What's your opinion on having children?

I've been thinking a lot about this subject and was just curious to hear everyone's opinion. Since the wedding, many people ask when we plan to have children. As akward as it seems, we dont have the desire or need to reproduce. I've spoken to others and I've gotten the feeling that sometimes its an instinctual feeling and other times its out of pure love to have children. If you have children, in the process, or plan to.... what is your main reason(s) in doing so? I sometimes wonder why I dont get that desire like everyone else and if that's normal or not?

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

we def want to have kids once we are married. is it normal to not want to have kids, no, i just think so many people think that once you are married, that is just the next step. but whats good for one, is not always good for the other.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

I want to have children just not anytime soon. We would like to wait about 2-3 years before we start trying. I would like some time to be married before we have a family.

We have a ton of kids in our family and honestly there is nothing better. I love them all so much and in that respect can't wait to start having my own.

ETA - I think that not everyone wants children and I think that is perfectly normal. It is def. not for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Message edited 12/16/2005 4:44:54 PM.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

its to each's own, for myself personally, I've always wanted them, I just feel like that would complete me, I've always wanted them and i know I would be devistated if I couldnt have them. DH feels the same, perhaps not as strongly, but he knows how important that is to me, and if he wasnt on the same page as me as far as wanting to have them, I wouldnt have married him then .

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

I don't think wanting kids is instinctual per say.
When i was younger i wanted them very much. As i got older i realized the gravity that is having children. It is a HUGE responsibility and that FREAKED ME OUT for a while. I was sooo nervous about being able to be a good mom, being able to care for the child the way i want to...etc..

So that stopped me for a while. Until i felt comfortable with my life in it's entirety..that i could be the mom i want to be (or at least on my way). So now i am back to being very excited about having kids

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Well.. we want kids. I don't know if I can explain why. I just love children and DH and I both wanted to have kids. It was just a feeling we both had. Now that I am pregnant, we are so excited! We can't wait for our little girl to come.

But I think if you don't have the desire, follow it. Its so upsetting when you see parents who had children just because they thought they were supposed to. I don't think either feeling is "normal", its just about what you want. People want different things, different lifestyles- that's what makes us all special.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

I don't know about instinct and "knowing"- I think there's so much mythology about being a mom and having kids. I've had more than one woman tell me that they were shaken up by the fact that they didn't feel all those overwhelming feelings of love, and that it really took a while. That the love is something that may have to grow. I'm filing that under the "good to know" files.

As for me, I am on the fence- I know for the past couple months during the TTC process I've been disappointed to not be pregnant. But at the same time I like my life the way it is, and to be honest, I do think I could be happy to not have kids. I know quite a few people who are not parents but lead interesting and fulfilling lives.

I don't think it's for everyone, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

I agree w/ Jenn. I love my daughter but do I desire to have another one...NO! I think in due time if it does happen then it will. If not, then I was blessed w/ one. As of now..I don't want another one...but maybe later my maternal instincts will kick in.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

I don't think its instinctual to want to have children. And the fact that you already have decided that children are not what you and your Dh wants is very admirable, actually. Having children is not and should not be for everyone, and I think that as long as you've determined that for yourself, you will have a very happy life indeed

The things is - in this society, its just 'expected' that we're all supposed to find our true love, get married, have kids, etc. That is not the right life for everyone, however. And I dont think anyone should beat you up or make you question why you don't have that 'instinct' to have children .. its not something you are born with, you determine what you want out of your life as you get older.. just as you choose your lifestyle, career, interests, etc.

I know that for ME, I went back and forth for a LONG time before really getting the true "urge" to be a parent about 5 years ago. In fact, there was once a time in my life that I never thought I'd meet a man I'd WANT to have children with, let alone have them. So in fact, it was never instinctual for me to want a baby or a family. Its something I figured out about myself (as did my husband) when I fully felt 'ready' and able to tackle such an overwhelming challenge. I also think I needed to be happy with ME as an adult woman and fulfilled in my life in other ways before the maternal instincts kicked in.

