Personal question...

Since things have been rough for our family, financially, things between me and my DH have not been the greatest. Meaning we're both really stressed out, never have time for each other since DH works 2 jobs, and when we do see each other it's rare that we're both in a good mood. We've been arguing a lot too. Let's just say that things in the bedroom hardly happen, being so stressed, tired and when we argue, makes it really hard to get in the mood. To top things off Wednesday is our 3 year wedding and 12 year dating anniversary, and of course it doesn't seem like we have a lot to celebrate since this past year has been really hard on both of us. The way things have been is just not us. We are sooo not used to having $ issues. We hardly ever argued. What I'm asking is how do I get the spark back into our lives even with the hardship we've been dealing with??? We love each other soooo much, it's just things have been "bad" for us for quite a while now, it's like we have to work for things to get back to normal. Has anyone been through this and can offer some support/advice? I told myself never to post personal problems here anymore since being bashed on a while ago on LI Weddings, but I just need someone to talk to. Our financial issues are slowly getting better, so now we need to concentrate on us. Thank you for those of you that can offer advice/help. For those of you that don't have any kind words please keep them to yourselves. I've been through enough already. Thanks everyone!

Re: Personal question...

wow your situation is EXACTLY like mine. Fh works 3 jobs and is stressed cranky and tired. its not that i dont appreciate all he does but frankly i get bored and lonley. Even when he is home he soooo tired. We try and do date nights even if it dose not intail leaving the house. when the kids go to bed we watch a movie and cuddle sip some wine or turn the tv off and tlak i love that!! ...i think things like that are important. i hope you guys have a great anniversary!!!! the way i look at it things can only get better right?!!!

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Well, I can kinda relate lately. DH started a new job and although he's doing very well, it's mainly commission based so it takes a little bit for the $$ to start rolling in. I am looking for a p/t job, even though DH doesn't really want me to work, I feel like it's something I have to do, for $$ reasons and for myself.

Financial problems take it's toll on all aspects of a relationship. It's very draining and depressing. For me, really the only thing that helps is knowing that we love eachother very much, we have 2 wonderful children, and we'll get through it together, and be stronger for it. Do you have a chance to have "date nights" at all? I think that is very important, and helpful. Get a little dressed up, get a sitter for a few hours, even if you cant afford a nice dinner, maybe go out for a couple of drinks, and just have adult time, the 2 of you.

Sorry you're having a hard time. It WILL get better. FM me if you want to talk

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I can SO relate!!!

When we fight ,we both get emotional and use it to our advantage....

but you should create a rule to NEVER go to bed angry. Hey....how about not letting it come into the bedroom? Keep the arguing elsewhere and leave the bedroom for relaxing and intimacy.

Mention to him your concerns and how horrible it makes you feel that you've lost that touch between the two of you. Use your anniversary to grab it back....make it as romantic as possible depending on whatever romance is to you.

Maybe it's breakfast in bed, or a nice dinner out.

Ain't nuthin like greeting him at the door in lingerie though....

Re: Personal question...

I think the two of you need some quality time alone. Maybe you can go on a date - there are plenty of things that don't cost $. I'm in Manhattan- so I know you can catch movies in the various parks around the city for free, have a picnic in the park (not too expensive) or even go on a drive to the east coast of LI and go wine tasting- it doesn't cost much - unless you buy. There is always the beach. And you can rendezvous at yoru home. Since you have kids- have them go to a friend/family's for the night, have someone clean the house (not necessarily you), take a bath together, have flowers sprinkled around the apartment, maybe rent a romantic/erotic movie- I just saw the movie Henry and June about Anais Nin (the 30's erotic poet/diaries) and her affairs with both Henry Miller and June Miller (his wife). Very erotic. Have some wine or sparkling cider. Order in a nice dinner or go to a restaurant. In Manhattan, there are so many cute, quiet restaurants that aren't expensive. Just do something that is personal to you. It's a mini vacation for a night.

Re: Personal question...

