Going out on a limb and asking this....

Do you ever get scared that you will not automatically love your baby when she/he arrives? I get really scared about this sometimes, like, what if I don't love her? I mean, I'm sure I'll "love" her, but what if I don't have that overwhelming sense of "So this is what love is?" I just keep hearing from people, "There's no describing the feeling of love you have for your baby once they are born." I just get scared that I won't feel that. I feel like bad person. I don't feel a real connection with what's going on inside of me. I love to feel her move and everything, but I'm not that mom-to-be who's buying clothes or reading to their belly or putting headphones up to it. I'm just kind of living my life the healthiest I can, but I don't really feel this great sense of excitement about her coming.
I probably sound horrible telling everyone that I feel this way. But I'm just so worried that I'm this awful person.

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

The way you describe how you are feeling in your pregnancy sounds just like how I was. I didn't really talk to my belly or play music or alot of those typical pregnancy things. I used to also not understand this immense love that is felt for a child. I used to think that it could not compare to my love for DH or my family, etc. Its totally normal! There are so many things happening during your pregnancy and all types of feelings and emotions are felt, some changing from day to day. You are not alone I am sure.

But let me tell you something.. everyone was right! The love I have for Ryan is that of no other kind in this world!

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Rachel I was you. Maybe not for the same reasons but I was not at all attached to this being inside me. For me it was because I was too afraid that something would go wrong and I would not actually come home with a healthy baby so my thinking was if I didn't let myself become attachted then I could deal with this if it happened (silly but its how I thought).
I also couldn't imagine feeling what everyone said I would/should feel. I knew I would love her but would I love her enough?
Let me just tell you that the second you hear your baby cry and they place her in your arms you will never want to let her go. It is a love that cannot even be described, a love and an emotion I never imagined I could feel.
I am a semi closed person and not overly affectionate at all but my daughter helps me be a better person. When we're alone she brings out a side of me no one else gets to see.
I truly adore her and love her so much that I just don't know how I will ever have another baby and love it enough.
You will be a great mom and you will love your baby.

ETA: I hated people asking if I was excited. I just never felt like I could answer honestly. I always wanted to say, I'll be excited when she's here and healthy and I can hold her.

Message edited 2/24/2006 12:17:07 AM.

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

That was me... if you asked my friends to describe me before I got pregnant, I can say with 100% certainty that one of the adjectives would be "non-maternal". I just never had that maternal instinct and I could never get as excited and attached to the baby while it was in me. But, for as much as I was not at all maternal, once Alex came out, I was in awe... I wouldn't say I was in love with her the second she came out, because I was just so overwhelmed with so many emotions. But each day it grew and grew and grew... I remember all the nights I would rock with her and just cry thinking what a miracle she is... even now, while I'm at work, all I do is think of her... you'll be amazed, you really will, but don't worry, many women don't necessarily "connect" with their babies until after the delivery

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by prncssrachel

"There's no describing the feeling of love you have for your baby once they are born." I just get scared that I won't feel that. I feel like bad person. I don't feel a real connection with what's going on inside of me. I love to feel her move and everything, but I'm not that mom-to-be who's buying clothes or reading to their belly or putting headphones up to it. I'm just kind of living my life the healthiest I can, but I don't really feel this great sense of excitement about her coming.
I probably sound horrible telling everyone that I feel this way. But I'm just so worried that I'm this awful person.

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Thank you for your responses. It means a lot to me that you all shared that. I go back and forth lately with how I feel. I'm sure I'm hormonal to top everything off. I was talking to DH about this last night, and he made me feel better, too. I think I am scared because I AM maternal in so many ways and I'm just afraid that I won't be with my own child. Then what will that say about me?
But I also need to remind myself to look at all the other things that have gone on in less than a year. I've gotten married, moved, taken on more responsibilities at work, my DH took a new job. Now we're having a baby and need to move...AGAIN. So I know I am completely overwhelmed from everything, and not just this, and in the back of my head, I know there is still so much I have to do before I actually have this baby, but I'm just still scared sometimes that I just won't know what to do with her when she comes.

