A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

Hi. I'm Erin and I just found out I'll be likely miscarrying. Sounds like an AA intro. Went to the doctor for my 8 week visit only to find that the baby didn't form properly. I'll be having a repeat blood test tomorrow and a repeat sono next week to confirm. Then it's probably a D&C.

I am very sad and disappointed and even though I know people who have miscarried, I feel so alone in all of this. I've woken up in the middle of the night for the past two nights with tears streaming down my face--something I can't allow myself to do during the day since I have two little girls. I usually have a good way of putting things in perspective, and I am hoping once the procedure is over I can move on completely. However, the few people I've shared the news with try to make me feel good and I know they're doing their best, but here are the comments I've received...

"Well, it wasn't really a baby."
"At least you weren't like 6 mos."
"It could have been worse; I was 4 mos. and had felt the baby"
"At least you have two girls."

I'm left saying, "Yeah, you're right..." See, I KNOW all these things and know in the grand scheme of things it could be worse. I've been very fortunate in my life. But these comments drive me insane and now I feel selfish and babyish and like I should "get over it" (not that anyone's said that.).

Have you gotten responses like this and do you handle them?

I'm sorry this was pretty long; I just felt it might be therapeutic to write some of it out...

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

I got a lot of similar comments when I miscarried - most notably, well, at least you KNOW you can get pregnant (I miscarried before I conceived Alex). Going through secondary infertility I've also had some harsh comments, like, well, just be happy you have one.

It hurts... deeply. Depending on who it is, I'll tell them that it doesn't really make me feel better, or I'll just keep my mouth shut and quietly grieve to myself. I found that the most important thing for me was to reach out to the people who had gone through something similar, or who were understanding and supportive.

A miscarriage touches on an unspoken emotional level that really not many can understand until they've been through it themselves. The pain is distinct and palpable, whether it was a chemical, early miscarriage, or later in the pregnancy. You don't have to get over it - anyone who has been in your shoes knows how difficult it is, and knows that you have every right to grieve, cry and sob.

Take the time you need to feel the emotions, grieve, and seek the comfort and support you need right now from your friends and family. It hurts, I know, but I can tell you that slowly you'll start to feel a little better

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

Posted by Bxgell2

A miscarriage touches on an unspoken emotional level that really not many can understand until they've been through it themselves. The pain is distinct and palpable, whether it was a chemical, early miscarriage, or later in the pregnancy. You don't have to get over it - anyone who has been in your shoes knows how difficult it is, and knows that you have every right to grieve, cry and sob.

Take the time you need to feel the emotions, grieve, and seek the comfort and support you need right now from your friends and family. It hurts, I know, but I can tell you that slowly you'll start to feel a little better

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

Posted by Bxgell2
It hurts... deeply. Depending on who it is, I'll tell them that it doesn't really make me feel better, or I'll just keep my mouth shut and quietly grieve to myself. I found that the most important thing for me was to reach out to the people who had gone through something similar, or who were understanding and supportive.

A miscarriage touches on an unspoken emotional level that really not many can understand until they've been through it themselves. The pain is distinct and palpable, whether it was a chemical, early miscarriage, or later in the pregnancy. You don't have to get over it - anyone who has been in your shoes knows how difficult it is, and knows that you have every right to grieve, cry and sob.

Take the time you need to feel the emotions, grieve, and seek the comfort and support you need right now from your friends and family. It hurts, I know, but I can tell you that slowly you'll start to feel a little better

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

Well it wasn't really a baby - that is just terrible!!!


I've gotten all of the other ones. It's just people's automatic responses. They don't realize it doesn't help at all.


I really didn't tell many people and dont talk about it much to avoid those comments. Plus, there is really NOTHING anyone can say that makes me feel better. I talk to my husband about it and that is it.



Sorry you are going thru this.

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

So sorry for your loss.

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

i agree with everyone on this subject..

its actually sad by some of the comments you get.. no matter how far along someone is..

i lost a few friends along the way that just did not want to bother with me... its so terrible and heartbreaking... people just DONT get it..

just know that you are not alone.. and even though we dont know each other IRL.. the support is always here!

