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Starting a Family?

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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A

Member since 7/05

32475 total posts

Name:
Susan

Starting a Family?

DH and I were discussing this last night. How we could possibly do this with our work schedules. I suggested that we could use day care..he is opposed to that. I don't see anything wrong with it. Plenty of people do it, the kids get to socialize and we can still keep our jobs and schedules with in reason (need some flexibility)

We also have second jobs that really help with the bills so it's hard to give up. I'm ok getting a babysitter for those times and it may not even be every weekend and only for a few hrs-but will it be like someone else is raising my kid?

Also-what will the quality of life be like for us as a couple with all of this?

Does something have to give? Am I rationalizing this too much?

I think I'm finally ready. I don't think he is or may ever be.

Message edited 4/7/2006 10:21:07 AM.

Posted 4/7/06 10:19 AM
 
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A

Member since 7/05

32475 total posts

Name:
Susan

Re: Starting a Family?

Testing..1...2...3...is this thing on?

Posted 4/7/06 10:43 AM
 

paulandles912
My children are a blessing!

Member since 5/05

2598 total posts

Name:
Leslie

Re: Starting a Family?

I don't see anything wrong with day care as we use it for our son. But I work full time and I miss Andrew terribly and cannot wait for my 1 hour a day that I get with him. He is with me 24/7 on the weekends b/c I want to make up for lost time.

I would say your second jobs would be a little unrealistic to keep and still have quality time to offer a child.

Good luck with your plans!

Posted 4/7/06 11:02 AM
 

curliegirl
He's here!!!!

Member since 3/06

10128 total posts

Name:
Gina

Re: Starting a Family?

I have the same feelings as you. DH and I barely have time to even SEE each other, let alone "make" a baby. As I posted before, we don't even have the room for a child in our house without kicking out our tenants upstairs. DH is afraid of the finances then......so he thinks we'll put the baby in our room for a year! OK, different subject.....

I have friends who just had their second baby last week, and both of them work in the city. The have their first child in daycare from 6 mos and he is the most well-rounded smart and advanced child ever!! Other friends have a son his age and they didn't put him in daycare and he's a nightmare!!!

I think if you can swing it and not go crazy, daycare (a good one of course!) is a viable option. The 2nd jobs may have to be rethunk though. What kind of time will you be spending with your baby? And won't you be working just to pay the babysitter? (for the most part)

I hope your DH rethinks his stand on daycare or a nanny....

My thought was this: when I find out I am expecting, I would like to approach the neighbor's teenage daughter and ask her if she would like to "watch" the baby while I am home, gradually letting her become comfortable, and then bamo!!!! instant babysitter. Pipe dream? Maybe....

Posted 4/7/06 11:06 AM
 

dandr10199
Grace is growing up too fast!

Member since 10/05

11561 total posts

Name:
Dina

Re: Starting a Family?

I think when you are ready you work it out. You may find that you don't need as much money as you think you do. Meaning that you can cut back on things and make it work. Chat Icon

Posted 4/7/06 11:08 AM
 

CathyB

Member since 5/05

19403 total posts

Name:

Re: Starting a Family?

For us, our priorities changed. We used to hate to hang around our house on the weekends, now we hate to not be here playing with Sarah.

I decided to give up my career to become a SAHM. DH works long hours M-F. He leaves the house at 6am and gets home at 10pm most nights. But the weekends are all about Sarah for him, and I get a little time to myself. It works well for us.

If you are concerned about money, I'd suggest looking at your monthly expenses and figuring out if there is anything you are willing to give up. It seems like you are concerned about family time, which I don't know if you can do with both of you working 2 jobs.

Good luck!

Posted 4/7/06 11:10 AM
 

Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A

Member since 7/05

32475 total posts

Name:
Susan

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by dandr10199

I think when you are ready you work it out. You may find that you don't need as much money as you think you do. Meaning that you can cut back on things and make it work. Chat Icon



I'm sure we could cut back on things..

