Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

I obsess over this almost everyday. I want my kids to have drive, determination, ambition, and an "edge" to them. I have it, but I know the reason WHY I have that internal drive is because I had to overcome some serious obstacles in my life, mostly, having a serious learning disorder, and being told by many teachers and peers that I was "stupid" and "lazy." As a result, I literally clawed my way to the top, trying to prove to everyone, including myself, that I wasn't stupid or lazy.

Same with DH - he grew up in Israel, which is a challenging environment to begin with, and he lost his father at a young age, which made him grow up quicker than most.

By comparison, I look at my brothers, who never faced a challenge in their lives. Everything was basically handed to them on a silver platter, and they never had to overcome any real, significant obstacles in their life. And the result? They are the laziest, non-achieving, selfish people I have ever known.

So, then I think about my own children - I spend so much time trying to give them the "ideal" life and childhood, but am I doing them a disservice? I don't wish trauma on my children, but by the same token, I feel like they live such charmed lives, never wanting for anything, surrounded by love, two parents who are in a solid marriage, etc. I LOVE that I can give them that kind of idyllic childhood experience, but at the same time, I fear that they will grow up too "soft" and won't have that same kind of internal drive and determination that we have because of what we went through in our own childhood.

Am I making sense? Does anyone else worry about this?

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

Nah.. I had a silver platter childhood and still had ridiculous amounts of drive and desire to be at the top.

I think being always told to do my best and making my parents proud were the incentives I needed to succeed. I didn't have personal obstacles to overcome, but it didn't weaken me.

That being said, I could have used a little hardship in my upbringing to be better at sharing and not being bossy

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

no. I think my kid is just going to be who he is and can only hope I teach him what he needs to learn without really thinking about it.

IMO- If you think about it too much, they're going to be high strung. Just be who you are and let them be who they are.

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

Yes, DH and I worry about this all the time.

We both have very similar backgrounds in that nothing was handed to us. In very different ways, we struggled and worked our way up to get where we are.

There is nothing that infuriates me more than to see 20-something year olds coming into the workplace with a sense of entitlement, or not ever having worked a real job in their lives.

People look at me like I have 2 heads when I say I want my kids to struggle a little, fend for themselves, and not be handed everything on a silver platter.

Their summers as teenagers will not be spent hanging out all day with their friends.

Even if we have the money to spoil them, we want to be very concious not to.

I see all these kids who go on vacations every year, mexico, the carribean, skiing, Disney, as if it was a given that you deserve to take a vacation every year.

I always think, as much as I want them to have a better life, and be able to provide for them, what happens if god forbid, when they are older, and we are not around, they can't fend for themselves?

It's definitely hard to find that happy medium between letting your children enjoying the fruits of your labor, and having a better life than you, and them being spoiled, and "soft"

Message edited 5/2/2011 10:37:25 AM.

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

I think the "edge" you are talking about comes from two main sources: parental expectations and the child's personality. Other things also shape it, sure; but I think those two are the most important. As a result, one doesn't need to have a learning disability or suffer a major loss at a young age to achieve that quality.

I know that my DH and I expect a lot from our children; right now most of that is proper behavior and respect for others and themselves. In the future those expectations will include academics, work AND the above. What worries me sometimes is overcoming potential personality "problems" like laziness, complacence, etc. Look at the situation with your own family...you were raised by the same people, yet your personalities led you down different paths. So, we do the best we can as parents and role-models and really what else is there?

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

Haven't really thought about it. Funny how my parents raised 3 kids and we're all different. Like you said... you were raised in the same family as your brothers and you are so much different.
I grew up pretty comfortable. Both my parents worked very hard and got paid for their hard work. That was inspiring to me. Both my parents weren't poor, but they are much more well off then they were when they were kids. My mom went back t school after I was born to get her accounting degree. My father skipped part of HS b/c he was exceptional with school that he started going to engineering school at a younger age.
Also, just b/c my parents did well didn't mean they totally spoiled us. We lived comfortably, but my parents also made us work in HS. They put money towards my car and I paid for gas, weekend money, etc
I think that helped teach me the value of money and working hard to earn it.
DH and I plan on doing the same with our children.
Also, the plan is to get involved in charities. We already decided one night of Hanukkah DS will pick out a gift to give to someone less fortunate than him.
Who knows what will become of him, but we only hope for the best

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

I don't think about it. My sisters and I were all raised the same way. Two of us have incredible drive and are (what I think is) very successful. The other is still soft to this day. I think you can help shape the people they become but in the end, they are going to follow their own path.

