Feel a little silly even posting here

Hi Ladies,

I'm posting under a new name bc I am slightly embarassed to even be feeling so sad about this. I just had an early miscarriage at not even 5 weeks. Basically, I found out I was pregnant and then days later, I started bleeding.

A little background: DH and I tried for over a year to get pregnant with our first baby. We had a successful IUI the first time around and our beautiful daughter is just turning 2. We originally hadn't planned on going for a second until after the summer, but last month we had a discussion that we would stop "being careful" and if we got a little surprise between now and September (when we wanted to start "trying" again) then that would be great. I always felt like I was cheated out of that experience of "Surprise, I'm pregnant" because I had to seek help. Imagine my surprise when my period was days late and I got 2 positive pregnancy tests. I just couldn't believe that after all I went thru for DD, that we somehow did it on our own, the first month of being "casual".
I had such a mix of emotions but overall, DH and I were both excited. I started spotting a couple of days later and my dr. said it was normal and if it didn't stop in a few days to come in for a blood test. It was still too early to really do more than that. I took 2 more pregnancy tests in that time to be sure I wasn't mistaken and both came up positive. However, yesterday morning I woke up to cramping and full on bleeding. I saw the doctor and he did a sono and an exam and determined I was in fact having an early miscarriage. . I pretty much already knew that but still, it was all I could do to not burst into tears right there on the table. He assured me it was nothing I did to cause it and that it's very common and that it doesn't mean I will have problems in the future. But still, I can't help feeling so angry. I wish I had never even known I was pregnant. I feel like this was such a slap in the face. And to top it off, I feel like I don't even have a right to be that upset given the short amount of time. But even in less than a weeks time, DH and I had already mapped out a whole new life in our minds as a family of 4.
Yesterday was hard and I thought it would get easier but today I feel so empty and sad and cheated. And now I am scared about this happening again and wondering if I will be able to relax when and if I ever get pregnant again. And then I'm questioning if maybe i'm better off not getting pregnant on my own bc at least with the IUI, the RE is able to sort out all of the "bad stuff" in DH's sample.
I guess I'm just looking for some feedback and support from others who have had losses. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for people who are further along. This is such a painful thing to go through mentally and emotionally.

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

Lots & lots of hugs to you!!

I had a mc at 11 weeks and it was the single most difficult thing I have EVER been through. And it doesn't matter if you were 5 weeks, 6 weeks, etc - it hurts just as much. A loss is a loss.

I think the second we get that BFP, our minds go right into baby mode. We can't help it, it's instinctual. And when that is taken from us, it's the cruelest thing in the world. It's just not fair.

Let yourself grieve...and post on here as much as you want/need to. I don't know what I would have done without these girls on this board.

Feel a little silly even posting here

Everything Stacey said. The best thing to do is give yourself time. It's so hard to do this at this point, but silver linings : you got pregnant on your own this time, means it can happen again!

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

I just went through the same thing and me and DH were hot messes!!!! It's totally okay to mourn.. although early, you still created something! Try to stay positive and look forward. I know it is so hard.. I'm def not telling DH immediately this go and am still so nervous about trying again but I am going for it.. Will wait until after the second beta just in case. He was so torn up about it

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

Give yourself time as everyone has said and you're ok to feel whatever you want to feel - and it will change, up and down daily.

I'm sorta similar to you in that my DS was conceived after almost 2 years with iui. Then when we weren't getting pg again - we did iuis and finally got pg on fifth one - I miscarried at 8.5 weeks - it was awful. Like you said, the most cruelest thing that you can ever imagine. THat was only 1 month ago and I've been through so many emotions (I also had to have 2 d&cs so things were a little different and caused my emotions to change more rapidly). Anyone, the fact you got pg on your own is great, esp. having gone through fertility first time - so remember that and you'll go on to be pregnant again and have a healthy baby - I know I'll be paranoid too next time, but someone else on here in another post said you just take it day by day.. hang in there.

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I'm finding that as long as I keep busy and have company around me I'm fine. It's when I am alone that I can't stop from crying. (Figures DH had to work late tonight).

I've been reading some of the other posts on here and I didn't realize that I had to wait for AF to come after I stop bleeding from this pregnancy. I just assumed that this was my AF for the month. I know I said we weren't really trying just yet, but now after this, I am so sure that I want another baby. I hope that my cycle goes back to normal quickly.

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

I am so sorry for your loss... I have had three losses, one I found out at 10 weeks...the other at 14 and the last at 7 weeks and they were all incredibly painful. I have to say my first Mc was like you say a slap in the face. I was incredulous...and seriously thought that this could not be happening to me. Its perfectly normal to feel the way you do and to feel cheated. I still cry about my losses and its 2 years since my first MC..I feel cheated out of my 3rd child and feel like I should be chasing after a toddler right now instead of sitting here wondering if its all over for me.

Its a journey and sometimes a very painfully isolating experience. Take as much time as you need. Grieve. You planned the life of this baby when you got your BFP and then it was taken away from you so its shocking.

This is a great board for advice and sometimes just to vent.

I wish you peace and be kind to yourself

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss I've had 3 miscarriages this year. One at 4 weeks, one at 5 weeks and the last one at 6w4d. All of them were extremely difficult for me. I still cry out of no where. It's definitely not fair and hard. I hope it gets better with time

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

Posted by jellybean78

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss I've had 3 miscarriages this year. One at 4 weeks, one at 5 weeks and the last one at 6w4d. All of them were extremely difficult for me. I still cry out of no where. It's definitely not fair and hard. I hope it gets better with time

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

Posted by urmysunshine

Posted by jellybean78

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss I've had 3 miscarriages this year. One at 4 weeks, one at 5 weeks and the last one at 6w4d. All of them were extremely difficult for me. I still cry out of no where. It's definitely not fair and hard. I hope it gets better with time

Oh my. So sorry Has your doctor shed any light on why this keeps happening to you?

Feel a little silly even posting here

I am so sorry for your loss. I recently had a loss and it hurts and I don't stop thinking about it. I do try to keep myself focused on the future and keep myself occupied on things that I like to do.

Re: Feel a little silly even posting here

I am pretty sure I am having a chemical (tested bfp yesterday but the lines got a lot lighter today, although af still isn't here yet) and even though its super early it's still heartbreaking. And I found out about 3 new pregnancies this week and had about 10 different people ask when I would be pregnant again which makes things difficult too. I was so happy and excited and it was all ripped away...

I feel like I am taking it a lot harder than dh too