Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years - UPDATE

College friend Lori ran into college friend Tina and Tina's 'fantastic' boyfriend at the market. Lori recognized said boyfriend but didn't mention anything until she got home to call me and let me know that Tina's boyfriend is a guy we both know.. someone who was dating another friend of ours for years.. another man. I call Joe and tell him his ex is with a woman and he says he isn't surprised - after almost 20 years together they broke up a few years prior because the other guys family just never could accept that he was gay.

Do you think gay is a condition you can shed like a coat after 20 years with the same partner and start being straight - or is he possibly just fooling himself and driving her straight to heartache when/if he decides to come clean and/or goes back to men?

If you were Tina's friend - would you tell her that her BF was gay up until a few years ago or just assume she knows?


ETA: *I* am not saying ANYTHING to Tina.. we don't talk often enough to justify my interference.. but she's still fairly good friends with Lori and she doesn't know if she should mention it.

How would YOU feel if you found out someone you were dating was gay and your very good friend knew it and didn't say anything to you?

UPDATE: My friend Joe contacted his ex on FB and asked what was up - told him Lori knew he was his ex and Tina might find out if she didn't know. He said he hadn't told Tina because it would upset her and he wasn't sure where/if the relationship was going at this point. He said that basically he spent his entire 20's and most of his 30's in love with the same man and that dating another guy felt like he would be cheating on Joe so he wanted to try dating a woman and feels like he can appreciate both sexes.

Anyway - upshot is he asked Joe to please have Lori refrain from outing him until he found the right opportunity to tell Tina himself.

Message edited 6/10/2009 7:28:21 AM.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

IMO, no you cannot just stop "being gay" one day. You're born that way. Is it possible that he's bisexual?

And honestly, I would probably MYOB about Tina's situation. You might not know the whole story.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

i have no idea b/c i am not gay so i can't answer the question...

i know someone who came out as gay as a teen (after testing the waters with guys too) had same sex partners always - lived with their partner, all gay friends.....now in their late 20's i hear that this person is dating someone of the opposite sex....leaves a few of us but i tend to think that sometimes you fall in love with the "person" not their "gender" if that makes any sense....but i don't know, i've never fallen in love with or liked any girls

im guessing this person probably knows of this guys past - if long island is anything like staten island everyone knows everything about everybody or knows someone who knows someone....i would probably keep quiet for now....

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I know people who lived life as straight for years( about 60 years, in one case) & then "switched teams" so it is possible that it worlds the other way.

I also know a woman who had a long time girlfriend in college, so some people who only knew her at that time might assume she was gay, but she dated 1 guy before that & only men after that & is now marrying a man. I have no idea if her fiance knows, but it isn't really my business. I don't doubt her commitment to him at all.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

Message edited 3/5/2012 10:37:05 AM.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I don't feel it is anyone except the guys place to tell his GF his past, especially after just seeing him one time. I would probably try to see if he told her, and question him why he hadn't. I wouldn't just call her up after one time to say hey, he's gay.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I dont think I would say anything.

It's possible she knows and bringing it up will make her uncomfortable.


I dont really understand switching teams after so many years whether it be straight or gay.


I have a friend who has been gay since her teens. Said she never believed in bisexual and that you just know. After her long term relationship ended she was dating a guy for a while.
I never asked her about it, it confused me. But since I've never been gay, I dont try to understand it.

I dont understand how Cynthia Nixon is with a woman now either

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

IMO one does not choose to be gay or straight. I truly think we are born that way. I watched my best friend in high school go through some really horrible times with her family when she came out to them - no one would choose to go through those things. So I don't think one can just go from gay to straight. But it is very possible that he loves her and wants it to work. Could he be bisexual?

And no, I wouldn't say anything.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I don't think so. I know every situation is unique, but I think if you are sexually attracted to a person of the same sex, I don't think it just "goes away".

I am no expert on men, but the little I do know leads me to believe that guys who are only attracted to women would never openly have a relationship with another guy. It sounds like this guy couldn't handle the family pressure and is trying to live as a straight man.

Personally, I would want to know. I lived in SF for many years and there was a lot of sexual ambiguity in certain circles there. In fact, several of my female friends and I would talk about this very topic. I wouldn't want to invest my time in a relationship that could lead to great heartache. I would consider telling her since people are probably talking about it anyway.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

personally stay FAR away from that as much as you can. Why? you will be the bad guy in this situation. You should never out someone's sexuality.

People don't switch, their either bi or gay. If this person was a gay for 20 years with never an incident of going to the other sex this could be an experimental phase. Boredom, curiosity, etc

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

i am not gay, so i can't answer the first question. my guess would be no... i strongly feel that being gay is biological and it *sounds* from the story that he is trying to please his family - but i don't know the guy so i can't say for sure.

however, i am going to go against the grain and say that maybe lori should mention it in passing. i am willing to bet that tina already has some suspicions... and might welcome a fresh perspective.

it doesn't have to be anything like "hey, he used to be gay!" just a small, innocent statement, like, "i ran into my friend Joe the other day... did you know he and your boyfriend used to be really close?" and see where it goes from there... she may be looking for someone to talk to

i have a friend who dated a guy who constantly flirted with another of our guy friends (also gay). eventually her boyfriend told her that he was bisexual and used to date men - but it was blatantly obvious to her and others that he really had no interest in women. i know she would have welcomed someone giving her a heads up, they dated for a long time before she had the guts to break it off.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I think everyone has the capability of falling in love with someone of either gender. Whether or not they choose to act on it is another story. You may find that men have attributes that you find more attractive or vice versa, but for some people it's not so black and white.

