All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Did anyone read the NY Magazine article on Parenting?

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

While I could relate to how hard it is during the newborn stage, the toddler tantrums & the homework battles, I can't help but wonder what everyone thought they were going to get. Do people really think Parenting is going to be like a Dove commerical?
I mean parenting is hard...really hard, but hate parenting? Even when I'm aggravated, I still see the humor in it.
I lived for 33 years & I still think the best part of my life happened when I had my kids. It's not that I didn't enjoy my life before or that I don't need a break every once in awhile but...well I don't get it.

Am I the only one?

Re: All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting

I didn't get to read all of it, just the first page. I would never look at parenting as so negative. I didn't however even come close to expecting all of the challenges that parenting as brought me in the 4 years I have been one. I would never have been able to go on with life without a child though. I would wither without my tough, strong willed, ever challenging daughter. I am not even sure that I can go on without another child. There are times that I long for the days of a clean house, taking less than 2 hours to complete a 1/2 hour task, and the freedom to come and go as I please. But with all that said, I would never say that parenting has made me depressed. And altough it has made life more challenging, it has also made my life complete and put more smiles on my face than I could have ever dreamed of.

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I read this and thought it was very thought provoking. I actually thought it was spot on. I think people lie and sugarcoat their struggles for fear of judgement very often.

The big difference, and the article pointed this out, is the definition of "parenting" not having anything to do with loving your children.

Parenting sucks most of the time. Driving to playdates, soccer /baseball practice, giving bathes, doing homework, temper tantrums, sleep deprivation, less "me" time, distance with spouse, teaching manners, etc etc etc etc....Is hard work and really for the most part not enjoyable.

The good times, the experiences, the moments , the love...that is unmeasurable and makes you not wanna change a thing... but if parents were honest they woudl agree as the article shows in many many studies cited that the actual act of parenting makes many people unhappy.

I do not enjoy wiping my child's a$$ or discipling them, but I absolutly love the experiences I get to have as their mom, and being a mom brings me overall happiness I could nto ever have known before.

What the studies/article lacks is that while you may hate parenting, its also because there are even for us, lessons to be gained from it all. Patience, empathy,selflessness...they are not always fun to learn but they make you a better person for them.

The references to WHY are also really showing. We these days LIVE for our children. We make sure they are occupied 24/7. We create episodes that make us unhappy. Our children these days are so overstimulated and over scheduled. ( taking a 3 month old to a Gymboree class is a perfect) example...and I ACTUALLY did that) .....

Its hard to sum up a lot in response, since it really commented on a lot of different things...and this topic could go off in 40 directions...but I thought it was powerful and maybe opened up the discussion on how we can make parenting more enjoyable and also remove some of the taboo regarding talking badly about it, because as the studies show..it's not a random thing.

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Re: All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting

I only read the first 4 pages and honestly I can't count the number of times I rolled my eyes, I had to stop reading because I found the article irritating.

Yes raising children is difficult, I have an 18 month old and a 14 year old SS with special needs. My SS was 8 when DH and I started dating. We have had tough moments, but that doesn't make us unhappy.

According to the article I should be more unhappy than most because I had DS late in life (I was 34) and I "know what I am missing". Honesty I find that to be such pessimistic BS, I almost want to smack a parent who says that, I mean REALLY??? Did they not expect life to change a little? I am not missing anything now that I have DS, I may have to plan my time more, but I wouldn't trade being able to run out at a moments notice for a second with my son. I spent most of the last week crying and sick with worry after my son had an anaphylactic reaction to Peanut Butter, never in my live have I been so physically sick, never had I wanted so much to trade places with another person so I could take the pain and fear away. None of that makes me unhappy, I feel I am happier because I love someone so deeply that I feel such can feel deep sadness.

I love life so much more now that I have a child and I can see the world again through his eyes. I cannot describe the joy I feel when I see his face, even when he is being a PIA toddler. I love to see how his mind works and how he brings DH and me even closer together.

With my DSS we have had battles that last hours, they are tough moments, but again I wouldn't take them away! He has such a tough time, he has so many struggles and however we try to help him he fights us because he is 14. I will be honest his difficulties are a great source of stress for us, but that doesn't' make us unhappy; it makes us tired sometimes, stressed, but we want to help him succeed. We struggle to find ways to help him. Even with his struggles the joy that he brings is so much greater! We are never happy to see him go to his Mom's, we love him and miss him.

The article makes me feel as if people confuse life with Hollywood. No one is happy 100% of the time, you can't be. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, you have to know failure to know success. You can be happy in failure if you know that it is not finite, everything is life is a chance to learn. Life is not static.

This reminds me of one of my sisters, she has never been lucky in love, she says that she has never found anyone who she is truly happy with, the kind of happiness she sees in my parents marriage (who have 7 kids by the way). My mother and I were talking about this and she said that my sister thinks that marriage is roses and butterflies all of the time, but it takes work. You have to work to be happy, it doesn't happen on its own, I think the same can be said for children. If you expect them to provide you with happiness it probably isn't going to happen. If you work on your relationship with them, cultivate life and enjoy the moments you will be happy.

