Coming out to your family

I was just wondering if and when you girls came out to your family. I am debating whether to say anything because I feel it will only make them stress and worry. I always had the dream of "surprising" them with our pregnancy but that is now seeming less of a reality.

Re: Coming out to your family

Since I got pregnant our first month TTC and miscarried early, my sister has been through everything with me. I explained to my parents that we were dealing with infertility when we were going for our first IUI. I'm so glad I did! My parents are older (my dad will be 80 in 2 weeks) but they are also so much wiser. My mother was trying for 4 years before conceiving my sister so she is not immune to what I am going through. In fact, it seems that a lot of the females in my family were childless or had difficulty conceiving. My family has been so supportive and have said all the things I needed to hear.

Re: Coming out to your family

I came out early with my family...meaning just mom, dad & sis (we decided not to tell his family & they've never asked). We told them when we were trying for about 4-5 months...and then at about 9 months when we realized it wasn't going to be easy.

It's been so helpful as a support network. I feel like I can really talk freely with them...but we are all very close.

As for reactions...when I told my sis that I was having trouble, she said that if I want to use her as a surrogate...I'd have to wait a while (she's younger). It was nice to hear. My mom said that she would help out...both in taking me to appts and possibly $$. My dad just flat out asked me when I was planning to have kids and I flat out told him. He said it was too bad...and good that we went about the next step.

None of them are especially worried/stressed about it.

Re: Coming out to your family

Well since I got pregnant then miscarried, my family has known that we're actively trying. My mom and MIL knew that we were going to see an RE b/c after my D&C i never got a period and with my PCOS, I knew it was going to be a challenge getting pregnant again.
Both moms are super supportive and don't really worry too much. They know I have frequent doctor appts but they don't ask what's being performed. I told them not to ask b/c I want to be able to surprise them again!

Re: Coming out to your family

My DH is a freaking blabber-mouth and tells everyone in the world-----his boss, clients, the McDonald's fry guy, u name it. Last week at my IUI's, they said his counts were really great. He went and told everyone at work.


I came out to our families right after Christmas. At first, I would tell our families where we are in the process each month, but then they kept calling to see if there was, "any good news" so I no longer tell them what's going on.

Re: Coming out to your family

My family knows that we are doing IVF, but I don't call them with updates every time I go to the doctor, they just know we're doing what we can to try and get pregnant.

Re: Coming out to your family

Re: Coming out to your family

Our immediated family knows what we are going through. They occasionally ask about it and I tell them what's going on, they are supportive but there's not much they can say or do.

They know we're going to go with IVF but they don't know the dates. If it works, DH and I will wait a month or so to come out to them, hoepfully it won't be too hard.

Re: Coming out to your family

I told our families right from the start...you need some kind of support system. I did not tell them about each step - just that we were doing IUI's or when we moved onto IVF.......telling them each phase would have been too much, because as AP said, they would be checking in all the time to see how things went or if there were any news.

Re: Coming out to your family

I told my mom and sisters early on. Spoke with my SILs fairly early too.

I wanted to find out if anyone else in the family had had problems, as they are all quite a bit older than we are.

Re: Coming out to your family

Three years and one child later, I still haven't told them. Only told my bff and cousin and even they don't know all the procedures/meds history.

I just can't deal with the questions that I know will inundate me and for me it was just better to avoid talking about it altogether.

ETA: That's why I thank god for you guys and this board, or I would have gone crazy a long time ago!!

Message edited 6/24/2009 10:13:43 AM.

Re: Coming out to your family

I am still pretty new to the process and DH and I haven't told anyone yet. There is so much for us to take in, I am just not ready to share it with anyone else. As time goes on and I understand more maybe that will change. For now it is just between DH and I. I am really not ready to talk about it to anyone other than you girls

Re: Coming out to your family

My parents don't know anything we are going through. My sister knows that I had 2 m/c's and that we were going to a RE, but she has never asked any questions and I haven't volunteered any more info. Its a little hard for me to tell my parents because we live OOS. I was planning on telling my parents last summer, but then my mom got very sick and was in the hospital for 4 months, and she still isn't 100%, I just don't think that this is something that I should worry my parents about right now, I know I will have a baby eventually so maybe once I get PG again I will tell them what I went through.
Some of my friends down here know, but again, they don't ask too many questions so I don't offer any. On the other hand....DH tells anyone who will listen to him about ALL of our problems

Re: Coming out to your family

My parents have NO idea what's going on, they live overseas and dh and i decided to not tell them because it would only make them worry and they would feel bad that they're so far away. Same thing goes for dh's family, they live in Florida. The only people that know besides you guys(so thankful for this board) whats going on is my sister and my best firends.
It's really hard to keep things inside, sometimes I feel I want to let everybody know but I think this would only make matters worse for some people like our parents.

