Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

You may recall my friend who is divorced...the one I made sure to spend her "wedding day" with. Okay, well she's dating again and met this guy on Match who she liked. They went out 4 times and me and DH were to meet him tomorrow. Well, he told her he had something health-related he needed to share. He was diagnosed with MS and gives himself a shot everyday. He's doing fine, but MS *can* be debilitating in the future....he told her that some women can deal with what that might bring and others can't. Well, she told me she feels guilty, but she can't. Now, I'm not exactly the best person to pour your heart out to about not being able to date someone who is different, since my beautiful, single sister is physically disabled.

I told her that MS doesn't have to be a death sentence and if she really likes him, she should just see what happens but she isnt willing because she says she "doesn't want to play caretaker at 40." Yes, this is her choice. But I feel saddened by it. I just said to her: Well, you're off the hook now. Don't sweat it. But it made me really sad. DH can't believe she told me that THAT'S why she won't see him anymore. He is probably the nicest man to come her way in a LONG time.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

It's a tough situation. I'm honestly not sure what I would do. Since you have a physically disabled sister, you would most likely handle the situation differently if you were in her shoes. I don't think you are wrong to feel the way you do.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

I don't think you're wrong to be disappointed in her. I think you'd be wrong if you held it against her & were no longer her friend.

Some people are stronger than others & can deal with what cards life dealt them & their loved ones. She's just not one of those people. The sad thing is that she could fall in love/marry someone and find him or herself in a similar predicament.

Message edited 8/24/2006 9:37:16 AM.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

That's so sad. I feel bad for the guy, however, this is your friends decision. Could be that deep down inside she knows she doesn't have what it takes to "support" a man with an illness. She knows deep inside that she doesn't have the strength to be the person he might need her to be. It's okay to be disappointed with your friend, but don't hold it against her. She can't handle that situation, her issue noone else. She can't see outside the box. Better to face the reality of this now, then have them marry and then divorced because she can't handle it. Hope I made sense.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

I know this may sound sh!tty of me, butI kind of have mixed feelings on this. I can kind of see her point. It's not like she's in love with this man (yet) and it's scary to look into the future and see someone you care about being so sick. Caring for someone can be physically and mentally exhausting. But then again, like you said, MS doesn't have to be a death sentence. But there's no way to know for sure how his health will develop.
This is much more personal for you than it is for me, so I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. You would hate for somone to not give your sister a shot because if her disabilities.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

He'll probably live to be 100 without any problems.

But, I can see where she's coming from.

For example, my MIL is turning 70- she doesn't drive, she barely speaks English, she's a widow, and DH is her only child.

DH told me that several women broke off relationships with him (not just because she's miserable) but because they didn't want to have to worry about being her caregiver.

For me, it also would have been a dealbreaker if my DH wasn't as amazing as he is.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

It could be her loss then...he could have been the best thing for her.

And, by the way, I'd be disappointed in her too...

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

I think it's a very personal decision, and while you may be dissapointed in her at least she has the "balls" to figure out what she wants/needs before she gets even more involved with the guy. I hate to say it, but I probably would have made the same decision if I were in her shoes

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Posted by nrthshgrl

I don't think you're wrong to be disappointed in her. I think you'd be wrong if you held it against her & were no longer her friend.

Some people are stronger than others & can deal with what cards life dealt them & their loved ones. She's just not one of those people. The sad thing is that she could fall in love/marry someone and find him or herself in a similar predicament.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

I understand where she's coming from. It's very personal choice, and some people are able to live with that possibility and others aren't. Of course it hits very close to home for you and I'm sorry I'm sure in the end it's her loss because she's missing out on a great guy

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Well, I'm extremely biased as my sister has MS.

It makes me mad even thinking about someone doing that to her.

But on the other hand, it's better to know now that this person is not going to be able to deal than to get further into the relationship and then drop him.

I would be disappointed too. More than that I would kind of be annoyed that she told you that story, knowing your background. She should have just said it wasn't working out.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

I appreciate these opinions, as in my true form...I've been going nuts thinking about it. I would never not be her bud over this...but the way she was going on about it....I wanted to yell: STOP! Hello?! Have you like, forgotten who you're talking to?!

