Arguing with DH

Do you find that having a child with SN causes a lot of tension with you and DH?

Things have been very rough lately.

This week seems harder than usual.

DS developed strep and while he is on the mend, his behavior has been rough.

We took him to the store last night and he had a total meltdown.

Tried to run away in the parking lot.

DH yelled at him and some lady looked at us like we were nuts.

Last weekend we tried to take him to one of his favorite pizzerias and he had another meltdown because the waiter handed him a knife and we had to take it away.

We had to leave the place.

We constantly feel on edge, and like we can't do "normal" things because we don't know how he is going to act.

DH and I are both exhausted and end up snapping at each other.

Re: Arguing with DH

First

I am very greatfull that for the most part, DH and I are on the same page with DS' behavior. That said, there certainly are times where we can get into it. Usually it revolves around when DS is stimming. DH will ask DS to do something and when he doesnt, he'll repeat the same request over and over and over again. Andy put on your PJs...put them on...andrew put on your pjs...dont you hear me.....put them on....can you please put them on....why arent you listening...help daddy...put on your pjs...why cant you just do it...??? Finally I tell him to SHUT UP ALREADY!!!! Clearly the poor kid CANT. Give him a second. Redirect him. Help him. But what good are you doing repeating the same thing over and over?

I find that I am much more understanding of DS' behavior and am better able to avoid tantrums and meltdowns. When I see DH doing something that could cause a tantrum I will tell him to stop doing/saying it to which I sometimes get that I am "undermining him." I tell him that I am trying to give him alternate ways to deal with the behavior but he doesnt quite see it that way.

Raising a SN child is not easy. It requires communication on both parts and one person to pick up the slack when the other is exhausted and not able.

Re: Arguing with DH

Thank you.

Re: Arguing with DH

We argue a lot about it. It's mainily me yelling at DH because he is so not in tune with our son's disability. If the teacher tells us to try something at home, he barely does it. I'm way past the denial stage (he is 4 1/2 and he was diagnoesed at 2 with PDD/NOS) and so should he. Now I just think he is lazy.

It's a battle every day and it's no wonder so many get divorced after diagnosis. He's got a lot of work to do, but he is trying.

Good luck. There are ups and downs. My ups are increasing. :)

Re: Arguing with DH

we argue, its normal, but DS is also DHs son, and i let it slide, unless of course its something i feel very strongly about.

DS is very rigid and scheduled, and by not picking fights with DH about how he does things with DS it has actually helped my DS become much more flexible.

do what works for your child.

i spend much more time with DS, esp when he was younger and getting 40 hours of home therapy, DH worked the typical city commute office job. i would explain to him and let him know what worked, but i let DH learn and try different things too.

the only thing i would really step in for is when DH would give into his meltdowns, i learned that just because he is autistic, he shouldnt be treated differently, if that makes sense.

i have sat with DS on a chair for up to 1.5 hours while he screamed and melted down. he learned he will NOT get his way by melting down.

again do what works, but i have and would again give my DH to treat our DS like he would any typical child

Arguing with DH

Crashing....

I just wanted to say that my bro and SIL have been married for 18 years and have a 17 year old SN son who has autism, asberger's, and a slight mental retardation. Their marriage has not been an easy one at times, particularly as my nephew has gotten older. He had several health issues as a baby/toddler that required multiple surgeries for his colon and intestines. So it has always seemed like there was something going on that would be an issue.

At this age now he can be hit or miss in public. He doesn't understand the notion of being told "no" and his tantrums feel more intense because he's a big guy and he grunts and screams. It can terrify anyone around him if they do not know his diagnosis. Because of this my SIL does not like going out in public much either. If they want to go out there are only a few people who can babysit since he will lose it with anyone he's not comfortable with at all. My SIL would rather just not go out while my brother gets mad and sometimes resentful because he can't just have a regular date night with his wife.

I've seen how when they are not on the same page, it can put a HUGE strain on them. It's hard when one parent feels they know what's best. It took them awhile to figure out that what works for one parent may not work for the other. There are some things that they agree on in terms of how to discipline him and other things that they know they have to step back and let the other one do it their way.

Just remember that arguments are totally normal...and with a SN child they are even more frequent. You are not alone in this and who cares if someone stares at you in public! Those people have NO IDEA what your story is and what is best for your child, only you know that. I've been with my nephew during some serious meltdowns in a store or restaurant and we all tune out the stares and open mouths. They do not know anything about our family and are only getting a few seconds or minutes glimpse into it.

Message edited 10/22/2012 9:16:49 PM.

Arguing with DH

Yes. The biggest challenge for us, I think, is that we are both so tired all the time.

It can be rough at times, but I try to remember that we are in this together and there the only other person on this planet who loves my DS the way I do and wants the things I do is my DH.

Re: Arguing with DH

Re: Arguing with DH

Thanks ladies. It's been another rough few days so this helps to hear!!

Are there any support groups or even LIF SN mom get-togethers?

Outside of family we really haven't shared what we are going through. A couple of our friends are major yentas so we feel like they would not even have any clue what we are going through.