Completely Overwhelmed

This is so much harder than I ever imagined and I had my first total meltdown last night.

Zantac wasn't working for Miranda's reflux. We would get maybe 4 hours of relief and you can only give it every 8 hours so half of her feedings were spitting or vomitting episodes. We went for her 1 month check up on Thursday and they switched her to Prilosec. It seemd like it was helping until last night. She cried for 5 hours straight which hadn't happened in a long time. DH and I switched on and off and nothing was working. Everytime she would go to sleep the reflux would wake her up. I was getting so frustrated and then mad at myself for feeling that way that I just had to have DH take her. I didn't want to be around her anymore and I felt like a horrible mother for that. I broke down and just started sobbing. I can't tell you how helpless I feel not being able to do anything for my child's pain and to have to watch her go without sleep when she is clearly exhausted (as is Mommy).

Well today we decided to split to 2ml dose to 1ml in the morning and 1ml later in the day which the doctor said we may have to do. No success with that either. She is somewhat comfortable but still refluxing enough to keep her awake, just not screaming. She was awake from 7am-1pm. She would doze off but anytime you put her down she would wake up. DH finally just had her sleeping on him but at night its just impossible to do that for fear of falling into too deep of a sleep and something happening to her. Then the nights we do get her down I feel like I don't ever get into a restful sleep because I am so fearful of someting happening to her in her sleep and I am always checking on her. She sleeps next to me in the snuggle nest and she does these scary sounds from the reflux and I am so afraid one night she'll choke because she does spit up in her sleep as well it just doesn't always come out but you can smell it on her breath when she wakes up.

I am at the end of my rope here and I am worried that I am having signs of PPD. I am trying to make myself get up and out, which we did every day last week but then that screws up my pumping/nursing schedule that I have to try to follow to keep my milk supply enough. On top of everything she isn't gaining much weight. She's only 12oz above her birth weight which isn't terrible but it's not great either. Overall I just feel like I am doing such a bad job even though I am trying so hard and I feel even worse when I get frustrated with my helpless baby and have DH take her off my hands. I just feel like what kind of mother am I that I don't want to hold my crying baby.

Our next step for the reflux is a specialist so if the next few days with the Prilosec don't provide any relief I will take steps for an appointment. My milk supply is getting better but the 3 days I tried almost all BFing she didn't gain any weight so the LC has me back to lots of pumping and supplementing. I don't know why but I just can't let myself give up on the BFing thing yet even though it may take some stress off but I think in turn it would just make me feel even more guilty.

Sorry for the long vent but I just had to get it all out somewhere that people might understand.

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

This is such a hard time. Cole had reflux also, and I struggled with all your emotions for the first 4 months of his life. Its so completely normal to have all of those feelings. I wish I had advice, all I can say is that IT WILL GET BETTER. You need to take care of yourself also. Good for you for letting DH take over for a while. Enlist all the help you can get and use that time to rest yourself. They really do grow out of it. Good Luck!
PS -- have you seen a specialist? Cole went for a GI series at Good Sam and saw Dr. Kessler. He had some good suggestions.

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

Jen - I am really sorry you are going through all of that right now...it's really hard, and frustrating. Please don't balme yourself - none of what Miranda is experiencing is your fault - and neither are your feelings. My daughter doesn't have the same problems and there are times that I just want someone to take her off my hands. I think that even under the best situation with a perfect baby - it's still overwhelming at times...so what you are going through HAS to be overwhelming at times...especially with the lack sleep you are experiencing.

Have you thought at all about having someone come in to help you - a baby nurse maybe? at least temporarily to help you cope, get some rest, and give you some time with DH? A baby nurse might also give you some tips on how to help Miranda.

We are all here for you - to listen and to help how we can. I know it's hard to imagine - but it is temporary, take it day by day - or by hour - whatever works for you.