The second jobs are more of what we love to do-the regular jobs are what we have to do...

always a dilemma...

Posted 4/7/06 11:11 AM
 

dm24angel
Happiness

Member since 5/05

34581 total posts

Name:
Donna

Re: Starting a Family?

Your right, it doesnt seem like he is ready. And you 100% need him to be if you dont want it to affect your relationship.

You are also thinking about it like everyone should, but you cant drive yourself crazy with what ifs, cause having a baby and starting a family comes with a million what ifs that are gonna change with time.

Its a leap of faith really...and you have to be willing to take that before anything else. You have to be ready to jump into a world where you wont know the outcomes of many things. Thats the scary part, but the best part as well.

Working so much may be a problem, but you wont really know until you actually have a baby there ya know?

i would talk a lot more about it with your husband before making a decision, so he understands how you feel and knows that you understand him as well. Try to tell him that there will NEVER be any easy answers to his concerns, so it doesnt make sense to keep waiting if theres no way you could answer what he thinks are issues.

the daycare thing..thats personal...
I see nothing wrong with it. I actually plan on putting my kids in some sort of daycare program whether Im a SAHM or not. I feel its important in their development of social skills and from what I have studied, it doesnt cause any harm at all.

good luck

Posted 4/7/06 11:11 AM
 

dandr10199
Grace is growing up too fast!

Member since 10/05

11561 total posts

Name:
Dina

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by Blu-ize

Posted by dandr10199

I think when you are ready you work it out. You may find that you don't need as much money as you think you do. Meaning that you can cut back on things and make it work. Chat Icon



I'm sure we could cut back on things..

The second jobs are more of what we love to do-the regular jobs are what we have to do...

always a dilemma...



You never know, you might feel totally different when the baby is here. You might just want to work a regular job and forget about the side jobs, even though you love them because you child will become THE love of your life. Chat Icon

Posted 4/7/06 11:17 AM
 

Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A

Member since 7/05

32475 total posts

Name:
Susan

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by dm24angel

Your right, it doesnt seem like he is ready. And you 100% need him to be if you dont want it to affect your relationship.

You are also thinking about it like everyone should, but you cant drive yourself crazy with what ifs, cause having a baby and starting a family comes with a million what ifs that are gonna change with time.

Its a leap of faith really...and you have to be willing to take that before anything else. You have to be ready to jump into a world where you wont know the outcomes of many things. Thats the scary part, but the best part as well.

Working so much may be a problem, but you wont really know until you actually have a baby there ya know?

i would talk a lot more about it with your husband before making a decision, so he understands how you feel and knows that you understand him as well. Try to tell him that there will NEVER be any easy answers to his concerns, so it doesnt make sense to keep waiting if theres no way you could answer what he thinks are issues.

the daycare thing..thats personal...
I see nothing wrong with it. I actually plan on putting my kids in some sort of daycare program whether Im a SAHM or not. I feel its important in their development of social skills and from what I have studied, it doesnt cause any harm at all.

good luck



thanks for that. His brother is a very successful attorney and has 2 kids and has their college funded already at the ripe age of 10.

My SIL is a SAHM for the most part although she has worked periodically. He sees that as the perfect situation. It's hard to compete with that. These kids have had better vacations than me and better educations even though they are not even in high school yet.

I am the breadwinner for the most part and he doesn't want to be a SAHD. I understand that he is traditional in that sense. I would be fine with it. I know some great folks who have that set up already and it works for them.

I think that he is unrealistic in that sense-but it just may be the brick wall he's putting up.

Posted 4/7/06 11:18 AM
 

Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A

Member since 7/05

32475 total posts

Name:
Susan

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by dandr10199

Posted by Blu-ize

Posted by dandr10199

I think when you are ready you work it out. You may find that you don't need as much money as you think you do. Meaning that you can cut back on things and make it work. Chat Icon



I'm sure we could cut back on things..

