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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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What do I do? Need advice.
My firm was acquired this week by a much bigger firm. Personnel came today to give us an orientation and during it they discussed the "firm retreat" to Jamaica every January. Great, right? Not quite. They pay for employees and their spouses, but when I asked if it was ok to bring my young baby, on my expense, and arrange for babysitting, the guy looked at me and said, "no, people don't bring their children, that's why we give you plenty of time to arrange for babysitting at home."
Problem is, we don't have any, and I mean ANY family that can watch Alex for 4 days while we go to Jamaica. DH's family is in Israel and my parents are separated and too old to watch a baby for four days. Normally I'd just say fine, I'll stay at home then but because the merger just took place I have to socialize and make a good impression.
So I told hubby and suggested that maybe he stay at home with Alex. He's FURIOUS with me. Just furious. He doesn't understand why we couldn't bring Alex and just arrange for babysitting for her. I told him what the director told me and he says that doesn't mean it's a firm "policy" and he wants me to go back to personnel and ask again, but I feel so uncomfortable doing that because really, I've only been on this job for 4 days now and I don't want to be designated the trouble-maker this early on.
What in the world should I do??? Leave Alex with DH? Tell them I can't come and stay home? Bring Alex anyway and bring a babysitter?
Message edited 7/13/2006 8:19:40 PM.
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Posted 7/13/06 8:18 PM  |
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JTK
my 4 boys!
Member since 6/06 7396 total posts
Name:
Kristi
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
tough one. don't cause trouble at a new job you'll get a rep IMO. January is 6 months away maybe you can ease your way into the conversation in a few months?
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:20 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by JTK
tough one. don't cause trouble at a new job you'll get a rep IMO.
That's what I think, but hubby doesn't seem to understand that.  He's just ticked that I automatically assumed I couldn't bring Alex and assumed I would just leave him with Alex, without pushing further with personnel. I tried explaining to him that it seemed fairly straightforward by what the guy told me and that I don't feel comfortable pushing, but he's not convinced.
Message edited 7/13/2006 8:22:43 PM.
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:22 PM |
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jenny
L O V E
Member since 4/06 2784 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
I don't see why it would be a problem if you brought your baby and arranged for a sitter. It's not like they are coming into your room to check up.
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:22 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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<3 Mommy <3
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Can you make nice with someone @ Alex's daycare???
Maybe they'd be willing to watch her for you for a few days....
I would find out about bringing her.... just because "people dont bring their kids" it dosent mean they are not allowed to....
Maybe if there is a young girl at Alex's daycare or one of the workers can rec'd someone... you could bring her along- make her the nanny for the few days....(One lucky nanny  )
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:24 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by jenny
I don't see why it would be a problem if you brought your baby and arranged for a sitter. It's not like they are coming into your room to check up.
I know, but what am I supposed to do? His response indicates to me that it's just not done. So what, do I just ignore what he said and be the only one who brings a baby? I don't want to do something that will be frowned upon this early on with the job 
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:25 PM |
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randella
Love my little man
Member since 8/05 16290 total posts
Name:
Randi
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
I think the company is being unreasonable and it's discrimination. If the baby does not effect any activities that are part of the work retreat- AND you are allowed to bring your spouse--what's the big deal?
I am not a parent but I am sorry- that is just wrong. Not everyone can arrange for that kind of care for a child.
ETA-- I think you can speak to HR and see what your options are. You are not making trouble, you are trying to figure out a way to be part of an important company function.
Message edited 7/13/2006 8:27:42 PM.
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:26 PM |
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JTK
my 4 boys!
Member since 6/06 7396 total posts
Name:
Kristi
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
but she wouldn't have a good time knowing her baby is with someone that doesn't know her IMO. Maybe you can bring a nanny with you? They can stay locked in your room like prisoners on a beautiful island. LOL is your boss a child hater or something?
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:27 PM |
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sunny
Life is good!
Member since 5/05 8369 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Well, this trip is not until January, right? I would just plan it like you were leaving her and wait until you get more settled with the new firm and feel more comfortable- maybe by then you will have a better feel on how to handle it.
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:28 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by randella
I think the company is being unreasonable and it's discrimination. If the baby does not effect any activities that are part of the work retreat- AND you are allowed to bring your spouse--what's the big deal?
I am not a parent but I am sorry- that is just wrong. Not everyone can arrange for that kind of care for a child.
ETA-- I think you can speak to HR and see what your options are. You are not making trouble, you are trying to figure out a way to be part of an important company function.
