As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is actually incomplete because it was getting too long but here it is!

OK I am posting this to let this out. I know there are many people on this site that don’t like me so I don’t know how long I will leave this up but I just want to let this out.

I can’t believe that in a matter of days I will have a one year old. I cannot believe how fast the year has gone and how much my life has changed. I knew that having my daughter would change my life but I honestly just never knew how much it would change me.

As some of you know I had a miscarriage prior to having my daughter. It was something that I will admit to this day I am still not completely over. When I found out I was pregnant again, I wasn’t as elated as I had been the first time. I will admit it I was petrified! I never really allowed myself to get to attach to my pregnancy until I hit the 20-week mark out of fear that I would lose this baby also. Then when the 20-week mark hit and I still didn’t feel her moving I still would not allow myself to get attached to her. Then I found out that she was in an unusual breech position and that I probably wouldn’t feel the same movement that other Mommies got to feel. I remember praying at each sono or visit that I would just see her or hear her heartbeat and know that she would be ok. But I will be honest and say that I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I admit it. I didn’t think that God would truly bless me with a child.

The as my due date approached, I became very nervous over many things. I started thinking about how much my life would change and how it would never be the same. I wondered if I would be worthy of being someone’s mother and could I handle the job. My DH works nights and it’s always been that way since we have been dating. I am not used to coming home from work and having anyone to talk to, or having to rush home to make dinner for anyone or in general just be home for them. I wasn’t used to that. I wasn’t used to anyone depending on me after work. After I left my job, it was ‘me’ time. I could hang out with my friends, go to happy hour, nap or do whatever I wanted, with no worries. Having a baby would change all that. I was also told that I would definitely have to have a C-section. The position she was in, there was no possible way to turn her with out breaking my pelvis or worse. Now I had the fear of being in the hospital for the first time in my life, having surgery for the first time in my life and having to recover from it also. It was very overwhelming.

I remember getting up at 4am the morning she was born, not that I spelt well knowing what was in store. I remember driving to the hospital being very sad. I was sad that I was now going to have to share her with everyone and that I would no have her protected in my tummy. We checked into the hospital and I was sad. They started the IV and I wanted to go home right then and there! I was so sad.

When she was born, I was not the smiling happy mother. I just kind of stared at her in disbelief. I remember being jealous that my DH was gushing over her already and I was just sad.

After I was out of recovery and brought back to my room. I was so proud to show her off to everyone but I will be very honest and say I had no feelings of attachment to her. She was a beautiful baby with a full head of hair. But I remember holding her, no one was around and I was staring at her and thinking what is wrong with her, she has no eyelashes or eyebrows—LOL I didn’t know and no one warned me. I kept thinking my baby was a freak but everyone was telling me what a beautiful perfect little girl she was.

We brought home and I remember being petrified as we walked in the door. I didn’t know what to do with her. I had never been around infants and as Sharon can tell you all, I had never held an infant besides my daughter. I remember lying on the couch and just being sad. I just wanted to be out with my friends or chatting on line with them. I was so torn. Then I started beating myself up for not being a better Mother. I was still being selfish and wanting to be with my friends and not with my daughter. What kind of mother was I? I made myself feel awful. If I wasn’t sad enough this internal punishment was making it worse. I still looked at her and didn’t feel much. I know so many women have their babies and are in instant love, I wasn’t- what was wrong with me? Was it because I had to have a C-section and I felt like I didn’t have the proper closure to my pregnancy? Or was in that my milk never came in and I couldn’t breast feed so I had failed at both those womanly things? I don’t know but this is how I felt.

This continued on like this for weeks if not months. I had friends that were not supportive of my PPD and I had other friends putting demands on me that I couldn’t handle. Then my best friend who is the picture perfect mother telling me all of these other things- I wanted to die. I felt like I had made a mistake and that I never should have had her.

My daughter is not a good sleeper by any definition. She is restless to say the least and cannot put herself to sleep. I was and at times still am sleep deprived which didn’t help.

As we entered into the summer, I had a change in my medical status that didn’t make things easy and then we had the awful scare with her kidneys. They put my daughter through so many tests. That was it for me. That was the first time I have to say that I felt like a mother. The mother I wanted to be. They wouldn’t let me in the room with her so my DH had to be in there with her. I was standing outside hearing her cry and scream and it was tearing me apart. I wished it were I lying on that table and not her. I prayed to God that if he would just make her pain stop that I would take whatever pain he wanted to give me, but just let her please not feel anymore discomfort.

We took her home after those tests and I just wanted to hold her and love her. I loved her and I realized at that time I would lay down my life for her.

I had to go back to work. I will admit that I found pleasure in leaving the house everyday. I always wanted to be a teacher more than anything this was my passion too and without it I was missing something! I missed my kids, I missed watching them learn and interacting with. I struggled with the fact that I didn’t feel guilty going back to work as many Moms do. I struggled more with the fact that I was too exhausted at the end of the day to do it all! I can’t be the super human dynamo that I had envisioned.

