I deperately need advice Update at bottom

I am new on here and changed my name because of reasons that are obvious. But I was hoping that I could get some 3rd party advice on what I should do.

I recently found that my husband was talking to an old friend on Myspace.com It would be no big deal but all the signs of cheating are there.

1. He logs on when I am asleep and send e-mails back and forth until one of them has to go.

2. He attempts to delete all the history from the computer so I cannot see it.

3. I found an e-mail of him telling his friend to check out her updated page and that she is "So damn cute"

4. I looked up the phone record this morning to find that he called her last night, again after I was asleep and spoke for an hour on the phone.

He has never even mentioned this girl to me. And I know that he has been speaking to her regarding our relationship. From what I have gathered she continues to tell him "don't piss your wife off" in regards to calling her and such.
She is recently divorced with 2 children. She lives in California.
I don't what my next step should be. Since he is not technically cheating on me. He tells her he loves me. But to me this is very disrespectful for him to be talking to her.

Please somebody help me. I haven't been eating since finding this out and I am having a hard time sleeping. I feel like I am dying inside.


Update; My husband left for the gym about an hour ago. Earlier than normal. And now I get an e-mail in myspace account from her. She is all nice. I replied to her with Oh I am glad you wrote me. We just had a conversation about you tonight. I am curious to know now if he told you. Let's see what she has to say.

Message edited 4/3/2006 7:18:15 PM.

Re: I deperately need advice

First, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. This stuff can certainly get out of hand.

You must-must confront him. Get it out in the open. Forget about how you found out and how he will react-obviously you had a gut feeling about this and had to check it out. It's self preservation.

It doesn't have to be a big fight but it certainly has to stop. It's time to sit down and talk-really talk. This should not be going on! He needs to sever the ties now!!



Please let us know how it goes. I wish I could offer you easy advice about this, but unfortunately, it's not easy.

Message edited 4/3/2006 8:13:44 AM.

Re: I deperately need advice

I don't think his behavior is appropriate. Married men should not spend an hour talking on the phone with an old girlfriend. If i were you I would talk to him about this. I would let him know how much this is upsetting you and while you trust him you would feel better if he did not continue speaking to her. IMO he shouldn't have a problem with this.... Ask him how he would like it if the situation were reveresed??? I wouldn't be confrontational, just tell him something is bothering you and you want to talk.

Good luck!

Message edited 4/3/2006 8:22:34 AM.

Re: I deperately need advice

I know that I want to confront him but he is going to say something to the effect of me spying on him. ANd I don't trust him. I know that is going to turn into a big fight.
Our relationship has been a little rocky lately. I go to school fulltime and work full time which makes me very stressed out. I have the bad habit of taking it out on him and he told her how much of a witch I have been lately. Why would someone go and tell someone else that he hasn't spoken to in 7 years the details of our relationship.
He also suggested she come to NY to visit and he will offer her his tour guide services. Her reply was "your wife would totally flip out"

I can't stop shaking and crying over this.

Re: I deperately need advice

Cheating IMO is anything with a women that a man does behind his wife's back that he feels the need to "hide"

I think myspace has shown alot of people what their husband/wife/BF/GF may be capable of. I don't blame it for people cheating, causing strife or divorce but I definetly think it helps and it's also so sad how people don't realize how public it is and that they will get caught.

I'm sorry.

I would bring this subject up with him.

Re: I deperately need advice

Posted by HelpPlease

I know that I want to confront him but he is going to say something to the effect of me spying on him. ANd I don't trust him. I know that is going to turn into a big fight.
Our relationship has been a little rocky lately. I go to school fulltime and work full time which makes me very stressed out. I have the bad habit of taking it out on him and he told her how much of a witch I have been lately. Why would someone go and tell someone else that he hasn't spoken to in 7 years the details of our relationship.
He also suggested she come to NY to visit and he will offer her his tour guide services. Her reply was "your wife would totally flip out"

I can't stop shaking and crying over this.

