A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

So with half the pregnancy down and half to go, DH and I secured child care today. We are pleased and very satisfied with our choice in terms of cost, convenience and safety but as I signed my name on the dotted line, I did so with a heavy heart.

I realized that in the grand scheme of preparing for Ed-lie's arrival, this is THE most important decision we will make before she is born- the day to day care of our daughter after I go back to work. It humbled me. The crib doesnt matter. The travel system doesn't matter. The color of her room doesn't matter. All of the cafepress.com onesies do not matter. This little girl, is all who matters now.

DH and I are pretty independent people. We are not the couple who are attached at the hip. He has his life, I have mine. We have ours. What we each do on our own, we bring to the table and share. If he goes away and for three days, I survive. I sleep just fine in the bed alone and I don't get scared. I like my time alone - I miss him, but I need time to myself. Maybe it is a function of being on my own for so long and marrying after turning 35. Once we moved in and got married, it was like best friends living together and its awesome. Now, Ed-lie is coming and she needs us to shift gears. The "independent" people we are now, are now responsible for a new little person. It is our obligation, our honor and our privilege.

We have moved on to the next phase of our relationship as we plan for our daughter - saying that in and of itself makes we well up with tears - "our daughter". We made this little girl together and we are already looking to protect her. We want her to be safe. We want her to be happy. I wish in my heart of hearts that I could be the one taking care of her forever and be a SAHM, but it is not within our means to do so. As happy as I was to commit to child care for her today, I shed another tear because I know that come December 1, I will have to leave her in someone else's hands. That thought, right now, I just cannot bear.

I guess I find it so amazing that with every flutter and kick I have felt so far, I become more and more enamored with this miracle growing inside of me. I truly love this child with every ounce of my heart.

Sorry to be so sappy. Im having a moment. I am sure that in a day or two after I have absorbed this all, I will be back to my wacky antics.

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

everything will be fine.... we're in a similar situation to you... both of us work, and we're accustomed to coming home rather late in the evening (frequently after 8pm), and working weekends... we will have to make many changes in our lives too

but you know what? I'm certain that in both your family and mine, these changes will happen automatically.... we'll reflexively modify our lives around our little ones... not becuase of obligation as much as desire. The day care situation is rough.... but you know what, it also gives Ed-lie the opportunity to be exposed to other kids her own age right from the start. I bet daycare kids have less trouble adjusting to social situation.... I had trouble as a kid adjusting to school becuase I was a sheltered only child....

so for every compromise, there is also a benefit... All Ed-lie really needs is love and support... and she will have an abundance

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

Yeah I know. If I am not going to be home with her, I want her in day care for socialization and also for having as many sets of eyes on her as possible.

I need to remind myself that we are not living in the generation of our parents and though we will always have what we need, just not a heck of a lot extra. Both DH and I had SAHMs.

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

it's such a hard decision. in some ways, i feel the same and know it will be very challenging for me to go back to work.

on the other hand, my mom always worked and i went to daycare. my mom is my best friend and i think she was/is a great role model for me. i admire her for working and that has helped me come to peace with my own decision to go back to work this fall.

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

I think women do not realize until they get PG how the little peanut inside them will change them forever.

So many moms are going through the daycare thing. It's hard and we all want the best for our child(ren). It gets even harder when you only have a few weeks/days before you go back.

We think our baby will not recognize us. Most of us left the daycare in tears (I held it until I left the building, then I was a total mess on my way to work). In the end, we do the best we can for them and us. They will be happy to see us. They will have friends there. We get "used" to it. Why? Because it keeps us from going crazy over things we cannot always control.

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

Leslie- You cant write things like this!!!!! Ahh.. I have a tear in my eye because come Dec. 1, we will have to do the same thing! It scares me to death. I know how you & Ed feel. Its so weird that this little person isn't even born yet & we care for it so much- its a feeling that no one could ever understand unless they are pregnant. I think the parental instinct begins at conception.

We haven't even started looking for daycare. How horrible is that? I wish my mom lived closer because in all honesty- she is the only one I can truly trust to watch my baby besides myself. As sad as it is, we are going to eventually have to let go. Being a SAHM isn't feasible for us either, although, I really wish it was. .

Listen, we got through so many obsticals in life- we can get through this. Its like the 1st day of school.... Its hard as all hell & you feel lost & alone, but eventually you will get used to it & it will become a routine.

Good luck

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

I know where you are coming from in both respects.

I was 34 when I had DD. DH and I were also very independent and I was scared of how it would change when DD came. As much as I love her, I was concerned that we may be too set in our ways and would resent DD in some way for us not being able to do whatever we want when we want. I have to say-it doesn't happen. For some reason, just looking at her makes it all worth it. Even getting up at 2 in the morning. There is never a moment of resentment. Of course, I'm not happy to get up at 2-let's be real here. BUT any feeling of "inconvenience" is immediately overcome with overwhelming love as soon as I see her. All I want to do is help her, take her pain away, ease her discomfort, help her sleep, whatever it is that she needs.

