Dicsipline Issues

How do you handle other people disciplining your child? And how do you handle when someone else’s child needs discipline?

Here is the scenario that makes me ask this question:

Victoria had a fit when I told her NO to something and she smacked me in the face. I yelled at her with a firm voice and took her hand to nicely stroke my face and do “nice mommy”. Of course, this was the end of the world to Victoria being yelled at by Mommy and being told NO to something and she cried like I have never seen before, but I held my ground - stood firm and did not coddle her and told her she could cry but she will not hit. I will do whatever is necessary when she is of age to teach her to defend herself in proper situations, but hitting will not be tolerated by me. So while telling a family member this story, they proceed to tell me how they smacked a child when that child smacked their grandparent. I don’t think that is the answer. First – you are hitting a child while telling them they shouldn’t hit. How are they supposed to learn the correct lesson there?
Second – I don’t want anyone touching my child ESPECIALLY when I won’t be. I have made it clear over and over and over again even before I had children that I am against hitting. I actually thought I had beaten it into everyone’s head and would not have to worry about this. I am the one to offer tips on how to handle situations in other ways vs. hitting. But now I see some people just still don’t “get it”. I really thought I had made my feelings quite clear on this subject having been raised in a home where you got hit.
But the argument that a child shouldn’t hit someone and they will only learn by you smacking them back and seeing how it hurts actually became an argument with this family member. My thought is that person should have gone to the child’s parents to have them resolve the issue when it happened. So now I am upset that this member does not accept my views and it’s not like I can keep my child away, but now I am wondering if they would smack her if I wasn’t around.

How have you handled this type of situation?

Re: Dicsipline Issues

I agree with you that hitting your child while saying "no hitting" is ridiculous. I put mikayla in time out when she hits me, OUT OF ANGER...if she is mad that I said no and hits me, time out time

If she hits me to get my attention or something, I just say "no hitting, make nice to mommy" - that usually makes her cry more than time out.

I think other people need to respect you views when it comes to your child, period

Message edited 7/21/2008 4:13:33 PM.

Re: Dicsipline Issues

Posted by stephanief

I agree with you that hitting your child while saying "no hitting" is ridiculous. I put mikayla in time out when she hits me, OUT OF ANGER...if she is mad that I said no and hits me, time out time

If she hits me to get my attention or something, I just say "no hitting, make nice to mommy" - that usually makes her cry more than time out.

I think other people need to respect you views when it comes to your child, period

Re: Dicsipline Issues

my MIL was with us for a day and a half and felt like she had free reign for verbal dicsipling...

at disney, in june...josh did not want to leave some dinosaur dig...he throws himself down

mil says joshua get up now.

I give her a dirty look.

then she tells josh I bet no one at home ever talks to you like that.

I said no we don't and we won't start at disney while the kid is melting in the sun.

she did it 2 more times that day.

I know my kid. If he is hungry or tired, that's when he starts acting out. I would rather someone tell me, feed him or put him to sleep rather then telling him what to do.

josh is slap happy. he is off and on with it. ususally its just me he's slapping. once the dr caught him and told him to stop(he had just had a shot and wanted to leave)...I always tell him don't hit me...he completely gets it.

I think once they have words, the hitting will stop.

Re: Dicsipline Issues

Re: Dicsipline Issues

My SIL and I were just talking about this yesterday. My niece, who is almost 2, was playing near Benjamin and decided she wanted something he had so she walked over, pushed him over, and took it. My SIL was there as I took the toy back from my niece, told her no and to be nice and gave it back to DS. She and I both have the same views on disciplining our kids so I knew she would be okay with it. Had we not had that conversation, I would have talked to her then and there about how she would prefer to handle things that happen like that in the future. With 3 kids between us, so close in age, I'm sure it will happen in the future.

I go through this with Benjamin as well. When he's tired or cranky, he'll sometimes poke me in the eye or hit my face. I tell him no and tell him to be nice in the same manner as which you described with Victoria. When they are so young, that is all you can really do because they truly are too young to know better. To smack a child in the face because they smacked you does nothing but teach them reactive anger.

If anyone ever laid a hand on my child to discipline him, no matter what age he is, I think I would go ballistic on that person (not in front of DS). If another child tried to hit Benjamin, I'd take it up with that child's parent, not with the child. Again, I'm talking about when they are younger, not teenagers. Teenagers are a whole other conversation!

Message edited 7/21/2008 10:23:30 PM.

Re: Dicsipline Issues

Re: Dicsipline Issues

I HAVE NO PROBLEM with other people disciplining my child so long as they are not battering her in an abusive way. I am a firm believer in "it takes a village to raise a child" so maybe that is why it doesn't bother me.

Also, I am accustom to this kind of upbringing where anyone were allowed to discipline me.

Message edited 7/22/2008 10:04:10 AM.

Re: Dicsipline Issues

Posted by dooodles

Posted by stephanief

I agree with you that hitting your child while saying "no hitting" is ridiculous. I put mikayla in time out when she hits me, OUT OF ANGER...if she is mad that I said no and hits me, time out time

If she hits me to get my attention or something, I just say "no hitting, make nice to mommy" - that usually makes her cry more than time out.

I think other people need to respect you views when it comes to your child, period

Have you ever had an issue where someone else disciplined your child to the point where they did not ask your thoughts/views on how to handle things?

Re: Dicsipline Issues

I gave this issue some thought - we're not at that stage yet, but my views on hitting are as follows.

I'm OK with it, but ONLY in extreme circumstances - like the child is doing something that could seriously hurt them. And by hitting, I mean a smack on the hand or on the butt - never across the face, and never excessive.

And you can't hit every time the kid acts up. Eventually, kids will look at you with fear vs. respect, and that's not an ideal situation. And like someone said, it teaches that when you get angry, you hit. Not a good message.

As far as someone else hitting our kids go - no way. When I was growing up, the few times I did get hit, it was from my mother. No one else ever did it. For the family member you are having an issue with, I would reiterate your strong stance on it, and let them know that if they disagree with you and ignore your stance, and hit Victoria one day, future visits will be limited.

Re: Dicsipline Issues

Re: Dicsipline Issues

With my family - we have so many kids that if a parent is not in the room one of us will say "Do not take that from your cousin." - or "Do not speak to him like that" - things along the lines of that. I would never in a million years dream of laying a hand on one of them -- and I know that they would never in a million years do that to Jack.

If the child was so bad I would go and get the parent to do the hardcore parenting and discipline. They almost always remove the child from the room and situation -- and I'm not really sure what goes on after that!

ETA: My family is very big on discipline and as a result the kids are VERY well behaved. I do hope to be like that with Jack as well.

Message edited 7/22/2008 10:09:34 AM.

Re: Dicsipline Issues

Posted by Smileyd17

ITA,
and was brought up this way as well.

As you know Donna...my mom is also my daycare mom so DD has to get disciplined all day long!
She is also in the stage of hitting me back and ALL the time. Im having a hard time trying to make it stop
I wont tolerate that at all and let it continue.

Re: Dicsipline Issues

Posted by dooodles
It just really rubs me the wrong way that I am being made to feel like I am wrong for not wanting this person to do this. The discussion continued last night as well

Re: Dicsipline Issues

Message edited 7/22/2008 5:32:56 PM.