Starting a Family?

DH and I were discussing this last night. How we could possibly do this with our work schedules. I suggested that we could use day care..he is opposed to that. I don't see anything wrong with it. Plenty of people do it, the kids get to socialize and we can still keep our jobs and schedules with in reason (need some flexibility)

We also have second jobs that really help with the bills so it's hard to give up. I'm ok getting a babysitter for those times and it may not even be every weekend and only for a few hrs-but will it be like someone else is raising my kid?

Also-what will the quality of life be like for us as a couple with all of this?

Does something have to give? Am I rationalizing this too much?

I think I'm finally ready. I don't think he is or may ever be.

Message edited 4/7/2006 10:21:07 AM.

Re: Starting a Family?

Testing..1...2...3...is this thing on?

Re: Starting a Family?

I don't see anything wrong with day care as we use it for our son. But I work full time and I miss Andrew terribly and cannot wait for my 1 hour a day that I get with him. He is with me 24/7 on the weekends b/c I want to make up for lost time.

I would say your second jobs would be a little unrealistic to keep and still have quality time to offer a child.

Good luck with your plans!

Re: Starting a Family?

I have the same feelings as you. DH and I barely have time to even SEE each other, let alone "make" a baby. As I posted before, we don't even have the room for a child in our house without kicking out our tenants upstairs. DH is afraid of the finances then......so he thinks we'll put the baby in our room for a year! OK, different subject.....

I have friends who just had their second baby last week, and both of them work in the city. The have their first child in daycare from 6 mos and he is the most well-rounded smart and advanced child ever!! Other friends have a son his age and they didn't put him in daycare and he's a nightmare!!!

I think if you can swing it and not go crazy, daycare (a good one of course!) is a viable option. The 2nd jobs may have to be rethunk though. What kind of time will you be spending with your baby? And won't you be working just to pay the babysitter? (for the most part)

I hope your DH rethinks his stand on daycare or a nanny....

My thought was this: when I find out I am expecting, I would like to approach the neighbor's teenage daughter and ask her if she would like to "watch" the baby while I am home, gradually letting her become comfortable, and then bamo!!!! instant babysitter. Pipe dream? Maybe....

Re: Starting a Family?

I think when you are ready you work it out. You may find that you don't need as much money as you think you do. Meaning that you can cut back on things and make it work.

Re: Starting a Family?

For us, our priorities changed. We used to hate to hang around our house on the weekends, now we hate to not be here playing with Sarah.

I decided to give up my career to become a SAHM. DH works long hours M-F. He leaves the house at 6am and gets home at 10pm most nights. But the weekends are all about Sarah for him, and I get a little time to myself. It works well for us.

If you are concerned about money, I'd suggest looking at your monthly expenses and figuring out if there is anything you are willing to give up. It seems like you are concerned about family time, which I don't know if you can do with both of you working 2 jobs.

Good luck!

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by dandr10199

I think when you are ready you work it out. You may find that you don't need as much money as you think you do. Meaning that you can cut back on things and make it work.

Re: Starting a Family?

Your right, it doesnt seem like he is ready. And you 100% need him to be if you dont want it to affect your relationship.

You are also thinking about it like everyone should, but you cant drive yourself crazy with what ifs, cause having a baby and starting a family comes with a million what ifs that are gonna change with time.

Its a leap of faith really...and you have to be willing to take that before anything else. You have to be ready to jump into a world where you wont know the outcomes of many things. Thats the scary part, but the best part as well.

Working so much may be a problem, but you wont really know until you actually have a baby there ya know?

i would talk a lot more about it with your husband before making a decision, so he understands how you feel and knows that you understand him as well. Try to tell him that there will NEVER be any easy answers to his concerns, so it doesnt make sense to keep waiting if theres no way you could answer what he thinks are issues.

the daycare thing..thats personal...
I see nothing wrong with it. I actually plan on putting my kids in some sort of daycare program whether Im a SAHM or not. I feel its important in their development of social skills and from what I have studied, it doesnt cause any harm at all.

good luck

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by Blu-ize

Posted by dandr10199

I think when you are ready you work it out. You may find that you don't need as much money as you think you do. Meaning that you can cut back on things and make it work.

I'm sure we could cut back on things..

The second jobs are more of what we love to do-the regular jobs are what we have to do...

always a dilemma...

Re: Starting a Family?

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by dandr10199

Posted by Blu-ize

Posted by dandr10199

I think when you are ready you work it out. You may find that you don't need as much money as you think you do. Meaning that you can cut back on things and make it work.

I'm sure we could cut back on things..

The second jobs are more of what we love to do-the regular jobs are what we have to do...

always a dilemma...

You never know, you might feel totally different when the baby is here. You might just want to work a regular job and forget about the side jobs, even though you love them because you child will become THE love of your life.

Re: Starting a Family?

I, unfortunately, have no way of being a SAHM. When I first got my BFP, I was so upset that I will not be there for my children like my mom was for us. But, I realized, after much advice from some of the moms here, that I will be doing something equally as important...providing for my family by working.

I always thought I would have to use day care too, but now that the time is almost here, people have really stepped up with their support. My parents are helping tremendously and one of my closest friends will also be helping.

I think that when the time comes, you will be surprised at how many great options you have. My advice is that you don't let work prevent you from starting a family!