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by Bxgell2

That was me... if you asked my friends to describe me before I got pregnant, I can say with 100% certainty that one of the adjectives would be "non-maternal". I just never had that maternal instinct and I could never get as excited and attached to the baby while it was in me. But, for as much as I was not at all maternal, once Alex came out, I was in awe... I wouldn't say I was in love with her the second she came out, because I was just so overwhelmed with so many emotions. But each day it grew and grew and grew... I remember all the nights I would rock with her and just cry thinking what a miracle she is... even now, while I'm at work, all I do is think of her... you'll be amazed, you really will, but don't worry, many women don't necessarily "connect" with their babies until after the delivery

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

i am very worried about this, you described me perfectly! i am excited about having him but its just so overwelming like 'what if i'm not a good mom' and 'what if i don't know how to really take care of him'.
i'm also so afraid i'm going to do something wrong or he wont be healthy and i kind of shut myself off from thinking about him.
but now, i think over the last 2 weeks, i am trying to be more aware. now that i feel him kicking everyday its like i 'know' him and have become so protective! its weird to explain, but i remember sitting in the chair 'hugging' my belly almost crying b/c i didnt know what i would do if i wasn't 6 months preg now! maybe it was just the hormones, but i've felt alot more at ease since then. it'll come, just let time take over

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling and it's obvious that you are not alone...

There are times where I don't feel excited or where I don't feel pregnant at all, especially since my belly is not that huge, and I just started my 3rd trimester. He doesn't even kick that much either to top things off so sometimes that's why I don't feel a connection either. But when I feel the slightest thing then I get excited. So I don't know if it's the whole hormone thing that gets us feeling this way, who knows. But I feel the same way you do and I always wonder how I will feel the moment I meet him. My biggest fear is taking care of him and screwing things up. I've never had that maternal instinct in me. Don't get me wrong I love my nieces and nephews and have played with them and all but in the end they always went home to their parents and now this is different because this one is a keeper and I can't send him home anywhere...LOL

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by Bxgell2

That was me... if you asked my friends to describe me before I got pregnant, I can say with 100% certainty that one of the adjectives would be "non-maternal". I just never had that maternal instinct and I could never get as excited and attached to the baby while it was in me. But, for as much as I was not at all maternal, once Alex came out, I was in awe... I wouldn't say I was in love with her the second she came out, because I was just so overwhelmed with so many emotions. But each day it grew and grew and grew... I remember all the nights I would rock with her and just cry thinking what a miracle she is... even now, while I'm at work, all I do is think of her... you'll be amazed, you really will, but don't worry, many women don't necessarily "connect" with their babies until after the delivery

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by Eireann

Posted by Bxgell2

That was me... if you asked my friends to describe me before I got pregnant, I can say with 100% certainty that one of the adjectives would be "non-maternal". I just never had that maternal instinct and I could never get as excited and attached to the baby while it was in me. But, for as much as I was not at all maternal, once Alex came out, I was in awe... I wouldn't say I was in love with her the second she came out, because I was just so overwhelmed with so many emotions. But each day it grew and grew and grew... I remember all the nights I would rock with her and just cry thinking what a miracle she is... even now, while I'm at work, all I do is think of her... you'll be amazed, you really will, but don't worry, many women don't necessarily "connect" with their babies until after the delivery

This definitely describes me almost to a "T." The only difference was that I was terribly excited while I was pregnant, but "maternal," no way!

I thought I would have this moment upon her birth where I would just "know her." Does that make any sense? Like we always had a connection since before either of us was born...
Well, when she was born, I barely remember the first time I held her (c/s drugs, maybe), but I thought, "Who is this stranger? I've never seen her before!" I think I watched too many episodes of "A Baby Story!"

So, no, I didn't have an instant connection; in fact, I hate to admit this, but I kind of resented her because I was a prisoner in my home I felt!! However, all of the other moms are right! You will grow to love her more and more each day. I stare at her and still can't believe she's mine to keep!! How lucky we all are, really...it really is indescribable.

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I cannot begin to thank you ladies enough for sharing how you feel. It made me feel like so much less of a monster It's like, I know the mechanics of taking care of a baby, and I'm not afraid of any of that. It's just hard to think about loving someone you've never met. I thank you all again. I was feeling so upset over this last night, and I am starting to just allow myself to feel the range of emotions that are happening everyday.

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Obvisouly you're not alone and I'll join the club too. I'm happy that I'm pregnant but not overly excited either. I don't gawk over baby things and haven't run out to buy anything for the baby yet. We haven't spoken of names or started the nursery yet. Most people think it's strange that I'm so laid back about my pregnancy but this is my personality, I take things in stride. I was the very same way with my wedding yet on my wedding day I was ecstatic to be marrying DH.

