Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post). UPDATED 6/22

I am not looking to flame my DH, I am looking for genuine "here's what I would do advice". If there are any men out there, I am interested in your opinion as well. Ok, here is the situation:

Dh is VERY helpful with our DD, he will feed her if I pump out a bottle, change her diaper, tummy time, read her stories, etc. He is a really awesome dad.
About 3 weeks ago, he got promoted to work on a BIG project for his job. He is working directly with two VP's and he wants to make a great impression. He is working long hours (coming home at 9 or 10PM some nights) and commuting from Manhattan. This move is fantastic for his career, yet the timing is crazy because we have a newborn. I work P/T and work from home. I am home with our DD everyday for the most part. Dh's salary is what we "live on" and mine is for extras. DH's job also supplies us with medical benefits, life insurance, etc. I am on a 1099, so I just earn commissions.
When we first brought our DD home, we agreed to split the night time into two "shifts". First shift is 10;30 PM to 3AM; second shift is 3AM to 6AM (when DH has to start to get ready for work). I take the first so DH can sleep and he takes the second. He always has a pumped bottle in the fridge so he can feed her while I get a solid three hours.
The past four nights, he has not woken up for his shift and I nudge him to the point where he almost falls out of the bed. Then, he begs me to take his shift. When, I say no he gets upset and keeps asking until I do it. I do it because my DD is screaming her head off at the point when he asks me. I feel like I can't win. I mean, I need sleep too. When I express how I feel I get "you are home all day and can take naps. I am under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress with this new project, I promise I will help when things calm down at work". OK. Well I don't take naps so I can do HIS laundry, cook dinner, and clean the house (I HATE a dirty house, it drives me nuts). So, DH tells me that I should let the house go and take naps. I really don't think I can do that.

My questions are:
1 - Am I being unsupportive? I want to support him through this transition in his career, yet I need to sleep too. Should I just s*ck it up and deal with it?
2- What would you do? What solutions can you suggest?

TIA

UPDATE 6/22: I took the entire night shift last night. I fed DD at 11PM and she slept until 4:15AM!!!
I fed her, did the diaper change and then she slept from 4:45 to 7:15AM. Last night was not bad at all and DH gave me a HUGE hug and kiss this AM and told me he would make it up to me on the weekend. I do plan on trying to take a nap today, when she goes down for her mid-day nap. I will let you all know how it goes. Thanks again of all of the great advice.

Message edited 6/22/2006 9:40:39 AM.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Sorry but I think you should take the night feedings Like you said he is trying to impress the VP's-which could turn into alot more opportunities which usually means more freedom and money. We do not have children yet but DH and I are in the opposite situation. He works from home and I have a regular job which I have to be at at 8:30. So HE will be doing the night feedings. If you insist on keeping it like it is then maybe you could work it out that her last feeding is at 10:30 then he goes to bed, then you wake up at 3:30 to feed her and hopefully she sleeps until 8 or so. Good luck!

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Posted by melijane

Sorry but I think you should take the night feedings Like you said he is trying to impress the VP's-which could turn into alot more opportunities which usually means more freedom and money. We do not have children yet but DH and I are in the opposite situation. He works from home and I have a regular job which I have to be at at 8:30. So HE will be doing the night feedings. If you insist on keeping it like it is then maybe you could work it out that her last feeding is at 10:30 then he goes to bed, then you wake up at 3:30 to feed her and hopefully she sleeps until 8 or so. Good luck!

Message edited 6/21/2006 10:16:01 AM.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

to you. I know it is so tough. It took a while for DH and I to work out a system that works, and you know it still changes.

When I was home on maternity leave, DH would do the 10pm feeding and I would do the middle of the night one and then he would do the 6am one before he went to work. DH didnt really understand that I didnt get to relax and take naps during the day until I left him with dd for ONE HOUR! One hour doesnt compare to a whole day but it helped him realize the difficulty. I also would hand him over the baby when he got home for work so that I could get some "me" time.

Now we are both back at work full-time and somehow we manage to balance it. For instance, DH doesnt mind feeding dd her bottle because he can sit and watch TV while she is eating. While I feed her the "real food" he makes her bottles for the next day.