The second jobs are more of what we love to do-the regular jobs are what we have to do...

always a dilemma...



You never know, you might feel totally different when the baby is here. You might just want to work a regular job and forget about the side jobs, even though you love them because you child will become THE love of your life. Chat Icon



Could be. Chat Icon

Posted 4/7/06 11:18 AM
 

pmpkn087
Life is good...

Member since 9/05

18504 total posts

Name:
Stephanie

Re: Starting a Family?

I, unfortunately, have no way of being a SAHM. When I first got my BFP, I was so upset that I will not be there for my children like my mom was for us. But, I realized, after much advice from some of the moms here, that I will be doing something equally as important...providing for my family by working.

I always thought I would have to use day care too, but now that the time is almost here, people have really stepped up with their support. My parents are helping tremendously and one of my closest friends will also be helping.

I think that when the time comes, you will be surprised at how many great options you have. My advice is that you don't let work prevent you from starting a family!

Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 4/7/06 11:30 AM
 

Bxgell2
Perfection

Member since 5/05

16438 total posts

Name:
Beth

Re: Starting a Family?

Yup, I think you're rationalizing too much. There's *always* a reason why having a baby isn't good at the moment. If it's not one thing, it's another. Honestly, it's never really a good time. But, when it does happen, you'll figure things out, and it will all fall into place, (eventually, after a few months of crying, high strung tension, and fighting Chat Icon Chat Icon ). As long as you feel ready and you're committed to starting a family, I think that's all that matters... Chat Icon Chat Icon

Edited to say - My husband and I both work in demanding fields. I'm a litigation attorney and he manages his own business. But, we prioritize our family, and we make it work. We found an unbelievably wonderful infant care program about a mile away from our house, and I couldn't be happier with our decision Chat Icon

Message edited 4/7/2006 11:36:49 AM.

Posted 4/7/06 11:35 AM
 

nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.

Member since 7/05

57538 total posts

Name:

Re: Starting a Family?

I hadn't checked the board yet until I saw your post on NFR. I go to the Parenting Board & NFR first and I have time I come to the FHF board since it's less active.

I can say I've honestly never felt that anyone else was raising my children except for me & DH. We are the primary ones in our children's lives - the people that are consistently with them as they move up through the daycare classes.

Has my quality of life as a couple changed? Yes, it's gotten better in ways I wasn't expecting. I now adore him for things like going to my kids daycare to wear an astronaut helmet & participate in crazy hat day. I adore him when he takes the time to put pigtails in Maddie's hair. My feelings for him are on a completely different level than ever before. And there are times I hate him for things I wasn't expecting like not feeding them lunch because they didn't tell him they were hungry. So far the good has outweighed the bad.

Does something have to give? Yes, but it's not anything I've missed. I have to be more responsible now because I want them to have a better role model. I have to work harder on my marriage because I want them to have a good foundation for their own relationships. I have to learn to balance my own fun & their fun - and I try to combine the two as much as possible.

As for your second job, yes, you'll probably give it up. Not because you have to but because you want to.Chat Icon

eta. I do have to say if your husband isn't ready, you definitely need to have a sit down & discuss why. If the marriage doesn't work out, this is the person that will have 50% say in their lives. You will never feel more permantly attached to someone more than when you've had kids with them.

Good luck!

Message edited 4/7/2006 11:44:45 AM.

Posted 4/7/06 11:38 AM
 

Ambersmom
Straight up nasty

Member since 5/05

7740 total posts

Name:
Sharon

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by Blu-ize

DH and I were discussing this last night. How we could possibly do this with our work schedules. I suggested that we could use day care..he is opposed to that. I don't see anything wrong with it. Plenty of people do it, the kids get to socialize and we can still keep our jobs and schedules with in reason (need some flexibility)

We also have second jobs that really help with the bills so it's hard to give up. I'm ok getting a babysitter for those times and it may not even be every weekend and only for a few hrs-but will it be like someone else is raising my kid?