Now, I cannot imagine my future without them, and I hope that I am blessed with such a gift in the near future

Message edited 12/16/2005 4:52:09 PM.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

I was/am just like you. I really had very little desire to have children. I always wondered if my maternal instinct (read: desire to have a baby) would EVER kick in. I was never into baby "crap" as I so fondly called it. I could care less about babies, I never drooled over them, didn't understand why others did, and quite frankly, they simply scared the ever-living shyt out of me.

So if you ask me why I now have a son, technically the answer is because I got pregnant, not because we tried.

But, on the days that I thought I would one day have a baby, the reasons were because I come from a big extended family and I've always felt that family is so important and such a wonderful thing to have in life. Also, the idea of having something, a whole new person, that was a part of both me and DH, sounded pretty darn romantic.

Now that he's here... well, all I can say is I can understand why people just keep on having babies!!

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

But I think if you don't have the desire, follow it. Its so upsetting when you see parents who had children just because they thought they were supposed to. I don't think either feeling is "normal", its just about what you want. People want different things, different lifestyles- that's what makes us all special.


Agreed...

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Both JT and I always knew we wanted to have children, however, we really did not want them for quite some time. When we found out I was pregnant only 3 months after our wedding, there were so many mixed emotions. On the one hand, we were so happy to know that we were having a child, but on the other hand, we felt really sad that we wouldn't be able to enjoy all of the alone time we had originally planned for ourselves. I still feel sad some days, like we cheated ourselves out of something by having a baby already, but I also feel so happy to be having a baby. When it comes down to it, what if this is my only chance to have a child? I feel like I'm so lucky that I have been given this.
I don't think that having children is for everyone, and I really respect people who can make the decision to not have children. I've seen what it's like when people who don't want kids do have them, and it makes me sad because no one ends up being happy in those situations. And I don't think that everyone has an instinctual feeling that they want to have a baby. Both JT and I grew up around babies and have taken care of babies, so I think it's a little less scary for the two of us to think of having children. Whereas many other people I know are TERRIFIED to have children because they've never spent anytime near a baby.
However it is you feel, it's not wrong or right, it's how you feel, and it's ok.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Well, dont get me wrong. I dont plan on having children just because of pressure. I always stick to my guns as well as my husband does. I wouldnt dare bring a human being into this world knowing fully well I could not give them the love and attention they deserve. But I guess in understanding myself, I was looking for insight on something I dont have, maternal instinct. Its so foreign to me, but reading your post gives me a small understanding of how it's seen through the eyes of others. Thanks for sharing and please post more.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

My best friend doesn't want children. She loves her life the way it is..Of all the many years i have known her it has never changed...It is just not for her.

I respect her for knowing who she is and making the right decision for her!

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Diva, you're not alone in your feelings...I just finished saying to someone today that I'm 30 years old and my biological clock is not ticking and I don't know if it ever will. My DH and I both agree that as of right now, we do not want any children...will that change in a few years? Who knows, but the best decision for us right now, is to not have any. Ultimately, this is between you and your DH and you have to make decisions based on what's best for the both of you, not what everyone else thinks you should be doing.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Well, I know for myself I always wanted children. Heck, I wanted five! I always grew up with younger nieces/nephews/2nd cousins, etc. and always were drawn to babies/small children. But as I got into my 20's, I realized the full scope of the responsibility of having a child; care, expense, etc. I also realized that all babies grow up and can become very difficult adolescents, adults, etc. The magnitude of having a child spooked me from having them up until I became pregnant with Amber. I just knew I was ready for her and I have no regrets whatsoever. Am I ready for # 2? Probably not, maybe not forever.

