do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

like trying to be a perfect wife, having the house spic and span, being the good daughter in law, babying the husband, cooking, baking, working, shopping to fill voids in your life?

i'm trying to curb the shopping though, since fertility treatments are so costly already

and when i pass by the baby sections, i look at the little shoes wistfully... this past weekend, i almost bought a pair of cute baby shoes and then stopped myself

if i bought those shoes, they'd be in my room, i'd look at them, and it would be a reminder of what's missing in my life

and the sad part of this whole thing is, my eggs are faulty, i will never have my own kids and i will die without a trace of myself anywhere in this world...

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Message edited 9/17/2008 6:44:06 AM.

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Posted by Bxgell2

Posted by resigned
and the sad part of this whole thing is, my eggs are faulty, i will never have my own kids and i will die without a trace of myself anywhere in this world...

I really do believe that it doesn't have to be your own genetic material to make your mark on this world. You will have a child, one way or another, and even if isn't from your own egg, your legacy will live on through the memories that you make with your child, the impact you make on his/her life, and the kind of person you raise him/her to be - that, I think, supercedes everything

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Posted by Bxgell2

Posted by resigned
and the sad part of this whole thing is, my eggs are faulty, i will never have my own kids and i will die without a trace of myself anywhere in this world...

I really do believe that it doesn't have to be your own genetic material to make your mark on this world. You will have a child, one way or another, and even if isn't from your own egg, your legacy will live on through the memories that you make with your child, the impact you make on his/her life, and the kind of person you raise him/her to be - that, I think, supercedes everything

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Posted by Bxgell2

Posted by resigned
and the sad part of this whole thing is, my eggs are faulty, i will never have my own kids and i will die without a trace of myself anywhere in this world...

I really do believe that it doesn't have to be your own genetic material to make your mark on this world. You will have a child, one way or another, and even if isn't from your own egg, your legacy will live on through the memories that you make with your child, the impact you make on his/her life, and the kind of person you raise him/her to be - that, I think, supercedes everything

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

I find myself giving my everything to my niece, nephew, husband and pups.

I too, will never have my own, but little by little coming to terms with it.

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

I don't overcompensate, but I have a hard time saying no to myself sometimes... I "deserve" this for what we're going through...

Your legacy does not have to be genetic. Just try to leave the world a better place than you found it.

NURTURE not nature.

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

As someone who is facing the fate of having to use a donor egg at 25 years of age. I too feel the same way you do about not having a genetic link.



I kills me to hear everyon say that it does not matter, but deep down inside I don't think a day will go by that I don't feel cheated in some way.

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

thank u ladies for the kind messages, i realize all those things you tell me, but it's still hard not to mourn the loss of your genetic history

i am not the kind of person who wallows in self pity, but sometimes i can't help it, and i know all of you will agree with me on that

it all seems very unfair, i see women who microwave their babies, abuse their kids, murder their kids, and yet they CAN have their own kids, and here we are, some of us.... we'd make great parents, but we can't have our own

what a cruel joke God plays on us

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

For me, I just wanted to be a mom....I was lucky that it only took 5 years, 1 surgery, 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs to become one, but not a day goes by that I don't think, "It would be great to have another child"

I would have adopted or used donor eggs.

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

(wow this got long- sorry)

