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Going out on a limb and asking this....

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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!

Member since 5/05

27530 total posts

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me

Going out on a limb and asking this....

Do you ever get scared that you will not automatically love your baby when she/he arrives? I get really scared about this sometimes, like, what if I don't love her? I mean, I'm sure I'll "love" her, but what if I don't have that overwhelming sense of "So this is what love is?" I just keep hearing from people, "There's no describing the feeling of love you have for your baby once they are born." I just get scared that I won't feel that. I feel like bad person. I don't feel a real connection with what's going on inside of me. I love to feel her move and everything, but I'm not that mom-to-be who's buying clothes or reading to their belly or putting headphones up to it. I'm just kind of living my life the healthiest I can, but I don't really feel this great sense of excitement about her coming.
I probably sound horrible telling everyone that I feel this way. But I'm just so worried that I'm this awful person.Chat Icon

Posted 2/23/06 11:32 PM
 
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dottiemchugh
<3

Member since 5/05

8261 total posts

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Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

The way you describe how you are feeling in your pregnancy sounds just like how I was. I didn't really talk to my belly or play music or alot of those typical pregnancy things. I used to also not understand this immense love that is felt for a child. I used to think that it could not compare to my love for DH or my family, etc. Its totally normal! There are so many things happening during your pregnancy and all types of feelings and emotions are felt, some changing from day to day. You are not alone I am sure.

But let me tell you something.. everyone was right! The love I have for Ryan is that of no other kind in this world!

Posted 2/24/06 12:02 AM
 

monkeybride
My Everything

Member since 5/05

20541 total posts

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Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Rachel I was you. Maybe not for the same reasons but I was not at all attached to this being inside me. For me it was because I was too afraid that something would go wrong and I would not actually come home with a healthy baby so my thinking was if I didn't let myself become attachted then I could deal with this if it happened (silly but its how I thought).
I also couldn't imagine feeling what everyone said I would/should feel. I knew I would love her but would I love her enough?
Let me just tell you that the second you hear your baby cry and they place her in your arms you will never want to let her go. It is a love that cannot even be described, a love and an emotion I never imagined I could feel.
I am a semi closed person and not overly affectionate at all but my daughter helps me be a better person. When we're alone she brings out a side of me no one else gets to see.
I truly adore her and love her so much that I just don't know how I will ever have another baby and love it enough.
You will be a great mom and you will love your baby.

ETA: I hated people asking if I was excited. I just never felt like I could answer honestly. I always wanted to say, I'll be excited when she's here and healthy and I can hold her.

Message edited 2/24/2006 12:17:07 AM.

Posted 2/24/06 12:15 AM
 

Bxgell2
Perfection

Member since 5/05

16438 total posts

Name:
Beth

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

That was me... if you asked my friends to describe me before I got pregnant, I can say with 100% certainty that one of the adjectives would be "non-maternal". I just never had that maternal instinct and I could never get as excited and attached to the baby while it was in me. But, for as much as I was not at all maternal, once Alex came out, I was in awe... I wouldn't say I was in love with her the second she came out, because I was just so overwhelmed with so many emotions. But each day it grew and grew and grew... I remember all the nights I would rock with her and just cry thinking what a miracle she is... even now, while I'm at work, all I do is think of her... you'll be amazed, you really will, but don't worry, many women don't necessarily "connect" with their babies until after the delivery Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 7:32 AM
 

JRG71
*****************

Member since 5/05

5025 total posts

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Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by prncssrachel

"There's no describing the feeling of love you have for your baby once they are born." I just get scared that I won't feel that. I feel like bad person. I don't feel a real connection with what's going on inside of me. I love to feel her move and everything, but I'm not that mom-to-be who's buying clothes or reading to their belly or putting headphones up to it. I'm just kind of living my life the healthiest I can, but I don't really feel this great sense of excitement about her coming.
I probably sound horrible telling everyone that I feel this way. But I'm just so worried that I'm this awful person.Chat Icon



I was just the opposite.

I was the pregnant person who talked to their belly all the time, and felt such love for the baby growing inside of me. When she was born, I did not connect with her right away. I felt horrible about it (and never told anyone until I was over it) - I was just so overwhelmed. BUT - The love I have for Emma today (3 months later) grew over time, and is so strong.

