Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG) UPDATED pg2

I'm a BM in my friend's wedding. The bridal party was thinking about getting the bedding off the registry as the group gift. The bride happened to mention to me that her fiance's grandmother was planning on buying the bedding. I e-mailed the girls to let them know this, and the MOH said that if it's on the registry, we should still get it. I wasn't thrilled, b/c it seemed totally disrespectful to me, but I hate tension, so I said I would go along with what the group decided.

Fast forward to yesterday. The groom's cousin, who is a BM, said that she really didn't feel comfortable buying the bedding b/c it would hurt her grandmother, and thought that we should go with the china instead. I wrote back in agreement. Today, the MOH sends this e-mail....

"I think we should have it delivered to L's mom's house; I assume that's the shower at which we'll be presenting the gift-unless I'm wrong about that too." (there are two showers..whole other story)

I respond with:

"I definitely think we should give the gift at L's mom's shower. As far as having it shipped there, I guess it's a matter of whether
it's going to come all gift wrapped and ready to go, and if (L's mom) is going to want that stuff in the house prior to the shower. I'm
running to a meeting, so i will think about it more later, but i certainly don't mind keeping it in my place and bringing it with me."

I just came home to the following...

"Jackie,
I understand you want to include everyone in the bridal party for these types of decisions, but I'd prefer to make the decisions at this point and just announce what we're doing. I think that we could have done this whole bedding gift as the bridal party present if E didnt know about her grandmother's intent to buy it instead. If it's not on the registry, the grandmother can't buy it. It may sound petty, but SOMETHING should be about us and doing things for L.
It may sound obnoxious, but I'd prefer to do it that way. I apologize if this comes off as mean, but there should be at least some benefit to being maid-of-honor. I'm extremely stressed here so hopefully I'm not taking this out on you.
J"

To which I responded:

J,

I understand that you're stressed and that you're the maid of honor, but a bridal party gift should be the decision of the whole bridal party, as it is all of our money that is being spent on it. You are the maid of honor, but you can not unilaterally decide how we spend our money. It has to be a discussion. I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel. I'm sorry if you feel that you don't have enough benefits as maid of honor, but the entire bridal party should be involved in planning things, as we ALL want to be there for L. I am sure that as the day gets closer, and especially on the big day, L will be relying on you for a lot of special jobs that are reserved for the MOH.

Even if E didn't know about her grandmother, once L mentioned to me that Rs grandmother wanted to buy the bedding, I think it would have been disrespectful of us to do so. I do feel that it shouldn't have been put on the registry if L & R knew that R's grandmother's intent was to buy it. In all honesty, even if E hadn't said anything, I think it had the potential to cause tension if we had bought it, especially since L knows that I know it was his grandmother's intent. It would have been obvious that I totally disregarded what I told her. I know that the last thing any of us want is to cause more tension for L. G-d knows there is enough there already. The bedding was my first choice for a gift as well, but it is supposed to be about L and R, not at all about what WE want. I know that , unfortunately, plenty of the decisions have NOT been about them, and that s ucks, but I'd like to avoid contributing any more tension to this whole wedding process.

I also want to say that I am genuinely sorry if I stepped on your toes. It was certainly not my intent. I am just enthusiastic about the wedding and wnat to do what I can to help. I love this stuff, I love helping to plan it, and I love organizing. I will try and take more of a backseat from now on, and when I have an idea, run it by you first, rather than immediately e-mailing everyone in my enthusiasm.

I do still want to work with you in planning some shower games/entertainment, so I hope we can find some time to discuss it sometime soon.

Jackie


Do you think I'm out of line? I am honestly just trying to help plan things to celebrate one of my best friend's weddings, and I've been trying to be helpful. Is the MOH really supposed to have that much more input about everything than the rest of us??

Message edited 2/25/2006 12:35:03 PM.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Jackie, tell the MOH to go scratch

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

J-
I 100% do NOT think you were out of line and I think you wrote your response with so much respect and eloquence.
Don't let hte MOH bully the group into what her idea of a BP gift should be. I am so glad you said something which will bring so much joy to someones g-ma.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Message edited 2/24/2006 5:57:38 PM.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

the MOH does not run the show.. it is not a matter of what she says goes...i agree with what you wrote. once you knew the intentions of the grandmother you let the rest of the bm's know..what the moh is doing is stupid and very childish.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

I do not think you were out of line at all. I think someone needed to tell the MOH how probably the rest of the bridal party is feeling.