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

I think that comes from within.

if you think about it, for every kid that overcomes obstacles, there are the adults that decided to just quit.

I worry about similar things. but providing stability...a rock they can always know and come to depend on is what matters to me more than anything.

adversity can come in many forms. I will try my best to harness in him his ability to overcome them, and trumpet his drive and skills in doing so.

I will try not to hold his hand, BUT he will (I pray) always know that I have his back.

confidence can bolster drive IMO just as much as adversity.

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

I don't worry about it. To me, raising your child in a home where they have a wonderful, happy fulfilled childhood and surrounded by love and caring only HELPS to develop them into strong, confident, secure adults who will work hard and always strive to do their best. Overcoming obstacles and working hard to get where you are in life are admirable but just because your kids won't want for much doesn't necessarily mean they won't work hard or strive to be the best they can be throughout their life. You just have to teach them to have a good work ethic and encourage them to always do their best. In the meantime, give them the best childhood you can............you can't go wrong with surrounding them with love and setting a wonderful example of what a healthy relationship looks like. You're doing it all right!!............your kids will grow up just fine!!

Message edited 5/2/2011 11:26:21 AM.

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

I get what you’re saying 100%

I grew up fast for various dark reasons. My brother then had everything handed to him because he ‘played the game’ better than me. I became stubborn so very early. I stopped believing in people and ideas that I couldn’t justify myself.

My stubbornness made me who I am. The idea that I can DO anything if I truly put myself it became not just a challenge but a way of life. I didn’t ‘play the game’ like my brother did. I stuck with my gut right or wrong. I took on the challenges of life to do better and more and be happier. I was never satisfied by normal or ordinary.

End result, he’s mostly a lazy bum (but I love him) and I was the more driven one.

I see myself pushing AJ to make those same choices as me, the same thought processes. I always, immediately and sternly cut her off when she starts to whine. Life bites kiddo, stop crying and do something about it. I push her to get what she wants herself (as much as I can safely). I make her choose, I make her try and fail. I make her see success (learn from) her failures. Then I push for more. Everything, every day is a way to learn, grow and get more out of life.

I never let up. I push her to push herself. Some people find it hard what I do, some find it cute but strange. I don’t care. I want her to be self-sufficient, brave, curious, cautious and observant. Biggest difference is, win or fail, I ALWAYS love her and let her know it. I pour my love on her accomplishments (even in failure).

I know she watches EVERYTHING (thankfully gets that from her dad) but she also tries everything (me). We both know this and we watch her and let her try anything, everything she wants (with our definition of safety). And we also cut her off and shut her down when she gets lazy or whines. We use positive reinforcement for behavior we want or desire.

No matter what I hope she’s happy in life. I just hope I can show her that she, herself holds the tools to so many great things. While she’s young I want her to learn to dig deep and aim high. Never too young for that!

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

People are posting great responses.
It's not something I overthink really; I just know far too many "successful" people who are misery mongers kwim?
A balance. Moderation. Life skills. A tolerance for frustration. Self-esteem. A little humility and a dose of compassion. Those are all I hope to "grow" in my child's character while weeding out the lesser stuff.

I want him to be happy. And to really know what makes him happy.

I worry about drugs, and drinking, and lousy friends who get him into trouble, and him being on VH1's 16 and pregnant.

Character isn't really inborn, or given at a moment in time. It's carved out on the anvil of experience and there's just no shortcut to that.

Re: Do you ever worry that your kids are too "soft?"

Posted by colette

People are posting great responses.
It's not something I overthink really; I just know far too many "successful" people who are misery mongers kwim?
A balance. Moderation. Life skills. A tolerance for frustration. Self-esteem. A little humility and a dose of compassion. Those are all I hope to "grow" in my child's character while weeding out the lesser stuff.

I want him to be happy. And to really know what makes him happy.

I worry about drugs, and drinking, and lousy friends who get him into trouble, and him being on VH1's 16 and pregnant.

Character isn't really inborn, or given at a moment in time. It's carved out on the anvil of experience and there's just no shortcut to that.