I am probably on the other end of the spectrum lately... and it's driving me crazy. My DH and I went grocery shopping tonight and I told him I am so overwhelmed in my own life right now. Nothing is right... everything seems to be falling apart and I'm kind of walking around in this fog of nothingness (is that a word?-lol) because I don't know how to fix it, or if I know how, can't.
I am far from the perfect wife, and feel guilty about it, yet don't to anything to fix it and then get mad at myself- I strive to always be the perfect aunt, but I have loved my niece and nephews as my own since they were born, some of whom were long before our IF issues... so I don't know that I even try anymore- I just love them and show them that as often as possible.
I never tried to be the perfect DIL, but was from what I'm told, and my SIL resents me for it. Lately though, I've just retreated into my own little world,- it's how I deal w/ things I guess, or think I do anyway.
Cleaning the house spic and span? What's that? I'll be honest- I'm TERRIBLE at it- and it doesn't help that we live in a small cottage and with my business I constantly have 'stuff' around, especially for my upcoming fairs and the holiday season... but I am very fortunate to have a DH who doesn't find that very important and between the 2 of us we manage to keep the place fine enough...
I used to shop way too much and have forced myself to curb that lately- though I think it helps that I don't feel like facing the world, therefore I don't go out as much, though as a PP said sometimes I 'deserve' certain things with all that I'm going through...
I think I'm the opposite of a lot of ppl, if I see something baby/child related that I absolutely LOVE, and know that it won't be around when we have our kids (yes, tonight is an "we're def. going to have children" night- let's see what tomorrow brings ... I won't think twice about buying it. The things that I've bought go into boxes and I know what they are and where they are- and someday we'll use them. It doesn't sadden me to have them and I'm not superstitious about them, and it doesn't go against my religious beliefs. And if we don't have kids, I know that I would choose to donate them to the church or someone who couldn't afford them, and at least I'd know that I'd be making a difference in some child's life, even if not my own.
My DH is adopted. My ILs love him and his siblings as their own and when I've asked my DH about his 'birthparents' he has NO desire to meet them or know them- my ILs are his parents. He is as much a member of the family as his cousins who are 'blood' related.... and our kids will be as much as well, whether adopted or not.

Message edited 9/17/2008 10:07:00 PM.

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

I learned a few years ago when my Brother passed away suddenly at age 43 leaving behind his wife and 3 girls (one who was only 2 months at the time) that bad things happen to good people. For whatever reason there is no rhyme or reason for it. Life works the way it works.

I also think often that w/ DE that I would stop here and I dont' go on etc... Been trying to get my hands around the idea too. So, I started to read the DE boards. And it helped me think maybe it wont be so bad. And I like the idea that you can select the person (though probably the more picky the longer the process), you get to experience the pregnancy and the birth and on that certificate it is your name. And maybe if no one told you any different, you wouldn't really know. Anyway, that has been my thinking recently. As I embark on our last IVF tonight with our eggs. I pray this works. But, I am darn happy I have other options still. Whew this is long.


I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, i lost a brother too at a young age

i'm actually in the same situation as you, we're going to be trying one last time in October, with my own eggs, hoping against hope that maybe one will be normal, but it's very unlikely, i'ts a lot of money but it'll seal the deal with me, if it fails, at least i'll know i tried two cycles with my own eggs and we won't waste time with them.... and can go on to Donor eggs...

so i wish you lots of luck and prayers for your IVF cycle!

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Mrs. Messina,

that post was very inspiring, thank you, you're very positive...wish some of that rubs off on me these days

and maybe i will get all those cute baby items i want to, u're absolutely right, u can always donate them to people in need

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)

WARNING - CHILD MENTIONED
Sorry this got longer than I expected


Many hugs to you


I just wanted to add something here as a mom who adopted a little girl. We knew we were going to have issued getting pg. Both have issues. We tried 2 IUI's. While doing that we were reading up on adoption, specifically for us, China adoptions. I was in the office for the third IUI blood work, reading an adoption book, and decided then and there that my baby was in China and I needed to go get her. I have never looked back and never for one nanosecond questioned that decision. My daughter IS ME. Scares my husband how much we are alike. I could not love this angel any more than I do. I would give my life up for her if I had to. She is as much a part of my family as anyone else is. I called my sister in the spring and said I thought my daughter might have allergies and she said "she probably does, it runs in the family".. I had to remind her, she's does not have the same genes we do. There is no one in my family who thinks of my daughter as adopted, she just is my daughter, their grandchild, cousin and niece.

Re: do you find yourself overcompensating for your failure to conceive? (this post is a downer so if u're feeling bad already stop right here)