LIFamilies.com - Long Island, NY


RSS
Articles Business Directory Blog Real Estate Community Forum Shop My Family Contests

Log In Chat Index Search Rules Lingo Create Account

Quick navigation:   

Need advice

Posted By Message
Pages: [1] 2 3 4 >>

worriedmrs
LIF Zygote

Member since 8/06

10 total posts

Name:

Need advice

DH has been acting strange for the past 5 or 6 weeks. We have been struggling financially so I chalked it up to that. Things on the financial side have recently cleared a little and we are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel so I thought things between us would get better. To my disappointment, they have only gotten worse.

I started to get suspicious because of his behavior and asked him if there was someone else and he said "no and that I should stop looking to point the finger and look at the problems within myself and that I cause between us". He said that he has been miserable with me and our marriage and doesn't want to continue like this.

I went through his cell phone while he was showering (I know this was WRONG) and saw consecutive calls to the same woman (who I do NOT know) after he should be leaving work. He often works overtime in his job and has done this for years so I never questioned him about that.

Do I ask him about the phone calls? We have separate accounts so I don't even know how I could approach the subject. Especially because he is denying doing anything wrong. Please help.

Edited to say: I am a "usual poster" but created this account because I didn't want everyone to know my identity.

Message edited 8/19/2006 2:03:02 PM.

Posted 8/19/06 2:01 PM
 
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource

lvdolphins
My Loves!

Member since 5/05

46292 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon
I would maybe just calmly approach him and tell him what you saw.
This is tough one. Im sorry you have to go through this.

Posted 8/19/06 2:03 PM
 

JenniferEver
The Disney Lady

Member since 5/05

18163 total posts

Name:
Jennifer

Re: Need advice

I'd be VERY concerned. It could be nothing. But phone calls and behavior exactly like thata re how we found out about my dad's gf. Especially with blaming you all the time. I don't know if confronting him will work. Most men won't admit it even when confrotned. Ask him if we will consider counseling. it sounds like there is a deeper issue whether he is seeing somsone else or not. I'm sorry you are going through this

If you can't get it from the phone company (you cna usually get it by logging int the account if you know the pw). you can actually pay for cellphone records, if you want to, or pay to find out whose cellphone # it is, etc.Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Message edited 8/19/2006 2:04:49 PM.

Posted 8/19/06 2:03 PM
 

Beth
The Key to your new home....

Member since 2/06

24849 total posts

Name:
Beth

Re: Need advice

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

I while I would be concerned about the phone calls- I would be more concerned that he said he was miserable in the marriage

did he say that out of anger? have you thought about consuling?

Posted 8/19/06 2:03 PM
 

worriedmrs
LIF Zygote

Member since 8/06

10 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice

Posted by JenniferEver

I'd be VERY concerned. It could be nothing. But phone calls and behavior exactly like thata re how we found out about my dad's gf. Especially with blaming you all the time. I don't know if confronting him will work. Most men won't admit it even when confrotned. Ask him if we will consider counseling.

If you can't get it from the phone company (you cna usually get it by logging int the account if you know the pw). you can actually pay for cellphone records, if you want to, or pay to find out whose cellphone # it is, etc.



Chat Icon This is exactly what I am afraid of. I suggested counseling but he refuses to go. I tried to google the phone # but it is unlisted. I didn't know I could pay for the #. I was going to try to create an online account, but am nervous of his wrath if he finds out. I could see him divorcing me over doing something like that.

Posted 8/19/06 2:05 PM
 

JenniferEver
The Disney Lady

Member since 5/05

18163 total posts

Name:
Jennifer

Re: Need advice

I don't know. I mean it's considered wrong to be sneaky about your spouse, but if he wont be honest and you can't get to the bottom of it, what are you supposed to do?

have you tried really firmly sugesting counseling, as in look we're both unhappy, we can stay unhappy, give up on our marriage or do counseling, what is your choice?


ETA: You said it's a woman, do you know who it is?


I would probably see what time the calls were, call hima fter that AT WORK and see f he answers...

Then confront him..if he says no, I'd buy cellphone records and have him followed... I know, people are going to flame me for it, ut what can you do. I guess I' just asuspiscious person.

The alternative, if he won;t go counseling, is just to say well the problem won't fix itself, so we're over anyway. Maybe if it's out in the open, it'll work out.

