first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

Okay so I am desperate.......
I am really losing it. 2 days home and I seriously cant take my inlaws and I dont know what to do. Heres the situation....they are very overbearing, smothering etc... they are very isolataive people and have various confrontations and circumstances that stray them from their own family. My dh basically gets stuck in the middle of these existing problems but it has been going on since we wedding planned a yr ago. For some reason his mom sort of feels like she makes decisions for him. Well now hes a father and in the hospital all she did was make decisions for him. It was like her and I were making decisions when we dont even like one another. So of course after a C-section, a new baby and many hrs of labor before c-section...we now have a new baby. DH still has not gotten the strength to stick up for himself and she is putting us in awkward situations with the new baby. She pulled the baby from me in the hospital and at my moms house. She has been coming to my moms EVERY DAY since we've been home and her husband who cant control his obnoxious mouth is insulting my guests. I talk to dh and he just tells her passively to stop. Shes pushed me out of the way while trying to photograph the baby. I am sick, I am tired and drained. Does anyone have any advice for me? Ive been staying at my moms with baby and dh bc I cant walk my steps. I am about to leave with my baby and walk the steps just to lock myself in my house and get away from his lunatics. Probably sounds like alot of hormones but I really needs some good advice...thanks...

update: I forgot to mention MIL was fired about 5 months ago from a preschool has been doing odds and end jobs but never really found a job. Just when the baby arrives she mentions to everyone...good...now I can take care of the baby. No, No, No...I am on maternity leave for at least 8 weeks. She keeps telling dh..."I am trying to be helpful"....does all of the above sound helpful??? I swear I can do this alone.

Message edited 12/1/2006 12:05:25 PM.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

My MIL is very similar. When Sarah was first born I apparantly did NOTHING right. I held her wrong, fed her wrong, dressed her wrong, bathed her wrong, the list went on and on. I cried all the time and Sarah would cry b/c I was so tense. I know that it was MIL b/c when they finally left and I was able to calm down so did Sarah. Finally I told her that DH and I needed to figure things out on our own and when I felt overwhelmed I'd be sure to let her know.

Granted, she didn't listen and I ended up throwing her out of the house after 4 weeks, but there were other issues on top of her unsolicited baby advice. On the upside, now she knows I'm serious and doesn't ever tell me what I'm doing wrong. And they haven't stayed with us since.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

Easier said then done but you need to stick up for yourself and your DC. I am too havimg these problems and I have yet to stick up for myself but I know I have to.. I have all of this resentment towards them but mostly because I havent gotten all of these feelings out so when I do Im going to blow up!! Dont let it get that far you'll regret it!! Tell your Dh to grow a pair or he wont like what you are going to have to do!! Good luck!!

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

Either your DH steps in and says something nicely or it's going to get to the point that you blow up after holding all of this inside. Your are in no position to deal with this right now! To me this is DH's place and I'd make it a point to let him deal with it.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

You need to tell your MIL in whatever words necessary to stop. How dare she take your baby from you and shove you out of the way? It's not about being nice anymore, it's about being a parent and about family respecting you as the parent, whether they like it or not.
I would also have your mother say something since you are staying at her house. Maybe stay in another room and if MIL shows up unwanted/unexpectedly, have your mom say you and the baby are not up for visitors.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

I would make DH tell his mother to back off. If he refused, I would probably flip out and amke the situation must worse then it needs to be, but I am a bit over the toip at times, LOL. DH knowing that he would try to talk to them instead.

You can not go on like this, I really think DH needs to step up and say something.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

I like Rachel's advice. If your DH won't step in and handle them then your Mom should be your gatekeeper and when they come over unannounced or call to come over she can tell them you and the baby are not up to visitors. This is your special getting acquainted time with each other as a family and people should give you that time, but if they won't then it is up to you two to take it.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

definitely encourage you dh to say something before you explode on them

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

Well.....First your DH has to stand up to her, not only for himself but for you and the baby.

Because I have a feeling if he doesn't you will explode all over her (hey maybe you should just do this anyway)


I took a lot less crap after having Kerri then I did before....it was hard in the beginnning but everyone knows their boundries now and makes for a happier mommy

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

This is the time when you are in the drivers seat. I would not be so patient. You know how many times I said the words. "Um who's the Mommy here. Me that's right so what I say goes!"
The next time she goes to take the baby, Tell her out right. I'm not giving her up right now. Wait till I'm ready & I will pass her off. (Doesn't mean you are going to pass her off to her! )
As for the FIL I would ask him what amusement he gets at being rude to your guests who are nice enough to stop by & see your child!

If you sit closed mouth this will keep going on. If they don't like it they don't have to come over.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

Say something soon...now...or it will be worse. I would have a serious talk with your dh. He has a family who comes first now...so he needs to speak up to his mother when she's overstepping her boundries. If he won't do it, then you have to speak up. I wouldn't worry about hurt feelings either...you're the mother. You shouldn't be shoved or have your baby grabbed from you. So...speak now or forever hold your peace...