As for the daycare issue-I think the struggle you feel will ease with time, but it will never completely go away. But you have focus on the positive-all the stimulation they get, the socialization, the role model you are being for her. The fact that you have arranged the best possible care you can and remember-It's what you do with the time you have together that makes the most difference. Every mother feels guilt no matter what choices she makes. I have girlfriends who are SAHMs and they feel it too-they feel that they do not provide enough stimulation for their kid, or that their kids will be behind when they get to preschool or kindergarten because they didn't have the advantages of daily organized activities and education from the start and that they have so much on their plate, they can't provide enough attention.

As mothers, I think it is inherent to be concerned about the decisions we make and the way we raise our children. The only thing you can do is make the best decisions based on your situation and shower them with love.

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

I welcome all of the changes and I don't think I ever thought about resentment. I almost felt as if I have been grooming myself to become a mother ever since I could define family roles. I think we can all remember fighting to be the "mommy" when we all played "house" as little girls.

I am looking forward to experiencing the selflessness of parenthood and putting this angel before anything else I do for myself. I cannot wait to see DH hold her and have her fall asleep on his chest and actually, I cannot wait to see him dress her up for her first football game even though I would prefer thaat she play ice hockey (simply because I know more about it and I can skate like Gretsky). DH has made it abundantly clear that he plans on the two of them teaming up on me from time to time.

We knew upon deciding to become parents that there was going to be a major lifestyle change. As we went over our yearly, monthly and weekly spending patterns to establish a budget to accommodate the expense of child care, the reality hit us hard. Again, we will always have enough for our family, we simply will not have the lives our parents were able to give to us. It is now as future parents, that DH and I realize how fortunate we really were to have all we did as children. We were truly privileged.

Message edited 4/12/2008 9:13:49 AM.

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

Let me say that daycare has been one of the best things for Christopher since he has been there.

And also that you have time to get used to the idea. We had to deal with the situation rather quickly (within a week he went from only being home with us to being in daycare) and that made the adjustment odd.

You are going to be a wonderful mother

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

Posted by KateDevine



Let me say that daycare has been one of the best things for Christopher since he has been there.

And also that you have time to get used to the idea. We had to deal with the situation rather quickly (within a week he went from only being home with us to being in daycare) and that made the adjustment odd.

You are going to be a wonderful mother

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

I am now where you will be.

I will be leaving DS in day care starting May 5th when I go back to work. It hurts like hell, but it's the best thing for him if I can't be a SAHM.

To say that I know how you feel is an understatement.

I also know what you mean about being independent from your DH. You're right, it does come from marrying at 35 and being on your own for so long (I was three months shy of that magic number), and now at almost 39 with a newborn, it is the next phase in our life together which we welcomed with open arms.

This child is a gift, moreso because of the fact that it took a little help from modern medicine to get "the party started" (again, you know I've been there too) so treasure and honor both this time, and the time you'll have one on one with her when you're home.

Somehow, someway you will have the strenghth to allow the day care center into your life. I'm in the beginning stages of that now. One of the other moms on the parenting board helped me to understand that they (our children) will always know the difference between the day care and mommy. They will light up when they see us and they will know when it's time for mommy and daddy. That's what is getting me thru this now.

I know you were having a moment this morning, and a good one at that, and also know that as I'm typing this I have my DS next too me cooing and smiling and knowing that he's with mommy right now, and it's the best feeling you will ever have.

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

You write this and you wonder why I search this board nowadays just to read your posts?????????????

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

Stop with the Baby Story Marathon's!!!
It's making you more crazy than you already are!!

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

I wanted to share this with you because I think you'll appreciate it...especially on the first day....


When we dropped my son off for his first day of daycare it was so hard....I cried, my husband cried, my son cried...heck we even made the teacher cry!

Nothing would help so they put my son in the swing to calm down. As we walked out of the room I could hear his heavy breaths trying to calm down. When we got in the car and drove out, through my tears I could see him sitting in front of the glass door swinging. My husband asked me what I thought Lucas was thinking and in a moment of who-knows-what I turned to him and said (very seriously).....car, car, car.

I kid you not...that was my response...I knew then that no matter how hard it was that we would be okay. 7 months later we are all okay...better than okay and the best part is that time of day as I walk into the room and he looks up at me and screams in delight. He has a great time in daycare playing and I feel that he has accomplished so much more that I could have provided for him (personal weakness - not that I think that all mom's can't provide it...just me) and at the end of the day I am still his favorite person in this whole wide world..couldn't ask for more.


Hang in there...and if possible on the first day...take a minute to think...car, car, car.

Message edited 4/12/2008 3:09:05 PM.

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

I finally had the time to read this and....



I totally know what you are saying on all points and it sounds like you know in your heart you made a good decision for her and she is so lucky to have you as a mom.

Re: A major parenting decision forces introspection.(LONG)

Posted by DancinBarefoot

You write this and you wonder why I search this board nowadays just to read your posts?????????????

Posted by MrsFlatbread

Stop with the Baby Story Marathon's!!!
It's making you more crazy than you already are!!