All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

WARNING: will cause tears!

All My Babies Are Gone Now

By Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist and Author

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow, but in
disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three
almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people
who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of
disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell
vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor
blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed
more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their
jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the
trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its
center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except
through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now.
Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling
rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education —
all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild
Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that
if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories. What those
books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught
me, and the well-meaning relations — what they taught me, was that
they couldn't really teach me very much at all.

Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then
becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it
is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to
positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice
and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on
his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time
my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of
research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this
ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually
you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow.
I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful
books on child development, in which he describes three different
sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a
sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there
something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong
with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically
challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he
goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling. Believe me, mistakes were
made. They have all been enshrined in the "Remember-When-Mom-Did" Hall
of Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language –mine,
not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived
late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible
summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the
classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, "What did
you get wrong?" (She insisted I include that here.) The time I ordered
food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away
without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include
that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two
seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while
doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly
clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There
is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt
in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I
wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how
they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night.

I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing:
dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little
more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and
what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought
someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now
I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they
demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books
said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was
sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up
with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more
than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books
never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts.
It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

yes in deed it did. Very well written, we can all relate on some level

Message edited 8/23/2007 11:10:28 AM.

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

Yes, very well written! A great reminder that our kids grow up too fast, not to sweat the small stuff and to just enjoy them!

Thanks for sharing!

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

This is what I'm going thru right now How did they grow up so fast

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

Posted by Phyl

This is what I'm going thru right now How did they grow up so fast

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

Posted by Phyl

This is what I'm going thru right now How did they grow up so fast

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

Posted by Mssissy

Posted by Phyl

This is what I'm going thru right now How did they grow up so fast

Me too...

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

So true. I need to learn from this.

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

I have read this before but this is my forst time as a mom. It is very touching and very true

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

This is why every minute, I always say to myself "stop. Take it in. It will be all over before I know it."

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

Good read

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

Wow, that was very well written. I really need to stop worrying about getting on to the next stage, and just enjoy the gift that I have been given!!!

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

It's so true...time goes so fast - we need to appreciate every single moment with our little ones.

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

great article. time flies by. i think i need to chilll out on the dinner, book, bath, bed thing.

we should all take time and smell the roses.

Re: All My Babies are Gone Now by Anna Quindlen

Thanks!!! I've read that before but really needed to read it this morning in these post camp, post vacation, pre school days, never mind my own pms.