I agree I think it's ridiculous, and NORMALLY under any other circumstance I would have no problem pushing back on the issue but as it is, I feel like my position is on shaky ground and I just don't want to make a "name" for myself. I don't know, maybe as time progresses a little and they send a memo, then I'll feel more comfortable speaking to someone about it
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:30 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by JTK
is your boss a child hater or something?
No, I just think it's supposed to be an "adult" function, and they fly everyone over together on the same plane, put everyone in the same resort, etc, so I guess they don't want people running around with babies and children...
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:31 PM |
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randella
Love my little man
Member since 8/05 16290 total posts
Name:
Randi
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by Bxgell2
Posted by randella
I think the company is being unreasonable and it's discrimination. If the baby does not effect any activities that are part of the work retreat- AND you are allowed to bring your spouse--what's the big deal?
I am not a parent but I am sorry- that is just wrong. Not everyone can arrange for that kind of care for a child.
ETA-- I think you can speak to HR and see what your options are. You are not making trouble, you are trying to figure out a way to be part of an important company function.
I agree I think it's ridiculous, and NORMALLY under any other circumstance I would have no problem pushing back on the issue but as it is, I feel like my position is on shaky ground and I just don't want to make a "name" for myself. I don't know, maybe as time progresses a little and they send a memo, then I'll feel more comfortable
speaking to someone about it
Is there someone who was part of your original company that you can at least speak to to get their opinion? Someone senior who can give you some advice?
I mean-- the sitch totally s*cks but, you unfortunately need to speak up. It's all about how you approach it. I think you just need to always present yourself and ethusiastic about the retreat and that you are doing all in your power to be able to attend.
I really cannot believe in this day and age this is happening-- so freakin disrespectful of working moms and young families in general.
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:35 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by randella
Is there someone who was part of your original company that you can at least speak to to get their opinion? Someone senior who can give you some advice?
I mean-- the sitch totally s*cks but, you unfortunately need to speak up. It's all about how you approach it. I think you just need to always present yourself and ethusiastic about the retreat and that you are doing all in your power to be able to attend.
I really cannot believe in this day and age this is happening-- so freakin disrespectful of working moms and young families in general.
Unfortunately, not really. That's the problem with working for a small firm - all the senior attorneys are older men so they have no idea where I'm coming from. I know you're right, I'll have to talk to someone at the new firm about it, but my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. This s*cks, it really does...
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:41 PM |
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Calla
My girls
Member since 7/05 4303 total posts
Name:
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
I have a slightly different reaction. Personally, I think your husband is being a bit difficult. Although I do understand his disappointment and frustration, this is a work event not a family event. A spouse is very different from a child. I think he is just feeling left out of the fun. As a lawyer's spouse myself I can relate. I've had to decline many fun invitations to take care of the baby. Its a bummer, but its fair. The truth is that the baby would be a distraction.
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:47 PM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
I put this on your NFR post -
From the company's standpoint, I can kinda see why they don't want children there - it would totally distract your reason for being there. I know anytime I went away on business, I was pretty much "on" 24/7 - it would never occur to me to bring a child. But they used the word "retreat" and not meeting or anything like that.
Did they discuss what type of activities are taking place?? It is strange to me that they are okay with spouses but not children.
Is the new company not family-friendly?? Are most of the people single??
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:53 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
It's not discrimination - it's business. If this were me, I would go along with the idea of the January trip & see if I could arrange for care. You never know what will come up in six months.
I would not ask the firm again about taking children since they were about it. If you do, you're going to be mommy tracked (not sure if you care about that or not). I wouldn't ask my DH to stay home either. Part of business is having that spouse along with other spouses.
It's four days - and while you can't imagine it leaving her now -- it could do wonders for you to get that break. Get involved with the moms at your daycare, the daycare teachers and see if there is anyway to work this out.
My mom has watched four kids for a week for my friend. There are people out there that will do it. You just need to find them.
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:58 PM |
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Melbernai
I am a lucky Momma!
Member since 7/05 15652 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
I would bring my own nanny and just make sure that thier paths don't really cross all that much. It is ridiculous for them to say that you can't bring a child -- it's not like it would be a 9 year old that can tear the place up -- or would require more space in the hotel room or anything, sicne they're covering expenses. I say you should bring the nanny and go as a family!
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| Posted 7/13/06 8:58 PM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by Melbernai
I would bring my own nanny and just make sure that thier paths don't really cross all that much. It is ridiculous for them to say that you can't bring a child -- it's not like it would be a 9 year old that can tear the place up -- or would require more space in the hotel room or anything, sicne they're covering expenses. I say you should bring the nanny and go as a family!