I'm sorry to hear about all the stress you're going through. We all go through it at some time or another. I know it's gotta be tough now, but I'm sure this will only make your realtionship stronger in the long run. I would just buy a nice sexy outfit, maybe make dinner at home and just take it from there. Make it a date night at home. Hope it gets better for you guys!!

Re: Personal question...

concentrate on your love for each other. Money is only what you make it. don't make it ruin your relationship.

Re: Personal question...

Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom

Financial problems take it's toll on all aspects of a relationship. It's very draining and depressing. For me, really the only thing that helps is knowing that we love eachother very much, we have 2 wonderful children, and we'll get through it together, and be stronger for it. Do you have a chance to have "date nights" at all? I think that is very important, and helpful. Get a little dressed up, get a sitter for a few hours, even if you cant afford a nice dinner, maybe go out for a couple of drinks, and just have adult time, the 2 of you.

Sorry you're having a hard time. It WILL get better. FM me if you want to talk

Re: Personal question...

I love the date night idea too- and you really can do it without spending lots of money. Try and develop a ritual. DH first moved in with me when I was in my last semester of grad school, miserable at work and we were crammed into this tiny apartment. On Thursday nights we got into the habit of ordering takeout and watching The Apprentice. Nothing fancy, but it gave me something to look forward to each week, especially since the next day was Friday!

Re: Personal question...

One thing I did for DH awhile back was to plan a little picnic in the house for him. I made his favorite chicken dish and we sat without the TV on, candles lit and had a bottle of cheap wine. He enjoyed it so much more than an expensive night out (I'm not much on fancy restaurants) and it gave us a wonderful memory in our home.

I hope you guys have a Happy Anniversary!

Re: Personal question...

I'm so sorry you are going through a stressful time right now. Make sure not to beat yourselves up about it. This is a rough spot but it sounds like overall, you are very much in love and are a very strong family. It's totally normal- you guys will come through it and be even stronger!

Re: Personal question...

It's not exactly the same thing, but Fh were going through a rut like that recently, but we just decided we had to spend more time together, we set ights where, tonight is our night together, we're not going to worry about anything else. Date night is a great idea. Sometimes FH and I are broke and date night means watching a DVD and making some microwave popcorn or some leftovers, but it's still a date night. I think once you really make it a point to set aside time to just be intimate and be yourselves, it'll work out. Try to plan somethinf\g really special for your anniversary. Get someone to take the kids for the night and have a picnic on your living room floor. Just do something different and fun. Best of luck.

Re: Personal question...

Im sorry things are going rough, maybe a nice quiet dinner just the wo of you, even at home, can someone watch baby? even if you 2 have 2 hrs to just talk with "each other" and maybe a movie? something low stress onr the both of you. I wish you luck. I hope things improve

Re: Personal question...

First off, Im sorry that people bashed you on LIW...SHAME ON THEM
Im also sorry things are not going so well. I was going to suggest a little weekedn away together, but you said that the finaces are not so good too.
Can you get someone to watch your little on, and have a nice candlelight dinner with the two of you.
Run a nice hot bath for the both of you and maybe get some nice lingerie and light candles in the bedroom.
I hope everything works out for the two of you.

Re: Personal question...

I just wanted to wish you a very HAPPY ANNIVERSARY and hope you and DH get to spend a wonderful eveing together!

Re: Personal question...

Thank you so much for your kind words and ideas. I'll keep you updated!

Re: Personal question...

I think a lot of us can relate. Marriage is so hard and adding financial troubles makes it even harder. So I definately feel for you right now. I think it will help to remember that every great relationship goes through difficult times and that it will get better. Talk to your husband about your fears without bringing up money issues if that makes sense. Otherwise it will end up in a fight about it. I have learned through years of therapy and being a therapist myself that opening up and being vunerable with the one that you love is the easiest way to increase closeness. It may make him feel more comfortable sharing how scared he is right now too. We fight with our DH's because we are afraid- of change, falling out of love, money problems, etc. So being honest about how you just want to be able to express your love the way you used to before all the problems is one way to get back to where you used to be.