Message edited 4/3/2006 8:42:12 AM.

Re: I deperately need advice

Re: I deperately need advice

Re: I deperately need advice

How appropriate....They are talking about cheating on the Today show.

Re: I deperately need advice

Well you definitely need to confront him with this, in a non-confrontational way. I know you said he's going to bring up you "spying" on him. And your answer to that should be: well obviously it was 100% justified. While it may not be full blown cheating, this is definitely inappropriate, disrespectful, and deceitful behavior for a married man.

Yes, it's going to turn into a fight... that may be inevitable at this point, but first you will fight and then you have to talk talk talk to get through this. Like someone else said, you have to talk about what's going on with the two of you - your stressed from working and going to school full time, the way you've been treating him, how that doesn't justify what he's doing, why he feels he needs to hide this "friendship" from you, or hide anything from you for that matter.

Thank goodness it seems you caught this just in time...I can't believe he's already asking her to come to NY ... I'm sorry but that means only one thing to me. I would be so incredibly hurt. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Re: I deperately need advice

It's rteally too bad if he brings up the "spying" business, b/c it's all about the same thing: trust. You no longer trust him and you have good reason - in my book, he IS cheating. Not physically, but in all other ways. He's cheating b/c he's lying, hiding, and being deceitful about this relationship.

Whatever you decide to do, DO NOT let him try to make you feel guilty. There's a reason you started investigating - you must have felt something was wrong and your hunch turned out to be true.

I would gather up all the strengh I could and decide what I want, then communicate that to him. If you want counseling, tell him. If you want him to move out, tell him. But stick to your guns so that you can live with yourself with this is over.

Re: I deperately need advice

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know If I'm the best person to give you advice on this matter because i'm so hot headed when it comes to cheating. BTW...I do consider this cheating in fact I would leave my DH because of it but that is just me. Him talking to another women, secret emails, offers for him to give her tours is all cheating to me, therefore there is no trust in the relationship. Trust IMO is the most important component in a marriage and if there is no trust there is no point being in the relationship..you have to be strong and I wish you luck in whatever decision you make.

Re: I deperately need advice

i agree w/ the others that you need to confront him. do you know how long this has been going on for?

Re: I deperately need advice

This just started last Sunday. I went to bed around normal time and then I heard my husband come to bed around 2am. I just had this gut feeling to check his e-mail. So I went into his e-mail found an e-mail sent to another girl (who was in my wedding party--she is one of his good friends) in the subject line read this is the root of evil I opened it and inside it said this is my issue and a link to her page. I opened the link to this girl's myspace.
So I checked his myspace account and sure enough there were all the e-mails. HE found her from what I gathered. After one e-mail back and forth he told her about me being a witch lately.
Later that day I went to go check to see if he had been writing her back and forth he had changed his password. I resorted to desperate measures at that time (my girlfriend is a PI) she told me how to get into his account. And I have been monitoring ever since.
She continues to tell him "don't make your wife mad. Happy wife=happy home."

Message edited 4/3/2006 9:40:14 AM.

Re: I deperately need advice

Wow...so he's been talking to her a week and already he's talking bad about you and asking her to come up to NY and offering to be her tour guide?!?

Who really cares if she's telling him to not piss you off, she's obviously not cutting off the communication with him which she could do. I'm not blaming her but her comments don't exactly acquit her of all guilt either. This is not going to take care of itself.

Re: I deperately need advice

imo, you guys have other issues at home they should be resolved also. where is the comminication, privacy, and respect? If you have to go off and sneek around, hack computers, etc... trust is a big concern. Granted he is wrong for covering up whatever he may be doing, it looks bad for you trying to see what he is doing. Your hunch may be right but I think the first time it happened, you should of asked him about it.

Good luck with your situation.