Also-what will the quality of life be like for us as a couple with all of this?

Does something have to give? Am I rationalizing this too much?

I think I'm finally ready. I don't think he is or may ever be.



You can definitely do it...it takes alot of sacrifice and fortitude but it can be done.

If you don't mind perpective from someone who is doing just that. I was working two jobs when I got pregnant. I was still working two jobs up until the day I gave birth. Now I'm working 3 (yes 3) jobs...My husband is self employed so his job has alot more flexibility in terms of watching her at night, etc.. My Mom watches her during the week. I would say this year has been the hardest on us. There is no me or us time in the equasion and I'm lucky if I see my child little more than three waking hours each day during the week. When she was an infant (and less mobile) the stress wasn't quite so bad on either of us. But now she's into everything, things are a little more challenging. My husband is resentful of the situation as a whole. He's resentful that I'm hardly ever home, he resents that he has no free time do to the things that he used to enjoy (yardwork, etc.). I know he loves Amber but it's hard on all of us, especially when she tries to test you or push her limits and all you want to do is catch your breath. There's days where I wonder why I even had a baby because I hardly get to see her and all I feel is exhausted and stressed all the time. But then I see her doing something so incredible like figuring out how to turn on her little radio or feeding her baby doll with a fake bottle and it melts away any of those doubts, guilt and insecurities I have about why I had a baby when it seems like we're surviving by a thread. I can only hope oneday she understands that it was never Mommy's intention to be so absent from her life (with all the hours I work) but that it was a necessary means to take care of her and the family. She is my heart and life without her would not be worth living. If I had to scrape $h.. off the floor to provide for her, I would do it without complaint. There is no comparison of any love you feel for anyone (including your husband) that you feel for your child.

Message edited 4/7/2006 11:41:17 AM.

Posted 4/7/06 11:40 AM
 

Rapunzel
LIF Zygote

Member since 2/06

40 total posts

Name:
J

Re: Starting a Family?

I think that you wait until you "think" you have enough money and free time to have children that you will never will...because you will never think you have enough time and money(hope that makes sense) Just go with your gut. When you feel the time is right, then it's right. You will make everything work once that baby is here, you really have no choice. Good Luck! Chat Icon

Posted 4/11/06 10:13 AM
 

hazeleyes33
LIF Adult

Member since 5/05

13060 total posts

Name:
Ginger

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by Rapunzel

I think that you wait until you "think" you have enough money and free time to have children that you will never will...because you will never think you have enough time and money(hope that makes sense) Just go with your gut. When you feel the time is right, then it's right. You will make everything work once that baby is here, you really have no choice. Good Luck! Chat Icon




I have to TOTALLY agree with you. We weren't making tons of money, as we still are not when we had both kids but everything always worked out.

Posted 4/11/06 12:42 PM
 

LuvMy2Girls
@>---------

Member since 5/05

11165 total posts

Name:
Mommy

Re: Starting a Family?

I honestly don't think you are ever ready as you wish to be to start a family. Dh and I are both planners, he more than me, DH was the one a little apprehensive about the finances/money situation with a baby.

DH developed an income/expense worksheet in Excel that every month he puts in our monthly bills, the one off bills against our income so we see exactly what we are spending at where our money goes. He did this for about 6 months before we even TTC'd. It's kind of our mantra, and it keeps us right on target with spending.

It makes it much easier to see everything in plain site right in front of you. Dh didn't think we could afford the baby until he saw in plain print how much we really were saving each month, he thought our monthly bills were alot higher than they were.

We will continue to use this worksheet i think , forever, especially after my babyChat Icon is born.

if you want it i can email it to you.

Posted 4/11/06 3:29 PM
 

Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A

Member since 7/05

32475 total posts

Name:
Susan

Re: Starting a Family?

I honestly don't think the money is the "issue". He's older now and his dad was older when he had him and I think he holds a grudge against his dad for that. He doesn't want to be an old father.

