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Shanti
True love
Member since 6/05 12653 total posts
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Those who are not sure if you want children...
DH & I do not have the baby bug and are not sure if we ever will. I am honest with the fact that I know that can change but as of right now, we are not ttc or planning to. Whenever I say this to ppl who inquire about when we are having kids, they give me so much grief. Why is that? I am very happy for people who want children and have them but if we end up not having children, why the grief? I think the worst thing would be to have them and not want them or do it because it is the next "step" - do you find this too?
Edited for spelling.
Message edited 2/21/2006 1:50:52 PM.
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Posted 2/21/06 1:50 PM  |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
I could have written your post myself! 
I find that most acquaintances are just asking out of curiosity, or as a get to know you conversation, and that's fine with me. They usually accept my answer.
The worst offenders are those closest to me- my friends and family. Somehow they got the idea that they can make all kinds of inappropriate comments. I get:
-You'll change your mind.
-You aren't getting any younger.
-Your life will be empty and meaningless.
And my personal favorite: You don't love DH if you aren't willing to have his children.
It has caused me a lot of heartache. I have grown a thicker skin, and I've started to be REALLY rude with the more insistent ones.
ETS
Message edited 2/21/2006 2:07:11 PM.
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:00 PM |
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oneday
<3
Member since 5/05 4319 total posts
Name:
Pam
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Yes! I find the same thing. Most people will tell me - "Oh, you'll change your mind." Now, since I was young I just never felt I wanted to have kids - I don't dislike them (well, sometimes I do , but that's not the reason) I just never wanted my own. My mother used to get so mad at me - in fact one time she told me she thought that was very mean of me (partially kidding (I think) b/c she wanted grandkids.)
At any rate, I'm not really sure why people think it's such a crazy thing. Or that they should have to tell me how silly and wrong I am.
and I totally agree - if someone doesn't want them, it would be so wrong to have them to make other people happy!
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:00 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
I looked at this post, even though I have children.
First, let me say that if you don't want children, I think that you shouldn't have them. I'm not saying it because you wouldn't be great with them. I love my kids but you know what, it's hard, really really hard. Having a kid scream that he's "not going to be your son anymore" is really trying. Even though I answer "My name is on your birth certificate, I will always be your mommy.", there are times I'm biting my tongue not to say "Fine, we're going to the mommy store to get you a new mommy."
But now that i have them, I get why people try to convince people to have them (even though it's completely none of their business). It's because - even though I want to drop my kid off at the mommy store, it's probably the best feeling I've ever had in the world when he gives me a hug or she snuggles up with me. I dont' think people really get it until they have children. They say they do (I love my nephew so much, My dog is my baby, etc) but you really can't get it until you're there. Nothing can compare to it. People know how great it is and want their friend to feel that great too.
No one should be giving you grief of having kids or not having kids. It's a choice - and a serious one. I'm sure you get people thinking you're having fertilty issues or that your marriage is in trouble too. I waited one year to have kids. The number of people questioning me was ridiculous. I was so infuriated by it. Try to chalk their comments up to "first love" for their child and try to ignore them as best you can.
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:13 PM |
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pmpkn087
Life is good...
Member since 9/05 18504 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
We are TTC, but I also understand how you feel. DH and I have been together for almost 8 years, and first all we heard was "where's the engagement ring?" then when I had a ring they all said "when's the wedding date...wow 2years, why so long?" Now that we are married, they say "so, where's the kids?" It's like leave me alone, I will do things as I please.
I think that people feel the need to change your mind or something (for those that do not want children). It is none of their business if you decide to never have kids!!
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:16 PM |
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DonnaJoe708
Hello
Member since 5/05 4002 total posts
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Posted by DMcK
DH & I do not have the baby bug and are not sure if we ever will. I am honest with the fact that I know that can change but as of right now, we are not ttc or planning to. Whenever I say this to ppl who inquire about when we are having kids, they give me so much grief. Why is that? I am very happy for people who want children and have them but if we end up not having children, why the grief? I think the worst thing would be to have them and not want them or do it because it is the next "step" - do you find this too?
Edited for spelling.
DH and I go through the exact same thing. People look at us like we're ***** when we say we don't know if we want any children. I've seen way too many people in my own family have children that they weren't really ready for, and it's not a good thing for anyone involved.
My family is pretty good about accepting this, because I've always said that I never knew if I wanted children. DH's family drives me crazy. They're always hinting or asking when are we going to have a baby. It kills me because how do they know that we're not trying and are having difficulty getting pregnant? People need to learn to mind their own business when it comes to this matter.
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:27 PM |
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LisaW
Time for me to FLY!
Member since 5/05 13199 total posts
Name:
Did I ever tell you that I hate people?
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Posted by DonnaJoe708
It kills me because how do they know that we're not trying and are having difficulty getting pregnant? People need to learn to mind their own business when it comes to this matter.
