Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

So my mom is throwing a baby shower for me, and I asked her to have it at her house...I love the house I grew up in, IMO I like baby showers at houses because they're more personal etc

My mom was happy w/the idea and so we started putting together the list of people. So my mom saw my list and asked me to cut it down a bit, and I said sure....now some of my aunt's and cousins on my DH's side who I'm not close with I wanted to cut...my DH was like, they should be on there and my MIL said they should be on there too


SO I was talking to my mom and her friends, and she said I was said....if my MIL wants certain people invited, she should throw something herself....the fact that she lives 3hrs from us and the rest of DH's family, it would make more sense...also the fact that its her son, its our first child...even if it was just the family and having dinner, whatever, it would be fine


Even when my SIL had her baby (and it was my MIL's FIRST grandkid), she NEVER planned anything, I basically had to tell them to put something together....MIL said she "didn't think about it" and so because of me kind of reminding her and mentioning it again, she pulled something together 2 weeks before she was due


basically my MIL is apathetic...really I should say pathetic ...I mean she barely (almost did not) do anything for her own daughter, and then telling me/my mom who SHOULD be at our shower?

And my DH is like, well my mom said if we have a shower there it won't be that many people there and people work etc etc and one of his own sister's work on sunday blah blah blah

I was so ******...I told him if they want to do something, they would call me and ask when a good day is...send out invites and if people care enough and can make it, they will...if I'm a priority, and they're available, they'll make it...my DH doesn't need to make excuses for his sisters, his mom etc...


I can't stand my IL's

Message edited 2/1/2009 8:39:05 PM.

Re: Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

anybody?

Re: Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

first of all i hear you on :
-having it at your moms house (i want to do the same)
-obviously you need to keep your list shorter since its at your moms house (i will do the same, i will have to cut my list as well bc i want to have a small shower)
i agree with you about your MIL having something for your IL's friends and family. Even if its something small, I've thrown a really small shower for like 12 girls, and it doesnt matter if its a small group, its still fun. Who wants to be there will be there. Plus I'm sure its going to be more convenient for everyone to have something local instead of traveling 3hrs over here.
Maybe try to talk to your DH and ask him to talk to his sister and mom and try to explain it to him that this is what you want and this is what you will feel comfortable with.
Good Luck

Re: Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

I'm still so upset....my DH barely speaks up to his mom...I told him he should tell her he's disappointed if she doesn't throw a shower or do anything....

the point is he and his family doesn't mind taking this from mine (this baby shower, our whole wedding, my bridal shower, our engagement party, even my mom having samples of formula sending them to his sister....my family always thinks of them) and it seems like they are selfish....

My DH said "my mom has been like this for 30yrs" and "I don't expect anything from her"....my point is that you don't have to expect anything from her, but you can be disappointed if she doesn't do or say or ACKNOWLEDGE anything.....I mean stick up for us and tell her what the right thing to do


I really want to call her this week and tell her what I think...how its bothering us and how this always causes us arguments...she should know..why should we all have to argue and suffer and her jjust chill over there

Re: Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

I can empathize with you so much brownie BUT seriously, it's just not WORTH it, you said it yourself --- you have enough experience with the IL's to predict this is how they would behave, so while it's definitely not right or fair it's also USELESS to try to change them or guilt them into better thinking. Your DH kind of has the right idea (as infuriating as it is to deal with, I know). If it were YOUR mom you'd have every right to be up in arms over it, but it sounds like your mom is a gem, so try to focus on that instead!!!
I'm thinking your MIL wants those relatives invited so that she's 'off the hook' for hosting anything. I wouldn't stress the guest list too much, honestly, invite the maximum # YOU AND YOUR MOM want to host, and those who want to be there will be. Also if DH's relatives also live 3 hrs away like MIL, you can pretty much bank on a low # attending; I'd be hard pressed to drive 3 hours to attend a baby shower, then drive 3 hours back afterward.

It's never easy to "expect nothing" -- its so unnatural particularly in the face of such a joyous event; but honestly, if this is his side of the family's take on your shower, consider yourself warned for how they will be after DC arrives, and tryyyyyy to lower your expectations - if they shape up you'll be pleasantly surprised, and if they don't you'll be able to let it roll off your back (hopefully).

At the end of the day your MIL isn't "getting away" with anything, she's missing out on one of life's most *PERFECT* relationships (Grandma/grandbaby), so I'd say that loss is colossal versus your "loss" (which isn't a loss at all, in practical terms).

Hope you can feel better about the whole situation soon, don't stress your little baby or yourself over this, its just not worth it.

Re: Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

Posted by colette

I can empathize with you so much brownie BUT seriously, it's just not WORTH it, you said it yourself --- you have enough experience with the IL's to predict this is how they would behave, so while it's definitely not right or fair it's also USELESS to try to change them or guilt them into better thinking. Your DH kind of has the right idea (as infuriating as it is to deal with, I know). If it were YOUR mom you'd have every right to be up in arms over it, but it sounds like your mom is a gem, so try to focus on that instead!!!
I'm thinking your MIL wants those relatives invited so that she's 'off the hook' for hosting anything. I wouldn't stress the guest list too much, honestly, invite the maximum # YOU AND YOUR MOM want to host, and those who want to be there will be. Also if DH's relatives also live 3 hrs away like MIL, you can pretty much bank on a low # attending; I'd be hard pressed to drive 3 hours to attend a baby shower, then drive 3 hours back afterward.

It's never easy to "expect nothing" -- its so unnatural particularly in the face of such a joyous event; but honestly, if this is his side of the family's take on your shower, consider yourself warned for how they will be after DC arrives, and tryyyyyy to lower your expectations - if they shape up you'll be pleasantly surprised, and if they don't you'll be able to let it roll off your back (hopefully).

At the end of the day your MIL isn't "getting away" with anything, she's missing out on one of life's most *PERFECT* relationships (Grandma/grandbaby), so I'd say that loss is colossal versus your "loss" (which isn't a loss at all, in practical terms).

Hope you can feel better about the whole situation soon, don't stress your little baby or yourself over this, its just not worth it.

Re: Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

Oh honey, go kiss your DH and eat some ice cream, whatever you need to do to stop the tears; I treat crying like money now (I'm kind of old) -- is this something I want to "spend" my tears on? Is it deserving of my grief??? If the answer is "no" then I just say "not today".
I also wanted to say this situation is probably JUST as frustrating for your DH so try to let him off the hook; he doesn't want to engage so - its likely he knows how it will pan out and doesn't want to resent his mom MORE after it blows up. It DOESN'T mean he loves you and baby less -- it means he's trying to PROTECT you both from the inevitable disappointment.
OK I'm gong to eat some sympathy ice cream with/for you now

Re: Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

Ice cream it is!


Seriously, what did we do before the internet?

Re: Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

I don't know about you but there are 3 warrants out for me
Have a great night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Baby Shower - MIL - Drama

... i actually get along with my side and my inlaws side... but combining them dont mix so well(after my bridal shower my mom commented on how some of dh's family didnt dress up enough, didnt spend enough, didnt help out enough)... so my mom will be hosting a shower for her friends, then mil will host for her family.. it was just easier that way....

if its at your moms house then you need to invite a number that is comfortable..