The problem with that is everyone is going to be on the same plane. I know with my business trips, you pretty much spend every waking hour with co-workers - it would be hard to avoid paths crossing, IMO.
Message edited 7/13/2006 9:01:19 PM.
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| Posted 7/13/06 9:00 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by Karen
Posted by Melbernai
I would bring my own nanny and just make sure that thier paths don't really cross all that much. It is ridiculous for them to say that you can't bring a child -- it's not like it would be a 9 year old that can tear the place up -- or would require more space in the hotel room or anything, sicne they're covering expenses. I say you should bring the nanny and go as a family!
The problem with that is everyone is going to be on the same plane. I know with my business trips, you pretty much spend every waking hour with co-workers - it would be hard to avoid paths crossing, IMO.
EXACTLY. And the resort is an all inclusive on Jamaica that's pretty isolated on the island so everyone will be in the same place. I just know that when I step onto the plane with Alex and a nanny all the other attorneys are going to look at me and take mental note if I'm the only one. I agree with Barbara to a degree - this is business and if I push back on this at all I'm going to be seen in a different light which could really hurt my career this early on at the firm. One wrong move this early on and I could permanently damage my reputation. Problem is, though, we really don't have anyone we would trust leaving her with for that long - her babysitters are all in their twenties, we don't have friends responsible enough and I'm not leaving her with someone I don't really know, so my only option is to leave her with hubby. I don't think it would be a problem with the firm because he said only about 50% of the people actually bring their spouses. The problem is with HUBBY. He's not keen on this alternative at all...
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| Posted 7/13/06 9:04 PM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
honestly, I worked for one of the large CPA firms for over a decade - bringing a child to a firm function would have been career suicide. And what if something happened and you were late to a meeting - everyone would automatically assume it was the baby's "fault", know what I mean??
I would tell hubby he has to stay with the baby if you cannot find an alternate situation. Better for him to miss the trip than you do permanent damage to your career (esp if only 50% of spouses attend to begin with).
I know it totally ***** - family issues are one of the BIG reasons why I got out of that industry and went into teaching.
Again, you have 6 months for something to change, so keep the faith!!
Message edited 7/13/2006 9:10:52 PM.
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| Posted 7/13/06 9:09 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by Bxgell2
Problem is, though, we really don't have anyone we would trust leaving her with for that long - her babysitters are all in their twenties, we don't have friends responsible enough and I'm not leaving her with someone I don't really know, so my only option is to leave her with hubby. I don't think it would be a problem with the firm because he said only about 50% of the people actually bring their spouses. The problem is with HUBBY. He's not keen on this alternative at all...
Do you need to borrow my mom too? I could see why he wouldn't be crazy about you going without him. While it's a business trip, it's not REALLY a business trip. It's socializing & bonding. Tough call.
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| Posted 7/13/06 9:11 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by Karen
honestly, I worked for one of the large CPA firms for over a decade - bringing a child to a firm function would have been career suicide.
Ok, see, that's what I needed to hear. That's what my gut instinct is telling me but hubby disagrees. BUT, hubby owns his own business and works for a SMALL family friendly firm - we're talking about a totally different environment here and my inclination is to think that I'd be killing my career by (1) inquiring further with personnel, and (2) bringing Alex to the firm retreat. The problem is, how do I get hubby to see it this way? Yes, I have six months but I need that time to get him used to the idea because I'm almost certain we won't have anyone we'll feel comfortable leaving Alex with for 4 days, and we're not talking workdays - it's over Martin Luther King weekend so we're talking about having someone spend 24/7 with Alex for 4 days straight on a holiday weekend.
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| Posted 7/13/06 9:13 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
Posted by nrthshgrl
Do you need to borrow my mom too?
God, I wish!!  The sad part is I HAVE a mom, but I'd trust leaving Alex with her 18 year old babysitter before I'd leave her with my mom. I left Alex with my mom ONCE, and after that experience, it will never happen again
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| Posted 7/13/06 9:14 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
It's times like these I hate being a working mommy in a highly stressful career. And even more so, I hate not having family around that I can rely on It depresses me to no end... 
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| Posted 7/13/06 9:16 PM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: What do I do? Need advice.
corporate america definitely stinks at times, no doubt about it!!
Let's look at this logically. Are most of the lawyers in your firm men or women?? The 50% of spouses who go - are they the wives or the husbands???? If you spend a few hours a day in meetings, who would your hubby hang with?? we have to spin this so hubby doesn't feel like he's missing out on some great big thing!
Message edited 7/13/2006 9:17:12 PM.
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| Posted 7/13/06 9:16 PM |
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