Dealing with the loss of a twin...

Just wondering how everyone dealt with the loss of a twin.

Do you plan on telling your child that he/she was a twin?

Did you put twin sonos in your pregnancy journal?

Did you tell poeple that you were pregnant with twins then lost one? Or do you just say that you are pregnant with one?

How did you handle insensitive comments?

What happened to your twin? Did he/she reabsorb? Did you have bleeding? Something else?

Thanks so much.

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

I wasn't pregnant with twins, but I wanted to give you .

I did have a miscarriage so I do understand how hard it is to lose a baby.

If I were in your situation, I think I would want to tell my child that they were a twin. As for right now, I wouldn't get into specifics with people who aren't close to you.

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

i dont know if should respond here or on the preggo board SO - i'll respond in both



im a twin myself so here's my two cents - I hope it's ok


If I had lost my twin before we were born I would HOPE that my parents would tell me that he/she was there, even if only for a short while. It’s like having a personal guardian angel to always look over you. It's a special bond no matter what, and I’m SURE it transcends death


good luck with MEATBALL!

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

We do plan on telling our DS that he was a twin. Our twin was lost before there was a HB though. It was tough to deal with, especially since we went through IVF

I do have the sonogram pictures of both sacs in my pregnancy journal & will keep them there. We always told people that we were pregnant with twins & lost one but since it was so early on, there was no effect on the exisiting baby. I had absoutely no bleeding when I lost the twin

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

Hey Hayley,

I know you know my story, similar to yours. I lost baby B after we saw the HB (so at our 8 week sono he had stopped growing).

I'm sure when he gets older I will tell him he had a twin and I'll definately keep those sonos. They were also of him. When I got pregnant we told everyone right away and when we found out it was twins we told everyone that too. So for awhile I had to tell everyone we lost the twin which was tough. Trust me, I learned my lesson the hard way about telling early. My twin just reabsorbed, never had any bleeding at all. By the 12 week sono you really couldn't even see the sac.

People are so stupid. I got some really bad comments ("oh you must be so relieved" was one of the worst ), but I just wrote it off as stupidity. Honestly, once thigs progressed with the pregnancy I really focused on the healthy baby I was carrying. You'll never forget about the "what-ifs" and you'll still feel a pang of jealousy when you see people with twins. But I can honestly say when I got home from the hospital with DS and realized how hard those first few weeks were, I was relieved there weren't two. So it will get better with time, I promise

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

Hi Hayley
I think I already told you all of this, but I'll post it just in case anyone else has the same questions. Sorry, it's long.

YES, I put the twin sonos in my pregnancy album. I had 3 sonos with twins and heartbeats - in the last one, they even looked like babies, not just little blobs. The way I look at it is like this: that little tiny thing was a part of me for just a couple short months, but it changed my life. I don't ever want to forget that feeling.

Our families knew that we were having twins - we told them on Christmas eve at 8 wks. We lost baby B around 10wks. At our 10wk appt, the tech found Baby A first. He was wiggling all over the place! After taking the measurements, she moved to Baby B - and we found ourselves staring at a lifeless baby-shaped form. No wiggles, no heartbeat. I came home from that appointment and broke down because I felt like a failure - like I didn't deserve to be a Mom because I couldn't even take care of this little poppy seed past 10wks. I was also terrified of losing BabyA. We now know that it was a chromosome issue with Baby B- something just didn't line up correctly.

We had a few insensitive comments, but i chalk it up to people just not knowing what to say. My husband's PARENTS never even said, "I'm sorry this happened", or "I'm sorry you're going through this". All I wanted was one phone call - a hug, even. Nope. The support I received from my family, close friends, LIF, and even my boss and his family made up for it.

I had quite a few, "Better now than later, right?" - are you KIDDING ME?! Is that supposed to make it better??? I have a whole new outlook on my relationship with several people after this experience. I'm glad I know now instead of finding out in a worse way later. Learning experience.

I also feel like jumping right back into real life ASAP helped, too. I had my "bad appt" at 8pm on 1/15, and I was at my desk at 8:30am the next morning. I wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed SO BADLY, but I didn't. I added that night to my list of experiences and tried to move on as quickly as possible.

The comments sting a lot now, at 31 wks, when stupid people (like my coworker) try to make stupid conversation by saying, "Getting SO BIG!!! Are you sure there's only 1 in there?!?" I just smile, nod, walk away. If you know me, you know how tempted I am to cut back with my sharp tongue, but I refrain. I'm afraid if I don't get angry, I'll just get sad, if that makes sense.

It stung a bit when registering and seeing all the double strollers, twin sets onesies, etc. It even stung a little last week when BBB's homepage was dedicated to twin paraphernalia. But every single time I feel this little guy kick and wiggle and roll over inside of me, I realize HOW LUCKY we are that he was strong enough to make it. What a little fighter...

