baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

So, my mom wants to throw my shower which is great. Only probelm is she is just about to retire and doesn't have much $$ so she wants to have it at her house. This would be no problem except she lives in a 2 br apt in a retirement community w/a decent size living room, tiny kitchen and no den. Keeping my list as small as possible I come up w/30 people. There is no way she can fit seating for 30 in her place. She says people can stand and she will have buffet food (dh's friend owns a deli and would cater for very little $$). I am very grateful that she wants to throw the shower, but I just don't see it working there. I know my MIL would split the cost and DH and I would gladly pay part as well and have told her that. Bottom line she says if she is throwing the shower it will be at her place and that's it. So, my decision is that I will not have a shower. It is just too much stress for me. I went thru the same crap w/my bridal shower - everyone complaining to me and being difficult and I just don't want to go thru that again. I'd rather not have a shower than end up upset and crying like I have been for the past hour.

Am I wrong? I told my mom I really appreciated everything she was trying to do but thought it was best not to have a shower. I just feel like it would be sooo stressful and there would be no enjoyment. I am so upset about this. What do you girls think??

Message edited 1/8/2007 11:21:05 AM.

Re: baby shower dilemma (kinda long)

I agree though. I feel like you get one shower and it should be nice and it s about the baby.

i would just push the fact that you cannot fit that many people in there and that the more people., the more your baby gets and thats whats important.

I would keep on it, till she caves and i would chip in for someplace else.

You deserve it.

Re: baby shower dilemma (kinda long)

I was in a similar situation. DH and I are paying for our shower. My mother is deceased, no sisters and BF lives OOS. My MIL is Jewish. She offered her house but was superstious about doing anything else so we would have been in charge of catering etc.. We booked the restaurant and made the arrangment. My BF is doing everything else and doing a great job, she just couldn't financially swing the expense of paying for a shower and I never would expect her to.

Many retirement communities/townhouse communities have a common room that you can rent out? Does your mom's place have this option?

Does your mom host other family functions in her place? I'm assuming not or she would know how crowded it can get. If people are that crowded in, they will be uncomfortbale and maybe not want to stay.

Keep in mind, if you do pay for it yourself, will you have the additional expense of the baptism/bris/baby naming later?

I know for us, even with twins coming along and all of the additional expense, we decided to do it because we will not be having a religious ceremony and the party to go with it. If we were having something religious it would probably be cost prohibitive to pay for our shower too. I don't expect to get everything I need from my shower and I'm sure we will have to buy many big ticket items for the babies because we need two of so many things, but at the same time, every mommy-to-be deserves a shower.

Re: baby shower dilemma (kinda long)

Does her housing development have a clubhouse? If so, try to chip in to cover the cost of renting it. Tell her it's so much easier to do it that way for cleanup, and the bathroom. Play up the pregnant bathroom trips.

Re: baby shower dilemma (UPDATE AT BOTTOM)

**UPDATE**
So, DH tried to talk to my mom and then I tried again and she is just being so stubborn. She says she offered to do something and we should be gracious and accept it, and that she is angry at the way we are acting. I tried to reason with her again and explained that it was just not reasonable to fit 25-30 people in her little place. I suggested the clubhouse in her development and she said they don't have a party room. I offered again that we all split it and even suggested a couple of other places and she adamantly said no. She told me I can't "control" this, which is such crap. If she didn't want my input why did she tell me where it is in the first place???
I asked her if she would be upset if we planned it ourselves then, and she said she would not even come.

Now I really don't know what to do. DH's mother feels terible and wants to throw the shower, and I know that will make it even worse with my mom. The bottome line is we really want (and need) to have a shower and my mom is just making it so difficult for us. What do we do? Do we just go ahead with and leave her out cpmpletely? Do I just let her have it at her house and have it be uncomfortable for everyone, except her??

I am so upset and confused and need to make a decision ASAP...any advice??

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

I feel so bad for you.

Your mom is being a little selfish and bratty IMO.