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

I can see where she is coming from but to tell YOU thats the reason is really really shi*tY in my opinion...

i had a similar situation..
friend "a"s father died--she got a lot of $$ due to his death

Friend "b" was telling ME how lucky friend "a" was that she got to travel all over the wolrd with this money and what a "lucky life" friend "a" leads...

this infuriated me b/c i lost my dad too and im sure that friend"a" would have picked her dad over money any day!

now that was friend "b"'s opinion but do u kno i took it as an inidirect insult and b/c of that to this day I dont speak with her anymore..all b/c of that--i was truly hurt b/c if she thinks friend
a" is lucky then she must be at home thinking the same thing about me, and i have been threw tons of crap to make my life good--it wasnt handed to me on a silver platter..

i totally kno what ur going threw (sorry for including my long story)

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

It's hard because I have someone in my family with MS. He was a doctor, but at 35 had to stop practicing because he was not steady enough to perform surgery or even most exams. His wife became primary caregiver, and he could not care for their three small children because he is now in a wheelchair. They cannot make ends meet paying for a nanny to take care of the husband and children while she works. Yes, he may live a long life, but it is a long, hard road for his wife, and I don't envy her situation. He found out he had it after they had children but she said she never would have had children had she known he would not be able to physically help raise them and had she been able to see their financial hardship. He can talk to them, but not play with them, drive them anywhere, etc, and losing his income was a huge change for her after staying home with the children.

Just another side to it--with many illnesses or disabilities you know what you are in for--with MS you really have no idea how early or quickly it will progress.

Message edited 8/24/2006 9:49:14 AM.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Posted by nrthshgrl

I don't think you're wrong to be disappointed in her. I think you'd be wrong if you held it against her & were no longer her friend.

Some people are stronger than others & can deal with what cards life dealt them & their loved ones. She's just not one of those people. The sad thing is that she could fall in love/marry someone and find him or herself in a similar predicament.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Just another side to it--with many illnesses or disabilities you know what you are in for--with MS you really have no idea how early or quickly it will progress.



This is so true...My HUsband can control his illness with medication, I mean there is always a rare chance he could have a seizure at a dangerous time out of the blue....but with MS, you just don't know, you really do not know what you are signing up for. It IS a BIG decision.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

I can see why you would be disappointed but it's her life that would be affected which makes it her choice.

If at this time this is something she does not think she would be able to handle, then that's the choice she needs to make for herself. Self preservation kicked in -- why would she risk getting emotionally involved in a situation she does not want to be in?

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

she should have been sensitive to the fact that your sister is in a wheelchair. However, with that said, she probably sees past your sister's handicapp and sees her as an independant woman, and did not think you would be offended.

With that being said, considering its 4 dates, he was honest with her and she was honest with him. Obviosuly its a hard decision to make but I think its right of her not to string him along.

Maybe the chemistry was not that great as well? If it was, maybe his MS would not have affected her. Who knows.

Either way, I can undersntad your feelings on this and she should have been a little more sensitive. However, try not to judge her, because she was honest with you. Hopefully you will respect her for her honesty to him and forgive her for ending the relationship.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Posted by preshy7

she should have been sensitive to the fact that your sister is in a wheelchair. However, with that said, she probably sees past your sister's handicapp and sees her as an independant woman, and did not think you would be offended.

With that being said, considering its 4 dates, he was honest with her and she was honest with him. Obviosuly its a hard decision to make but I think its right of her not to string him along.

Maybe the chemistry was not that great as well? If it was, maybe his MS would not have affected her. Who knows.

Either way, I can undersntad your feelings on this and she should have been a little more sensitive. However, try not to judge her, because she was honest with you. Hopefully you will respect her for her honesty to him and forgive her for ending the relationship.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

Posted by LRusso

Posted by preshy7

she should have been sensitive to the fact that your sister is in a wheelchair. However, with that said, she probably sees past your sister's handicapp and sees her as an independant woman, and did not think you would be offended.

With that being said, considering its 4 dates, he was honest with her and she was honest with him. Obviosuly its a hard decision to make but I think its right of her not to string him along.

Maybe the chemistry was not that great as well? If it was, maybe his MS would not have affected her. Who knows.

Either way, I can undersntad your feelings on this and she should have been a little more sensitive. However, try not to judge her, because she was honest with you. Hopefully you will respect her for her honesty to him and forgive her for ending the relationship.

Thanks, Melissa! I'm trying hard not to....just a little correction, though. My sis isn't in a wheelchair; she walks with a cane.

Re: Okay, am I wrong? Really Disappointed With Close Friend

I am really happy my dh and i were not judgemental when we were dating. Well, he sent me to the ER twice for food poisoning...we did not break up. I was diagnosed with a not so fun disease right after we got engaged...we did not break up. He is actually more into finding out about it then i am!! He makes sure i remember to take my pills, takes me to the doctor on my not so good days...sneaks good food into North Shore whether i am in for 2 days or a week!

If someone told me on the 4th date they had issues, I might freak out. It's so early in the relationship!! I would have waited a bit longer to see if the person was "Mr./Ms Right", before saying anything.


I guess I can say...I see both sides of the issue.