I'm always concerned when people won't agree to counseling. it's like don;t you want to save your marriage?

Could be just a macho thing.

Message edited 8/19/2006 2:10:20 PM.

Posted 8/19/06 2:07 PM
 

Redhead
You Live, You Learn

Member since 5/05

31871 total posts

Name:
Jennifer

Re: Need advice

i would be very concerned and would start really putting on the investigative hat...

something smells off...

Posted 8/19/06 2:10 PM
 

JenniferEver
The Disney Lady

Member since 5/05

18163 total posts

Name:
Jennifer

Re: Need advice

I know a great PI if you want.

And US Search, Intelius, people Search..you can pay like $15 and usually get the name and address associated with the account.

Also PI's can sometimes get complete cellphone records, but it's pricey, sometimes it's cheaper to just follow the guy. You have a better leg to stand on if you have proof, or else guys will just play mind games and make you think it's YOU.

Wow, I just realized how cynical I am. but if I suspected FH of hanky panky I'd have him followed in a second

Posted 8/19/06 2:12 PM
 

lvdolphins
My Loves!

Member since 5/05

46292 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice

I was also going to say, if you know where he works (im sure you do) maybe "hide out" and follow him after work to see where he is going. If you are not comfy with doing this, get someone to do it for you!
I'd be quite concerned if it were me.

Posted 8/19/06 2:15 PM
 

janet
WITH LOVE MY ANGEL MISS YOU!!!

Member since 5/05

12823 total posts

Name:
janet

Re: Need advice

first let me say i am very sorry you are going through this... as for going about it, maybe you can get some more proof first then try again talking about going for help. my father did this to my mom for many many years, i was the one who "opened" my mom's eye's to it because i had found something..... can youtalk with his mom or dad or a sister or brother of his? because coming from your side maybe to risky.i am here if you need to talk,i am just an fm away. plus i know how it feels when the blame is put on to you. fm if you would like anytimeChat Icon

Posted 8/19/06 2:16 PM
 

Wendy
Wheeee!

Member since 5/05

13736 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice

Posted by worriedmrs


and look at the problems within myself and that I cause between us




I would ask him what he meant by that ... specifics.

And not that I wouldn't be worried about the phone calls, but I'd want to know what it was that *I* was supposedly doing to make him unhappy since that is something I can control (if it's valid).


But on second thought, since you have snooped, I think you need to call him on it or else it will just eat away at you thinking you know something.


Sorry if I was no help or more confusing!
Good luck!Chat Icon

ETA: I just thought of something - how do you know the calls are to a woman? It is programmed is his phone or are you going by caller ID? Because my DH's cell phone shows my name on called ID because the account is mine. So just a thought that maybe he isn't calling a woman you do not know.

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Message edited 8/19/2006 3:13:06 PM.

Posted 8/19/06 2:18 PM
 

traceyd
Big Sister to Be!

Member since 5/05

3644 total posts

Name:
Tracey

Re: Need advice

First of all --Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon I'm so sorry you are going through this....I hate to say it but it definately sounds like something is up and you need to start doing some research of your own....Before you hire a PI or anything like that see what you can find using the internet or checking up on him (he is supposed to be at work so go there (if you can) and see if his car is there etc) Can you check into cc bills to see if there are any unusual charges or check into your bank accounts to see if excess cash is being taken out?

If you ever need anyone to talk to we are here for you and feel free to FM me at any time...Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Edited for spelling

Message edited 8/19/2006 2:22:41 PM.

Posted 8/19/06 2:22 PM
 

juju
Welcome to the World!

Member since 5/05

6747 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice

This just recently happened to my girlfriend. Like you, her DH began to blame her for everything that was wrong with the marriage. She got all of her phone records on line and it turned out that her DH was talking to another woman. NOt only did this happen after they were married but she found calls the day before the wedding, on the wedding day, every day during their honey moon he called this other woman.

My friend felt like a fool and like most women her self-esteem was very low. She blamed herself for everything. She begged him to accept her apology for all the things she had done wrong. ?????Chat Icon I couldnt believe that my friend was accepting his behavior. But, it took her 3 years to realize that the affair wasn't her fault and that it was her husband who had the issues. She coudn't bare to married to him any longer because the trust was gone. She just filed for divorce last week. She mentioned had he shown some type of remorse or the wanting to go to counseling in the beginning, then maybe she would of given him a chance. But, he failed to do either. He didnt apologize to her until the day they seperated. He begged her for her forgiveness and to give him another chance.

