Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

Heath Ledger's death got me thinking. Michelle Williams told their 2-year old daughter, Matilda, that Heath "went away" and did not bring her to his memorial service. While I know that death would be extremely hard for a 2-year old to grasp, I don't think it's right to lie. That poor girl is going to be thinking that her father is going to eventually come back. So here's my question. If (god forbid) your DH/DW/SO were to pass away would you be honest with your child and try to explain death to them or would you lie and say that they're "away" or something along those lines?

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

Honestly, I think it would depend on DD age.

At this age, she would have no idea what I am taking about telling her about death.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

My answer is to be completely honest..My sister lost her DH when her kids were 3,5,&6. They knew he was dying so she had time to prepare them for his passing. But it wasnt easy...

Michelle is grieving herself and she is simply trying to shield her daughter from the pain she is feeling...I see nothing wrong in it. I just hope Im never put in this position.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

Dereks grandmother died and we told Emma she died, she is in heaven now, we can't see her anymore but she's happy and her angel always watching her. Jeremy has no clue. If, god forbid, something happened to Derek I would tell them what happened in kid terms. My dad passed away when I was 12. I couldn't imagine my children feeling the pain that I did.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

ITA

Every family/child psychologist will tell you NOT to tell a child that the deceased is "sleeping", "went away" etc. There are decades of research on children who lost their parents and those who were told this, even from a very young age, thought that their parent/grandparent etc. was alive but left them. For those who were told he/she is "sleeping" well then they became terrified of going to sleep, their parents going to sleep etc..

When my mother died suddenly I was 8 and my brother was just about to turn 5 (five days later ). We were told the truth immediate upon my father's return from the hospital and we attended my mother's wakes and funeral.

To this day, 28 years later, I can still remember looking back from the front pew of the church to see the ENTIRE third grade (I went to Catholic school) in mourning my mother with me. Major kudos to my Dad (it was still somewhat acceptable to NOT have children, even those of the deceased at the funeral) for telling us the truth and having us at the wake and funeral. Also major kudos to my teachers and the parents of my classmates who instead of taking the easy road of not having their children attend the funeral of a mom, took on the much harder task of having their children attend in support and solidarity with my family.

While 8 and 4 year olds are not like 2 year olds in their capacity to understand, I do not agree at all with what Michelle Williams did. That little girl thinks daddy is coming back.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

It completely depends on the child's age. I would really have to think about it. If I did decide to do what Michelle Williams did, then as the baby got older and asked again, I would explain more and more until the baby understood death. Kids interpret things how they want to sometimes, and we do not have control over that. I have a friend whose kids do not see their father but he is alive and she tries to arrange for him to see them sometimes. She has always thought that her kids know where he is (he lives near some of their friends). On one of the Jewish holidays, where people say prayers for the deceased, her son asked to say a prayer for his "daddy who is in heaven."

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

To be honest we dont really know what michelle williams told her daughter. As far as I know this was a media report it wasnt a statement that michelle williams made so who knows what she told matilda. My heart breaks for this little girl, the family and all of you Lif'ers who have lost a parent. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

Regardless of the age- I would be honest...

I wouldn't go into details but would explain that so and so went up to heaven...that we would no longer be seeing them, but that they'd forever be in our hearts..

I know a child(the child is 4yrs old now) whose mother died when he was a little over a year- the grandmother is raising him, and teaching the child that she is mommy... She says its because every child needs someone to call "mom"

I completely disagree with this- IMO- the child should be taught about his mother, should be shown pictures, and should hear all wonderful stories about her... Grandma should be grandma- and mom should always remain mom.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

first, I pray to god that I never have to explain something like this to my son. And I'm sorry for all of you who have lost a parent, especially at such a young age. Having never been in the situation I won't pass any judgement on Michelle for how she copes and what she tells her daughter. I would probably say that at the age of 2 she probably wouldn't understand either way (whether you told the truth and explained death or just said he went away). However, I would think that if this ever happened to me I would want my son at the funeral, therefore I probably would have to explain.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

I don't disagree with what Michelle did. A 2 year old doesn't understand the concept of death. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable telling her little girl that daddy is gone and will never come back. This is all a shock to her as well. I'm sure that she is having a hard enough time accepting this unfortunate reality.

I'm sure as Matilda gets older, she will explain that daddy is in heaven.

I don't understand why she didn't bring Matilda to the funeral though.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

I just wanted to add that I don't think Michelle Williams is wrong for how she treated the situation. I can't even imagine how she's feeling right now. Personally though, if I were in the situation, I think I would tell my children. DS is 2 and when DH is working, he constantly asks "Where's Dada?" and "When will I see Dada?" I couldn't imagine how heart-wrenching it would be if DH passed away and DS asked me these questions. I think it would hurt more to be dishonest about it every time he asked than to try and explain that he wasn't coming back. I don't know. It's tough to predict what would go through your head and I pray it's a situation that none of us would ever have to go through.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

I agree with being honest from the get-go. However I think for very young children & when death is so sudden, the living parent needs time to digest & "Daddy went away" is easier for her at the moment. Since Daddy was probably away from her a lot, it doesn't phase her.

I have no doubt that this poor woman will be sitting her daughter down & telling her that "Daddy died" when she's able to get the words out.

In a case where Daddy is ever present nightly, I probably would have a different opinion.

Message edited 2/9/2008 3:09:24 PM.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

When my father passed away my nephew was 3. My brother and SIL explained to him that granpa had died and went to heaven. He went to the wake and funeral and accepted the explanation and coped very well.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

My FIL died when my BIL was 2, honestly, they didn't tell him anything. No one sat down with him and told him that his dad died or that he went away or anything. It was just the way it was. BUT my BIL didn't speak at that age to ask what was going on.

My SILs were 4 and 7 and they were told that Daddy wasn't coming back.

I don't disagree with what Michelle Williams did. She is in a terrible situation and I am sure as Matilida gets old she will explain what happened.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

Well, I wouldn't lie about death, but depending upon the child's age, it could be hard to explain.

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

I think at 2 years old the child's understanding is so limited....There's really no reason to say more that that IMO, and Im sure she will explain and talk about "daddy' as the child gets older&can understand more.
so sad

Re: Death question (sorry to be a bit morbid)

Posted by KPtoys

My dad passed away when I was 12. I couldn't imagine my children feeling the pain that I did.