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MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22136 total posts
Name:
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Am I horrible?
I'm doing this endeavor with my husband. We're buying a co-op. We are getting help from my il's through a loan. They have been so supportive through this. And they really want us to do this because it is SMART!
Anyway, almost 2 weeks into this and nobody from my family has offered. And again, I'm not greedy, I'm not EXPECTING, but I'm disappointed that I haven't even heard, "We want to help you but we just don't have the money." or even a "If you need anything, let us know!". Nothing. And I'm surprised because they are enthusiastic about this, want us to do this because they agree renting is foolish for us, and they all have had help over the years. I have loaned everyone money over the years and I'm talking hundreds of dollars at a time. And yet, I haven't asked for jack! The wedding was so anxiety ridden because it was like pulling teeth asking for help. And they just kept saying 'You have to invite so and so" and I would say "But I can't afford it" and I'd hear "But they want to go!" and in the end, I got 2,000 $ from my family for help. After the wedding and while I'm grateful, I know that everyone else got so much more! I guess they think because I've always been reliable and taken care of everything, that I must not need anything. But I do.
So here we are again and I'm frustrated because I know they have money. And they even came into money recently. And I'm not asking for anything, but how can they not realize that something, anything, will help us?
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Posted 7/27/05 5:57 PM  |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: Am I horrible?
Can you just ask them for help
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| Posted 7/27/05 6:01 PM |
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MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22136 total posts
Name:
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Re: Am I horrible?
Basically, I have, more or less. And I hear "But Dh's parents are helping you, right?"
Is it fair to DH's parents to constantly act like his parents AND mine??? Since we've been together, sometimes I feel as if they are my parents, too. Which they are, through marriage, but at the same time, they have taken me on as if I was their responsibility as well. Does that make sense? They treat me and my SIL as if we were their own. But my DH feels so unwelcome in my family. And that hurts. 
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| Posted 7/27/05 6:06 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: Am I horrible?
Posted by MissJones
Basically, I have, more or less. And I hear "But Dh's parents are helping you, right?"
Is it fair to DH's parents to constantly act like his parents AND mine??? Since we've been together, sometimes I feel as if they are my parents, too. Which they are, through marriage, but at the same time, they have taken me on as if I was their responsibility as well. Does that make sense? They treat me and my SIL as if we were their own. But my DH feels so unwelcome in my family. And that hurts.
I understand since i am in the same position but reversed. Not about money but just general support. My parents are there 100000%. My MIL.....she calls us for help, not the other way around...
If they haven't offered anything up by now then i wouldn't expect it unless you flat out tell them you need it.
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| Posted 7/27/05 6:13 PM |
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DebG
Pick a cause & stand up for it
Member since 5/05 18602 total posts
Name:
The cure IS worse!
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Re: Am I horrible?
Posted by MissJones
Is it fair to DH's parents to constantly act like his parents AND mine??? Since we've been together, sometimes I feel as if they are my parents, too. Which they are, through marriage, but at the same time, they have taken me on as if I was their responsibility as well. Does that make sense? They treat me and my SIL as if we were their own. But my DH feels so unwelcome in my family. And that hurts.
Am I reading this wrong? You're mad because, as a grown adult trying to be resposible and buy a house, your parents are not helping you pay for it? And by them not helping you pay for your house your husband feels unwelcome?
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| Posted 7/27/05 7:06 PM |
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Tany
Becoming a different woman
Member since 5/05 24460 total posts
Name:
Tania
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Re: Am I horrible?
To be honest with you, we are adults. we shouldn't expect anything from anyone unless you ask for it and they want to give it to you.
Sometimes if you want something, you have to work hard for it and earn it yourself. jmo
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| Posted 7/27/05 7:13 PM |
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MrsERod
Praying for Everyone.
Member since 5/05 26170 total posts
Name:
MrsERod™®
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Re: Am I horrible?
Posted by MissJones
I'm doing this endeavor with my husband. We're buying a co-op. We are getting help from my il's through a loan. They have been so supportive through this. And they really want us to do this because it is SMART!
sounds to me like the SMART thing to do would be to buy the co-op (with the help of your IL's if need be)...but do it WITHOUT the help from your family who you feel haven't been AS supportive. That way they'll have nothing to hold over your head when closing day arrives. AND you'll feel that much more proud that you did it WITHOUT their help!! jmo
good luck!