I'm one of the weird ones that hasn't experienced absorption or any bleeding. SacB is still visible at my sonos - they still take measurements of it. It hasn't grown at all, but it hasn't disappeared either. There's no longer a baby-like figure in there, it's just a mass of 'material'. I used to turn away from the screen when they did those measurements, but each time I go it gets a little easier to look. My Dr seems to believe I'll either pass it upon delivery (if v-birth) or they'll remove it (if i need a c-sec), or I'll pass it with the post partum bleed.

I think due to the fact that the families knew it was twins and that I'm keeping the pics in my album, we will tell our son that he has an angel twin looking over him when he's old enough to understand it. We may or may not have another child - undecided at this time. I haven't exactly had a smooth pregnancy!

I really am so sorry that you're going through this - there's really nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better or heal faster.

Message edited 6/9/2009 2:13:27 PM.

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

Hayley, once again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry to crash, but I wanted to share a little story with you.

My ex-BF is a single child. He had overheard when he was younger that he was one of 3 babies - triplets - but that he was the only one that made it. It really kinda haunted him because he didn't KNOW for sure. He knew he was an only child for a reason, but didn't want to hurt his mom by asking questions. I told him he should bring it up and see how she responded, but in the end, he was almost afraid to find out. I truly believe that a lot of his angst would have been avoided if he knew for sure.

On another note - my mom is a twin. They have a really great connection. They are not identical, but still, they have a special bond. I believe that bond exists from the time they were together in my grandma's belly. I truly believe your Meatball has his/her own personal angel now. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your child, but I think if you feel comfortable talking about it, then it would be a nice thing to share with your child when they're old enough to understand.

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

You know, DH and I were discussing this. As you know, I lost my twin last week, at 16w4d, so we had already grown to love our little girl deeply.

Will we tell DS that he was a twin? I think so.

I have all my twin sonos still in my album. I will save them all in a journal if I ever get around to creating one!

Most people on this board know I was pregnant with twins and lost one. Much of my family knows as well. As far as work folks, I never really said anything about being pregnant with twins, but never said it was a singleton, either. I know its semantics, but, I wasn't sure if they'd both make it...so I didn't want to say anything.

I haven't had to deal with many insensitive comments except some from my mom about how we'll be saving money now

I don't know what will happen with this baby. My main concern is the pre-term labor and the fact that I have a cerclage. I went to have a sono yesterday at my OB's office and I made sure to turn the screen away just in case I had to see her somehow. I want to be sure I NEVER have to see her on a sono. I'm told she'll reabsorb but it will take WEEKS. I mean, she was pretty big. Last measurement she was more than 4ozs. That seems like a lot to be reabsorbed.

You know how sorry I am for you and can totally relate to how you're feeling. If you ever need to talk or need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

Posted by Shorty

Hi Hayley
I think I already told you all of this, but I'll post it just in case anyone else has the same questions. Sorry, it's long.

YES, I put the twin sonos in my pregnancy album. I had 3 sonos with twins and heartbeats - in the last one, they even looked like babies, not just little blobs. The way I look at it is like this: that little tiny thing was a part of me for just a couple short months, but it changed my life. I don't ever want to forget that feeling.

Our families knew that we were having twins - we told them on Christmas eve at 8 wks. We lost baby B around 10wks. At our 10wk appt, the tech found Baby A first. He was wiggling all over the place! After taking the measurements, she moved to Baby B - and we found ourselves staring at a lifeless baby-shaped form. No wiggles, no heartbeat. I came home from that appointment and broke down because I felt like a failure - like I didn't deserve to be a Mom because I couldn't even take care of this little poppy seed past 10wks. I was also terrified of losing BabyA. We now know that it was a chromosome issue with Baby B- something just didn't line up correctly.

We had a few insensitive comments, but i chalk it up to people just not knowing what to say. My husband's PARENTS never even said, "I'm sorry this happened", or "I'm sorry you're going through this". All I wanted was one phone call - a hug, even. Nope. The support I received from my family, close friends, LIF, and even my boss and his family made up for it.

I had quite a few, "Better now than later, right?" - are you KIDDING ME?! Is that supposed to make it better??? I have a whole new outlook on my relationship with several people after this experience. I'm glad I know now instead of finding out in a worse way later. Learning experience.

I also feel like jumping right back into real life ASAP helped, too. I had my "bad appt" at 8pm on 1/15, and I was at my desk at 8:30am the next morning. I wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed SO BADLY, but I didn't. I added that night to my list of experiences and tried to move on as quickly as possible.

The comments sting a lot now, at 31 wks, when stupid people (like my coworker) try to make stupid conversation by saying, "Getting SO BIG!!! Are you sure there's only 1 in there?!?" I just smile, nod, walk away. If you know me, you know how tempted I am to cut back with my sharp tongue, but I refrain. I'm afraid if I don't get angry, I'll just get sad, if that makes sense.