Well too late now buddy!

I guess there are a lot of issues. I wish it was just one. I always saw myself as a mother down the road.

He said that unless I can convince him otherwise-he doesn't think it's a good idea.

so for the list:

Money
Time
Age
Responsibilities (which have all of the above included)

This on top of some other things right now has really gotten me down. I'm not even 100% sure that I want this, but I guess if he did, that would make the decision a lot easier for me.

I think I'm hesitant because of him.

Posted 4/11/06 3:49 PM
 

MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3

Member since 1/06

19197 total posts

Name:
Michelle

Re: Starting a Family?

Who's to say what's older nowadays? If I remember correctly, he just turned 40 right? 40 is no where near old!!!

DH turned 40 two months before our wedding in November. I'm also "older" but we have no plans to start a family for another year. Could it be something else that is holding your DH back? The only age issue that concerns me is if it will be hard to concieve when we start trying.

Posted 4/11/06 3:55 PM
 

Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A

Member since 7/05

32475 total posts

Name:
Susan

Re: Starting a Family?

Trying to conceive is definitely on my mind, but all systems are go according to the gyn. We'll see..

Right now it's not a big concern..he's 40 and I'm 39 and I know I'm considered high risk, but I still think I have "some" time.

It's our lifestyles for the most part. I think we could deal with the finances fine-he's always been very nervous about money.

I don't think 40 is old at all considering I'm approaching it. He resents his dad regardless and those type of feelings won't help him in wanting a family.

Hey his parents are a PIA but they are good people. They did their best. His mom had 3 misscarriages before having him. His brother is 13 years older.

Posted 4/11/06 4:31 PM
 

dm24angel
Happiness

Member since 5/05

34581 total posts

Name:
Donna

Re: Starting a Family?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news or a downer...but Im gonna say it...If you are 39 now, this decision does need to be made soon.

Your chances of conceiving is going to start going down a LOT and I would hate to see you and DH do all this thinking about "what if" and then realize you waited too long.

Posted 4/11/06 4:45 PM
 

Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A

Member since 7/05

32475 total posts

Name:
Susan

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by dm24angel

I hate to be the bearer of bad news or a downer...but Im gonna say it...If you are 39 now, this decision does need to be made soon.

Your chances of conceiving is going to start going down a LOT and I would hate to see you and DH do all this thinking about "what if" and then realize you waited too long.




that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I know it has to be soon and I'm certainly not wanting to wait until we have problems.

Posted 4/11/06 4:55 PM
 

Redhead
You Live, You Learn

Member since 5/05

31871 total posts

Name:
Jennifer

Re: Starting a Family?

Posted by Blu-ize

DH and I were discussing this last night. How we could possibly do this with our work schedules. I suggested that we could use day care..he is opposed to that. I don't see anything wrong with it. Plenty of people do it, the kids get to socialize and we can still keep our jobs and schedules with in reason (need some flexibility)

We also have second jobs that really help with the bills so it's hard to give up. I'm ok getting a babysitter for those times and it may not even be every weekend and only for a few hrs-but will it be like someone else is raising my kid?

Also-what will the quality of life be like for us as a couple with all of this?

Does something have to give? Am I rationalizing this too much?

I think I'm finally ready. I don't think he is or may ever be.


MY honest opinion

IMO in the situation that you describe above....SOMETHING has to give...

I just think that two parents with full time jobs, PLUS second jobs....is too much..

We are both going to have to work full time which is going to require our child to have to go to daycare for a couple of days a week

I am ok with the fact that my child has to go to one...

BUT i think BOTH of you having second jobs...

well ....that isn't something i would do..
And i have to say i think i agree that something as GOT to give in that scenario..

Posted 4/11/06 7:17 PM
 

LadyPrincess
Live Life with No Regrets

Member since 5/05

2298 total posts

Name:
Chris

Re: Starting a Family?

this thread was very helpful
Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 5/3/06 10:53 PM
 
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