Hope this helps and hope the job stress eases up soon.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Since I'm in the same boat as you (DH with a high stress job and sole income right now and me with a very small PT job and a one month old)
We do not share the feedings every night. That is my job. Though I need my sleep... the night feedings are only temporary for a few months (one month down!) and I'm $ucking it up for him. He has to function at a desk and deal with clients for 9 hours and he can not be sleep deprived. But we do compromise and he does do all the overnight feedings on Friday night and does the 3-4am feeding on Saturdays.

As for the house work... I strap Michael in the Baby Bjorn and carry him with me as I do my chores around the house.

Am I tired? OMG YES! But I know it won't last forever. Coffee is my best friend and I also have my mom or MIL come by once in a while for a few hours to watch the baby while I nap.

HTH

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Message edited 6/21/2006 10:22:49 AM.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

If it were me, I would just take the night shift completely. I did anyway - even when I went back to work because the last thing I wanted to risk was my husband being tired while doing electrical work. (I realize our DHs have different jobs entirely). I would let the housework slide as he suggested - do laundry on the weekends (which I do now anyway) - and order food in when necessary.

What it sounds like you're both saying is that you both have too much responsibility during the day and the night. You both need to let some of that responsibility slide. You can't let your newborn fend for herself at this point. So you take that one - and he can help out with housework on the weekends.

Good luck!

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Message edited 2/8/2007 12:27:39 PM.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

I agree with the other girls I think you need to take the nite shift for now. And props for having a great DH who is so good with your DD and even though he works and would probably like the weekend off makes sure you get your sleep and alone time on weekends.

I know having a messy house can erk you - I feel the same way. What if with your extra money you bring in you hire a cleaning person once a week or every other week just until DD starts sleeping through the night. Its a small price to pay to have a clean house AND to get regular sleep.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Can you afford a cleaning person-my friend has one that comes every two weeks for $60(per clean). At least for a week after you can "coast" on that cleaning and then you'll just have to pick up and do a bigger cleaning every other week. I don't think you're being ureasonable, but uou do need to compromise. I liked the other posters idea of him taking the weekend feedings so then at least you have 2 days. Check out Flylady.com for ways to clean quickly. I don't follow her whole routine but some of the things she says really make sense.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

I think you should take the night feeding. He is probably working really hard and is very stressed out. I would give him as much rest as he needed until he gets used to the transition.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

THANKS LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I truly appreciate all of the honest advice. I guess being sleep deprived made me a little bit(hy to my DH. I will take all the night feedings and diaper changes until work slows down for him.
I love my DD, but this motherhood thing is way more difficult than I thought and I don't have a colicky baby (thank God). I used to think commuting to NYC and working a full day was difficult, not compared to being a SAHM working P/T. I thought would feel fulfilled and win the mom of the year award. This is REALLY hard; WAY more challenging than I imagined it would be.

I feel like I am morphing into one of those moms who will end up on Oprah in five years wearing sweats or "MOM JEANS" saying 'I used to be different, now I have let myself go". I NEVER want to be that person. But, when all you do all day is change diapers, BF, have a burp session, clean spit up out of my hair, over and over again it it hard to feel sexy or fabulous.

Someone please tell me it gets easier. Tell me I am not destined for a lifetime of mom jeans and mini vans.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Posted by dandr10199

THANKS LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I truly appreciate all of the honest advice. I guess being sleep deprived made me a little bit(hy to my DH. I will take all the night feedings and diaper changes until work slows down for him.
I love my DD, but this motherhood thing is way more difficult than I thought and I don't have a colicky baby (thank God). I used to think commuting to NYC and working a full day was difficult, not compared to being a SAHM working P/T. I thought would feel fulfilled and win the mom of the year award. This is REALLY hard; WAY more challenging than I imagined it would be.

I feel like I am morphing into one of those moms who will end up on Oprah in five years wearing sweats or "MOM JEANS" saying 'I used to be different, now I have let myself go". I NEVER want to be that person. But, when all you do all day is change diapers, BF, have a burp session, clean spit up out of my hair, over and over again it it hard to feel sexy or fabulous.

