Can someone tell me a joke

SOOOOOOOOOOO tired. We spent the weekend in Vail, CO this weekend and a few glasses of wine into the afternoon, on Saturday we decided to spend an extra day and move our flights to the red-eye.

Needless to say I got three hours of sleep and got into NY at 6:30am and to my office at 7:30am. Want to pass out. I am not young anymore

Anyway, just wanted some jokes to keep me awake

Re: Can someone tell me a joke

here you go baby. hope it gets your head above the surface


Diver Meets Guy Underwater

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

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What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Re: Can someone tell me a joke

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Re: Can someone tell me a joke

A man and a woman strike up conversation at a bar. After a few minutes the man asks the woman her name.

Woman: "My name is Carmen."

Man: "That is a lovely name."

Woman: "Thank you. I picked it out myself because I like cars and I like
men. What's your name?"

Man: "Golftits"

Re: Can someone tell me a joke

Not a joke, but it cracks my up everytime:

Don't kiss your honey
When your nose is runny
You may think it's funny
But is SNOT!

Re: Can someone tell me a joke

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F*** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer F*** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?

She wants to be the first lady.

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Did you see Dolly Parton’s new shoes?

Neither did she.

Re: Can someone tell me a joke

I love ALL of these!!!!!!

Laughter...nature's aphrodisiac.
HUH

Nevermind

Message edited 3/26/2007 2:55:33 PM.

Re: Can someone tell me a joke

OMG this has to be my favorite thread so far! LMAO

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Re: Can someone tell me a joke

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them azzes. This is the only azz I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his azz for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my azz?"

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Re: Can someone tell me a joke

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Re: Can someone tell me a joke

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Re: Can someone tell me a joke

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."