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PinkRoses828
LIF Zygote
Member since 3/15 37 total posts
Name:
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Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Hello Ladies,
I'm a patient at LIIVF. So far no success after two IUIs. I'm trying my best to remain patient and hopeful all while researching my options and calling the insurance company and most of all REMAINING CALM! (See how well I'm managing that?)
But I'm struggling. Starting to feel a little at the end of my rope. I'm going to be turning 36 in a month, and we've been trying for a year. I have this panic inside me that I'm trying to keep at bay, but it's this fear that it's too late for me.
So since the pressure and the sadness and the hopelessness are really starting to get to me, I pulled out the pamphlet I got from LIIVF about the support group they have. I reached out to the leader last night, and was finally feeling like something positive was going to happen.
But over the course of our emailing, I decided to let her know that I'm suffering from secondary infertility. I have a 4.5 year old son, who I conceived naturally. Since then we've miscarried once and I haven't been able to get pregnant ever since. It's been a year of trying and treatment.
She wrote me back to tell me that I could not be included in the group because I already have a child. That she had tried to be inclusive in the past, but that I guess it made some people uncomfortable.
I am devastated. I guess I didn't realize how much I was needing this kind of support, and now that I can't have it, I'm feeling worse than before. I understand her reasons, I honestly do. At the same time it only reinforces some of the feelings that I've been struggling with - that I should just sit down and shut up and be happy because I have a child and I'm not allowed to feel sad, or longing, or hopeless because there are people who have it worse than me. So on top of all of the sadness and longing and hopelessness, I also have heaps and heaps of guilt. Good times. 
So here I am crying, and I decided to finally post in this forum (I've been lurking for quite some time now but have never been brave enough to post). Is there anyone out there going through anything similar? And I know this sounds weird, but, wanna grab a cup of coffee or something? I just could really use a friend who knows what I'm going through.
Lol my favorite color is purple, I love reading and crocheting, my favorite season is Spring and I'm a freelancing, work-from-home mom. Looking forward to hearing from some ladies!
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Posted 3/24/15 1:05 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
RESOLVE has a local Secondary Infertility Support group, I will bump the tread for you. The woman who runs it is very nice, just email her and she will be right in touch with you. I used to go but we since moved on.
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| Posted 3/24/15 1:09 PM |
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mrsm-2011
He is my world!
Member since 6/12 3009 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Not going through 2nd infertility. Had my first with the help of injectable meds and IUI 7 months ago. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this and I know there are other ladies on this board going through similar things. 
How crappy to leave certain people out of a support group. I've met some pretty great and strong women from this site and we all support each other no matter the diagnosis! This board is a really great outlet to vent and get information.
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| Posted 3/24/15 1:13 PM |
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PinkRoses828
LIF Zygote
Member since 3/15 37 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
OMG that is amazing!! Thank you thank you!! 
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| Posted 3/24/15 1:13 PM |
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PinkRoses828
LIF Zygote
Member since 3/15 37 total posts
Name:
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Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Thanks so much mrsm-2011. I will definitely start to post more on this board. I'm a pretty shy person, so it's hard for me to put myself out there. But I'm realizing that I really need to if I'm going to get through this!
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| Posted 3/24/15 1:17 PM |
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jellybean78
:)
Member since 8/06 13103 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Posted by mrsm-2011
Not going through 2nd infertility. Had my first with the help of injectable meds and IUI 7 months ago. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this and I know there are other ladies on this board going through similar things.
How crappy to leave certain people out of a support group. I've met some pretty great and strong women from this site and we all support each other no matter the diagnosis! This board is a really great outlet to vent and get information.
Agree with this 1000%. I am similar to you but I have a 7 YO child and have been trying for the past 3 years. I suffered 3 miscarriages in 2013 alone two from IVF it is very hard. I am already 36 but I refuse to give up hope. 36 is not that old anymore.
If you ever feel like you need to vent, talk, etc you can always post on here. The women here are awesome!
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| Posted 3/24/15 3:08 PM |
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NYCGirl80
I love my kiddies!
Member since 5/11 10413 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
I'm sorry they didn't allow you into the support group...how unsupportive! Though I guess I do understand how difficult it can be for women who have not yet conceived to be around others who are trying for #2 or more. That doesn't help you, though.
I will say that 36 is not old! And the fact that you already conceived should give you more hope. Also, 2 IUIs is not really a lot. Best case, an IUI gives you a 20% chance, so keep going! What protocol do they have you on? For me, I couldn't ever conceive with a single follie but once I got multiple follies (via injectables) IUIs worked. It took a few tries for both of my pregnancies, so don't give up!
