Need advice

DH has been acting strange for the past 5 or 6 weeks. We have been struggling financially so I chalked it up to that. Things on the financial side have recently cleared a little and we are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel so I thought things between us would get better. To my disappointment, they have only gotten worse.

I started to get suspicious because of his behavior and asked him if there was someone else and he said "no and that I should stop looking to point the finger and look at the problems within myself and that I cause between us". He said that he has been miserable with me and our marriage and doesn't want to continue like this.

I went through his cell phone while he was showering (I know this was WRONG) and saw consecutive calls to the same woman (who I do NOT know) after he should be leaving work. He often works overtime in his job and has done this for years so I never questioned him about that.

Do I ask him about the phone calls? We have separate accounts so I don't even know how I could approach the subject. Especially because he is denying doing anything wrong. Please help.

Edited to say: I am a "usual poster" but created this account because I didn't want everyone to know my identity.

Message edited 8/19/2006 2:03:02 PM.

Re: Need advice

I would maybe just calmly approach him and tell him what you saw.
This is tough one. Im sorry you have to go through this.

Re: Need advice

I'd be VERY concerned. It could be nothing. But phone calls and behavior exactly like thata re how we found out about my dad's gf. Especially with blaming you all the time. I don't know if confronting him will work. Most men won't admit it even when confrotned. Ask him if we will consider counseling. it sounds like there is a deeper issue whether he is seeing somsone else or not. I'm sorry you are going through this

If you can't get it from the phone company (you cna usually get it by logging int the account if you know the pw). you can actually pay for cellphone records, if you want to, or pay to find out whose cellphone # it is, etc.

Message edited 8/19/2006 2:04:49 PM.

Re: Need advice

I while I would be concerned about the phone calls- I would be more concerned that he said he was miserable in the marriage

did he say that out of anger? have you thought about consuling?

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I don't know. I mean it's considered wrong to be sneaky about your spouse, but if he wont be honest and you can't get to the bottom of it, what are you supposed to do?

have you tried really firmly sugesting counseling, as in look we're both unhappy, we can stay unhappy, give up on our marriage or do counseling, what is your choice?


ETA: You said it's a woman, do you know who it is?


I would probably see what time the calls were, call hima fter that AT WORK and see f he answers...

Then confront him..if he says no, I'd buy cellphone records and have him followed... I know, people are going to flame me for it, ut what can you do. I guess I' just asuspiscious person.

The alternative, if he won;t go counseling, is just to say well the problem won't fix itself, so we're over anyway. Maybe if it's out in the open, it'll work out.

I'm always concerned when people won't agree to counseling. it's like don;t you want to save your marriage?

Could be just a macho thing.

Message edited 8/19/2006 2:10:20 PM.

Re: Need advice

i would be very concerned and would start really putting on the investigative hat...

something smells off...

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I know a great PI if you want.

And US Search, Intelius, people Search..you can pay like $15 and usually get the name and address associated with the account.

Also PI's can sometimes get complete cellphone records, but it's pricey, sometimes it's cheaper to just follow the guy. You have a better leg to stand on if you have proof, or else guys will just play mind games and make you think it's YOU.

Wow, I just realized how cynical I am. but if I suspected FH of hanky panky I'd have him followed in a second

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I was also going to say, if you know where he works (im sure you do) maybe "hide out" and follow him after work to see where he is going. If you are not comfy with doing this, get someone to do it for you!
I'd be quite concerned if it were me.

Re: Need advice

first let me say i am very sorry you are going through this... as for going about it, maybe you can get some more proof first then try again talking about going for help. my father did this to my mom for many many years, i was the one who "opened" my mom's eye's to it because i had found something..... can youtalk with his mom or dad or a sister or brother of his? because coming from your side maybe to risky.i am here if you need to talk,i am just an fm away. plus i know how it feels when the blame is put on to you. fm if you would like anytime

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Message edited 8/19/2006 3:13:06 PM.

Re: Need advice

First of all -- I'm so sorry you are going through this....I hate to say it but it definately sounds like something is up and you need to start doing some research of your own....Before you hire a PI or anything like that see what you can find using the internet or checking up on him (he is supposed to be at work so go there (if you can) and see if his car is there etc) Can you check into cc bills to see if there are any unusual charges or check into your bank accounts to see if excess cash is being taken out?

If you ever need anyone to talk to we are here for you and feel free to FM me at any time...

Edited for spelling

Message edited 8/19/2006 2:22:41 PM.

Re: Need advice

This just recently happened to my girlfriend. Like you, her DH began to blame her for everything that was wrong with the marriage. She got all of her phone records on line and it turned out that her DH was talking to another woman. NOt only did this happen after they were married but she found calls the day before the wedding, on the wedding day, every day during their honey moon he called this other woman.

My friend felt like a fool and like most women her self-esteem was very low. She blamed herself for everything. She begged him to accept her apology for all the things she had done wrong. ????? I couldnt believe that my friend was accepting his behavior. But, it took her 3 years to realize that the affair wasn't her fault and that it was her husband who had the issues. She coudn't bare to married to him any longer because the trust was gone. She just filed for divorce last week. She mentioned had he shown some type of remorse or the wanting to go to counseling in the beginning, then maybe she would of given him a chance. But, he failed to do either. He didnt apologize to her until the day they seperated. He begged her for her forgiveness and to give him another chance.