Someone please tell me it gets easier. Tell me I am not destined for a lifetime of mom jeans and mini vans.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Posted by MABLE03

It gets MUCH easier and alot more fun!! I promise hang in there!! Believe it or not before you even realize you will be thinking back on these days and actually miss them somewhat!!

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

It gets easier, a lot easier.
I remember furiously rifling through the baby book when she was 10 weeks old trying to find out when I could let her "cry it out" because I just could not take it anymore. When I read that it said 6 months I cried. I kept saying "I won't make it to 6 months". Well I made it to 6 months and that seemed to be the magic number. She became fun and could sit up and play by herself and give me a little break when I needed it. Every month gets easier and you learn to relax more.

I do think you need to try and nap during the day. If the dishes are in the sink when you husband gets home it is not the end of the world and it sounds like he is the type of guy to wash them for you. I like a clean house too but after 12 months of motherhood I have decided that my sanity is more important than a clean house.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Maybe you can make a deal with DH that he takes a night feeding e4very other night...or even every 2 nights. Also on weekends he could do more feedings and let you sleep.

I know how you feel, its so hard. But I guess its really hard for DH too with the longer hours and working really hard at his job.

I would try every other night - so you get a small break at least at that time.

I hope you find a good solution for you....and get some much needed sleep!

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Posted by dandr10199



I feel like I am morphing into one of those moms who will end up on Oprah in five years wearing sweats or "MOM JEANS" saying 'I used to be different, now I have let myself go". I NEVER want to be that person. But, when all you do all day is change diapers, BF, have a burp session, clean spit up out of my hair, over and over again it it hard to feel sexy or fabulous.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

When I was home on maternity leave my FH did help out with the night feedings but he also helped out with the day feedings and everything but when he went back to work I had to do the night feedings being that he worked at night then when he would wake up in the late morning he would take the baby from me and let me get my rest and he would help with the cleaning and all. I know how you feel with haveing a messy house but maybe jsut straighten up a little here and there and then do major cleaning once or twice a week so you can get your rest during the day. When I went back to work it was a bit tiring doing the nite feedings but I did get my weekends and FH helped with the cleaning as well.

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

With both boys, my hubby took the nite feedings on Fridays and Saturdays when he didnt have to wake up the next day.

Although we moms RARELY IF EVER (I never) Take naps, I guess I was ok with him getting the sleep and not being groggy at work, if I was groggy at home, it was ok.

Im also nuts if things pile up, but sometimes its inevitable.

and I still think being home with baby(ies) is harder than any job out there. Why is it that when daddies are home with them, thats all they do, yet we cook, clean, get laundry done, etc etc etc etc

HUGS TO YOU, we've all been there (and I'll be there again in a few weeks)

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

My hubby has been working a ridiculous amount of overtime lately. If DD gets up at night, I get up with her. It's only fair. I totally feel your pain and I am worn out as well. I work 2-3 days also so at times I can be a ragging b*tch.......... to you!!

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

When Caiden was a baby he would eat every 1.5-2 hours up until he was 8 months old!!! I have no idea why. I was exclusively BF, but was pumping at work to have milk for daycare. So since I didn't have any extra milk I was the only one to get up with him every night. I was also working FT since he was 6 weeks old. Talk about tired. It's harder at first but then it does get easier. Your body gets used to it. Well, at least for me. I do think that if you're using formula so both parents can do feedings that taking turns or shifts would be right if both parents work FT. I think that if the mom is going to be staying home that maybe she should take on more of the nightly feedings and maybe let dad do the earlier evening/night one's, early morning one, so mom can rest more then.

Everyone would tell me too in the beginning to sleep when the baby sleeps. Well, I wasn't able to most of the time. I'm not a napper at all. When I was really tired I could, but hardly at all.

I would let DH do the last and first feeding and then maybe you can sleep then. I know it's hard changing your sleeping schedule, but you might have to so you can function. Remember, it is only for a short period of time. Though when you're going through it, it seems like forever.

Good luck!

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

What about him doing one or two during the week so he doesn't have to do it everynight, and you know that you can get a least a few hours at one time every so often

Re: Need advice re: sharing of responsibilities (sorry long post)

Have you gotten THE smile yet?