Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

Hi everyone,

My DS Benjamin is now 9 days old. Like most other mom's and dad's, the first two nights we had with him were a very difficult adjustment. He was up all night, both nights. With a LOT of help from my MIL, we made it through the past 9 days.

The issue is me. Since bringing him home, I've felt very disconnected at times and break down crying hysterically for no real reason. I seem to be focusing on the negatives (what if he gets sick, what if something happens to my DH and we're left alone, why didn't I feel an immediate connection to my baby?). The thing is, it's not like me at all to be a negative person or to worry so much about things. I know it's an enormous responsibility to be a parent and, rationally, I know these feelings should pass. When I'm in my down phase, it seems like it will be that way forever. Not rational, I know.

DH has been phenomenal. He is great with DS and has been taking care of me at times. He goes back to work on Monday and I'm terrified of being alone with our son. My MIL is going to come over for a few hours on Monday and Tuesday which I'm extremely grateful for. I don't think I'm depressed because I can get out of bed, take a shower, feed and play with out son, take care of the house, etc. Sometimes it feels like I'm just playing at being a mom and not like this is now reality. I feel so weak and I always thought I was a strong person. Why am I afraid to be by myself with our son?

For the past 4 1/2 years, the focus has been on our careers, projects around the house and then our wedding. We've been married since November and knew we wanted children right away so our DS was planned and not a surprise. I sometimes find myself very sad at the fact that our life will never be like it was before, even though I should be looking forward to how much better our life is now and will be in the future.

Please don't get me wrong. I do feel a connection to our son now. I am overwhelmed at the enormity of everything and just want to feel like myself again.

I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm asking for exactly. Maybe just reassurance that this is normal, I'm not crazy and it will get better.

Thanks for listening.

Message edited 6/29/2007 8:34:30 PM.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

I thnk this is normal.. dont be so hard n yourself the first few weeks are the hardest!

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

i am not a psychologist by any means but it sounds to me like you may be suffering from a bit of post partum depression.. it's completely normal to feel this way as your hormones are getting back to normal.. i suffered with each of my kids with pp depression.. talk to someone it helps..
btw, it DOES get better i promise!

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

It's totally normal what you are going through
Even with a planned pg, your life changes so fast sometimes it feels like you can't hold on when that baby comes.

It also sounds of the the baby blues, totally normal too-your hormones are cycling out-just keep an eye out, if you arent' feeling better soon, please reach out for help

it will get easier, I promise you
when you guys get into a groove. For us, the 1st month was the hardest

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

What you are feeling is totally normal. Your hormones are so out of whack that your moods are all over the place. I, too, felt like you do. I loved my DD but felt disconnected from her. There were times I didn't want to take care of her, I just wanted to sleep and take care of myself. Sounds selfish, but that is how I felt. My DH was great also. He pitched in and let me recover. The transition was so hard. I think I cried everynight for a month. So to make a long story short, I know exactly how you are feeling!

The first few weeks are the hardest, but it will get better.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

I think u should def tt your gyno--I am thinking you have some post partum depression. They can def help u--with a anti-depressant until your hormones go back.
In the meantime and even after u tt your doc==always try to shower and do something for yourself--u will be surprised how much better u feel after u force yourself to do it.
When your hubby comes home leave for at least** a half hour--go do your nails--get a coffee---do anything to get out and get a break. its vimp....
Call everyone u know and invite them to see the baby--u will have company and help! and adult convo! it will work trust me!
and really really please tt your doc.
I do know how u feel about the disconnected feeling mine was from other reasons..(being knocked out and not seeing her for 2 days) u then carry guilt for kind of feeling like that.
It happens alot--don't be upset.
sometimes u think its like a part of u died when u go from career to mom--but its not!
its a new beginning! if u ever ever need to talk--fm me! I will call u immed!!!!!!
and heck! Ii will come for coffee!!

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

I could not get used to the fact that I was somebody's mother for months....so don't feel bad that your not used to it in 9 days

It is only natural to mourn the life you did have b/c it is true, you can never go back....but your not alone in being sad that that life is over...I am pretty sure every mom here has missed their old life at some point or other

But that being said having a child really does bring some wonderful changes to your new life....and it only gets better. If you do continue to feel down talk to your doctor about your feelings....I did not have PPD but did have some feelings of sadness in the beginning...it is alot to get used to....but what a wonderful thing to get used to

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

Having a baby IS a major life change. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Your hormones are all out of whack and you're feeling overwhelmed with all the changes. You may want to mention to your ob the feelings your experiencing. Good luck...

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

AAAHHHH, You are totally normal. We have all been through this. When I had DD, I din't have that connection right away. It took a little while. This is the hardest thing you have ever done, and probably ever will do. There is no way to ever really be prepared for this.