Re: Starting a Family?

Yup, I think you're rationalizing too much. There's *always* a reason why having a baby isn't good at the moment. If it's not one thing, it's another. Honestly, it's never really a good time. But, when it does happen, you'll figure things out, and it will all fall into place, (eventually, after a few months of crying, high strung tension, and fighting ). As long as you feel ready and you're committed to starting a family, I think that's all that matters...

Edited to say - My husband and I both work in demanding fields. I'm a litigation attorney and he manages his own business. But, we prioritize our family, and we make it work. We found an unbelievably wonderful infant care program about a mile away from our house, and I couldn't be happier with our decision

Message edited 4/7/2006 11:36:49 AM.

Re: Starting a Family?

I hadn't checked the board yet until I saw your post on NFR. I go to the Parenting Board & NFR first and I have time I come to the FHF board since it's less active.

I can say I've honestly never felt that anyone else was raising my children except for me & DH. We are the primary ones in our children's lives - the people that are consistently with them as they move up through the daycare classes.

Has my quality of life as a couple changed? Yes, it's gotten better in ways I wasn't expecting. I now adore him for things like going to my kids daycare to wear an astronaut helmet & participate in crazy hat day. I adore him when he takes the time to put pigtails in Maddie's hair. My feelings for him are on a completely different level than ever before. And there are times I hate him for things I wasn't expecting like not feeding them lunch because they didn't tell him they were hungry. So far the good has outweighed the bad.

Does something have to give? Yes, but it's not anything I've missed. I have to be more responsible now because I want them to have a better role model. I have to work harder on my marriage because I want them to have a good foundation for their own relationships. I have to learn to balance my own fun & their fun - and I try to combine the two as much as possible.

As for your second job, yes, you'll probably give it up. Not because you have to but because you want to.

eta. I do have to say if your husband isn't ready, you definitely need to have a sit down & discuss why. If the marriage doesn't work out, this is the person that will have 50% say in their lives. You will never feel more permantly attached to someone more than when you've had kids with them.

Good luck!

Message edited 4/7/2006 11:44:45 AM.

Re: Starting a Family?

Message edited 4/7/2006 11:41:17 AM.

Re: Starting a Family?

I think that you wait until you "think" you have enough money and free time to have children that you will never will...because you will never think you have enough time and money(hope that makes sense) Just go with your gut. When you feel the time is right, then it's right. You will make everything work once that baby is here, you really have no choice. Good Luck!

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by Rapunzel

I think that you wait until you "think" you have enough money and free time to have children that you will never will...because you will never think you have enough time and money(hope that makes sense) Just go with your gut. When you feel the time is right, then it's right. You will make everything work once that baby is here, you really have no choice. Good Luck!

Re: Starting a Family?

I honestly don't think you are ever ready as you wish to be to start a family. Dh and I are both planners, he more than me, DH was the one a little apprehensive about the finances/money situation with a baby.

DH developed an income/expense worksheet in Excel that every month he puts in our monthly bills, the one off bills against our income so we see exactly what we are spending at where our money goes. He did this for about 6 months before we even TTC'd. It's kind of our mantra, and it keeps us right on target with spending.

It makes it much easier to see everything in plain site right in front of you. Dh didn't think we could afford the baby until he saw in plain print how much we really were saving each month, he thought our monthly bills were alot higher than they were.

We will continue to use this worksheet i think , forever, especially after my baby is born.

if you want it i can email it to you.

Re: Starting a Family?

I honestly don't think the money is the "issue". He's older now and his dad was older when he had him and I think he holds a grudge against his dad for that. He doesn't want to be an old father.

Well too late now buddy!

I guess there are a lot of issues. I wish it was just one. I always saw myself as a mother down the road.

He said that unless I can convince him otherwise-he doesn't think it's a good idea.

so for the list:

Money
Time
Age
Responsibilities (which have all of the above included)

This on top of some other things right now has really gotten me down. I'm not even 100% sure that I want this, but I guess if he did, that would make the decision a lot easier for me.

I think I'm hesitant because of him.

Re: Starting a Family?

Who's to say what's older nowadays? If I remember correctly, he just turned 40 right? 40 is no where near old!!!

DH turned 40 two months before our wedding in November. I'm also "older" but we have no plans to start a family for another year. Could it be something else that is holding your DH back? The only age issue that concerns me is if it will be hard to concieve when we start trying.

Re: Starting a Family?

Trying to conceive is definitely on my mind, but all systems are go according to the gyn. We'll see..

Right now it's not a big concern..he's 40 and I'm 39 and I know I'm considered high risk, but I still think I have "some" time.

It's our lifestyles for the most part. I think we could deal with the finances fine-he's always been very nervous about money.

I don't think 40 is old at all considering I'm approaching it. He resents his dad regardless and those type of feelings won't help him in wanting a family.

Hey his parents are a PIA but they are good people. They did their best. His mom had 3 misscarriages before having him. His brother is 13 years older.

Re: Starting a Family?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news or a downer...but Im gonna say it...If you are 39 now, this decision does need to be made soon.

Your chances of conceiving is going to start going down a LOT and I would hate to see you and DH do all this thinking about "what if" and then realize you waited too long.

Re: Starting a Family?

Re: Starting a Family?

Re: Starting a Family?

this thread was very helpful