another gift amount question (poll)

Decided to do a poll for this so people can be honest... So here's the background:

Dh and I were invited to an engagement party at a wedding venue, and approx 200 people are going (the wedding will have approx 350-400 people). The bride is one of my closest family friends from childhood, but i'm not in the bridal party and she wasn't in mine. We still hangout like once/week, i'll be going to her bachelorette, etc.

When I got married, her parents and sister came and gave us $400 for the family. I didn't have an engagement party. This was 6 years ago.

She made mention that the engagement party is thrown by her parents and in-laws, and any money they "make" will go toward their wedding. She basically alluded that she hopes to get at least $150 from each couple which made me feel terrible because I usually give like $100 and a token gift, but this party is bigger than I've ever been. The party will have a DJ, photographer, a full cocktail hour, etc. So basically it's another wedding lol

$350 is my usual amount for weddings, but I can't imagine gifting that plus engagement party $$, when in reality her and her family gave us $400 for 4 people.

So... what would do?

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

I am not a fan of engagement parties. If you have the money to spend on such a lavish engagement party, then just get married sooner and have that be the wedding. I would never give more than $100 for an engagement party.

another gift amount question (poll)

I don’t like engagement parties and certainly don’t see the point in having one just as extravagant as a wedding.

But...... if this is a close family friend whom you see all the time are you really going to split hairs over $50? I’d just roll your eyes and give $150.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

$150 I guess because DH likes to over give.
But man do I hate engagement parties. Especially when they are like wedding part 1.
What's the point?
And as far as her saying what she "hopes " to get from each couple? Ewww. Tacky and entitled.
This is exactly why I can't stand people and will eventually become a recluse who lives in a cave.

Message edited 1/12/2020 2:08:52 PM.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

another gift amount question (poll)

I agree with LuckyStar " But...... if this is a close family friend whom you see all the time are you really going to split hairs over $50? I’d just roll your eyes and give $150."

But I wouldn't give the token gift. And I did vote for the $300 wedding gift, with $150 engagement. Let's just hope she doesn't come to you before the wedding and say she hopes to get $500 per couple!

another gift amount question (poll)

Don’t forget there will be a shower and bachelorette party.

I would do the $150, $75 per person for dinner and drinks is reasonable.
For the wedding do $300, I feel like it is now the new standard (6 years ago I felt $125 was). It’s not your responsibility to pay for anyones extravagance. She is a close friend so to me that makes a huge difference and come the wedding you can reassess the situation.

another gift amount question (poll)

the cost of someones wedding or major party is not anyone concerns nor am I there to pay for it. I would give less for the engagement party or pick something off their registry and give whatever you want for the wedding,

Message edited 1/12/2020 5:26:26 PM.

another gift amount question (poll)

Thank you everyone for your responses. I totally agree about everyone's thoughts/feelings on the extravagant party. I didn't have one because i felt rude asking for more gifts on top of a shower and the wedding. My friend is not really like this but her family definitely is- it's the norm for them. I was a little surprised when she made a comment about the money, because it's not like her. Maybe the wedding is getting to her head so i'll give her a pass... lol

To answer one of your responses above, I am def not doing the token gift- i was just saying that is my normal thing when I've gone to other 3-engagement parties (usually they are like outdoor BBQ style parties, much more casual).

I'm thinking of doing the $150 and then $300 at the wedding. Her bachelorette is a 4 day trip away so i have to do flights and all of that, plus her shower gift. So I feel like compared to what her and her family gave me, and accounting for the change in gift prices now, I still feel i'm being very generous!

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

I am really not a fan of couples expecting their family and friends to "fund" their wedding. It really takes away from people giving a "gift" and makes it more of an obligation. Between engagement parties, bachelorette parties, the wedding, and costs involved if you are in the wedding party, it's ridiculous to expect someone to spend $1000 because you decide to get married. OK vent over, that being said, the reality is that she isn't going to remember or care that her family gave only $400 years ago and if you give less than $150 for engagement and $350 for wedding she will probably see it as being cheap (it is NOT cheap, it is VERY generous in my opinion) so you would have to be okay with that.

ETA: I just read your second post about a 4-day bachelorette party! OMG please. Now I think $100 for engagement and $300 for wedding!

Message edited 1/12/2020 6:05:14 PM.

another gift amount question (poll)

Have gift amounts changed in 6 years? I got married 6 years ago and the vast majority of our gifts were in the $300 range. We also went to 9 other weddings in 2013 and gave at least $300 for all of them.

We have a wedding coming up in the spring and I figured we’d give $300 but perhaps I’m not accounting for inflation!

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

I think engagement parties beyond immediate families are a money grab. Just have the big wedding. I guess I would give 150, but honestly, I would want to give the 100/300.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

Sorry but this is 2 weddings. Ridiculous. Give what you can but really this is out of hand.

$150 is fine considering you are getting dinner and drinks, you would spend that if you just went out for the night.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

another gift amount question (poll)

My vote is a combo of the first two options. I would do $150 for the engagement party and $350 for the wedding.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

I dislike engagement parties.
An engagement should be a small celebration with immediate family, not a big lavish affair.
"Making money" should not be an excuse to hold such a party.

That said, this is a close friend of yours, so I would go the $150 route, or $100 and a very nice picture frame.

Don't forget, you will also have to get a bridal shower gift down the road.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

she would be highly disappointed by the people i invited to SO's birthday party lol.

i had a lot of guest not even give an empty greeting card with kind words in it. lol

with all that you've shared about your relationship with her. i agree with those who say that you should just suck up the $50 and then give $50 less at the wedding. you will be attending other functions for this wedding... bridal shower, etc.

eta: when giving the extra $50, don't give the token gift.

Message edited 1/13/2020 10:51:06 AM.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

Sorry, you're not there to fund her wedding. She should only throw a wedding that she can afford and if she can't afford a big, lavish one, that's not your problem.

Engagement parties I typically give a gift off the registry. I would do the same in the $125-150 range if 2 people are attending. That's generous.

another gift amount question (poll)

I think engagement parties are ridiculous. If they need the money to fund their wedding - why not just ask for the money being spent on the lavish engagement party.

I personally don't give cash for engagement parties. Most people I know don't even have them.

I would give a sentimental type gift for that, then the normal wedding gift.

When you take into account the shower, bachelorette party, etc, its ridiculous to expect guests to give you more money.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

First, I think engagement parties are obnoxious. What is the point of them, ESPECIALLY when it'll be a like a full wedding. Plus then you have to attend a shower, a bachelorette party plus the wedding. It is too much IMO.

That being said, on the occasion I have gone to an engagement party I do NOT give cash. EVER. I give a small token gift no more than $50. For the shower, I will buy something nice from the registry and then I reserve cash gifts for the wedding only.

I think it's tacky to expect cash and gifts nonstop from the time you get engaged until the time you get married. I also don't understand a 200 person mini wedding like engagement party.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

I feel like when you get the ring on your finger you should just send out invoices to your friends and family.

With a pre-addressed envelope and a slip you fill out to write in what you are giving. If you are cool, you can accept credit cards or even pay pal and venmo.
Maybe I can set up auto pay so I can help cover the engagement party, shower, bachlorette, and so on.

Just like any other bill I have to pay.

Here, take my fukin' money and leave me alone.
See you at the wedding.

So obnoxious and annoying to be honest.
Money grabs.

Message edited 1/13/2020 12:05:21 PM.

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

Re: another gift amount question (poll)

The only factor DH and I base gift amounts on is how close we are with the person/couple, so we would just give what we would normally give. In this case, then, I'd do the $100 + token gift for engagement party and regular wedding gift.