Posted 2/24/06 8:41 AM
 

BaroqueMama
Chase is one!

Member since 5/05

27530 total posts

Name:
me

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Thank you for your responses. It means a lot to me that you all shared that. I go back and forth lately with how I feel. I'm sure I'm hormonal to top everything off. I was talking to DH about this last night, and he made me feel better, too. I think I am scared because I AM maternal in so many ways and I'm just afraid that I won't be with my own child. Then what will that say about me?
But I also need to remind myself to look at all the other things that have gone on in less than a year. I've gotten married, moved, taken on more responsibilities at work, my DH took a new job. Now we're having a baby and need to move...AGAIN. So I know I am completely overwhelmed from everything, and not just this, and in the back of my head, I know there is still so much I have to do before I actually have this baby, but I'm just still scared sometimes that I just won't know what to do with her when she comes.Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 8:59 AM
 

BabyAvocado
Happy New Year

Member since 5/05

17334 total posts

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Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by Bxgell2

That was me... if you asked my friends to describe me before I got pregnant, I can say with 100% certainty that one of the adjectives would be "non-maternal". I just never had that maternal instinct and I could never get as excited and attached to the baby while it was in me. But, for as much as I was not at all maternal, once Alex came out, I was in awe... I wouldn't say I was in love with her the second she came out, because I was just so overwhelmed with so many emotions. But each day it grew and grew and grew... I remember all the nights I would rock with her and just cry thinking what a miracle she is... even now, while I'm at work, all I do is think of her... you'll be amazed, you really will, but don't worry, many women don't necessarily "connect" with their babies until after the delivery Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon




I could have written this post word for word. I also did not feel an overwhelming love the instant Jake was born... but I already felt he was such a huge part of me. By the next day, I just could not WAIT for them to bring him to my room...I was falling in love.

You are going to be a GREAT mommy and you WILL love your baby immeasurably.

Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 9:35 AM
 

jersee3380
He's here!!

Member since 5/05

1372 total posts

Name:
caroline

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

i am very worried about this, you described me perfectly! i am excited about having him but its just so overwelming like 'what if i'm not a good mom' and 'what if i don't know how to really take care of him'.
i'm also so afraid i'm going to do something wrong or he wont be healthy and i kind of shut myself off from thinking about him.
but now, i think over the last 2 weeks, i am trying to be more aware. now that i feel him kicking everyday its like i 'know' him and have become so protective! its weird to explain, but i remember sitting in the chair 'hugging' my belly almost crying b/c i didnt know what i would do if i wasn't 6 months preg now! maybe it was just the hormones, but i've felt alot more at ease since then. it'll come, just let time take over Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 9:46 AM
 

dandr10199
Grace is growing up too fast!

Member since 10/05

11561 total posts

Name:
Dina

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by jersee3380

i am very worried about this, you described me perfectly! i am excited about having him but its just so overwelming like 'what if i'm not a good mom' and 'what if i don't know how to really take care of him'.



I am worried about this too. I keep thinking what if I am not a good mom? What if I make the same mistakes with my Chat Icon that my mom made with me? Not that my mom was a bad mother, but she was sick (mentally and physically) a lot of the time when we were growing up and I don't want to repeat that pattern.

Rachel, I think a lot of PG women go through this at some point in their pregnancy or right after the baby is born. From what I have read in books, these feelings are normal. Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 10:16 AM
 

preciouslove
I love my DS!!!

Member since 5/05

9340 total posts

Name:
Blank

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling and it's obvious that you are not alone...Chat Icon

There are times where I don't feel excited or where I don't feel pregnant at all, especially since my belly is not that huge, and I just started my 3rd trimester. He doesn't even kick that much either to top things off so sometimes that's why I don't feel a connection either. But when I feel the slightest thing then I get excited. So I don't know if it's the whole hormone thing that gets us feeling this way, who knows. But I feel the same way you do and I always wonder how I will feel the moment I meet him. My biggest fear is taking care of him and screwing things up. I've never had that maternal instinct in me. Don't get me wrong I love my nieces and nephews and have played with them and all but in the end they always went home to their parents and now this is different because this one is a keeper and I can't send him home anywhere...LOL

Posted 2/24/06 10:20 AM
 

Eireann
Two ladies and a gentleman!