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

You are definately not an awful person! Foe me, I loved feeling the movement and loved being pregnant but I definately had many of the feelings you are having. I was always a little afraid b/c I didn't feel the love like I thought I should. Even when he was born I absolutely loved him but still didn't fully feel the overwhelming love that my dad always told me I would have when I had my own child.

I can tell you that will all change for sure. Everyday you bond with you child and begin to love them more and more and more. Now I can't picture my life without him. I would give anything in the world for his happiness . It will come

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

First off

Secondly, we have spoken about this before and I just want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Look at all these responses. I am so happy you posted this too because its exactly how I have been feeling since day one. And I have always thought I was such a horrible person. I wondered over and over what is wrong with me. I am so scared that I too will not feel this overwhelming love. I find it freaky to be pregnant. I kinda knew I was always going to feel this way but I dont truly enjoy knowing there is a living being inside me depending on me for everything so it makes me wonder, what kind of mother am I going to be when its outside of me???? I cant tell you it goes away because I obviously havent had the baby yet but look at all these wonderful ladies and their experiences. I guess that gives us hope.

I just wanna let you know, I will be here for you if you need ANYTHING. I truly understand every word you are saying and I want you to know that. Sometimes it helps in some way. Your in my thoughts and we will be wonderful loving mothers, I know it!

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

OK Rach, we have never talked about this before, but I'll spill it.
When I was PG with Scotty, my then husband and I were going through a tough time. I found out he was cheating on me, yadda, yadda, yadda. My life at the time, was full of disappointments...and I was almost resenting my unborn child. I was secretly (or maybe not so secretly) longing for a baby girl, so I decided to find out the sex of the baby, so I could brace myself for the disappointment if I was having a boy. (wow, I really sound like a horrible person). At the time, even though this pregnancy was planned, with everything that had transpired I felt like I would never be able to love this baby enough. I felt horrible about myself.
Well, to make a long story not so short, Scotty was born by emergency c-section, and I DIDN'T feel that overwhelming love immediately. I didn't get to hold him, I felt like we didn't bond, etc. BUT, a couple of hours after he was born, I got to hold my baby, and it was like no feeling in the world. I swear it was like this rush of love just came, and it didn't matter what else happened...all was right in the world. He is my world, and I swear he saved me from a horrible period in my life. We have this amazing bond and connection, just as you will with your daughter.
Rach the first time you hold her, and look into her eyes...I can PROMISE you, you will be forever changed.

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I know what you mean - I worry becuase this was so unplanned that somehow, even though i don't thin of it this way, that subconciously i might resent or not "love" our baby in the same way and acutally talked to a firend and my dh about it - but both have assured me its natural to worry (especially for me!) and that since I can be "open" about it they doubt its going to happen - I guess if you are aware and more concious and thinking about it, its better....

not sure if it helps but i have heard that all your fears and everything about this melt away when you meet the baby.....

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Think about it this way... the fact that you're already worrying so much about whether or not you'll love this baby means you're going to be a good mommy

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Again, I truly have to thank everyone who posted on this thread. I am not someone who can keep things bottled up forever. I need to get them out and this is something that has been building and building for a while, and it can't be good to keep it in.
We did not plan this pregnancy, and were actually using birth control when we conceived, and part of me is afraid that somehow my daughter will find that out someday and think she wasn't wanted. We really look at it from the standpoint that this happened for a reason and because it was the right time for us, however, I cannot help but feel resentment for the fact that I haven't even had a chance to enjoy my new marriage. We've already had to cancel trips, and we won't be going away for our first anniversary like we hoped. I wanted to live it up our first year, and now I feel like I am in a slump. I don't ever "blame" the baby for this, but I just can't help feeling robbed of all the things that we really wanted to do before we had kids. I wanted to finish my masters degree, I wanted to buy a house and travel, and now I am having a baby and I'm afraid I will never get to do those things. I hate being so selfish, but I just can't help it sometimes.

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I am sure we all go through similar feelings from time to time. You are completely normal and will be a great mommy

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I felt like that....and I think it took me a little bit to actually bond with her. It's TOTALLY normal. I felt apprehension towards her (still do sometimes) and lots of new mommies feel that way.

You'll love her, you'll hate her, you'll get frustrated, you'll cry for good and bad reasons.