Sorry to hijack with my friends story but your story reminds me of her. My friend has such a sense of relief now and she has regained her self-esteem.

IMO: I think you should confront him once you have all the telephone records and regardless of whether or not he is cheating, I would suggest counseling. Especially, since he has expressed how he felt about the marriage.

YOur hunch is usually right.


Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon So sorry you are going through all of this!

Posted 8/19/06 2:26 PM
 

giggles
LIF Adolescent

Member since 5/05

584 total posts

Name:
Colleen

Re: Need advice

I am so sorry you are going through this! Chat Icon

Posted 8/19/06 3:06 PM
 

dm24angel
Happiness

Member since 5/05

34581 total posts

Name:
Donna

Re: Need advice

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

I would come right out and ask. who cares that you were snooping? Its a cell phone. I dont think a man or women in a mrriage should have to or ever hide who they are talking to on the phone, so its not really like you were snooping, you looked based on his CHANGE in behavior and now you see it was warranted. I dont think you were snooping at all.

I would be worried and woudl want the truth and ASAP.

I also would sit down and have him tell you point blank what it is he dislikes about your contribution to the marriage so you can understand and fix it. Then see if any of his points are valid or not.

Im sorry your going through this.

We will all be here to help no matter what the result. Chat Icon

Posted 8/19/06 3:28 PM
 

Melbernai
I am a lucky Momma!

Member since 7/05

15652 total posts

Name:
Melissa

Re: Need advice

I feel that even if your husband has not been honest with you, or if you are afraid that he won't be, you should try honesty first. Try not to go into it in a way that he feels attacked, just say that you want to seriously talk with him because you are concerned and worried, and present the reasons you ahve for being suspicious that he is cheating on you. Try to be firm and stand your ground -- that as much as he might want to blame you, you have reason to believe this, and it has to be the two of you, it isn't just one person or the other, and you feel it needs to be talked and worked out.

I would also suggest counceling reguardless of the outcome.

I know many people won't admit to it and would become defensive if you approached them, but I do think that giving him the option to speak with you openly about it is a better answer then being sneaky and trying to find out more on your own. I think if it came down to it he'd have less to put on YOU if you truely did go about it honestly and just looking for answers instead of going behind his back with a PI or something like that.

Posted 8/19/06 3:30 PM
 

Eva Luna
Be kind...life's hard!

Member since 8/05

4750 total posts

Name:
God, bless & heal my DH, JenG's DH Rob & DebG

Re: Need advice

Anywho.colm

Yellow Pages Reverse

Good luck! Chat Icon

I'm sorry you're going through this...but trust your insticts! I hope you could work through this! Chat Icon

Posted 8/19/06 4:24 PM
 

suvenR
designer mutt

Member since 5/05

4239 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice

Chat Icon

I'd get all the records I possibly could. I don't know if you own a home, have childen, assets together, etc. But, if you do, you might want to have concrete proof in case things don't work out. Chat Icon

Posted 8/19/06 4:38 PM
 

Stacey1403
Where it all began....

Member since 5/05

24065 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice

I would call the number and see who answers. Ask her some questions.

Posted 8/19/06 4:47 PM
 

Marybeth222
My Girls!

Member since 5/05

2688 total posts

Name:
Marybeth

Re: Need advice

He's not going to admit it. You need to have the proof upfront. My ex denied it so badly; but once I had the proof, he was like a deer in headlights. It's a HORRIBLE way to live and I'm sorry you may be going through something so sh*tty. Unfortunately, you're going to probably have to follow him but be careful of what you might find.

Where there's smoke there's fire. I don't think any husband should be talking to a woman that you DON't know.

FM me if you need some advice on what to do, suggestions, etc. I've been there done that. Sorry!!!Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 8/19/06 7:19 PM
 

Moehick
Ready for the sun!

Member since 5/05

30339 total posts

Name:
Properly perfect™

Re: Need advice

Don't let this go...get to the bottom of it. You need to know what is going on or you will never have peace of mindChat Icon

Posted 8/19/06 7:26 PM
 

TheInfamousOTG
Waiting for Lil' M....