Message edited 7/27/2005 7:18:14 PM.
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| Posted 7/27/05 7:17 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Am I horrible?
Posted by Aliasmom
To be honest with you, we are adults. we shouldn't expect anything from anyone unless you ask for it and they want to give it to you.
Sometimes if you want something, you have to work hard for it and earn it yourself. jmo
I agree. We bought our condo with no help, and it was really hard. But I wouldn't have taken any handouts. We are in our mid/late 20s and IMO if you are old enough to get married, you're old enough to say I want to support myself without help from my parents. I know many parents here do help their kids well into their 30s and 40s, but I have a great deal of pride that what little we have, we bought ourselves.
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| Posted 7/27/05 7:21 PM |
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MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22136 total posts
Name:
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Re: Am I horrible?
Posted by DebG
Posted by MissJones
Is it fair to DH's parents to constantly act like his parents AND mine??? Since we've been together, sometimes I feel as if they are my parents, too. Which they are, through marriage, but at the same time, they have taken me on as if I was their responsibility as well. Does that make sense? They treat me and my SIL as if we were their own. But my DH feels so unwelcome in my family. And that hurts.
Am I reading this wrong? You're mad because, as a grown adult trying to be resposible and buy a house, your parents are not helping you pay for it? And by them not helping you pay for your house your husband feels unwelcome?
No. I'm not mad. I'm just perplexed. Basically, my DH feels like the biggest outsider when we go to my family's house. There is always this condescending tone and he writes it off, but I see how frustrated he gets when we leave. They always talk about him negatively when he isn't there. Basically, I don't think they like any of the spouses, in all honesty. Meanwhile his parents took to me like their own daughter immediatly.
And about money, I'm in no way expecting any money and in no way do I act as though they are obligtated to help, be it this or the wedding. But I have always been really super responsible when it comes to money. Really careful and responsible. And over the years, I have loaned EVERYONE in my family money. No questions asked. If I had it, I would lend it. And sometimes I wouldn't see the money, and we're talking $500 to one person, $200 to another and maybe $200 to someone else, for a year! And I was 20 years old and lending this out. So what is bothering me is that I've always lent and lent and helped out. And now that I could use a little helping out, there's nothing.
I wasn't one of those kids who made ridiculous demands from my family. That's the thing, I don't ask for anything. I don't want you to think that I am EXPECTING my parents to help and if they don't, I'll hate them forever. I'm not like that. I've just always done things by myself knowing I wasn't ever going to be one of those people who was just handed help. But at the same time, I just thought that after the countless times I was the donater, I thought maybe the roles would reverse one day.
ETA: I need to reiterate that I am not EXPECTING money. I'm not like that. It's just that I feel the support, and I don't mean money, but the support that his family has given outsurpasses the support mine has given. I guess they're disappointed I didn't marry that doctor they so loved
Message edited 7/28/2005 4:14:25 PM.
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| Posted 7/28/05 3:56 PM |
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karacg
Babygirl is 4!
Member since 5/05 17076 total posts
Name:
Kara®
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Re: Am I horrible?
From what you are saying about your family...in the long run, you will be glad they didn't lend you money, and they have NOTHING to hold over your head, as someone else mentioned.
I am sorry they disappoint you. But at least you do have DH's family's help.
Message edited 7/28/2005 4:14:04 PM.
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| Posted 7/28/05 4:13 PM |
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MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22136 total posts
Name:
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Re: Am I horrible?
Posted by karacg
From what you are saying about your family...in the long run, you will be glad they didn't lend you money, and they have NOTHING to hold over your head, as someone else mentioned.
I am sorry they disappoint you. But at least you do have DH's family's help.
Thank you. You're right! And I love them, no matter what, they are my family and I think they are good people. But I am seeing a different side to them since DH and I have gotten together. I never thought I would say that. But yes, you're all right, it will be better for us knowing that we can do this without them. They won't have anything over us, which is smart for us.
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| Posted 7/28/05 4:20 PM |
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