Re: Need advice

hire a PI

then show him the evidence.

also- if hes refusing counseling, and blaming YOU, then it sounds EXTREMELY fishy.

im very sorry you are going thorugh this. i really hope it turns out to be nothing ...but if it doesnt, we are here for you.

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Did you do Deb's idea? How did things turn out

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I want to know how things turned out too!!

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Me too

Re: Need advice

Posted by Moehick

Did you do Deb's idea? How did things turn out

Message edited 8/20/2006 8:33:26 AM.

Re: Need advice

I'm so sorry you are going through this

I hate to say but it sounds like he's lining himself up to check out of this marriage, if he hasn't already emotionally. Blaming you, bringing up things from the past, all the resentment in his comments, saying he's miserable and won't go to counseling - it's just bad. I think you need to begin to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the worst case scenario which is that - you confirm that he's cheating, confront him and his reaction is basically "yes, I am, and I want a divorce".

That is not to say that there is no saving this marriage. If he is having an affair (which IMO you NEED to confirm before confronting him and I don't think it will be hard with all the clues and suspicious behavior) he may just be waiting to get caught. So you might not want to do that immediately. You might want to consider telling him - look, we have serious marital issues and we need to open the lines of communication NOW if you want to save this marriage. You need to ask him straight out - do you WANT to save this marriage?

The possibility still remains that he is not full out cheating...YET. He may just be hanging out with this woman, talking to her, etc. This is why if you confront him immediately and accuse him of the affair, he might just use it as the ultimate excuse to blame you for "everything that is wrong". If you give him the opportunity to talk and work on the issues but he refuses then you can say to him, "well, then it's not my fault...maybe if you weren't cheating on me you'd be more open to working on the marriage."

Again I am SO sorry you are going through this and I wish you strength so that you are able to handle this and work through this.

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Posted by BabyAvocado

I'm so sorry you are going through this

I hate to say but it sounds like he's lining himself up to check out of this marriage, if he hasn't already emotionally. Blaming you, bringing up things from the past, all the resentment in his comments, saying he's miserable and won't go to counseling - it's just bad. I think you need to begin to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the worst case scenario which is that - you confirm that he's cheating, confront him and his reaction is basically "yes, I am, and I want a divorce".

That is not to say that there is no saving this marriage. If he is having an affair (which IMO you NEED to confirm before confronting him and I don't think it will be hard with all the clues and suspicious behavior) he may just be waiting to get caught. So you might not want to do that immediately. You might want to consider telling him - look, we have serious marital issues and we need to open the lines of communication NOW if you want to save this marriage. You need to ask him straight out - do you WANT to save this marriage?

The possibility still remains that he is not full out cheating...YET. He may just be hanging out with this woman, talking to her, etc. This is why if you confront him immediately and accuse him of the affair, he might just use it as the ultimate excuse to blame you for "everything that is wrong". If you give him the opportunity to talk and work on the issues but he refuses then you can say to him, "well, then it's not my fault...maybe if you weren't cheating on me you'd be more open to working on the marriage."

Again I am SO sorry you are going through this and I wish you strength so that you are able to handle this and work through this.

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My nosey DH saw your story since I left the screen up.

He says that there's something very wrong with these phone calls and that you should NOT feel bad because you did NOT do anything to deserve your DH doing this.

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First, . I'm so sorry.

I think of the you things you've said: he's acting strange, phone calls to another woman, and basically blaming you for the issues. It seems that he's trying to mask his guilt of something by attempting to turn the tables and make you think that you're the one with the issues. I don't know you and don't know if this is the case, but I've been here before with the man I thought was going to be my husband (way before I actually met my DH). They can actually manage to make you think you're the one who is causing all of the problems. There are three sides to every story..yours, his, and the truth.

I say now that your suspicions are up, take a step back and observe. Just see if this behavior of his continues, if the phone calls continue and go with your gut. I believe strongly in woman's intuition.