This is the problem we have...
It's tough when people who don't know what we are going through start asking...
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:29 PM |
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DonnaJoe708
Hello
Member since 5/05 4002 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Posted by LisaW
Posted by DonnaJoe708
It kills me because how do they know that we're not trying and are having difficulty getting pregnant? People need to learn to mind their own business when it comes to this matter.
This is the problem we have...
It's tough when people who don't know what we are going through start asking...
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:30 PM |
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megsmom
#2 on the way!
Member since 5/05 1723 total posts
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Baghag some of those things you said are completly true.. My family is KNOWN for this. Is so sickening.. I was at my SIL's shower this weekend I quote my aunt says to me " So when are you going to open your legs for your husband... I think your at a good age now what are you waiting for?" Shes really really Nutty to begin with but COME ON.. I will one day.. just excuse me I didnt know I had to call you everytime I lay down...
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:30 PM |
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MsG
Should be working
Member since 5/05 2824 total posts
Name:
G
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Misery loves company
Just kidding!
But I do think there is something to that - people want their own lives validated through those around them.
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:32 PM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
DH and I had the same feelings as you and your DH. And then we got PG unplanned.
When I used to tell people that we probably weren't going to have children I really never got alot of grief about it but I have heard it all too. I think there are 2 reasons why people react harshly to people who don't want children:
1 - because if they know you and love you, they want you to experience the amazing thing it is to have children of your own
2 - because if they have children of their own (or want to, or are trying to, etc), then you saying you don't want any, is almost like you are disapproving of their life choices. They take it as a judgement on them, even though it's not meant that way in the least bit, I feel that that's how they take it and that's why some people lash out.
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:35 PM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Posted by mattnnic327
Baghag some of those things you said are completly true.. My family is KNOWN for this. Is so sickening.. I was at my SIL's shower this weekend I quote my aunt says to me " So when are you going to open your legs for your husband... I think your at a good age now what are you waiting for?" Shes really really Nutty to begin with but COME ON.. I will one day.. just excuse me I didnt know I had to call you everytime I lay down...
 That has to be one of the ballsy-est comments I have ever heard.
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:35 PM |
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megsmom
#2 on the way!
Member since 5/05 1723 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Oh you have no idea
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:37 PM |
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Beth
The Key to your new home....
Member since 2/06 24849 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
I feel the same way- I am very happy now- I spend all my money on my self and we love to buy nice things
I want to have a baby- one day- but I just don't feel it-
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:39 PM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Posted by BabyAvocado
DH and I had the same feelings as you and your DH. And then we got PG unplanned.
When I used to tell people that we probably weren't going to have children I really never got alot of grief about it but I have heard it all too. I think there are 2 reasons why people react harshly to people who don't want children:
1 - because if they know you and love you, they want you to experience the amazing thing it is to have children of your own
2 - because if they have children of their own (or want to, or are trying to, etc), then you saying you don't want any, is almost like you are disapproving of their life choices. They take it as a judgement on them, even though it's not meant that way in the least bit, I feel that that's how they take it and that's why some people lash out.
I can understand #1, because I only have to look at the LIF moms to see the incredible joy their kids bring them.  I appreciate their good intentions and I try to be patient with them, but it is very hard.
#2 is an odd one. The group that is giving us the most pressure to have kids is also the group that is the most unhappy with their own children. I don't know what to make of that.
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:51 PM |
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Shanti
True love
Member since 6/05 12653 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Posted by BabyAvocado
2 - because if they have children of their own (or want to, or are trying to, etc), then you saying you don't want any, is almost like you are disapproving of their life choices. They take it as a judgement on them, even though it's not meant that way in the least bit, I feel that that's how they take it and that's why some people lash out.
It's funny because it makes me feel like they are passing judgement on me and our lifestyle. When you say you are not sure ever want children to someone who has them (and bugs you about it!), they act like you are a freak!
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:51 PM |
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Shanti
True love
Member since 6/05 12653 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Posted by baghag
Posted by BabyAvocado
DH and I had the same feelings as you and your DH. And then we got PG unplanned.
When I used to tell people that we probably weren't going to have children I really never got alot of grief about it but I have heard it all too. I think there are 2 reasons why people react harshly to people who don't want children:
1 - because if they know you and love you, they want you to experience the amazing thing it is to have children of your own
2 - because if they have children of their own (or want to, or are trying to, etc), then you saying you don't want any, is almost like you are disapproving of their life choices. They take it as a judgement on them, even though it's not meant that way in the least bit, I feel that that's how they take it and that's why some people lash out.
I can understand #1, because I only have to look at the LIF moms to see the incredible joy their kids bring them. I appreciate their good intentions and I try to be patient with them, but it is very hard.
