2nd or 3rd time moms only please

I don't know what I'm looking for with this post...a vent, maybe some advice on how to deal, some reinforcement...I don't know but here is the situation...

with my first child, every minute was so special. I doted on every need/whim. With my second, I feel like I am so stressed out all the time, that I'm not enjoying anything. I've been on maternity leave from my job for 3 months, going back to work next week. Every minute of these last 3 months has been me feeling guilty that my eldest is not getting enough attention. When I give him attention, I feel like I'm not giving the baby enough attentio outside of the basic feeding/ diapering, etc. I feel almost like I missed out on the joy of these first 3 months because I was stressed out all the time. Isn't that sad?

I signed the older one up for camp so that he can swim every day and have fun....but every morning he begs to stay at home with me....this makes me feel terrible!

yesterday I had a family get together at my house, and I was so stressed out the whole time, I didn't spend any time with my family members! I don't think I sat once...I just ran around cleaning, serving, changing diapers, cleaning up messes and diffusing arguments about shairing (a lot of kids were here) the whole time.

I guess I just feel like I'm going trhough the motions vs. enjoying my kids. Just now I looked at the baby sleeping in his crib and it hit me how fast he is growing and soon this stage will be over, and I will have missed it because I'm so stressed out all the time. All this guilt and stress is only going to get worse when I go back to work.

Do other people feel this too? Or am I just neurotic?

2nd or 3rd time moms only please

I also have a 3 month old DS and my first DS is 2. I do feel the same way at times. When I give the baby attention I worry about DS 1 and then I feel like I am always worrying about DS 1 bc he is all over the place so I am just doing the basics with the baby like you said. I don't think we an ever do what we did for our first child with the second bc we just don't have the time. However when DS 1 naps I try to spend some special time with the baby. Even if it is just sitting on the floor with him for a half hour. But you are not alone. Every day is a struggle and I really think we just have to adjust and our kids will adjust too. 2 kids is so much more stressful then I thought it would be but every day does get a little easier. I don't have much advice just hugs. My sister has 3 kids and she says eventually everything falls into place but it might not always be pretty.

Re: 2nd or 3rd time moms only please

I can relate totally!
I have a 4yr old, a 2 yr old and a 5 month old and all boys.
Eveyday Im just going through the motions it's hard because its hectic having 3 kids and 3 kids so close in age just makes it more challenging.
Now that I'm not working I try hard to spend a little time everyday with each DC even if its just reading them a book. I Make sure to hug and kiss them and tell them I love them throughout the day.
I know it doesn't seem like much but it's what I can manage at the moment.
It will get easier and things will work themselves out and you won't feel like your being pulled in a million directions.

Message edited 7/22/2013 10:04:40 AM.

Re: 2nd or 3rd time moms only please

I was kind of the opposite. I stressed my entire second pregnancy that I was ruining DD1's life and that I wouldn't have enough of me to go around. I barely enjoyed my pregnancy (and I LOVE being preggo). It was an easy pregnancy and I could have embraced it so much more, but I spent 9 months stressing, crying and filled with guilt. When DD2 came we decided to keep our nanny part-time during my maternity leave bc of all the worries I had, and that worked out well bc I had alone time with each of them throughout the week.

What you're feeling is normal for second time moms...there's only so much you can do. Right now the baby does physically need you more than your older DS. And I'm sure when he naps you're doting on older DS. It's a hard balancing act. Can someone maybe come over a few times a week to give you alone time with your older son? Can you make special Saturday morning dates with him while DH watches the baby? I read an article just yesterday that said 30 solid minutes a day of TRUE one on one, undivided attention from a parent is what a child needs (and it's better than a whole day of just 50% attention).

I swear as they get older it becomes SOO much easier to spend time with them together and still give them both the attention they need. DDs are 3 and 1 now and we can play together, I can read to one while the other plays, we have dance parties together...it gets a lot easier (and a LOT more fun!).

You doing a great job...it's NOT easy!!!!

Message edited 7/22/2013 10:22:43 AM.

2nd or 3rd time moms only please

i think the first few months are a big adjustment for EVERYONE.
my dd is 4 and my son just turned 2. i work full time and i always have mommy guilt but i try my hardest to take a moment and enjoy my kids.
It is hard when i am trying to cook dinner and my dd insists that i stop what i am doing to dance with her or see her artwork but i do stop b.c i want to give her the attention she needs.

you can't please everyone so you do your best. My quality time with my kids is at night when i put them to sleep. I rock my son to sleep and i lay with my daughter till she falls asleep.

It's crazy when i get home. I get home anywhere between 7-730 and i have to get dinner on the table , give a shower if it is shower night ( every other day or daily during the summer as needed)and kids asleep by 9/9:30. No easy task. And by the time my kids are asleep, i then have to put the food away and tidy up the dinning area and dishes. i don't get a whole lot of down time.
i either go to sleep at 11 or maybe watch one program.

eventually, my kids won't need or want me to put them asleep and that pulls on my heart strings. i do my best to remind myself that this time is goes by so fast. My laundry is my achillles heel. i can never get on top of it so even though i get frustrated, i remind myself that it is ok if everything is not perfect.

i know it is hard but try to take a beat and enjoy whatever moment you can. you can't please everyone and do everything.
it will get easier as your 2nd baby gets older and can be a little more self sufficient. things should get relatively easier by 5/6 months when your baby can start sitting in those exercausers.
and then eventually, your two kids can start entertaining eachother.

it will get easier , i promise!!
good luck!!

Message edited 7/22/2013 12:16:21 PM.

Re: 2nd or 3rd time moms only please

I can relate - But, you HAVE to accept the reality that you just can not, in any way, shape or form give your full undivided attention to TWO separate people - it just is not possible - so STOP beating yourself up about it, STOP expecting to be able to magically do it - You can't - No mother in the history of the universe has been able to do that -

It's a reality of life, the first child gets all of the attention b/c he's the ONLY one to pay attention to! - The second one just can't get the same attention the first did - but HE doesn't know that. He's a baby, all he knows is that you love him and take care of him whne he needs you .......He has no clue what you did for his brother/sister before he came along - Also, I'm a HUGE believer that a baby (or any child) does NOT need your attention every single second their eyes are open. They can be perfectly happy entertaining themselves. Let them do that!

And by the time the baby is old enough to know he has to share you, you'll have figured out how to split your time, and they will be old enough to need/want you at the same time for the same thing -

Don't fell bad about this - YOU feel it, your kids don't - and if your older child felt neglected, you'd KNOW it.

As far as family events - I have no advice, b/c I feel the same way and it never gets better - I feel like I got hit by a truck and missed the whole damn party by the time it's over - I sit back and think "Did I even have a conversation w/ anyone?"

Re: 2nd or 3rd time moms only please

You are doing too much!

Relax! Both kids are getting plenty of attention.

Going back to work will be easier with the second one.

Stop hosting parties!

Re: 2nd or 3rd time moms only please

Re: 2nd or 3rd time moms only please

It will get better!

Once my second DS was over 6 months, we settled into the rhythm of being parents of two.

MY older son was 2, and he also adjusted and loved having a little brother once he was crawling and able to play!

Now, they are 3 and 5. They laugh and conspire against us. The younger guy has the benefit of an older brother teaching him how to dress himself, eat with a fork, etc.

Don't worry- it will get easier, I promise!!!