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Re: Need advice

OMG I am SOOOO SORRY you are going through this! I cannot imagine having to deal with this

I think you already have some "proof" as other posters have said in the phone calls. For me, my DH talking that much to a woman I do not know would be COMPLETELY unnacceptable.

In this situation, at this point, I would demand that my DH show me his cell phone bills and credit card statements for the last 6 months. It may sound harsh but, I think it is warranted. If he refused, that would be my answer. If you know his social, you could call yourself or have your brother or a male friend call and ask for the statements. If he does this stuff online, you could try to figure out the passwords. I think the paper trail is the best way to go rather than following him at work. It's what I would do for sure.

I think though, as others have said, the worst part about this is him and his "feelings" because it seems like regardless of whether he is having an affair...you guys need to get help fast! Hopefully he will agree to counseling with you.

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Posted by BabyAvocado

I'm so sorry you are going through this

I hate to say but it sounds like he's lining himself up to check out of this marriage, if he hasn't already emotionally. Blaming you, bringing up things from the past, all the resentment in his comments, saying he's miserable and won't go to counseling - it's just bad. I think you need to begin to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the worst case scenario which is that - you confirm that he's cheating, confront him and his reaction is basically "yes, I am, and I want a divorce".

That is not to say that there is no saving this marriage. If he is having an affair (which IMO you NEED to confirm before confronting him and I don't think it will be hard with all the clues and suspicious behavior) he may just be waiting to get caught. So you might not want to do that immediately. You might want to consider telling him - look, we have serious marital issues and we need to open the lines of communication NOW if you want to save this marriage. You need to ask him straight out - do you WANT to save this marriage?

The possibility still remains that he is not full out cheating...YET. He may just be hanging out with this woman, talking to her, etc. This is why if you confront him immediately and accuse him of the affair, he might just use it as the ultimate excuse to blame you for "everything that is wrong". If you give him the opportunity to talk and work on the issues but he refuses then you can say to him, "well, then it's not my fault...maybe if you weren't cheating on me you'd be more open to working on the marriage."

Again I am SO sorry you are going through this and I wish you strength so that you are able to handle this and work through this.

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First, I am so sorry this is happening

If he's refusing to go to counseling, I would consider hiring a PI. if you can catch him "red handed", you would have the upper hand.

good luck to you!

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I just want to send you some and and I really do have an AWESOME, compassionate, wonderful P.I to recommend if you need it. We had photos and video within a few days. He'll get you an answer.

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First of all, if I were you, the first thing I'd do is hire a private investigator. I think your husband is cheating, but once you have more evidence at least you will know how to proceed. You can then decide if you want to work things out or get separated, divorced. Also, since NY doesn't have no fault divorces, you would need evidence if the reason you file is for infidelity. Secondly, if you do not use condoms, stop having sex with him! You don't know what he might be doing with this mystery lady, and if he doesn't use protection with her you are at risk for STDs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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Just want to send you some ...I know today must be tough being around him with all the unanswered questions in your head...hopefully you will find the answers soon

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Posted by greeneyes361708

First of all, if I were you, the first thing I'd do is hire a private investigator. I think your husband is cheating, but once you have more evidence at least you will know how to proceed. You can then decide if you want to work things out or get separated, divorced. Also, since NY doesn't have no fault divorces, you would need evidence if the reason you file is for infidelity. Secondly, if you do not use condoms, stop having sex with him! You don't know what he might be doing with this mystery lady, and if he doesn't use protection with her you are at risk for STDs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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I am so sorry. Many hugs and prayers to you!!!