I know it sounds liek she really wants to throw it for you and this is the only way she can, but at the same time, you have very reasonable arguments and reasons for it not working.

IMO...you only get ONE shower and you deserve to have it at least accomadate your friends and family.

Im at a loss as far as what to tell you to do.

I think if it were me, I would plan myself somewhere else with the help of other people and tell your mom, that your sorry she feels this way and its a pretty selfish thing to not even come b/c she didnt get her way on where to have it and that you will be hurt forever by her actions. Turn it around to make HER see why its not reasonable. Shes getting mad at you, but if you try to make it like your mad, maybe she will see.

I dont know to be honest, what advice to give, but maybe that would work.

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

I am so sorry

Would it be possible to have two showers? One that your mom can host for your side of the family in her place and then another that your MIL or DH can host with his family and your friends?

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

Does your mom have any sisters who's house she can use for the shower?? Your mom can still host the shower, it would just be in a different location that would comfortably fit all of the people that you want there. She has options, it just sounds like she's being stubborn, with the best intentions, but stubborn...

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

Posted by Ang-Rich

I am so sorry

Would it be possible to have two showers? One that your mom can host for your side of the family in her place and then another that your MIL or DH can host with his family and your friends?

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

Thats a hard situation to be in. I would probably plan the shower on my own. If your MIL did it, it might make your mom feel worse. Hopefully by the time the shower comes around your mom will come to terms with it and still be there regardless of where it is and who is throwing it. After all, it is her daughter and grandchild.
Sorry you have to go through the drama.

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

would your mom be willing to have DH's mom help her plan your shower? Maybe then she would be open to more options?

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

Posted by dm24angel



I agree though. I feel like you get one shower and it should be nice and it s about the baby.

i would just push the fact that you cannot fit that many people in there and that the more people., the more your baby gets and thats whats important.

I would keep on it, till she caves and i would chip in for someplace else.

You deserve it.

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

Thanks so much for all your advice and support! You girls are wonderful. We have tried everything with my mom and she is not budging, not even a tiny bit. I guess I just have to accept the fact that this is the way she is and leave her out of it. This is not the first time she was hurtful or spiteful and runied a happy time for me. She did a lot of stuff with my wedding that left us feeling hurt, too. it's just sad and a hard reality to swallow that your own mother doesn't really want what's best for you or for her granddaughter, and that it is more important that she get her own way

It's even sadder to realize that there will probably be no one from my family at my shower. If my mom is not going she will tell my sister not to go, and my sister will listen. The only other family we have left is 2 cousins and I would bet they won't come either. My mom is very manipulative and has isolated herself (and by default me and my sister) from anyone else in our family, which is very very small.

I hope I can use this as a lesson on how not to treat my daughter...at least something good might come out of it. Right now I am so sad and hurt by all of this. It is taking all my strength not to cry at work right now

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

I really sympathize with you. I have similar situation with my mom wanting to plan my shower and not having the funds for it. She refused to let me chip and when I treid to help find cheaper places she told me to butt out and stop being a control freak. Now she booked it and I heard from my aunt that she took people off my list so it would be cheaper and so she could have it where she wanted to. My mother and I are currently not speaking because she says I'm a selfish brat and I will not apologize for wanting to have these close people at my shower and offered to pick up the expense.

My suggestion is to just do it yourself. If I could do it over, I would skip all the angst and aggravation she has caused me and thrown myself a really cheapo shower, even at a local VFW or KOC, just to have had everyone there to share it with me. And then my mom and I would be speaking, I wouldn't be crying and this would be a happy event.

Re: baby shower dilemma *UPDATE AT BOTTOM*

I am going through a similar situation with my sister - so DH has taken charge.

What about having a "family" shower at your mom's, and then a "friend" shower at someone else's house? I totally understand where you are coming from -- guess what? Yes the shower SHOULD be what YOU want....it is YOUR baby, you will have tons of expenses and needs - and you deserve the shower you want (within reason of course - and you certainly sound like you are reasonable!).

I hope this works out for you....I know the stress totally sucks!