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| Posted 3/24/15 4:07 PM |
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BabyHopes2
LIF Adult
Member since 4/13 1058 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Just to let you know I am also dealing with secondary infertility and I also have a 4.5 year old (no issues conceiving) and have been trying for almost 2 years now. This is my 3rd IUI cycle. PM me if you ever want to talk. Just remember you are not alone and this site is very helpful! 
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| Posted 3/24/15 5:24 PM |
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PinkRoses828
LIF Zygote
Member since 3/15 37 total posts
Name:
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Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Thanks so much, ladies. Unfortunately it appears as though the Secondary Infertility Group is now inactive due to low membership. Seems like I'm really striking out today. Rejected from two groups and I just got AF! Thank goodness for you ladies. If anyone from the board would like to meet up, shoot me a FM!
I guess one of the things that really stresses me out is money. NO assisted reproductive technologies are covered by my insurance. We've spent about $4k on unmedicated IUIs. We are very concerned about the possibility of twins, so we're being conservative.
On the other hand, I don't want to follow bad money with bad money if IUIs don't have the success rate that IVF does. I'd rather just pay for an IVF and have a good outcome than pay for IUI after IUI. Maybe I'll start another thread, but I'd love to hear people's thoughts on Clomid vs IVF.
Thanks again for letting me vent, ladies.
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| Posted 3/24/15 6:15 PM |
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Michelle1110
My family is complete
Member since 1/12 2338 total posts
Name:
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Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
I've met my CLOSESt, ride or die friends from THIS board. Imo it was better then any outside group. I met awesome women at the get togethers - mrsm above is one of them. Good luck!
And btw - Li IVF gave me my baby :)
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| Posted 3/24/15 6:35 PM |
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DWKS810
LIF Adolescent
Member since 3/09 554 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
I just had my first appt at Long Island IVF today and I am struggling after 2 miscarriages and almost a year of trying, with PCOS. I was luckily able to have a healthy pregnancy with my daughter who just turned 2.
I'm having a hard time emotionally too, but just trying to stay upbeat. I really like the doctor and the practice but I feel so confused and overwhelmed. Just know you're not alone.
My doctor after my first miscarriage (when I said I knew I was so lucky to have one healthy kid and it must be so much harder for first time moms) said its a different kind of pain - because you really know what it is you've lost.
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| Posted 3/24/15 8:08 PM |
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TyReseGreen
Lil Prince is here
Member since 8/11 6338 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
I know how you feel as for someone suffering from secondary infertility. Before finding this site 4 years ago I went on the Bump.com and literally got bumped out after my first post explaining my secondary infertility. Deleted my profile and found this site. These ladies have been amazing on this site.
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| Posted 3/24/15 8:13 PM |
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hmm
Sweet
Member since 1/14 7993 total posts
Name:
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Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
look on meetup.com I saw several support groups on that site. I joined one myself
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| Posted 3/24/15 8:23 PM |
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Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with OP this board has helped me through so much..
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| Posted 3/24/15 8:50 PM |
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PinkRoses828
LIF Zygote
Member since 3/15 37 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Posted by DWKS810
My doctor after my first miscarriage (when I said I knew I was so lucky to have one healthy kid and it must be so much harder for first time moms) said its a different kind of pain - because you really know what it is you've lost.
What a great insight. I found that the pain is also on behalf of the child that I have. I want my son to have a brother or sister so badly. I want him to have a playmate and co-conspirator and friend to last him through his life and after I'm gone. He's 4.5 already, and every month that goes by I stress out more and more about the age gap. That he won't have anything in common with his new sibling because they are just too far apart in age. So my heart aches for him and I feel like I'm letting him down. That I'm failing him on a very basic level.
Coupled with the guilt I feel over the miscarriage itself - that it was somehow my fault. That I let THAT baby down, too. Sigh. The guilt is strong with me, I know.
Sorry to ramble on and on... Can you tell WHY I'm in need of a support group, lol?
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| Posted 3/24/15 9:03 PM |
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NYCGirl80
I love my kiddies!
Member since 5/11 10413 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Posted by PinkRoses828
On the other hand, I don't want to follow bad money with bad money if IUIs don't have the success rate that IVF does. I'd rather just pay for an IVF and have a good outcome than pay for IUI after IUI. Maybe I'll start another thread, but I'd love to hear people's thoughts on Clomid vs IVF.
Going from unmedicated IUIs to IVF is a huge step. I'd try a few medicated cycles first. You tend to get a better O that way. I've had 2 or 3 follies for both rounds of IUIs that worked and only have singleton pregnancies.