Re: Coming out to your family

I think we had the same idea as you...

we live in CA and we just always pictured coming back to NY and announcing that we were pregnant - but it just didn't work out that way. It became even more and more difficult as each trip to NY passed and we STILL weren't PG.

When we did our first IVF.. we came back to NY during that 2ww and I REALLY REALLY thought that it was going to work - so I did tell my parents. They were very very supportive. That cycle ended up NOT working though, but I felt good to have everything out in the open.

My parents were very good about not asking for constant updates. And my mom ended up being at our place when I tested and got my BFP after our second FET on Easter. It was a great moment to share and she was extra happy since she knew all that we had gone through.

The rest of my family (extended family) and DH's family don't know about our IF treatments... and that's just what we are comfortable with.

Re: Coming out to your family

Our families have been asking for awhile about when we're going to start family. We weren't going to tell anyone that we were pg last year, but with our miscarriage/ectopic drama they all found out. When we started down the IVF journey, we told our immediate families- AND we told them that we were not going to discuss it with them until we got a heartbeat. Our families are great, but the pressure really gets to me.

Good luck!

Re: Coming out to your family--long answer

My situation was kind of different. I was diagonsed with PCOS back in 2000, before I even knew DH. My mom was at the surgery with me, so the doc told her about it and what the potential fertility implications were. So, she of course told my Dad and sister all this right away (like before I was even awake I'm sure). We are a close family so no biggie, really. It wasn't until after I was married and TTC that I let my Mom tell 2 of my aunts. I have family members that just don't need to know this kind of stuff. I know she also shared our issues with: neighbors, people at church and Mom's she meets at my niece's playgroup She does it out of love and concern (b/c they start to shrae with her their stories) but sometimes I think it's a bit much.
Overall, it's OK. My sister has the policy of only discussing it when I bring it up, Dad doesn't say a word except if I get visably upset and then he just hugs me and says it'll be ok (LOL!!) and my Mom asks a lot but I usually have to let her know it's time to back off or to just deal with my realism versus her peppy optimism!
I like the fact that they know cause when I'm having a bad day they understand and I don't have to make up some excuse and I like knowing they are all praying and pulling for us. Plus my Mom does extra Novena's for me!
Only bad time is when Mom knows I'm testing and I have to tell her about another failure, but that's my issue!

Message edited 6/24/2009 1:19:38 PM.

Re: Coming out to your family

When I knew I'd have to start going to the RE and going through a lot of procedures, I told my mom because I needed her moral support. She said she was wondering anyway, because we had been married for almost 5 years and no kids yet...even though we had been trying for about 4 out of those 5!

Re: Coming out to your family

I told my mother, sister, and father. My mother means well but she isn't any help. Honestly, I stopped telling her things because she seems too stressed about it. My dad doesn't say anything because he is uncomfortable with things that are emotional. My sister is good to speak with but she is younger and doesn't understand any of it.

Honestly, the best people to talk with are your friends who have kids. The reality is that there isn't much that people can say.

Re: Coming out to your family

my parent's and family knew about me seeing an RE after our 2nd loss. then knew about the IUI's we had. but they dont know about our upcoming IVF cycle. they have no idea when it will be. i want to keep that private between DH and I. if i do get PG eventually i am not telling anyone until i have my cerclage.

Re: Coming out to your family

I told my sister & mom early on.They didn't care much because at the time my sister was pregnant and then soon after she split from her boyfriend. They did however blabbed to a bunch of cousins during a gtg. I started getting advice from everyone. I couldn't take it. We decided to not tell DHs family because it was more than enough stress with my family knowing.

Almost 3 years later and DHs family still does not know and my family seem to have forgotten about our situation and no longer ask or give advice. We LOVE it this way.

I also like knowing that we can do a nice surprise for my ILs when we finally...if ever...get pg.

Re: Coming out to your family

Posted by couldbtwins

I am still pretty new to the process and DH and I haven't told anyone yet. There is so much for us to take in, I am just not ready to share it with anyone else. As time goes on and I understand more maybe that will change. For now it is just between DH and I. I am really not ready to talk about it to anyone other than you girls

Re: Coming out to your family

I told my mom and sister and I'm so glad I did. I didn't go into detail about our issues, just that this is what we needed to do to have a baby.

They were very supportive, especially after my early m/c back in March.

Re: Coming out to your family

One of my sisters knew from the beginning. I told my mom when I was going in for minor surgery to remove a uterine polyp. My dad and DH's family found out about our IF issues when we had our first m/c. They have all been extremely supportive throughout the whole process. I planned on being kind of "vague" with our families when we started our first IVF cycle, but they wound up getting almost daily updates!

Re: Coming out to your family

Everybody that asked how was TTC going, we told them about the IF treatment. Everybody was very supportive and surprisingly not nosy or pushy. I wouldn't have done it any other way.