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

Thank you so much. You all helped me feel a bit better...

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

some of those responses are but I think people do not mean any harm, they just don't know what to say
I am so sorry for your loss

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

People are so dumb. They really are. By the time people reach their teenage years, they have likely been through some type of crisis.....so they should know that the best thing to do is just SHUT UP AND NOT SAY ANYTHING.....JUST BE THERE. Unfortunately, not everyone has figured this out yet.

To answer your question, I don't think there is any way of dealing with it......nobody really understands this kind of a thing if they haven't had one, and even if they have, many women often forget pretty quickly and lose their empathy.

I think the only way to deal with it is to just blow off the comments, and come to this board to vent.

When I had my m/c I even had someone tell me that it was a good thing, b/c now and I will be able to travel more.
I was appalled by that statement.....just appalled. As if I'd rather take vacations then be a mother....at 35 years old.

Sorry you have to deal with this cr*p.

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

so sorry to hear you are going through this - people neevr cease to amaze me..they can be so incredibly dumb and heartless, but sometimes with innocence....there have been many times in my life where I haev felt like "no, they didn't reall just say THAT!"...I hope you find comfort and joy and (b/c I read your other post!) everything works out! lots of !

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

I'm so sorry Until you've experienced this very thing you have no idea of the pain and sadness. People just don't know what to say. When I miscarried I heard so many of the same things, it sucks! People focus on the physical piece of this, "it wasn't a baby", "now you know you can get pregnant"...but it's the emotional piece of it that needs healing. Your pregnancy was very real, your dreams of a baby were very real, the hope you had was very real!

Message edited 1/12/2009 7:12:30 PM.

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

I am so sorry you are joining this board

People just don't understand. Pointing out all the things that could make it worse by comparison does not make it better.

Unless they have been through it, I don't think that people really understand that.

I try and let comments roll off me and try really really really hard to remember that they probably don't know what to say and that there intentions are probably good. When that doesn't work I burst into tears and that usually shuts them up.

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

i just came across this and people do say the cruelest things. i had my sister say that to me when i mc my first. One sister has 4 children - never had a problem concieving and never mc. she never said anything and didnt call me for about a week which honestly is much better than saying something stupid - she gave me time to grieve.

My other sister has 1 child was on clomid twice and concieved. she hurt me terribly. Told me i didnt even have a baby and other people have it worse etc... I know she wasnt TRYING to hurt me she was trying to make me feel better saying people have it worse -- uhhh NOT A WAY to approach someone who is miscarrying. We didnt talk for awhile and i expresed how i felt to her. We finally started talking again and of course my luck would have it i get preg and mc again. She never said antyhing except im sorry which honestly id rather hear that or nothing at all than trying to make me see other people have it worse..
People who go thru it simply cannot understand. Other people who mc later on in their pregnancies and say that have to relieze a loss is a loss emotionally and physically.

I am very sorry for your loss

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

Thank you so much everyone! It's nice to know there's a place to come where people understand.

I forgot the best comment though, said to me the day after I found out..."Maybe God wants you to have a son." Because I have two girls, you know, and I guess that's just not acceptable.

ETA...and ummm...maybe that was my son!

Message edited 1/17/2009 8:19:57 PM.

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

Posted by Eireann

Thank you so much everyone! It's nice to know there's a place to come where people understand.

I forgot the best comment though, said to me the day after I found out..."Maybe God wants you to have a son." Because I have two girls, you know, and I guess that's just not acceptable.

ETA...and ummm...maybe that was my son!

Re: A sad introduction and a question that's probably been covered re: people's reactions

I am sorry for your loss

I shutter when I think of some of the very stupid things people have said to me. Honestly, sometimes I cry, sometimes I say something back not so nice! I dont have the answer...people say try to ignore it, they are just trying to be nice. Really though, to me its ignorance. Just say I am sorry or dont say anything!!!

Hope things get a little better for you...