It stung a bit when registering and seeing all the double strollers, twin sets onesies, etc. It even stung a little last week when BBB's homepage was dedicated to twin paraphernalia. But every single time I feel this little guy kick and wiggle and roll over inside of me, I realize HOW LUCKY we are that he was strong enough to make it. What a little fighter...

I'm one of the weird ones that hasn't experienced absorption or any bleeding. SacB is still visible at my sonos - they still take measurements of it. It hasn't grown at all, but it hasn't disappeared either. There's no longer a baby-like figure in there, it's just a mass of 'material'. I used to turn away from the screen when they did those measurements, but each time I go it gets a little easier to look. My Dr seems to believe I'll either pass it upon delivery (if v-birth) or they'll remove it (if i need a c-sec), or I'll pass it with the post partum bleed.

I think due to the fact that the families knew it was twins and that I'm keeping the pics in my album, we will tell our son that he has an angel twin looking over him when he's old enough to understand it. We may or may not have another child - undecided at this time. I haven't exactly had a smooth pregnancy!

I really am so sorry that you're going through this - there's really nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better or heal faster.

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

In our case, we were PG with triplets and lost one around 10 weeks - we do plan on telling the girls about the third baby.

We hadn't come out to extended family yet, and only immediate family and some close friends knew about the triplets.

When we came out to everyone, we said we were PG with twins. The third sac totally absorbed and we did never had a sono pic with the three of them.

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

Message edited 6/9/2009 3:54:17 PM.

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

I've never really given it much thought as to tell Samantha or not. I know my husband will tell her when she's old enough to understand as we DO intend to telling her how she was conceived.

As for putting the twin sono's in a book.. well, I'm REALLY bad about that, I haven't done anything with any of our sonos from my pregnancy. However, alot of our early sono's had both babies in the same picture, and I'd feel weird cutting the sono picture in half or folding it over. It saddens me greatly to see my baby in the photos when we were told s/he had no longer had a heartbeat, but for some reason, my husband finds comfort in seeing both of them together.

Only a few people know I was carrying twins. Close friends and our family know siince these are the people we told when we first found out.

I actually did tell a complete stranger once near the end of my pregnancy when she asked if I was sure I wasn't carrying twins. I wanted to put her in her place (call it pregnancy hormones gone amuck!), so I said, "Yes, I'm completely sure as I lost one of my babies" And I walked away. Other than that, I didn't hear any insensitive comments, I had a previous miscarriage, so people/family were more sensitive this time around.

I had no bleeding, s/he reabsorbed. At my 12 week sono, only the sac was still visible, at my 18 week sono, that was gone as well.

Message edited 6/9/2009 4:17:41 PM.

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss....

Well, I lost a twin, it happened after i delivered, he came out and was not crying. Turns out, he got an infection; by some miracle, his twin, did not get it and survived. It was completely shocking and I think about it everyday. DS is 10 months old, so I obviously have not explained it to him yet, but we will - we are not sure when, but we absolutely will tell him that he had a twin brother. My fear is that someone will say something to him before we get to, especially since my nieces & nephews completely understand what happened and talk about my twin who passed away a lot. When the time is right, we will explain it. We feel he has a right to know.

My situation is very different from many, but still, a loss is a loss and we all deal with things differently. I have a memory book that the hospital gave me and I saved all the sono pictures. Also, I have a photo holding my baby, saying goodbye to him and something will not let me delete it from the camera.

I am pregnant again and we are so happy to be able to give DS a sibling. Obviously our plan was not to replace our twin baby who passed away, but we really wanted to give DS someone. It is so bittersweet.

It is tough. We have our DS buried at a children's cemetery and going to visit him gives me a sense of peace.

As far as insensitive comments, i did get some. People would say "well at least you have one baby". I could not believe it. I just think that people do not know what to say - instead of saying "I'm sorry" which to me, is more than enough, they tend to blab anything they think of.

Again, sorry for your loss

Message edited 6/9/2009 7:13:54 PM.

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

I didn't know you were pregnant-I am so happy for you; though it's bittersweet since you are now going through this

My last pregnancy was twins and I lost both-relatively early. If I had lost one and not the other, I would have told the surviving twin the whole story-it's part of their history.

I would have felt blessed to have one of those babies survive but I still would have felt the loss of the one that might have been

Re: Dealing with the loss of a twin...

sorry for your loss..

my oldest daughter was a fraternal twin. we lost her twin at 10 weeks after seeing a strong heartbeat. Yes we plan on telling her and we are very open about it to everyone.

My some strange ocurrence my next pregnancy resulted in identical twin girls (no fertility help with either).

Good luck to you!