What would you hope to achieve by pointing out to the girlfriend that her boyfriend had a gay relationship? Do you want her to be disgusted and dump him? How do you know that he hasn't told her about his past relationships and that she's not completely accepting of them/him.

No, I definitely wouldn't interfere. If they seem happy and sincere with one another, you would just be trying to ruin their relationship and that's wrong IMO. I don't think anyone has any right to say "once gay always gay" or vice versa.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I think you are born gay, however, I think if your will is strong enough you can choose to live a staight life if that is what you want. Especially if you feel your life is easier that way.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I agree that you fall in love with a person not the gender but I also believe that when it comes to sexuality it's an innate preference. I know someone who came out to his family in his 20s & then dated a girl in his 30s. I'm sure he loved her, but what floats someone's boat is their own business.

Given the details of this story (family pressure, in particular), I'd say he is gay.

If it were me, I'd want to know. It's only a matter of how it's said. I don't think your friend lacks tact enough to say "your boyfriend is gay.", but I think I'd say "I knew he looked familiar. He dated a good friend of mine for a very long time." and take it from there.

I think this guy only owes an explanation to the person he's dating, so I would not get into particulars because it's not my business.

Message edited 6/9/2009 11:19:02 AM.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

would i say anything? no

do i think someone can "switch"? i've seen enough of it to say MAYBE.

examples that come to mind:

ann heche
julie cypher

these are women who had long-term relationships with women and then stated they weren't gay. they then went back to relationships with men.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I have to keep reminding myself that people are different and don't fit so cleanly into our ideas about them. While some may have a preference one way or another, that may not be completely clear to them at every point of their lives.

Just as we hear people "living a lie" who are in a hetero relationship and it becomes clear to them over time that they would rather go the other way, couldn't it happen in the reverse?

Anyway, I recognize that you are not asking for advice, you are just asking what others would do. If it was me... not a close friend? I wouldn't say anything. Close friend? I would share only what I knew because believe it or not, I was in this situation.

A guy friend that had bisexual tendencies started seeing another friend and although I knew, she didn't. I didn't know this at first. She called me up crying one day that he had finally told her and how could he keep it from her? It hurt her further that I knew - but I didn't know that he didn't tell her. How could I know? It bothered her, a lot. They actually were together after that but it signaled the beginning of the end. They had a lot of communication issues - that was just one small part of their overall problems that led to their divorce.

To me, any two people who don't communicate about their past or who aren't investing in full disclosure or honesty will have issues. Gay, straight, doesn't matter. Those problems will surface eventually.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I don't see why a person can't "switch" after an extended period with someone of one sex.

there are some people who are truly "bisexual" (not just those that experiment in HS and college) and can become attracted to anyone of either sex that flips their switch.

for all you know, this guy had liasons with women whilst he was with men for those 20 years.

or, he lusted equally after Will AND Grace on tv.

besides the sexual side, there is also falling in love with someone. which I imagine if you are attracted to both sexes, you could fall in love with a person from either one.

as for telling...I am not sure.

I guess I look at it as dating as a whole is an experiment. we each "try on" a different person to see which one fits the best.

would you be inclined to tell her he normally fancies brunettes and she was his first blonde out of fear he could realize he really DOES prefer brunettes and could dump her?

I kinda look at it the same way. she may not fit him ultimately for a myriad other reasons...who he slept with prior could only be one of them.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

Plenty of gay men marry women to have children. They are still gay. But they love their wife too (just in a different way). I remember one guy who said that they just "accept" the situation because they wanted a family. Yet inside they do struggle with it.

Since most men don't chose to be gay, I really don't thing that you can't stop being gay. Some make "sacrifices" to try to life a "typical" life.

I know a couple of women who are gay but because of "choices" not born gay.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

I think that you are what you are but everyone falls somewhere along the straight/gay spectrum. In my opinion, not a lot of people really fall in the middle, so most people are one or the other. To complicate things, gay people may go through straight phases and straight people may go through gay phases but deep down their sexual preferences do not change much. I say that the guy you are discussing is gay. Hopefully he has told his current partner that he has gone for men in the past. She should know but she should know from him. I guess I would tell you to borrow my 10 or 11 foot pole when thinking about saying anything!!!!

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

IDK if I think a person can completely switch teams and go from totally straight to totally gay or vice versa. I think there is a lot of gray area that can be influenced/initiated by other circumstances in life. Or they could be bisexual.

I'm not one to judge, so who knows, those are just my thoughts.

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

i'm not sure but when i worked at the boardwalk in disney, there was a manager there that was around 45 years old, he recently got divorced, had 2 kids and was gay. i mean he was blatantly gay! i've never really heard of it the opposite way though

Re: Can A Person Switch Teams After 20 years?

IMHO, sexual orientation is NOT a preference for a same gender relationship or an opposite gender relationship - it is an inate part of each individual. So, no, I do not in any way shape or form believe that you "switch" teams.

I do believe that because of societal prejudice, familial pressure, and other outside forces, individuals force themselves to conform to mainstream society and ultimately sacrifice their happiness (and in some cases their psychological well being) to do so.

Because of that belief, I would in fact encourage Lori to say something to Tina. I wouldn't say her boyfriend "used to be gay" but I would let her know that the last long term relationship the boyfriend was in was a 20 year relationship with Joe.

I won't even get into the possibility of sexual transmitted diseases that Tina needs to protect herself against.