Some people feel the need to have a child "just because", you know like the missing piece to the appearance of a perfect family/life? Or maybe they're lazy about protection? It has to be something that you need and want in the bottom of your soul. Not something that you do feel obligated to do out of peer pressure or the desire of a status symbol. I actually know a few people that had them for that reason alone and their children are very emotionally detached adults. It's not for everyone

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Posted by prncssrachel

Don't worry, I don't think anyone thinks you would unwillingly bring a child into this world while not planning on loving it
Do you know anyone close with small babies? Have you ever spent a day with a baby? Maybe if you did that, you might get a better sense of how you feel on the situation. It's somethign that is really foreign if you've never done it. Hell, it's foreign even if you have! But I definitely suggest spending time around children if you are unsure about how you feel.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Posted by Redhead

Posted by prncssrachel

Don't worry, I don't think anyone thinks you would unwillingly bring a child into this world while not planning on loving it
Do you know anyone close with small babies? Have you ever spent a day with a baby? Maybe if you did that, you might get a better sense of how you feel on the situation. It's somethign that is really foreign if you've never done it. Hell, it's foreign even if you have! But I definitely suggest spending time around children if you are unsure about how you feel.

honestly...i used to try that back in my freaked out days...It made it worse actually.

I think when and if you are ready...you will know.
So i guess in that sense it is kinda instincts..

but for me..in my life, the instinct to have them or not changed many times.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

We def. want kids infact we have been trying for 4 months with no luck and i was crushed. HOwever lately my feelings have changed a bit. I still want to do things like drink, have a life and come and go as i please. DH doesnt feel this way he really really wants one. It doesnt help that my in laws are dying to have a grandchild and i know they will be up my a$$ when i have one. THAT DEF. DOESN NOT HELP THE SITUATION!!!

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

I have been married a little over 2 years and I am preggo right now, we were not trying so it was quite a surprise, but very exciting!!!

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

I think I want one or two, but not for a few years. There's a lot I want to do for me first (finish my doctorate, travel more, have more alone time with DH!) before we'd ever start trying. I'm not a baby person--I never babysat, or wanted to hold babies--but the thought of creating a little person that is half me, half DH is something I couldn't resist! My mom said she never liked babies until she had her own...How could you not fall in love with a little person who is half you? It's such a huge responsibility, and I know right now I wouldn't want that 24/7 commitment in addition to all the other commitments I have, but I am 92% sure I would want kids one day.

Strangely enough, no one has asked us yet. My MIL suggested at Thanksgiving that my nephew would like a cousin, and her wish came true when my BIL's girlfriend of two months got pregnant, so that stopped her comments!

Message edited 12/16/2005 6:44:13 PM.

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

Sometimes I feel a strong desire to give birth to a child, sometimes I want to adopt, sometimes I want nothing to do with kids. In a year or two DH and I will take a look at where we are financially and emotionally and see if we're ready. Right now I'm not, and I don't think he is either.

If someone asks me one more time when we are having kids (b/c that's what's next ) I am going to ask them when they are getting divorced (since that's what's next).

Re: What's your opinion on having children?

My perspective is a little different from what has been posted so far. I always wanted children and assumed I would have them. I met and married my DH later than most people, and I now probably have a small window of time in which I can get pregnant. So I think most people assumed that I would try very soon after the wedding.

However, I have discovered as I am approaching 40, that I don't have as strong a desire to have children as I once did. I made a career change in my 30s and have had lots of changes in the past 10 years that were stressful. So, I feel like I finally met Mr. Right and want to have time to be a couple. And, as others have said, I realize now what a great responsibility children are and I think I have a better idea of what raising a child entails, since I observe all of my siblings and many friends raising their own kids. My attitude now is more one of "if it happens, I would be happy, and if it doesn't, I would be happy." I know that adding children to our family will be a wonderful experience, but I also know that I can live a happy and fulfilling life as a wife, aunt and friend. I have lots of children in my life to spoil, either way

Message edited 12/16/2005 6:43:12 PM.