#2 is an odd one. The group that is giving us the most pressure to have kids is also the group that is the most unhappy with their own children. I don't know what to make of that.
I agree with Rebecca here. Rebecca, I think we are in the same exact boat!
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| Posted 2/21/06 2:52 PM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Posted by nrthshgrl
But now that i have them, I get why people try to convince people to have them (even though it's completely none of their business). It's because - even though I want to drop my kid off at the mommy store, it's probably the best feeling I've ever had in the world when he gives me a hug or she snuggles up with me. I dont' think people really get it until they have children. They say they do (I love my nephew so much, My dog is my baby, etc) but you really can't get it until you're there. Nothing can compare to it. People know how great it is and want their friend to feel that great too.
I do kind of understand this thinking and while I am still on the fence, I appreciate that people who know me want me to experience the kind of love they get from their children.
When talking about this once with a close friend, she asked me if I thought I might look back later on if I didn't have children and regret not having them. My answer was "I don't know. I sort of think it is like falling in love, you don't fully understand it if it has never happened to you, and you can't imagine life without it if it has.....I can't say I have missed having something if I didn't really know what that thing is"
It doesn't bother me so much when people who are really close ask, but those times, it is usually in the context of a deep conversation. It is the passing commentary and questions from people I don't really give a rat's a$$ about that bother me.
Message edited 2/21/2006 4:12:49 PM.
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| Posted 2/21/06 4:11 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Personally, I think that we have entered into a society where people casually ask the most PERSONAL questions and feel free to comment on such personal things in people's lives. When people ask when you are getting engaged, having kids, etc... its SO personal. I don't think people realize it. I actually had an acquaintance ask me if my pregnancy was planned??!!
I am pregnant and very happy- but I would never recommend my life choices for someone else (except for an education- I think everyone should have one). I think it is much better to not have kids if you don't want any than to have kids you never wanted at all because society dictates you should.
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| Posted 2/21/06 4:16 PM |
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Cookiegirl
LIF Infant
Member since 1/06 81 total posts
Name:
Suzie
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
DH and I had to deal with this for 4 years. We were not ready to have children and I still worry if we still are. At every family function we attended, we were asked this question.
One time my great Aunt was getting a "little" too close and not letting up on the issue. I got a bit annoyed and told her to go sleep with her husband and get pregnant herself if she wanted another baby to hold. Not nice I know, but it had really gotten the best of me
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| Posted 2/21/06 4:19 PM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Posted by Shellyesq
Personally, I think that we have entered into a society where people casually ask the most PERSONAL questions and feel free to comment on such personal things in people's lives. When people ask when you are getting engaged, having kids, etc... its SO personal. I don't think people realize it. I actually had an acquaintance ask me if my pregnancy was planned??!!
Exactly. I sometimes think people think I am a freak because I am pretty private and don't tell all the details of my life. I just think there are some things that are meant to be shared and some that aren't, and everyone's comfort level with how much personal info they share is different.
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| Posted 2/21/06 4:23 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
I had to warn my DH that if his mother asked one more time, I was going to tell her that I'd let her know when we decided to stop having recreational sex.
I remember my friend (she had 5 years of inferility, 2 m/cs) saying, "They always want to everyone to rush to the next step ...should I ask them when their kids are going to put them in a nursing home? or aren't you going to die soon?"
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| Posted 2/21/06 4:27 PM |
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MrsPorkChop
Twinning!!
Member since 5/05 9941 total posts
Name:
Missy
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
i am not ready at this point
i have alot of living to do and it honestly wouldnt be right if i had a baby right now
i know eventually i will want one- but at this moment- and hopefully for a few more years- i really want to enjoy my life as a young couple - be able to move around as i please and go out when i want...and spend my money where i want to
it may sound selfish but im just not ready
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| Posted 2/21/06 4:41 PM |
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ExpectingJoy
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/05 751 total posts
Name:
Cari
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
My next door neighbors are in their late 40's, early 50's. They have no children and have to be one of the happiest couples I have ever met in my life. Because they have no children, they have retired, sit with a glass of wine every night on their deck looking out at the stars, are very active in everything in the community and take walks on sundays down our block holding hands. They have been married since forever.
I love my child VERY VERY much and worship her to the ends of the earth but there is a part of me that does get a little jealous when I see how relaxed they are and how focused they are on each other with no children.... I totally understand and respect it..
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| Posted 2/21/06 5:09 PM |
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Shanti
True love
Member since 6/05 12653 total posts
Name:
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Re: Those who are not sure if you want children...
Thank you to everyone who posted for your support and understanding. I have to say that it makes me feel a lot better to know that we are not alone and that many of us are dealing with the same issue. I respect other people's choice to have children, they should respect that we are waiting and may or may not have them. As long as no one is getting hurt, live and let live!
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| Posted 2/21/06 5:11 PM |
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