As the months have passed and I have watched my daughter grow and develop more and more I find myself feeling more and more in love every day. I know now that I don’t have to be the ‘perfect’ Mom for my daughter to love me. I just have to love her, help her, comfort her and help her grow into a productive wonderful woman. I know that if I was the ‘perfect’ Mom that she would not love me as much because I would never have time for her one on one.

This passed year has been so difficult for me, but yet it has been one of the most amazing rewarding years of my life. Every time my daughter holds on to my arm, clenches my finger, laughs or smiles I melt. She has given me a reason to stop stressing over daily life. She has given me the ability to see what true friends are and how important it is to surround yourself with people that will be there through thick and thin. She has given me the ability to finally laugh at myself and not be so afraid anymore of what others think of me. She has given me the ability to not be so uptight anymore. She has given me a chance to see what an amazing father my husband is. She has given me a chance to give my husband the most precious gift I could ever have given him. She has given me the ability to feel love in a level that I have never felt before.

I am going to end this now before it becomes any longer- and I will end this by saying- To my beautiful daughter I love you more than I can ever explain to you! You are the most precious gift that I have ever been given. You make every day worth living. As you approach your first birthday I just want to tell you that I hope that your life is always filled with happiness and love, as much love as you have shown me. I thank you my dear daughter for making me a much better person and for showing me what love really is!

~~ Love Mommy

Message edited 4/13/2006 11:13:24 PM.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I hope to be half the mom that you have become! Happy Birthday to your precious baby! Enjoy the rest of the journey.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What you wrote is so beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes. Happy Birthday to your little one and thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was so beautiful. Enjoy every moment precious together with your daughter.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jamie- That wa wonderful . I havent been the greatest friend to you as I could have been, but I remember well all you went through and I think how amazing it is you have made this year into something to grow and learn from. In my book your a strong strong women and a GREAT mother.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been blessed with the gift of a child so I know just how overwhelming the feelings of love are. That is why reading this has made me cry. May god watch over your beautiful daughter and continue to bless your family.

Message edited 4/13/2006 11:28:38 PM.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was beautiful!!!!!

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What an honest message. I wish your daughter the happiest of birthdays. I am so glad to know you are feeling better. Your words were very touching.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was one of the most honest and beautiful things I have ever read!

Message edited 4/13/2006 11:44:40 PM.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for sharing. That was so beautiful.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was soooo beautiful!!

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How could anyone not like you? You have been a great support to me!

You daughter is so blessed to have such a wonderful mother who can be honest about who she is and how she feels. That in itself makes you a wonderful mother.

Thank you so much for sharing all that you went through. I never suffered a miscarriage but I had my own reasons that I would not let myself get attached to my daughter until she was born and in my arms so I totally know how you feel.

You are an amazing woman!!

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a beautiful message for you daughter and for all the rest of the moms and moms-to-be. Thank you for sharing your very personal feelings.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that was beautiful

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sitting here sobbing at 7am! Thank you so much for writing so candidly. I can certainly identify with so much you've written. What a wonderful mother you are and how lucky your little girl is to be blessed with you!

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a very honest & loving letter.
As much as some may look like the "ideal" Mommy. We are all just making it up as we go along. Sometimes we step back & go WOW that (whatever task at the moment) wasn't as difficult as it used to be. We have all been there.
I wish you daughter the best 1st birthday!!!

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was beautiful and honest and I am sure there are many other mothers, and fathers who have had the same feelings and would not have the courage to express them as you have. I am not a mom yet, but I even relate and understand your feelings.

Hope your DD has a beautiful birthday.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by MichaelsMommy

That was one of the most honest and beautiful things I have ever read!

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awww Jaime, that was beautiful. Happy Birthday little one

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How wonderful you are to write your honest feelings - just that alone makes you a great mom! Happy birthday to your baby girl (can we see some new pics?? )

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by jcndd

How wonderful you are to write your honest feelings - just that alone makes you a great mom! Happy birthday to your baby girl (can we see some new pics?? )

Message edited 1/17/2007 11:08:46 PM.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That brought tears to my eyes - thank you for sharing it with us.

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

knowing what you went through and "experiencing" it with you via LIW/LIF and feeling the SAME things, I can appreciate what you've written.

God bless you and your family thanks for sharing and I am SO glad that things have gotten better for you! You deserve it and you've been a great support to so many of us! You're a GREAT mother...there is no such thing as a "perfect" mom. We're all learning how to do this each day we wake up!

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing your story. It was very touching and you sound like a wonderful mother.

Happy Birthday to your little girl!

Re: As my daughter approachs her first birthday I thought I might share my thoughts -- I will warn you very long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that was beautiful, i am crying, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your little one!