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| Posted 3/25/15 8:24 AM |
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nycgirl
Angels!
Member since 3/09 7721 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Posted by NYCGirl80
Posted by PinkRoses828
On the other hand, I don't want to follow bad money with bad money if IUIs don't have the success rate that IVF does. I'd rather just pay for an IVF and have a good outcome than pay for IUI after IUI. Maybe I'll start another thread, but I'd love to hear people's thoughts on Clomid vs IVF.
Going from unmedicated IUIs to IVF is a huge step. I'd try a few medicated cycles first. You tend to get a better O that way. I've had 2 or 3 follies for both rounds of IUIs that worked and only have singleton pregnancies.
I agree with this advice. Unfortunately, with assisted repro technology, twins are always a potential (even with IVF with single embryo transfer, the embryo is more fragile due to being manipulated & can split). You have to be able to live with the fact that 2 is better than none.
Clomid out of pocket is super cheap. A family member got pregnant this way. I'd do maybe 2 cycles that way. To spend 4K on IUIs sounds like a lot (unless you did a ton of them or were having multiple IUI in one cycle). I'd work on the price with your RE. NEGOTIATE.
My injection IUI cycle is what made my IVF cycle work (I failed stim & they knew that a different regimen would be needed to first suppress me).
ETA: As for the support group: I'd look online in addition to the info given. I actually found my supportive person at my RE office (both of us already had a kid & could relate to each other very well). We text each other almost daily. Having been in both places, I could see that going to a support group with a child (yes, some people bring their kids due to lack of babysitting, not saying you personally would or would not), could really hurt those with primary infertility.
I had both primary & secondary infertility (I had a natural pregnancy inbetween). Primary did hurt ME a bit worse... I couldn't bear to LOOK at children as was very angry looking at young people not hovering over their children, or people with multiple children, or family members who got knocked up on the first month of having sex not using protection & deliver & have their kid hit a birthday before I got pregnant. I was very depressed... but that's not saying secondary doesn't suck.
Secondary makes me think that my body CAN do it, but I'm doing something wrong: food? working too hard? are my hormones broken? Am I THAT old? I've come to the conclusion that my body is confused (but, hey, here I am!).
Message edited 3/25/2015 9:26:15 AM.
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| Posted 3/25/15 9:19 AM |
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JDubs
different, not less
Member since 7/09 13160 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
This board is a great resource. I am sure there are other people dealing with secondary IF as well that may want to G2G. I wish you the best of luck!
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| Posted 3/25/15 9:25 AM |
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JAPH23
LIF Adolescent
Member since 10/13 769 total posts
Name:
:)
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
I just wanted to send you some hugs.
I am also dealing with secondary infertility. If i was still living in NY I would absolutely have met up with you.
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| Posted 3/25/15 9:35 AM |
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lululu
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 9511 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
I had secondary infertility after my first. Do you have any idea what is causing it? For us my husband had poor morphology. I knew what the numbers were for the IUIs and I knew our chances were very slim so we moved quickly to IVF. We were successful our first round. We had to pay out of pocket but financially we are very fortunate so it was not an issue. I feel like these procedures should be covered by insurance because these are medical problems.
I can totally relate to everything you are saying - I was really worried about the age gap, about my son being an only child. My mom's sisters are 7 and 12 years older than her and they are all super close though and always have been so try not to worry about it. I know plenty of people who are best friends with a sibling that's close in age and many that hate them! The difference in age will not define the lifelong relationship. It's only a short term thing.
After I did IVF for my daughter we knew we wanted a third so we started trying soon after. I got pregnant with my third on the first month of trying so my daughters are only 17 months apart. So you never know how things will work out.
Hang in there - I know that all of the unknowns are horrible. Secondary infertility is no picnic. I think as you mentioned it does have a very different set of issues than primary infertility thou so I can understand them not allowing you in the support group. I would definitely try to find others experiencing the same thing or who have experienced it.
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| Posted 3/25/15 4:57 PM |
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InShock
life is good
Member since 10/06 9258 total posts
Name:
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Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Secondary infertility is real and the struggle is just as significant as any other infertility. I'm shocked that someone who runs a support group would not be sensitive to that. I struggled for 3 years to have my second and had conceived my first without any trouble. It was the most excruciating time of my life. While my struggles weren't exactly the same as those who didn't already have a child, the emotional journey was just as painful. My yearning was not only for myself, but for my daughter as well - if not more so for her. I did finally give birth to my 2nd (after many trials and tribulations) and she is now 2.5 and there is no greater joy that I have than seeing my two together (they are just over 5 years apart). My point in all this rambling is to say don't ever let anyone diminish your journey. I wish you so much luck and if you ever need any support, feel free to FM me.