Re: I deperately need advice

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there with an ex, in a very similar situation, and it tore me to pieces. IMO, this is a form of cheating - a few months ago, I asked DH what cheating was - where do you draw the line? His response - cheating is anything that you feel you have to hide from your spouse, whether it's something physical, or something as innocent as spending time with another person, or emailing another person. As long as your husband isn't being forthright, and doing this in a sneaky way behind your back, IMO, it's cheating. He has broken the trust of your relationship and is telling all to a girl he hasn't spoken to in years. It almost sounds like he's setting up the groundwork for an illicit affair by showing her that he isn't happy with you anyway, almost justifying it. He knows what he's doing is wrong, that's why he's doing it when you're asleep, and that's why he changed his password. When you confront him, it WILL get ugly, but remember, don't let him turn it around to be your fault for "spying". He gave you good reason to, and your suspicions turned out to be right. Next time you go to sleep and he's up until 2am, I would march right into the room where he's emailing/on the phone and confront him then and there. Good luck

Re: I deperately need advice

First of all -- I am so sorry that you are going through this I can only imagine that it must be completely devastating.

Like some of the others have said - to me, this is ABSOLUTELY cheating. And, if you have to intervene to prevent the actual physical act - that scares me because who's to say what has already happened or what has happened in the future.

I would honestly right now do some PI work. How long have you been married? I would try to find out if this is the only time he has EVER done anything like this or if he has been open to these kinds of things before - on the internet or otherwise. I would even, as crazy as it sounds (and, i have a friend who did this but it was with a boyfriend and not her husband) make up a fake myspace person you think he would be interested in and start emailing him to see how he responds. To me - a HUGE issue here would be what is really going on...is this a good guy who is just about to make a one time horrible and desperate mistake or is he kind of a jerk who has done something like this before and will again.

This may sound a little extreme but, I tried to think of what I would do (b/c something like this is my WORST feear) and this is what I would do.

Once you know the facts then you can decide where you want to go from there. Once you confront him, you may never know the 100percent truth.

Re: I deperately need advice

Posted by lullabella

I don't think his behavior is appropriate. Married men should not spend an hour talking on the phone with an old girlfriend. If i were you I would talk to him about this. I would let him know how much this is upsetting you and while you trust him you would feel better if he did not continue speaking to her. IMO he shouldn't have a problem with this.... Ask him how he would like it if the situation were reveresed??? I wouldn't be confrontational, just tell him something is bothering you and you want to talk.

Good luck!

Re: I deperately need advice

Thank you all for your advice. I am going to confront him I am just unsure when or how. He has always told me everything that he does. All the other people on his myspace I either know of or have met. He isn't a jerk that would do this all the time. He is so nice to me most of the time and very supportive. He promises me all the time he would never cheat because his uncle did it and now his family accepts the ex-wife more than they do their own son. And he couldn't live without his family.

My problem is I don't have any family or close friends here in NY other than his family that I could turn to. I would have nowhere to go when I do confront him.

Re: I deperately need advice

Well, you have all of us here in LIF. We'll help you get through this.

Re: I deperately need advice

Oh we have been married a year and a half. Been together for almost 5 years.

Re: I deperately need advice

wow - I'm so sorry to hear this.

I went through something similar with my FH, about 3 years ago, but I am in no way about to compare a 20-yr-olds dating relationship to your marriage. Needless to say, FH and I have been together for 6 years. We worked through the mess that he caused, and he regrets it terribly. I confronted him at the time, and it got a little messy, but it also helped him realize what a moronnn he was being.

We're all here for you - you really need to confront him and find out what the heck is in his head!

Re: I deperately need advice

Message edited 4/3/2006 10:37:24 AM.

Re: I deperately need advice

You need to confront him soon. The sooner the better. As you let yourself get angrier and as we fuel the fire for you-it will get worse.

You are well in your right to confront him. If he brings up the spying on him thing, then you will have to say that he is evading the subject and the actual problem. It doesn't matter how you found out. You found out! Doesn't make his actions any less wrong (is that right?)..

anyway, do it soon so you can get it out and open up the communications again. It sounds like that has been lacking from your posts.

Good luck.