I hope this makes sense- and good luck- It sounds like you have a very strong marriage and are just going through a really rough time. It will get better- just look towards your future and how these tough times will just make your marriage even stronger.

Re: Personal question...

I think the less time the tv is on during the time you spend together in your home the better! Don't get me wrong, I like my shows but the little effort to go without and really spend some time doing stuff around the house together (chores, talking, dinner, whatever) I find the better I feel about my relationship. That thing will **** the life out of you!

Re: Personal question...

Sweetie, I feel your pain!! You know I'm there for you...

Re: Personal question...

I'm so sorry to hear that, I don't have my own advice, but the having a date night sounds like a plan, so you can talk things out,
I just wanted to wish you a Happy Anniversary!!!!

Message edited 9/13/2005 9:30:25 AM.

Re: Personal question...

I can honestly say that I have been through this, and, it really DOES get better.
I remember a time in our lives where all we did is fight! Some moments I didn't even understand why we were even still together (we were not married at the time). But, we 'rode' it out, and time seems to 'resolve' a lot of issues.
One thing that helped us was to go away on a small vacation. Perhaps you can get away for a weekend - where you don't have to spend lots of $$$. We 'talked' about our feelings and confronted a lot of stuff that we have buried inside of us. It really helped! We were able to work through the issues, and honestly at this point, I feel our relationship is much stronger for it!

You will get through. Just remind each other how much you love each other and work on it. I found that a proactive approach works best, ignoring the issues only makes things worse.

Re: Personal question...

I can relate to this as well Fh and I are on opposite schedules I work from 9 to 5 I leave the house around 8am and get home around 6 FH leave the house around 7pm and gets home around 6:30am he is a bartender and I am an admin assistant. We have been argueing about $$ lately as well since we are saving up for a wedding. Also we have a 1 year old daughter. We harly spend time together since our schedules are different and he is off on friday saturday and every other sunday so we do get to spend sometime together as a family but still have arguements about money and other things. There is not alot of bedroom play either we have talked about things but it winds up into an arguement. We are trying to talk moe without argueing and to do more things as a family even if its jsut going to the park. things are starting to get better. Also we argue alot cuz he lets his family especially his mother and stepfather get involved in our lives more then they should. Also he keeps things to himself and doesn't share his feelings with me until he can'ttake it anymore and then lets it all out. He has been trying not to do that and share things with me. I do appreciate all he does and I know its hard that he works at nite and comes home and has to take care of the baby but we can't afford to put her in daycare right now wit h all the other stuff we have. Plus families don't live to close by to us to have them weatch her.

Message edited 9/20/2005 11:05:22 AM.

Re: Personal question...

I think everyone has had a situation similar to this... especially on Long Island with the prices of everything out of control...

First I want to offer you a bunch of 's!!!!

We too went through a serious bit of "trouble" like this.. that was when we decided maybe a move would be beneficial... we moved to Florida this past November... Things have changed DRASTICALLY for us since our move... everything to the positive...

Every couple is different, and I am sure that this too, shall pass... as obscene as this sounds... lol... Hang in there!!!!!

Re: Personal question...

Just simply celebrate having each other, take a look at all of what is currently going on around the world and you will realize you have a lot to be happy about and cause to celebrate.

Re: Personal question...

I guess there are more couples out there that are going through a similar situation than I thought. Myself included. My husband works until 7 every night, gets home at 7:45 and practically even speaks to me because he is so "stressed" from the day he had, or just needs his "quiet time". I'm pretty sick of it and it has gotten me quite depressed. When we do speak about these problems that I see, it turns into a huge fight and he says, "this is why we don't talk about these things". He too goes to watch t.v. after dinner for hours then goes to bed. What a great marriage, huh? I don't think that a "date night" would even work for us because we don't really speak! Sorry to ramble about me, all in all, I am so sorry you are going through hard times....