Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

I don't even think 'shy' is the right word for it.. I am just so irritated right now!

Robbie had to go to school early today for whatever activity. As he was getting out of the car he said "I forgot my backpack!" I tell him I will have Noah bring it when he goes to school later. So we get home, I tell Noah he needs to bring the backpack into school. He says he doesn't want to because if he goes to the cafeteria (where the 5th graders are before school) - he will have to stay there. I tell him to hand it to the monitor who sits at the front of the building when he walks in and she will make sure it gets to Robbie. He agrees. We get to school and he says he doesn't want to bring it in because he is nervous. I can't bring it in at the moment because I drove to school in slippers and PJ's. But he jets out of the car and leaves Robbie's backpack.. so I have to go home, get changed and then go back up to the school with messy hair and no makeup to drop off the pack (and it's ANNOYING).

But this isn't the only time I've run into this with him... and I don't know WHAT causes it. Last week his recorder broke.. it genuinely wasn't his fault - he is very careful with it. I told him he needed to tell his teacher - he literally got stomach cramps just from the idea of it. He took his brother's old recorder and decided to use that instead. I told him he would still have to tell the teacher because his recorder had a belt on it - and Robbie had taken all his belts off. He literally sat on the toilet all morning in a panic about how to tell the teacher he needed a new belt!! Another time he forgot to bring his homework home with him and couldn't do it. He was in a raw PANIC about it until I went to one of his friend's houses and had them photocopy the work sheets.

It's not new behavior... he is overly conscious of what people (especially authorities) think about him and I just don't know what it is or how to address it with him.. any thoughts or advice??

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

I hope you get some advice because my oldest DD is very similar. She's 6...your son's age?

One example: My DH is the stage manager of a local community theater. My DD loves spending time there and has known most of these people her whole life. Last spring I brought the kids down to hang out during the scenery construction. She was getting bored and saw a Rubik's Cube just laying there on a chair (we were in the "audience," everyone else was on the stage or behind it, not even looking at us, although that's really not the point here). I told her to go get it and I would show her how to do it. She became absolutely mortified...it's someone else's, someone might see me, etc. etc. I told her that it was probably just laying around from the 80s and even still, if the person to whom it belongs wants to play with it, we'll glady give it back and thank them.

She absolutely refused to get it. I told her, "Katherine, I am your mother. I am telling you no one will mind, nor care. Now get the toy!" Needless to say, she didn't. She was so upset she was practically in tears with the idea of me even getting it. Meanwhile, I'm furious.

It is incredibly frustrating, but more than that, I am sad for her. I was and am a very shy person. When I think of her going through life feeling that way, it hurts. I don't know what the remedy is. My DH is very outgoing, I "appear" outgoing and her younger sister is outgoing (with a serious attitude, but nevertheless...). I just don't know...

Hope you (and I) get answers...

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

Posted by Eireann

I hope you get some advice because my oldest DD is very similar. She's 6...your son's age?

One example: My DH is the stage manager of a local community theater. My DD loves spending time there and has known most of these people her whole life. Last spring I brought the kids down to hang out during the scenery construction. She was getting bored and saw a Rubik's Cube just laying there on a chair (we were in the "audience," everyone else was on the stage or behind it, not even looking at us, although that's really not the point here). I told her to go get it and I would show her how to do it. She became absolutely mortified...it's someone else's, someone might see me, etc. etc. I told her that it was probably just laying around from the 80s and even still, if the person to whom it belongs wants to play with it, we'll glady give it back and thank them.

She absolutely refused to get it. I told her, "Katherine, I am your mother. I am telling you no one will mind, nor care. Now get the toy!" Needless to say, she didn't. She was so upset she was practically in tears with the idea of me even getting it. Meanwhile, I'm furious.

It is incredibly frustrating, but more than that, I am sad for her. I was and am a very shy person. When I think of her going through life feeling that way, it hurts. I don't know what the remedy is. My DH is very outgoing, I "appear" outgoing and her younger sister is outgoing (with a serious attitude, but nevertheless...). I just don't know...

Hope you (and I) get answers...

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

My son is the same way..but he is only 7. I am glad o hear that he is not alone

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

I was the same way growing up. I got over it. I wish I could tell you how, but I'm not sure. My mom pushed me a little but not too much.

I think it's mostly about confidence. The more "situations" they are exposed to, the easier it will get.

I feel bad because I see it a little in DS and he's only 4...

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

My 6 year old is similar- He is already stressed out about attending DD's (5 yrs old) birthday party at the end of Feb.