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

As awkward as it may be, you and your husband need to set down the rules. You are the parents and if you don't start now and tell her what you will and will not put up with, it will only get harder from here. She will take over and be large and in charge and her husband needs to be told to control his mouth. It might be easier to do this while you are still at your mom's and you have her to support you. Either way, this needs to be done. I am a grandmother and I can tell you from my perspective that this woman needs to be put in her place or she will make your life a living h*ll. I know it's hard, but, your first responsbility is now to your child and, unless, you want this woman raising her, you need to tell her to back off. I hate people like this.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

Just want to send you some hugs

I am sure your inlaws are just excited BUT there needs to be some ground rules in place. You not only have given birth, but had gone through major surgery doing so... I remember the way I felt, I did not want anyone visiting. Personally I think your DH needs to step up and say that you are tired and you're just not in the mood for visitors today (or tomorrow or the next day too)... Does she just come over to your mom's or does she call first? If she calls, I'd make sure to tell her not to come over today because you're very tired and just want to relax with the baby... I hope something works out for you!

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

i would say instead of having DH talk to her, you are going to have to do it... it stinks, i know- but you know men are way too passive and it would probably mean more if you did it yourself.
the only catch is you can't do it in a nasty way- just say you are still in a lot of pain, are still bonding w. the baby and you need your space for a little while- all the visits are exhausting..

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!!

Maybe a little of the hormones but sounds more like your IL's have issues!
I would tell your MIL to stop taking the child out of your arms, if you don't want to hold your child you'll let her know. And not to push you out of the way for photos, if she wants a picture of the baby alone she should ask.
Some people need to just be told these things, they may be very resentful at first but either they'll accept it eventually or they'll be in such shock right away they'll stop right away. Sounds like your MIL is controlling and your DH has never stood up to her. Time for him to do it. Now that he has a child you should tell him to grow a pair (lol sorry) and tell them, nicely but in a way that shows he means business, that he can make his own decisions and would appreciate it if she would stop making them for him and that while they are grandparents they are not the parents and they should defer to you about the baby, etc.

I would ask your mom to talk to FIL (if DH won't or is too scared to) about the rude remarks, if it's her house she should be able to tell him to control his rudeness while he's thre.

Once your hormones subside maybe you'll be able to tolerate them better. Good luck!!!

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

Personally, if i was in your situation, no matter how much DH is passive towards his mom, i would give him a deadline and 2 choices.

Either you speak to your mom about these issues by such and such a date, if you don't I will, and if i do it, believe me it won't be pretty and i can guarantee, if you don't stick up for your family, i will be staying by my moms and sending DH home alone.

TO me DH not sticking up for his family is A DEAL BREAKER. if you guys don't set ground rules now with your MIL forget it, you are IN FOR IT FOREVER with DC and any kids in the future.

Also, I wouldn't have your mom say a word, It might be her home, but it's not her place to get in the middle of this. This is something DH needs to grab his balls and do it, or you need to do it for him and he suffers the consequences.

I feel for you, my MIL is a piece of work herself, and has hurt me many times on purpose over the years by comments, butting in and overall rudeness. DH was like yours, and still is sometimes, very passive, almost afraid of his mom. He now knows, this happened after DD was born too, that if we are his family, his 1st family, and that if he doesn't treat us like his number one, he can back and live with his mommy. It sounds harsh, but now i don't have to say a word to DH, he jumps on his mom when she is out of line whether it be at the moment, or after when he pulls her aside.

I hope you guys work something out.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

You need to say something now!

When DD was born, my IL's came up from Florida to stay with us for 4 weeks "to help me out"
My MIL questioned my bottle sterilization, the way I bathed DD - told me how everyone she knew with a baby did things.... I finally snapped one day and said "Eveyone does things differently - and this is how I do it!!" She got upset, but she also apologized and we've had less problems since then.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

i agree with the advice given - lots of s to you!

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

If DH can't stand up. make him! You just gave birth to HIS child and he must take on his fatherly role and take on the grandmas! You are battling a MAJOR absominal surgery recovery AND the new role as a mom AND a huge imbalance of hormones! Your body has gone through a lot and DH needs to take on his share of parenthood - one important part - protecting the mother of his child!


You have a huge trump card, you can freak out on anyone and people will just think of it as hormones - so go ahead and tell her what you says go and if she doesn't like it she doesn't need to see her grandchild.


good luck!

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

You need to have a civil conversation with her before its too late. Just reading this gets my hackles up and I dont have a newborn, post partum hormones, c/s healing and the actual situation to contend with. If you DH cant do it (which it sounds like he cant), you have to do it sooner than later. Try to be calm and find some decent words to let her know it's too much. Start with that and if she doesnt get it, move onto the next move. Maybe she does think shes being helpful but you also have to set boundaries, esp now that there is a child in the picture. Good luck with it, let us know if you get some resolution. You should be allowed to focus on healing yourself and taking care of your child, that's it. What about your Mom? You said you're staying there...can your Mom have a conversation with her? Obviously it would be better for everyone (especially you) if it doesnt come to a big blowout, but you have to find a way to stop her behavior. Wow.... I cant even imagine having someone be so intrusive. And I wont even get started on the rudeness of her husband that you mentioned.

ETA: I said "before its too late" because I think anyone in your situation would eventually lose it with her, it sounds very stressful, to say the least.

Good luck

Message edited 12/1/2006 1:24:19 PM.

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

Its not fair for you to handle this on your own....your DH has to get a backbone and tell his mom to back off

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

Posted by Moehick

Its not fair for you to handle this on your own....your DH has to get a backbone and tell his mom to back off

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

She got fired from pre-school?

Re: first parenting post...I need help!!!!!! Update...I left out a huge part...

All these ladies have given you such wonderful advice, there's really nothing to add. But, this needs to be dealt with, or it can get way out of control.
You can't hold everything in, that only makes you more stressed out, and babies need a stress free mommy.