Member since 5/05

12165 total posts

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Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by Bxgell2

That was me... if you asked my friends to describe me before I got pregnant, I can say with 100% certainty that one of the adjectives would be "non-maternal". I just never had that maternal instinct and I could never get as excited and attached to the baby while it was in me. But, for as much as I was not at all maternal, once Alex came out, I was in awe... I wouldn't say I was in love with her the second she came out, because I was just so overwhelmed with so many emotions. But each day it grew and grew and grew... I remember all the nights I would rock with her and just cry thinking what a miracle she is... even now, while I'm at work, all I do is think of her... you'll be amazed, you really will, but don't worry, many women don't necessarily "connect" with their babies until after the delivery Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon



This definitely describes me almost to a "T." The only difference was that I was terribly excited while I was pregnant, but "maternal," no way!

I thought I would have this moment upon her birth where I would just "know her." Does that make any sense? Like we always had a connection since before either of us was born...
Well, when she was born, I barely remember the first time I held her (c/s drugs, maybe), but I thought, "Who is this stranger? I've never seen her before!" I think I watched too many episodes of "A Baby Story!"

So, no, I didn't have an instant connection; in fact, I hate to admit this, but I kind of resented her because I was a prisoner in my home I felt!! However, all of the other moms are right! You will grow to love her more and more each day. I stare at her and still can't believe she's mine to keep!! How lucky we all are, really...it really is indescribable.

Posted 2/24/06 10:30 AM
 

preciouslove
I love my DS!!!

Member since 5/05

9340 total posts

Name:
Blank

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by Eireann

Posted by Bxgell2

That was me... if you asked my friends to describe me before I got pregnant, I can say with 100% certainty that one of the adjectives would be "non-maternal". I just never had that maternal instinct and I could never get as excited and attached to the baby while it was in me. But, for as much as I was not at all maternal, once Alex came out, I was in awe... I wouldn't say I was in love with her the second she came out, because I was just so overwhelmed with so many emotions. But each day it grew and grew and grew... I remember all the nights I would rock with her and just cry thinking what a miracle she is... even now, while I'm at work, all I do is think of her... you'll be amazed, you really will, but don't worry, many women don't necessarily "connect" with their babies until after the delivery Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon



This definitely describes me almost to a "T." The only difference was that I was terribly excited while I was pregnant, but "maternal," no way!

I thought I would have this moment upon her birth where I would just "know her." Does that make any sense? Like we always had a connection since before either of us was born...
Well, when she was born, I barely remember the first time I held her (c/s drugs, maybe), but I thought, "Who is this stranger? I've never seen her before!" I think I watched too many episodes of "A Baby Story!"

So, no, I didn't have an instant connection; in fact, I hate to admit this, but I kind of resented her because I was a prisoner in my home I felt!! However, all of the other moms are right! You will grow to love her more and more each day. I stare at her and still can't believe she's mine to keep!! How lucky we all are, really...it really is indescribable.



Sometimes I feel resentment too, and he is not even born yet. I feel resentment that this little tiny person who can't even talk or walk right away is coming into my life and is going to interupt my routine and chang the rules around. I don't know if that makes sense or if anyone else feels like this sometimes. Then other times I feel blessed that we are going to have an addition to our little family and can't wait to meet him.

Posted 2/24/06 10:40 AM
 

BaroqueMama
Chase is one!

Member since 5/05

27530 total posts

Name:
me

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I cannot begin to thank you ladies enough for sharing how you feel. It made me feel like so much less of a monsterChat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon It's like, I know the mechanics of taking care of a baby, and I'm not afraid of any of that. It's just hard to think about loving someone you've never met. I thank you all again. I was feeling so upset over this last night, and I am starting to just allow myself to feel the range of emotions that are happening everyday.Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 11:49 AM
 

HalloweenBride04
LIF Toddler

Member since 5/05

498 total posts

Name:

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Obvisouly you're not alone and I'll join the club too. I'm happy that I'm pregnant but not overly excited either. I don't gawk over baby things and haven't run out to buy anything for the baby yet. We haven't spoken of names or started the nursery yet. Most people think it's strange that I'm so laid back about my pregnancy but this is my personality, I take things in stride. I was the very same way with my wedding yet on my wedding day I was ecstatic to be marrying DH.