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

Im soo sorry your going through this.... I have no advice but want to give you lots and lots of

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

I hope you and your baby feel better soon! I found that my son's disposition changed drastically around 6-7 weeks old. He used to cry a lot too...it will get easier!

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

Even though I don't have a baby with reflux my brothers 10 month old baby has it really bad so I've heard about it all from them -- and used to babysit her every friday all during the summer so I understand how difficult it is. They didn't even get her diagnosed until after she was 6 months because the pediatritian they were seeing refused to diagnose it or give them a referal to a specialist -- or to medicate -- so they did it all without medication and no diagnosis for the first 6 months. Finally when she was 6 months and was only 1 lb over her birth weight (she was 10-2 when she was born) they switched doctors and started seeing a specialist also.

It's so sad because when thier daugher eats now it's like she's frantically hungry -- and i really think it's because for so long she would spit up most of her food and was so hungry.

It is tough but don't be upset if you are getting frustrate. your hormones are still out of whack and you're dealing with something extremely difficult! imagine what it was like before medications! just hang in there and take breaks when you need it. sometimes when emily won't sleep at night i have to wake bill up and give him a few hours with her because i know i'm near my breaking point -- so if you need to pass her off to your husband it's okay and completely understandable. being a mom is a hard job and when your baby has reflux it's even harder.

hang in there. we're all hoping it gets better for you -- and know that it will eventually. just so you know my brother's baby is the most amazingly HAPPY baby --- she seemed so miserable before they got it under control but now that they do it's as if she's showing the whole world "Man, I feel GOOD now!!!"

Message edited 10/29/2005 5:28:59 PM.

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

I have no advice either, but really thought you could use some extra
PS> You are not a bad mommy!!! You are a wonderful caring mommy who just wants her baby to feel better.

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

My dr didn't say that the zantac had to be every 8 hours - we give it to him @ 7AM, 1PM and before bed @ 8. He seems to be doing better. He's still fussy, but the spitting up seems to be getting less. Did Miranda HATE the taste of it? That's my one dilemma - he has a tough time swallowing it.

I know how you feel - I cry almost every day when he has a bad time. It's so sad to see his painful faces and his cries that I can't console. But you do need to get out. Even just for a walk or an hour at the store. It's SO important. I find on the days I don't get out I am so much more emotional with him and so much less tolerant. And when we're stressed they're stressed.

Where do you live? Nassau or Suffolk? We could always get together and compare AR babies

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

Well you know I know what you are going thru I have been there and Im still dealing with this issue. I too feel like Im sometimes are not doing a good job but I tell myself that its not my fault and its reflux.

Did your dr suggest giving the baby maalox at all? I went to a Gi speacialist and she told me that in between the doses of Zantac if he is fussy or in pain I can give a 1/2 teaspoon of maalox--its has helped. Also, How long had Miranda been on meds--- my doc said that it takes up to 2 weeks to be fully effective in treating the reflux.One more thing -I heard that prevacid is the best medicine for this but it is really pricey like 175 a month depending on insurance. I might have to try this soon.

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

Please don't get down on yourself. You absolutely must take care of yourself to be able to take care of your baby. You need a bunch of and some time out for yourself.

Re: Completely Overwhelmed

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Its amazing how all over the place your emotions are after you have a baby.

Luckily we had a fairly good day yesterday. We managed to go out for breakfast and to our supper club. She seemed to just have normal baby fussiness yesterday, no real episodes and she did go down at 11:30pm-3:345 and then about 4:45am-7:30am and then we took a nap together from 8:30am-11:15am. So I definitely feel refreshed today.
The only problem we've been having is putting her down for her naps, she wakes up and will only stay asleep on us so we took turns for her naps yesterday.
DH just put her down for her second nap in the pack n play so we'll see how it goes. I really hope this Prilosec is what she needed.

Danielle- I live in CO otherwise I would love to get together. I was looking to see if they had support groups for reflux moms but I haven't found any. It definitely adds a whole other dynamic to being a new mom.