Member since 5/05

3468 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice

This happened to a co-worker of mine. His wife started working overtime every wednesday. So he would have to watch his children. Then one day one of his good buddies came over, and said to him something doesn't feel right. So my co-worker said there was nothing to worry about. The following week his buddy came over again, and said take my keys to my car. I'll watch the kids. I don't trust her. All the years at that job, and she never worked overtime. So he went to her office, and parked. He watched come out, and get a duffel bag out of her car. Minutes later she came back out with a hoochie mama outfit on. A car pulled up, and she got in it. He followed them to the Garden City Hotel. He waited for them to check in, and confronted her. She said she was there for her company Christmas party. He asked the receptionist if there a was Christmas party for such and such. She said no. The guy she was cheating on him with ran as fast as he could. She finally admitted the affair to him. They are going through a divorce.

I wouldn't trust your husband. It doesn't sound right. I hope everything works out for you.Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 8/19/06 7:41 PM
 

Bri
I Love You to Pieces!

Member since 5/05

9919 total posts

Name:
Brianne

Re: Need advice

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

I agree that you have to do what you have to do to get to the bottom of this . . .

Posted 8/19/06 8:56 PM
 

Kidsaplenty
Sister love

Member since 2/06

5971 total posts

Name:
Stephanie

Re: Need advice

Posted by worriedmrs

Posted by JenniferEver

I'd be VERY concerned. It could be nothing. But phone calls and behavior exactly like thata re how we found out about my dad's gf. Especially with blaming you all the time. I don't know if confronting him will work. Most men won't admit it even when confrotned. Ask him if we will consider counseling.

If you can't get it from the phone company (you cna usually get it by logging int the account if you know the pw). you can actually pay for cellphone records, if you want to, or pay to find out whose cellphone # it is, etc.



Chat Icon This is exactly what I am afraid of. I suggested counseling but he refuses to go. I tried to google the phone # but it is unlisted. I didn't know I could pay for the #. I was going to try to create an online account, but am nervous of his wrath if he finds out. I could see him divorcing me over doing something like that.



You can do a reverse phone # lookup, it will give you the name of the person. Go to whitepages.com

Posted 8/19/06 9:13 PM
 

worriedmrs
LIF Zygote

Member since 8/06

10 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice

I just paid $14.95 for the reverse phone search but so far nothing has come up. I know it is a woman because in his phone it is listed as a woman's name (that I have never heard of before). I called it and hung up twice today. A woman answered. I also found her email address in his nightstand and a different slip of paper with hotel names written on it.

I also asked him for specifics two nights ago about what I can do to make it better and he said nothing. We want different things and that's it. I explained that I would give up what I wanted (the big $$$ house that we now have on small piece of property) to get what he wants: more travel, $ in the bank, smaller house... but he keeps saying "it's more than this one thing. it's everything".

Thank you everyone for your support. I am considering doing the P.I. route but want to wait a little... but it is eating me alive. Chat Icon Chat Icon

Message edited 8/19/2006 9:44:56 PM.

Posted 8/19/06 9:35 PM
 
Pages: [1] 2 3 4 >>
 

Potentially Related Topics:

Topic Posted By Started Replies Forum
stomach virus. need advice Tumbalina 3/22/06 13 Families Helping Families ™
This mommy needs help/advice lorimarie 3/22/06 17 Parenting
Thoughts, Suggestions, Advice and/or comfort welcome 5/12 update DebG 3/22/06 56 Pregnancy
Need advice on how to broach a sensitive subject with family members CathyB 3/20/06 7 Parenting
. suvenR 3/19/06 11 Families Helping Families ™
I am sick again..need advice NS1976 3/17/06 5 Pregnancy
 
Quick navigation:   
Currently 593599 users on the LIFamilies.com Chat
New Businesses
1 More Rep
Carleton Hall of East Islip
J&A Building Services
LaraMae Health Coaching
Sonic Wellness
Julbaby Photography LLC
Ideal Uniforms
Teresa Geraghty Photography
Camelot Dream Homes
Long Island Wedding Boutique
MB Febus- Rodan & Fields
Camp Harbor
Market America-Shop.com
ACM Basement Waterproofing
Travel Tom

      Follow LIWeddings on Facebook

      Follow LIFamilies on Twitter
Long Island Bridal Shows