3 year old who is mean to grandma - long

I am not a regular poster, but I am having an issue with DS and am looking for advice. DS, who is 3, has always preferred my father to my mother, and my MIL to my FIL. However, recently, he has begun rejecting my mom outright. She goes to him, he leaves the room. Last night he wanted to sit in her chair but wouldn't ask her. He wanted me to tell her to move. I told him that he had to ask her if he could please sit in the chair. He finally did, but it was obvious he didn't want to talk to her. Then he told her to "go upstairs." I explained to him that he hurt grandma's feelings, she loves him, it's not ok to to say mean things to people, and made him apologize. But, I am not sure if that was the best way to handle it. To make matters worse, my mother is very insecure and jealous that DS prefers other grandparents over her. She now thinks that he is purposely trying to hurt her feelings and said she'll just stay away from him from now on since he likes his other grandmother (MIL) better. Is DS's behavior typical? How do I handle it with him and my mom?
Thanks so much for any advice.

Re: 3 year old who is mean to grandma - long

I do think that at that age they favor people and don't quite understand that they are hurting someone with their behavior...they want what they want. But at this time it's also where he will start to learn that he can't behave that way. You are doing the right thing by making your expectations clear and not accepting the behavior.

But - I hope this doesn't offend...

Your mom is being a little immature about this. I do understand that her feelings are hurt but she's an adult and has to understand, especially as a mother, that he's just a child and not quite capable of understanding his actions.

I think it would be better for her to persist and try to spend time with him. I feel like he senses her reactions and feelings towards the situation as feelings towards him. Almost like she doesn't like him because he can't make the connection that he did something to upset her. He just sees the outcome. She needs to be firm and have the attitude that she loves him and is his grandmother - she is here to stay.

My son was being very rude with my MIL but she took a great approach...she asked him for a kiss hello and he said no...she said okay I'll get a kiss from mommy...we hugged and she kissed my cheek and she told me how much she loved me...he did a complete 180 and was begging her for a kiss. Go figure...and now she sort of gives him some space but still makes the effort and he actually asks to go see her.

Re: 3 year old who is mean to grandma - long

I had something similar with my son when my mom came to stay with us right after the birth of his little brother. He would just get cranky and say things like "I don't want Nana." I think it had a lot to do with the fact that there was a new baby and a lot of things going on, but I know it hurt her feelings and I know she took it personally even though she shouldn't have. She lives in another state and only sees him a couple of times a year and we live closer to my in-laws and he sees them all the time, so I think that made it even harder for her. I don't have great advice, but I can completely understand your situation.

Re: 3 year old who is mean to grandma - long

Thank you so, so much for the replies. I am relieved to see that someone else has had a similar situation. I agree that my mom is being immature and am glad to see that someone else agrees with me. She is a very negative, unhappy person and I think DS gets that vibe from her. I know she loves him and she tries, but DS prefers the grandparents that are more "fun". I really wish she could find it in herself to be the bigger person.

Message edited 11/16/2009 9:42:40 PM.

Re: 3 year old who is mean to grandma - long

You seem so sweet...I am so sorry that you have to deal with this right now. I really do hope that your mom comes around.