Sorry to hijack with my friends story but your story reminds me of her. My friend has such a sense of relief now and she has regained her self-esteem.

IMO: I think you should confront him once you have all the telephone records and regardless of whether or not he is cheating, I would suggest counseling. Especially, since he has expressed how he felt about the marriage.

YOur hunch is usually right.


So sorry you are going through all of this!

Re: Need advice

I am so sorry you are going through this!

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I would come right out and ask. who cares that you were snooping? Its a cell phone. I dont think a man or women in a mrriage should have to or ever hide who they are talking to on the phone, so its not really like you were snooping, you looked based on his CHANGE in behavior and now you see it was warranted. I dont think you were snooping at all.

I would be worried and woudl want the truth and ASAP.

I also would sit down and have him tell you point blank what it is he dislikes about your contribution to the marriage so you can understand and fix it. Then see if any of his points are valid or not.

Im sorry your going through this.

We will all be here to help no matter what the result.

Re: Need advice

I feel that even if your husband has not been honest with you, or if you are afraid that he won't be, you should try honesty first. Try not to go into it in a way that he feels attacked, just say that you want to seriously talk with him because you are concerned and worried, and present the reasons you ahve for being suspicious that he is cheating on you. Try to be firm and stand your ground -- that as much as he might want to blame you, you have reason to believe this, and it has to be the two of you, it isn't just one person or the other, and you feel it needs to be talked and worked out.

I would also suggest counceling reguardless of the outcome.

I know many people won't admit to it and would become defensive if you approached them, but I do think that giving him the option to speak with you openly about it is a better answer then being sneaky and trying to find out more on your own. I think if it came down to it he'd have less to put on YOU if you truely did go about it honestly and just looking for answers instead of going behind his back with a PI or something like that.

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Anywho.colm

Yellow Pages Reverse

Good luck!

I'm sorry you're going through this...but trust your insticts! I hope you could work through this!

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I'd get all the records I possibly could. I don't know if you own a home, have childen, assets together, etc. But, if you do, you might want to have concrete proof in case things don't work out.

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I would call the number and see who answers. Ask her some questions.

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He's not going to admit it. You need to have the proof upfront. My ex denied it so badly; but once I had the proof, he was like a deer in headlights. It's a HORRIBLE way to live and I'm sorry you may be going through something so sh*tty. Unfortunately, you're going to probably have to follow him but be careful of what you might find.

Where there's smoke there's fire. I don't think any husband should be talking to a woman that you DON't know.

FM me if you need some advice on what to do, suggestions, etc. I've been there done that. Sorry!!!

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Don't let this go...get to the bottom of it. You need to know what is going on or you will never have peace of mind

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This happened to a co-worker of mine. His wife started working overtime every wednesday. So he would have to watch his children. Then one day one of his good buddies came over, and said to him something doesn't feel right. So my co-worker said there was nothing to worry about. The following week his buddy came over again, and said take my keys to my car. I'll watch the kids. I don't trust her. All the years at that job, and she never worked overtime. So he went to her office, and parked. He watched come out, and get a duffel bag out of her car. Minutes later she came back out with a hoochie mama outfit on. A car pulled up, and she got in it. He followed them to the Garden City Hotel. He waited for them to check in, and confronted her. She said she was there for her company Christmas party. He asked the receptionist if there a was Christmas party for such and such. She said no. The guy she was cheating on him with ran as fast as he could. She finally admitted the affair to him. They are going through a divorce.

I wouldn't trust your husband. It doesn't sound right. I hope everything works out for you.

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I agree that you have to do what you have to do to get to the bottom of this . . .

Re: Need advice

Posted by worriedmrs

Posted by JenniferEver

I'd be VERY concerned. It could be nothing. But phone calls and behavior exactly like thata re how we found out about my dad's gf. Especially with blaming you all the time. I don't know if confronting him will work. Most men won't admit it even when confrotned. Ask him if we will consider counseling.

If you can't get it from the phone company (you cna usually get it by logging int the account if you know the pw). you can actually pay for cellphone records, if you want to, or pay to find out whose cellphone # it is, etc.

This is exactly what I am afraid of. I suggested counseling but he refuses to go. I tried to google the phone # but it is unlisted. I didn't know I could pay for the #. I was going to try to create an online account, but am nervous of his wrath if he finds out. I could see him divorcing me over doing something like that.

Re: Need advice

I just paid $14.95 for the reverse phone search but so far nothing has come up. I know it is a woman because in his phone it is listed as a woman's name (that I have never heard of before). I called it and hung up twice today. A woman answered. I also found her email address in his nightstand and a different slip of paper with hotel names written on it.

I also asked him for specifics two nights ago about what I can do to make it better and he said nothing. We want different things and that's it. I explained that I would give up what I wanted (the big $$$ house that we now have on small piece of property) to get what he wants: more travel, $ in the bank, smaller house... but he keeps saying "it's more than this one thing. it's everything".

Thank you everyone for your support. I am considering doing the P.I. route but want to wait a little... but it is eating me alive.

Message edited 8/19/2006 9:44:56 PM.