I feel it is starting to affect him in school. He is scared to death of being wrong - When he doesn't understand a concept in math right away, he will start to cry and ask the teacher for me. He completely shuts down and doesn't learn many of the lessons in class. I find homework taking 2 hours a night because I am trying to teach him what he should have learned in class. He gets embarrassed and upset with me if he gets an answer wrong. He tries to hurry through his homework and makes many spelling and handwriting mistakes. I am never hard on him or make him feel bad when he makes a mistake, so I have a hard time understanding where it is all coming from.
It's very frustrating, but I understand what he is going through. I was shy as a child also. My mother would get very mad at me for being so shy and say things like "Those people thought you were a b**** because you didn't talk to them" I was maybe 7 or 8 years old at the time and she was talking about other adults.
We never reprimand him for his shyness, but try to get him out of the house as much as possible to interact with people. We never force him to do anything, but encourage him to make friends at the park and set up playdates as often as we can.

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

It sounds like he has certain social anxieties. I know Emily will get that way sometimes and I have to admit that both DH and I can be that way at times. As outgoing as I can be I can also have anxiety over what people will think, etc in certain situations.

I don't have any suggestions, just wanted to send We do get that from time to time with Emily and it is hard to convince her that people aren't really all that concerned with our small actions throughout the day and probably won't even think much of what we are percieving as a big deal. Hopefully in time they will come to realize this!!

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

Haha, my DD did the SAME thing with juice boxes at a party!

I've been giving this more thought and you're right, Jeannie, it's different from shyness or whatever... I try to combat ordinary shyness by getting her involved in extra-curriculars, camp, etc. And she's great in those settings and in fact, she's a real joiner--something I never was. I always address the topic with her teachers and she thrives with her friends and no one sees any problem. But I am reminded of what her pre-k teacher told me, "Whenever the other kids don't know what they should be doing, I tell them to look at Katherine--she is ALWAYS doing exactly what she's supposed to." And that's great of course, but I know why she's like that.

And it makes me afraid for her--and I know I'm getting crazy here--in terms of child predators, KWIM?

None of this translates, however, to her cleaning her room when I tell her to or to sit in her chair like a normal human being during dinner time. Maybe I should bring in a few authority figures to straighten her out at home.

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

Your son sounds exactly like me when I was growing up. I was extremely open in social situations with people my own age, but I could barely talk to authority figures about simple, simple issues.

I don't really know *exactly* how I got over it. However, my parents would bring me with them when they would handle such issues, so I saw that it wasn't a big deal at all. As I got older, they would have me handle the issues myself.

At 25, the anxiety still creeps up once in a blue moon; however, now I can and do handle the situations because I just got used to it.

HTH at least a little!

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

I know what you're going through as my 4.5 year old is the same way. She absolutely loves her teacher; follows exactly what she says to do in class but refuses to ask to use the bathroom. She just can't bring herself to do it (not a problem this year as school is only a few hours--not sure what's going to happen in K next year, all day)

I've been trying to get her to open up more. We were in Friendly's last week & I had her order & then ask for the balloon she kept asking me for. She kept telling me to do it & i told her then she wouldn't get a balloon if She doesn't ask. Well, although she was scared, she asked (although she was being all silly when she asked).

At the supermarket she was on the other side of me & the lady didn't see her; but she had given her little brother a sticker. So she was all pouty, asking me to get her a sticker; I made her ask. For 5 minutes she was pouting, whining for me to do it & I wouldn't. As we were walking out she asked.

I just don't know though; I was the same way as a child & I want her to be confident & stand up for herself & I'm not sure how to get that to happen. Was seriously considering an acting class to at least build up her confidence.

Re: Anyone Else Have a "Shy" Child??

DS is like this as well. Often showing basic shyness, but with many of the examples given here as well. And he does not like to do anything he thinks he might get in trouble for. He refuses to walk in ahead of me to our friends homes, refusing to give high-five to adults he see's often at DH's work. Mumbling hello to our friends because I make him.

A few weeks ago I got so annoyed with him because DD (21mos) was pretty sick and it was cold out so I parked where I could watch him walk the 50ft into school and asked that he walk up by himself or with a friend and I'd stand by the car and watch and he down right refused because we didn't see any of his buddies and he was too shy to walk in alone. So I had to drag my poor DD out of the car, sick and in the cold.

I often wonder what is the best way to handle some of these situations. I am thinking about making an appointment with the counselor or social worker in his school. I don't want to force things on him, but I don't want to "baby" him and I find some of his behaviors rude and don't want to allow that either.

Anyway, I'm sorry I have no advice, but you are not alone