Posted 2/24/06 12:01 PM
 

betty
My boys

Member since 5/05

4380 total posts

Name:
Beth

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

You are definately not an awful person! Foe me, I loved feeling the movement and loved being pregnant but I definately had many of the feelings you are having. I was always a little afraid b/c I didn't feel the love like I thought I should. Even when he was born I absolutely loved him but still didn't fully feel the overwhelming love that my dad always told me I would have when I had my own child.

I can tell you that will all change for sure. Everyday you bond with you child and begin to love them more and more and more. Now I can't picture my life without him. I would give anything in the world for his happinessChat Icon . It will comeChat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 12:39 PM
 

nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.

Member since 7/05

57538 total posts

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Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by monkeybride
I was not at all attached to this being inside me. For me it was because I was too afraid that something would go wrong and I would not actually come home with a healthy baby so my thinking was if I didn't let myself become attachted then I could deal with this if it happened (silly but its how I thought).

ETA: I hated people asking if I was excited. I just never felt like I could answer honestly. I always wanted to say, I'll be excited when she's here and healthy and I can hold her.



I was very similar. It's not that I was really afraid something would happen, but I thought the smart thing to do was just be prepared because I had seen it happen to my friends.

It actually was worsefor a few days after Joseph was born. He was born a little too early. I still remember asking the nurses the first night if they would wake me up if anything happened to him. They asked what I meant...and I said "In case he dies or anything." I visited a few times in the middle of the night - and the next day was busy on the phone explaining to work how to get into my computer. The doctor walked in & asked why I hadn't visited my son - it was already 10am and was there a problem.Chat Icon

When we finally brought him home, we used to call him "the little stranger". For me, love grows - it's not instaneous. And when it grows, it lasts forever.

Posted 2/24/06 1:00 PM
 

NS1976
My princess!

Member since 5/05

6548 total posts

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Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

First off Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Secondly, we have spoken about this before and I just want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Look at all these responses. I am so happy you posted this too because its exactly how I have been feeling since day one. And I have always thought I was such a horrible person. I wondered over and over what is wrong with me. I am so scared that I too will not feel this overwhelming love. I find it freaky to be pregnant. I kinda knew I was always going to feel this way but I dont truly enjoy knowing there is a living being inside me depending on me for everything so it makes me wonder, what kind of mother am I going to be when its outside of me???? I cant tell you it goes away because I obviously havent had the baby yet but look at all these wonderful ladies and their experiences. I guess that gives us hope.

I just wanna let you know, I will be here for you if you need ANYTHING. I truly understand every word you are saying and I want you to know that. Sometimes it helps in some way. Your in my thoughts and we will be wonderful loving mothers, I know it!

Posted 2/24/06 1:12 PM
 

Scotty-CassidysMom
and Dylan too!

Member since 5/05

4331 total posts

Name:
Stacy

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

OK Rach, we have never talked about this before, but I'll spill it.
When I was PG with Scotty, my then husband and I were going through a tough time. I found out he was cheating on me, yadda, yadda, yadda. My life at the time, was full of disappointments...and I was almost resenting my unborn child. I was secretly (or maybe not so secretly) longing for a baby girl, so I decided to find out the sex of the baby, so I could brace myself for the disappointment if I was having a boy. (wow, I really sound like a horrible person). At the time, even though this pregnancy was planned, with everything that had transpired I felt like I would never be able to love this baby enough. I felt horrible about myself.
Well, to make a long story not so short, Scotty was born by emergency c-section, and I DIDN'T feel that overwhelming love immediately. I didn't get to hold him, I felt like we didn't bond, etc. BUT, a couple of hours after he was born, I got to hold my baby, and it was like no feeling in the world. I swear it was like this rush of love just came, and it didn't matter what else happened...all was right in the world. He is my world, and I swear he saved me from a horrible period in my life. We have this amazing bond and connection, just as you will with your daughter.
Rach the first time you hold her, and look into her eyes...I can PROMISE you, you will be forever changed.Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 1:31 PM
 

wowcoulditbe
wow, pic is already 1 yr old!!