PS - I would have the grandmother go and get the bedding quickly!!

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

I don't think you were out of line at all. If you take more "of a backseat" as you said, then she'll be making all of the decisions. I think running things by the entire group makes everyone involved. Has she told the other girls that she wants to be incharge of everything? How do they feel about it??

good luck. It sounds like a very stressful planning in general.....

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Thanks ladies. Just to give more background, my friend has had a really stressful time planning her wedding. The families have totally different ideas about everything, and there are two separate showers b/c MOB wanted to throw a small one in the house, and MOG wanted a huge one with every single aunt and cousin (very large family). Both showers are basically about the mothers and dont' take my friend, L, into much consideration at all. I think the MOH is miffed that she's not more involved in planning the shower, so she's trying to take control where she can.

I made suggestions regarding the bachelorette party, but she sent an e-mail with HER decision (which was one of my suggestions). She hasn't been running things by the rest of us in general. I've been more involved than some of the other BMs b/c I have purposely e-mailed MOB to see what I can help with for the shower, etc. I don't think MOH likes that too much.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

"there should be some benefit to being maid-of-honor" Huh?

I think you have handled this very gracefully.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Posted by MrsProfessor

"there should be some benefit to being maid-of-honor" Huh?

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

you handled it with class. and im sure you told the moh what all the other bridesmaid are thinking as well. how the heck could she purchase something that she knows the brides grandma wants to get. jeez

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Posted by Jax430

Posted by MrsProfessor

"there should be some benefit to being maid-of-honor" Huh?

Yes, my favorite line! She makes it like she wants it to be all about our friend, but in reality, it's about HER! She is also kind of bitter that all her friends are getting married and she's not..there are a lot of issues.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Jackie, Well Said.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Jackie,

In no way whatsoever were you out of line. I am shocked this woman wants to run out and take the bedding off the registry before grandma gets a chance to do it!

Your friend is very lucky to have you and I applaud you for reminding this person the shower and wedding is all about the bride and the groom and NOT the "ahem" Maid of Honor!

Message edited 2/24/2006 6:32:35 PM.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

if my MOH acts like that toward the rest of my girls, I would be pretty upset.. yes she is very special to me, but she can not treat my other friends like that.

I think you handled it very nicely. Why does she HAVE to get the bedding?? I am sure there are lots other things on the registry that the bride and groom would be thrilled to have!

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Jackie...you are NOT wrong or out of line at all!!! Not only did you do the right thing, but you were straight forward and honest about how you felt! nothing wrong with that! that MOH needs to bring it down a notch!
Your friend who is getting married, is very lucky to have you!!

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

you are not wrong at all. its all of your money being spent, it should be a group decision. there are some things the maid of honor is responsible for, but making ALL the decisions that include the bridal party is not one of them. your response was great.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

I dont think you are wrong at all. I think its noble of you to do what you are doing rather than sit back and do nothing to help or contribute to decisions at all.

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Jackie- I give you so much credit. You friend is lucky to have a BF like you!

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Jackie you are Not out of line! i think its wrong that the MOH wants to buy the bedding it should be the grandmother who buys it! she is being selfish and she needs to realize its Not about her its about your friend who is getting married and you are all in the wedding party SO you all As a group should do things right down the middle and split it just because she is the maid of honor means she has all of the power to control everything I am glad you told her how you felt now the other girls will have to do the same i think getting a chinaset is just as nice! good luck i hope all works out!

Re: Am I totally out of line? (REALLY LONG)

Just copy and paste a copy of this and send it to Grandma....



Dear Grandma,

The b_icth MOH wants to get the bedding off of the registery, I kindly explained to her, what your intentions are regarding the purchase of the above listed item. However, they were disregarded by the MOH....So please get up right now and make your purchase...HURRY go NOW! So we can put this issue to rest....Hope all is well...Your Buddy, Jackie