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| Posted 3/28/15 8:04 PM |
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TooSoontoTell
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/11 501 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
As someone with secondary IF myself, I would never expect a primary IF group would feel comfortable with me there. Nor would i want them to and I, having been there would never feel insulted. They cannot relate to you. You have a child, you are a mother, they do not know if they will ever be. I remember being there and as much as secondary IF hurts, i just would never expect to be consoled in a primary IF group. You definitely need a secondary IF support group, I just suffer alone but I certainly know a primary IF group is not the place for me to grieve.
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| Posted 3/28/15 10:09 PM |
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InShock
life is good
Member since 10/06 9258 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Posted by TooSoontoTell
As someone with secondary IF myself, I would never expect a primary IF group would feel comfortable with me there. Nor would i want them to and I, having been there would never feel insulted. They cannot relate to you. You have a child, you are a mother, they do not know if they will ever be. I remember being there and as much as secondary IF hurts, i just would never expect to be consoled in a primary IF group. You definitely need a secondary IF support group, I just suffer alone but I certainly know a primary IF group is not the place for me to grieve.
I respectfully disagree. I met with some very lovely ladies right here on this site who were experiencing primary infertility. While our individual journeys were different, we had plenty to discuss in terms of procedures, protocols, drugs, doctors, etc. No one ever (outrightly) begrudged me already having a child. Everyone has their own story, but the common denominator for all dealing with infertility is suffering in one way or another to conceive and bring a child into this world.
ETA: Of course, I was respectful and cognizant of the fact that there was a major difference between my situation and the others', and recognizing that was/is imperative.
Message edited 3/28/2015 11:30:36 PM.
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| Posted 3/28/15 11:23 PM |
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bookworm
Two Little Rosebuds
Member since 8/09 2106 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Posted by InShock
Secondary infertility is real and the struggle is just as significant as any other infertility. I'm shocked that someone who runs a support group would not be sensitive to that. I struggled for 3 years to have my second and had conceived my first without any trouble. It was the most excruciating time of my life. While my struggles weren't exactly the same as those who didn't already have a child, the emotional journey was just as painful. My yearning was not only for myself, but for my daughter as well - if not more so for her. I did finally give birth to my 2nd (after many trials and tribulations) and she is now 2.5 and there is no greater joy that I have than seeing my two together (they are just over 5 years apart). My point in all this rambling is to say don't ever let anyone diminish your journey. I wish you so much luck and if you ever need any support, feel free to FM me.
I really don't think a primary infertility group's hesitance to admit a member struggling with secondary infertility diminishes your journey at all. It's simply apples and oranges. I have, in my journey through primary infertility, found common ground with women struggling to have another child, of course, and have often empathized with how much more challenging going through treatment must be when you have a child at home who needs (1) a babysitter while you go for 9,000 appointments, and (2) needs you to be a mom and not fall apart as you're emotionally chewed up into little pieces while trying and failing. There's nothing insignificant about that struggle.
However (BIG however) as someone who actually belonged to a primary infertility support group, that mixing is not really appropriate. For the girls in my group, they were staring down the "will I ever be a mother fear" - heartbreaking, terrifying, and they were so thin-skinned that any secondary infertility patient's legitimate disclosure of how it feels to fail at giving her child a sibling would have totally triggered them and sent them off the deep end.
So what then? The secondary infertility survivor should tip-toe around sensitivities and not feel comfortable sharing so she can get what she needs? Or the primary infertility patient should come to support group so she can be triggered and upended by another woman's talk of motherhood. I respectfully disagree - the two are incompatible unless you can hand-pick (as you did online) specific women who are less raw and can connect with you. Perhaps this group does not have such a composition and the leader is trying to be sensitive to her members, whom she knows better than anyone on this thread does.
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| Posted 3/29/15 6:31 AM |
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lululu
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 9511 total posts
Name:
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Re: Denied by Support Group... I really needed this (existing child mentioned)
Posted by bookworm
However (BIG however) as someone who actually belonged to a primary infertility support group, that mixing is not really appropriate. For the girls in my group, they were staring down the "will I ever be a mother fear" - heartbreaking, terrifying, and they were so thin-skinned that any secondary infertility patient's legitimate disclosure of how it feels to fail at giving her child a sibling would have totally triggered them and sent them off the deep end.
I think you hit the nail on the head right here.
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| Posted 3/29/15 9:24 AM |
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