Ds obsessed with death

Ds is 6 yrs old and in 1st grade. Lately he's been upset with people dying, namely myself and dh. Just now for example, he snuggled up to me as I was tucking him in and suddenly tearing and choking up says "I don't want you to die before me, not even when you're 100, please promise me you won't grow up mommy". Before I didn't know how to explain death to him or when people die, so I wouldn't say bc they get "sick", bc I wouldn't want him to think anytime someone is sick, they are going to die. I wouldn't say God takes them, or they are old, so I would just say "bc very very old". idk. I don't think he's ready to really talk about it, so of course in my head I just want to protect him from thinking I'm going to die! So I just say "don't worry, mommy is staying with you". I'm sure that's not right, but he's still my baby, my only child and I have no idea how to talk to him about it. Fil passed away last August and he was at the wake and funeral and took it well. Kept saying "grandpa is in heaven" and that the wake and funeral was grandpa's becoming an angel party. I'm sure dh is mostly to blame for putting in his head all about death and God and heaven when fil passed away but ds wasn't ready to hear all of that at 5 yrs old and now it's all he thinks about. Our puppy also passed away a couple of yrs ago suddenly and now he thinks of it alot, whereas then he didn't. Ugh I know I'm rambling but it breaks my heart to hear him say he is scared of being alone if dh and I die. Dh wants to say "you'll never be alone, someone will always take care of you" but I want to say "no! don't worry, we are here always". Not realistic I know, but he's too young to think like that. Thoughts??

Re: Ds obsessed with death

DS is 8 and I think he still doesn't understand the concept of death (a year ago, for some reason, we talked about the time I had to go to the ER and he asked me if I had died at that time i.e) … But me nephew used to worry like your DS about that topic. What my sister told my nephew, was that she was doing everything possible to stay healthy to be here a long time by eating well, exercising, etc.

I know it can be heart breaking

Re: Ds obsessed with death

My son is 6 & started talking like this last year. He also was fine when his greatgrandparents passed away & even had a fish that died a few years ago. He didn't seem the least bit phased by until last year, where he would cry about it out of nowhere.

Like you, I tell him that i'm not going anywhere but then I also try to distract him with jokes to get him to laugh. For example, i will tell him, sorry kid but you're stuck with me forever or that when i'm very old, he will also be an old man & we can't do piggyback rides when we're that old. I kind of just make it silly

Message edited 2/27/2014 10:27:51 AM.

Re: Ds obsessed with death

I think its normal for some extent. My 5 yo has been asking some questions about death. Just the other day after reading about Goerge Washington she asked me if he was dead. I told her yes, he was a very old man who died. She then asked me if she was going to die one day. That was hard to answer b.c I didn't want to frighten her. So I kept saying, very old old people die. Then I tried to change the subject. I wasn't sure of the best way to answer either. Its difficult.

oh just recalled also...A few mths back she started asking if I would die, or my DH would die. I told her we weren't going anywhere but yes, some parents can die but it usually does not happen.

Message edited 2/27/2014 10:57:51 AM.

Re: Ds obsessed with death

DH is a Buddhist, and I practice Buddhism a little

We have talked about death with DS since he was old enough to talk and have conversations.

Nothing morbid, just how it is a part of the cycle of life. We believe in the Buddhist perspective of rebirth, so DS was raised believing that death is a part of the soul's journey and you always get to be reborn as something else. We have taught him our brains don't remember our past lives but our souls do, and if you listen carefully sometimes you can hear it reminding you. He also has been taught that everyone in this life who he loves he gets to meet again.

That being said, he is becoming more aware of the permanence of death and that it is sad. His grandfather died last fall. It helps having this foundation to dialogue from though...

Re: Ds obsessed with death

We've had the opposite. When DS is very angry with us he will say things like "I want to kill you" or "I hope you die." At first it was heart wrenching but I honestly don't think he has a concept of what it means (especially after talking to some other parents and teachers) and think he just wants us out of his space for the moment. I've only noticed statements like this since being in school too. He's 5/in Pre K.

Message edited 3/2/2014 8:22:00 AM.

Re: Ds obsessed with death

Thanks for all the responses. I just feel bad because he literally gets sad and upset and cries when he starts thinking if I die and he'll never see me again so I resort to the lying and "I'm not going anywhere don't worry" or distract him and try to get him happy until he's older enough to really understand kwim?

Re: Ds obsessed with death

Ds obsessed with death

Dd is 6 and tonight had a complete meltdown about dying and not wanting too..it was so hard to try and comfort her made me do sad..unfortunately the subject is every where, Disney movies she watches and now in her first tear in religion she us thinking about it do much

Re: Ds obsessed with death

What a hard thing to deal with, I'm sorry

I remember when I was about that age, someone's grandparent died from my class and it was the first time I questioned death.

It quickly became a paralyzing fear for me especially when my parents could not answer the main question about it for me... "What happens after?"

I cried every day and lived in fear for a long time and I remember my mom trying to comfort me but what finally helped was talking to a priest about it.

Since he was 100% sure of what happens in the afterlife from his point of view, he made me feel sure about it all.

I still will get a 10 second panic attack if I think too long about death, it is still one of my biggest fears, but it could be an answer for your child.

Hope this helps

Message edited 3/4/2014 1:37:43 PM.

Ds obsessed with death

The worst part (or maybe the best ) about being married to a Buddhist (my dh became full on. Goes to a Buddhist temple every Sunday, prays and meditates twice a day) is that reflecting on death is a huge part of the practice. Because whatever your state of mind at death is connects to where you are reborn. A very close friend of ours died last year from cancer and dh was so changed by how peaceful he was (he practiced the same sect of Buddhism). He died in meditation and that's when DH went deeper into his faith. He explains his practice is like training for a marathon (only for death)

Because of him, and because of recent deaths in our lives, I feel DS is surrounded by this awareness but it's not completely negative. He has his moments where he thinks too much about it (as do I!!!) and it's scary.

But when he wants to discuss it, I emphasize that our lives are gifts and we have to enjoy it, but dying is only sad to people who miss you. We aren't the Addams family where it's always discussed, but we try to keep the topic open and approachable.

I went through a similar paralyzing awareness at around the same age and I never got over it. But being forced to discuss this topic peacefully with DS has been very healing for me, and DH's faith has helped as well.

I believe religion exists because everyone freaks out about their deaths. After the age of 5, kids become more aware of the big picture of life and that's when all this stuff comes into their line of vision.

Heavy stuff.

Message edited 3/12/2014 8:49:45 AM.