ETA: DISCLAIMER: I don't really want to smack anyone. It was an emotional response to something which irritated me.

Message edited 7/19/2010 2:09:01 PM.

Re: All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting

I saw it as more funny. I think people ingeneral are too uptight, and so they freak out when people say things like this.

I laugh about a lot of the hard parts of parenting, I self depricate myself as a mother etc, because why take it so seriously. we all do the best we can.

Maybe I didnt read deep enough into it.

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Re: All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting

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Re: All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Wow. I'm not sure what to say about this article.
I think it's all about perspective. My perspective is that there's not one person I would lay down my life for except for my child. To me, that says it all about being a parent.

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I read this last week and wasn't sure what to think about the article.

I agree with some of Donna's points, but also with Barab in what do people really expect when they become parents.

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There are probably days that I *may* agree with you Donna on some points....but that's only because to be happy all the time means you are on some serious happy pills or you are lying. To me, parenting does not suck. I don't even mind wiping her little azz.

I tend to be brutally honest when it comes to telling people about parenting and other related topics and I have been known to say that having my daughter didn't make kids LESS annoying. MAN, can kids be annoying. But so can DH, and my Dad, and the LIRR when it's running late. Lots of things annoy me Like Barb said, you have to know what you are signing up for. It can't be moonbeams and sunshine all the time...I never expected it to be.

This article was thought provoking to me because it highlighted all the things I knew. The fact that we overschedule our children, that we put too much pressure on ourselves, and that our country as a whole isn't super supportive of parents.

For me, I love being a parent. I love it in a way that I was once tortured by my parents and now I get to return the favor--"Why Mommy?" "Because I said so". I love it in the way that Bella was being so defiant one night that I spanked her coolie and she laughed. I spanked it again a little harder and she laughed HARDER...I love it because she looks like me, acts like me, and there is unconditional love in those eyes that look back at me. I take myself less seriously now. I laugh more...

But for me, I love my daughter....I do not LIVE for her. I live for me. I go out, DH goes out, and we all do things as a family. There are nights I don't read her a book before bed because I am too exhausted and I don't feel bad about it. There are nights we order a pizza because we don't feel like cooking.

I signed her up for soccer and I am excited to coach her...I will look forward to Saturdays. I will do dance because she asked...but that's it, she will have to choose when she gets older.

I made a decision when I decided to have a child that I would not be like my SIL. Someone who wanted children so badly and then all she did was complain about how hard it is and how bad the kids are...I wanted to enjoy my daughter...

It helps that I have a partner who is possibly the best Dad there is. It also helps that Bella is very well behaved and has a sharp wit.

I have fun...so I disagree with the article.

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You know - being a wife is tough (but I love it), having a job is hard (but really rewarding), taking care of a house is difficult (but I'm glad I have one!), maintaining/getting a healthy body isn't a walk in the park (but the end result is worth it). If I were to analyze any single part of my life, I could say that there are really good thing and really bad things about it.

Parenting has some really difficult parts to it. I don't care WHO wants to judge me for that. I can tell you that sitting up in a bathroom at 3am with a sick 5 year old - half covered in vomit, exhausted and knowing I have to be awake for work in 3 hours - SUCKS big time. I can tell you that telling a 9 year old to do the same thing 5 times before he acts gets old REAL quick. I can assure you that I shudder a bit when I think about the potential difficulties of having 2 teenage boys in my home. I can also tell you that I am relieved that I no longer have to deal with having to wake up every 3 hours to breastfeed, toilet training and the constant vigilance required to parent an inquisitive toddler.

But HATE parenting? All joy and NO FUN? That just doesn't fit me. And maybe I am alone in that - but parenting IS fun for me. I get to be a child again. I get to see all of the things I don't remember, the little joys I'd forgotten when I became an adult. I get to watch patterns form, I get to help model a new member of society. I get to be a part of it all. It's gratifying, it's rewarding, it's challenging and it's FUN.

Being a parent makes ME a better person. It makes me appreciate life in ways that I never did before. Yes - I love my children - but it's not about loving them. It's about the opportunities I've been offered as a mother.

Yeah - I don't miss sleepless nights - but I get warm recalling how Rob and I used to prop our boys on the bed and just STARE at them in wonderment. It brought us closer. I don't miss changing poopy diapers. But I still giggle when I think about how they'd squeal and run away without bottoms after I'd wiped them clean - encouraging me to chase and catch them. I am nervous about having teenagers - but I'm eager to teach my kids to drive and find out what kind of first jobs they'll have and cheer at their graduations.

IDK - maybe that's not the norm. Maybe being frazzled and depressed is. But to answer your question Barb - no, you aren't alone.