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That's a little weird, going to the spare bedroo just cause you made a ove? why not just sya no? why go to another room? I'm so sorry, it seems like everything's really going wrong... lots of red flags

Re: Need advice

Posted by worriedmrs

Posted by greeneyes361708

First of all, if I were you, the first thing I'd do is hire a private investigator. I think your husband is cheating, but once you have more evidence at least you will know how to proceed. You can then decide if you want to work things out or get separated, divorced. Also, since NY doesn't have no fault divorces, you would need evidence if the reason you file is for infidelity. Secondly, if you do not use condoms, stop having sex with him! You don't know what he might be doing with this mystery lady, and if he doesn't use protection with her you are at risk for STDs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Funny you should say this because this was one of my first clues something was seriously wrong... he completely stopped being intimate with me. He won't even hold my hand, kiss me, and he has gotten out of bed to sleep in our spare bedroom a couple of nights because I have tried to "make the move" and he needed to sleep. This has been going on for the past month, but as I said in my first post, in the beginning I was attributing it to stress because of our financial situation...

Thank you so much for all of your FMs and support. I will keep you updated on what happens. I think I am going to call the PI tomorrow.

Re: Need advice

Posted by kdelace

Posted by worriedmrs

Posted by greeneyes361708

First of all, if I were you, the first thing I'd do is hire a private investigator. I think your husband is cheating, but once you have more evidence at least you will know how to proceed. You can then decide if you want to work things out or get separated, divorced. Also, since NY doesn't have no fault divorces, you would need evidence if the reason you file is for infidelity. Secondly, if you do not use condoms, stop having sex with him! You don't know what he might be doing with this mystery lady, and if he doesn't use protection with her you are at risk for STDs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Funny you should say this because this was one of my first clues something was seriously wrong... he completely stopped being intimate with me. He won't even hold my hand, kiss me, and he has gotten out of bed to sleep in our spare bedroom a couple of nights because I have tried to "make the move" and he needed to sleep. This has been going on for the past month, but as I said in my first post, in the beginning I was attributing it to stress because of our financial situation...

Thank you so much for all of your FMs and support. I will keep you updated on what happens. I think I am going to call the PI tomorrow.

i am so sorry you are going through this. you need to go with your gut and something is seriously WRONG here. unfortunately i had experienced something similar to this and it was the same signs your husband shows...I thin you already know that in your heart but if I were in your shoes, I would want concrete proof.

DO NOT COMPROMISE yourself and make it like its your fault. He is the one blaming you for everything.. ITS WRONG!!! Marriage is a two way street.... You should not live your life FOR your husband. It hsould be with him....Good luck!!!!!!!

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I'm very sorry you are going through this. This is no way is your fault. An unhappy marriage is a result of two people not one. All the signs seem to be there and his behavior in general would be enough to alarm anyone. I suggest you either hire a PI or do some serious snooping on your own. I wish you all the best

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I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I have a very similar situation that happened in my family to my cousins' wife's sister.

Her husband was acting shady, working late, mysteriously getting phone calls that he would either not answer or walk away from her when he did. She decided to get a hold of his cell phone records and saw that there were hundreds of calls made to one specific number. These calls lasted for hours at a time. They were at weird times also.

She called the girl - this hoochie mama admitted to it - saying - "Your husband is my boyfriend!!!!!" - This girl has a young son with this a$$hole. He admitted to everything. They are now seperated and getting a divorce.

My advice to you - is please be careful and trust your gut because it's almost always right. I personally don't know how I would handle not flipping out on my DH - but I think that if you can get the concrete evidence beforehand that would be your way to go.

I am so sorry!!!!

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just checking in to see how you are doing.

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Having been in your situation, I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately for me, I was right. Only you know what you should do as you know how he will react. Accusing him won't get you anywhere - it will just make him defensive. Communication is key, and he doesn't seem to be willing to discuss this with you. Even if he won't go to counseling with you, you should go on your own. No matter the outcome, this situation is difficult to deal with alone.

You do need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. Don't take all the blame because as a previous poster said, it takes two. He may have given up things he wanted, but no one made him do it. He made those choices and shouldn't hold that over your head. No matter what else you do, do not move out of that house. You stay put and try to figure things out with him. Sorry to say, but from what you've said, it seems like he already checked out of this relationship or at the very least is giving up. You need to get to the bottom of this because things will just get worse if you let them sit. Whatever happens, you can handle it and will be a stronger person for it. FM if you need to talk - good luck!!!