Re: I deperately need advice

Posted by Bxgell2

Posted by HelpPlease

OMG SHe just messaged him on the computer at home. He is at work I am at home.....I am so tempted to say something to her
I don't know what to do

That's the perfect way to ask him about it! When he gets home, tell him you were on the computer and this chick sent a message for him...

Re: I deperately need advice

I wouldn't write back but this gives you what you need to confront him. I would ask who she is and what is going on with them. Give him a chance to come clean. He definitely should not have been confiding in her about any marital problems that you were having but right now you have an opportunity to let him come to you and discuss it with you directly. I would give him that opportunity and if he doesnt come clean in a reasonable amount of time then tell him what you already know and suggest that he stop talking to her immediately and the two of you start talking to a therapist.

Re: I deperately need advice

How did u get his message? I'm confused? Does it automatically log into his IM?

Re: I deperately need advice

I am going to leave it alone for now. I called him and told him I was at the lab doing some studying so when he does come home he can be like OH SH*T!!! and then he can come out with it himself.


Thanks for the quick thinking.

But OH so badly did I want to say something to her. I'd rather confront my husband first. Thanks again guys.

Re: I deperately need advice

Re: I deperately need advice

That's a good sign right? I mean, if he was really trying to hide something wouldn't he be more careful to change the settings so this wouldn't happen?

Re: I deperately need advice

Re: I deperately need advice

Re: I deperately need advice

Oh he is definitely the aggressor. That's why I hadn't said anything to up to this point because like I said she seems totally uninterested. But he is still calling her when I am asleep and making sure to change his password. All signs unnecessary if something wasn't going to come of this.

Re: I deperately need advice

IDK something just wouldn't sit right with me. Maybe it is the pessimist in me but I would think well perhaps she said you and your wife should visit because she got nervous that someone else might see the IM since he did not respond.

In any event I would not wait to see if he says anything to you, I would talk to him about it first. He probably wont even say anything to you thinking you didnt see the IM, plus look at what he has been hiding all along. You have your excuse, she IM'd him while you were on the computer. I would ask him how he got back in touch with her, etc.... and see what he says. If he tells you the truth then tell him how you feel. If he lies and says he doesn't speak with her regularly, etc... then I would confront him.

ETA: I would not beat around the bush. He is your husband don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. JMHO

Message edited 4/3/2006 2:43:44 PM.

Re: I deperately need advice

Re: I deperately need advice

If that's the case, and you think its him, hard as it would be for me, I'd wait it out and see how far he goes before you confront him. I mean, he screwed up and so you "caught" him and, now you have this opportunity to "see" so to speak...I don't think I could confront him at this point and let it go...never knowing what he would have done had I not stopped him That's just me though and I am a psycho when it comes to these things For me, I would not be able to trust his word as to how far he would have taken it or if this is the only time...so I would always wonder....

Re: I deperately need advice

Posted by itsbabytime

If that's the case, and you think its him, hard as it would be for me, I'd wait it out and see how far he goes before you confront him. I mean, he screwed up and so you "caught" him and, now you have this opportunity to "see" so to speak...I don't think I could confront him at this point and let it go...never knowing what he would have done had I not stopped him That's just me though and I am a psycho when it comes to these things For me, I would not be able to trust his word as to how far he would have taken it or if this is the only time...so I would always wonder....

Message edited 4/3/2006 2:47:28 PM.

Re: I deperately need advice

Posted by HelpPlease

Posted by lullabella

IDK something just wouldn't sit right with me. Maybe it is the pessimist in me but I would think well perhaps she said you and your wife should visit because she got nervous that someone else might see the IM since he did not respond.

That is exactly what I thought that is another reason why I didn't say anything to her.

I thought the same thing - sorry

Re: I deperately need advice

lullabella - u r totally right. its easy for me to say that not being in the situation. if it were me, id be devastated and who knows what i would do - probably would have blown up on him already!

im so sorry for u but, this is nothing that you can't work out and maybe your marriage will be stronger because of it!

Re: I deperately need advice

Posted by lullabella

Posted by HelpPlease

I know that I want to confront him but he is going to say something to the effect of me spying on him. ANd I don't trust him. I know that is going to turn into a big fight.
Our relationship has been a little rocky lately. I go to school fulltime and work full time which makes me very stressed out. I have the bad habit of taking it out on him and he told her how much of a witch I have been lately. Why would someone go and tell someone else that he hasn't spoken to in 7 years the details of our relationship.
He also suggested she come to NY to visit and he will offer her his tour guide services. Her reply was "your wife would totally flip out"

I can't stop shaking and crying over this.

I agree. Good luck
Honestly I don't see that you have a choice. If you don't confront him now this is going to get worse and possibly lead to something that will ruin your marriage. Sounds like you need to talk about a bunch of things, you being stressed out, etc... tell him you want to make this relationship work and that you both need to work on it. Maybe then he won't feel so attacked.

If he says your spying or you don't trust him, ask him why he tries to erase the history on the computer or why he has secret phone calls??? Those are not the actions of someone who isn't trying to hide something.

Re: I deperately need advice

Posted by itsbabytime

If that's the case, and you think its him, hard as it would be for me, I'd wait it out and see how far he goes before you confront him. I mean, he screwed up and so you "caught" him and, now you have this opportunity to "see" so to speak...I don't think I could confront him at this point and let it go...never knowing what he would have done had I not stopped him That's just me though and I am a psycho when it comes to these things For me, I would not be able to trust his word as to how far he would have taken it or if this is the only time...so I would always wonder....

Re: I deperately need advice

First off hugs to you.
I am so sorry u r going thru this. I went thru this with an ex fiancee right before I met my DH. You have to get help. I would confront him , but also get some counseling, you are going to need it. Did he ever do this to you before u were married? You have to weight the pro's and con's, and like I said before get some help dealing with this. A married man should not be talking to an ex gorlfriend when u r sleeping or awake. I am so sorry u r going thru this.

Re: I deperately need advice

I don't have any advice. I'm sorry you're going through this right now

Re: I deperately need advice

Message edited 4/3/2006 6:53:01 PM.

Re: I deperately need advice

Well I confronted him tonight when I got home from school. I asked him who is Vanessa. He told me a friend. I said from where? (I was very calm) He explained to me that he just recently got into touch with her and that he knew her from school. I just kept grilling him with questions never letting my guard down about what I knew. He also told me he wasn't going to lie to me when I asked him if he thought she was cute and he said yes. I asked if she was a threat. He said no. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with him getting so chummy with her. I told him I didn't want him to call her on the phone nor talk to her ALL the time. He said fine. So now we'll see what happens next. He thinks he is going to be slick now because he is going to sign out of his computer all the time from messenger but does he think I won't question this?


Thanks again for all your help. I feel a little more at ease. And I will keep you posted should anything else arise.

Re: I deperately need advice Update at bottom

Re: I deperately need advice Update at bottom

Update on original post

Re: I deperately need advice Update at bottom

Here it is:


Update; My husband left for the gym about an hour ago. Earlier than normal. And now I get an e-mail in myspace account from her. She is all nice. I replied to her with Oh I am glad you wrote me. We just had a conversation about you tonight. I am curious to know now if he told you. Let's see what she has to say.

Message edited 4/3/2006 7:22:50 PM.

Re: I deperately need advice Update at bottom