Member since 1/06

6689 total posts

Name:
D

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I know what you mean - I worry becuase this was so unplanned that somehow, even though i don't thin of it this way, that subconciously i might resent or not "love" our baby in the same way and acutally talked to a firend and my dh about it - but both have assured me its natural to worry (especially for me!) and that since I can be "open" about it they doubt its going to happen - I guess if you are aware and more concious and thinking about it, its better....

not sure if it helps but i have heard that all your fears and everything about this melt away when you meet the baby.....

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 1:42 PM
 

Bxgell2
Perfection

Member since 5/05

16438 total posts

Name:
Beth

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Think about it this way... the fact that you're already worrying so much about whether or not you'll love this baby means you're going to be a good mommy Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 1:43 PM
 

BaroqueMama
Chase is one!

Member since 5/05

27530 total posts

Name:
me

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Again, I truly have to thank everyone who posted on this thread. I am not someone who can keep things bottled up forever. I need to get them out and this is something that has been building and building for a while, and it can't be good to keep it in.
We did not plan this pregnancy, and were actually using birth control when we conceived, and part of me is afraid that somehow my daughter will find that out someday and think she wasn't wanted. We really look at it from the standpoint that this happened for a reason and because it was the right time for us, however, I cannot help but feel resentment for the fact that I haven't even had a chance to enjoy my new marriage. We've already had to cancel trips, and we won't be going away for our first anniversary like we hoped. I wanted to live it up our first year, and now I feel like I am in a slump. I don't ever "blame" the baby for this, but I just can't help feeling robbed of all the things that we really wanted to do before we had kids. I wanted to finish my masters degree, I wanted to buy a house and travel, and now I am having a baby and I'm afraid I will never get to do those things.Chat Icon I hate being so selfish, but I just can't help it sometimes.Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 2:35 PM
 

nferrandi
too excited for words

Member since 10/05

18538 total posts

Name:
Nicole

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by prncssrachel

I cannot help but feel resentment for the fact that I haven't even had a chance to enjoy my new marriage. We've already had to cancel trips, and we won't be going away for our first anniversary like we hoped. I wanted to live it up our first year, and now I feel like I am in a slump.



You should definitely plan a getaway with your DH. Unless you really don't feel up to it, you should go ahead and take a vacation- being pregnant doesn't mean that you have to sit at home the whole time. Do something special for you and your Dh and you will feel less like the baby is holding you back.

Posted 2/24/06 2:56 PM
 

KangaMom
...

Member since 1/06

4593 total posts

Name:

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I am sure we all go through similar feelings from time to time. You are completely normal and will be a great mommy Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 5:02 PM
 

Scotty-CassidysMom
and Dylan too!

Member since 5/05

4331 total posts

Name:
Stacy

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

Posted by nferrandi

Posted by prncssrachel

I cannot help but feel resentment for the fact that I haven't even had a chance to enjoy my new marriage. We've already had to cancel trips, and we won't be going away for our first anniversary like we hoped. I wanted to live it up our first year, and now I feel like I am in a slump.



You should definitely plan a getaway with your DH. Unless you really don't feel up to it, you should go ahead and take a vacation- being pregnant doesn't mean that you have to sit at home the whole time. Do something special for you and your Dh and you will feel less like the baby is holding you back.



I agree!! Even if you just plan a long weekend in Montauk or something. Get away and enjoy your husband.
You know, you hear so many people say it and it's so true...there is NEVER a perfect time to have a baby. There will never be enough $$ saved, there will always be work to do on your house, apt., whatever. You just make it work, and it really will work. You and JT are going to be fantastic parents! AND, don't forget that you have your parents and your sister nearby who will be begging you to watch the baby, and you and JT can get some time alone!Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 5:23 PM
 

btrflygrl
me and baby #3!

Member since 5/05

12013 total posts

Name:
Shana

Re: Going out on a limb and asking this....

I felt like that....and I think it took me a little bit to actually bond with her. It's TOTALLY normal. I felt apprehension towards her (still do sometimes) and lots of new mommies feel that way.

You'll love her, you'll hate her, you'll get frustrated, you'll cry for good and bad reasons.Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 2/24/06 5:25 PM
 
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