You are kind of shell-shocked or in a daze right now. It's all about the baby- eating, sleeping,etc.. It will change. Once you get into a routine, everything will fall into place.

Take all of the help that you can. Get out during the day with the baby, go for walks, or even have lunch at an outdoor restaurant.

As soon as your ped says that you can take the baby in public- join a group...a Moms Club, Gymboree,etc. Call the hospital where you gave birth and see if they offer a New Moms group. Good Sam did and it was wonderful. We all still keep in touch 3 years later.

As for your new fears...perfectly normal. I still have those fears. My Mom says that new Moms feel this way, because for the first time you are worried about your own mortality, because you have this beautiful new life that is totally dependent on you.

Congrats on your baby- you will be fine!

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

Thank you so much ladies. I feel so isolated and alone, even though I'm not. I know DH has to go back to work but he's been home for almost 2 weeks and it's comforting to have him in the house, even if he's in his office working and I'm taking care of DS.

Never in my life have I had a problem being alone. It makes zero sense that it would be a problem now. Maybe I need to stop trying to make sense of how I'm feeling and just realize it's par for the course.

I've read about the baby blues and think how I'm feeling fits the profile. My doctor spoke to DH and I about PPD before she discharged me from the hospital so DH is keeping his eyes wide open. She also gave me the number for a support group, just in case.

It helps a lot to hear I'm not alone or crazy, even though I knew it.

This has got to get easier to handle soon.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

To me, this sounds completely normal... i was a major hormonal mess after I had DD and what you are saying here I could've written. I was so afrraid I wasn't going to be "normal me" again- I just felt so "wacked out" in my brain- but I'd say after about 2 1/2-3 weeks I was myself...
i know it's scary to be by yourself- i felt the same way when dH had to go back to work- but you can do it.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

This sounds more like the baby blues, I had it too....I cried for like a week straight...worrying about all the "what-if's"...it does get better, hang in there

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

It's normal. I think I didn't have PPD (or that I know) and I can relate with some of your feelings. The first weeks are so hard. It'll get better

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. I had the baby blues with both my boys at around 7-10 days pp.
With my first, it was extremely hard on me because I had no help what so ever. The only help I had was from DH and when he went back to work at 2 wks I was left alone. It was extremely hard and I felt as if I wasn't going to be able to handle it. But, you know what?...something kicks in. I knew what he needed, when he needed it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. You will soon get into a routine and everything will just come in to place. Everything is going to be ok. You'll see. Just take it one day at a time. You are not alone, some of us mommies went through the same thing.
Don't worry about the what "ifs", you will wear yourself out.
Hang in there

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

You sound like a very normal, first time mommy. You have to let your body return to it's normal balance in terms of hormones. Until it happens, you'll probably be a bit of a mess, not to mention that it's just overwhelming on its own to be a new mom. It's isolating and scary, and you feel like you'll never master it. But you will. In a few months, you'll look back and see how far you've come.
If you continue to feel this way for a few weeks, then I'd suggest calling your ob/gyn and discussion post partum depression.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

totally normal. It is completely overwhelming. I also remember being so tired that all rational thinking and reasoning went out the window.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

Your totally normal. Its scary to feel those things. I even try to "block them out" when I have those feelings, because you know deep inside they are not rational and not truth but they come on strong.

Sleep deprivation gets to you too. Sometimes I mourn the loss of the couple we were, now that we are a family and it will never change. And sometimes I just want to walk around the house and not worry about leaving the baby alone....

It comes and goes and everyone has assured me it gets better and I hold onto that.

Once the baby is sleeping more, smiling at you etc, it will get better.

BUT.....you are not alone.

I was SCARED TO DEATH when DH had to go back to work. I made it and so will you.

Hang in there!

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

Thank you so very much ladies. Your encouragement and support is making it better. I'm working on being more positive and realizing it's okay to feel how I'm feeling, within reason.

I appreciate you all so very much.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

I think one of the hardest things about being a first time mom is that all the anticipation about setting up the room, buying cute clothes, and picking out names....we forget to think about how hard it really is. So when the time come to take the baby home, wow, it is a dose of unanticipated reality.

What you are feeling is completely normal. In a moments time you go from having to take care of yourself to being 100% responsible for the well-being of a newborn baby. Its hard, both emotionally and physically. BUT...it does get so much easier and fun and you will be filled with more pride and love than you ever could have imagined. Soon you will get a first smile and then a laugh and it will melt your heart.

Keep leaning on DH and MIL for their help, even if its help that you need for yourself and not the baby. Go out for a cup of coffee when MIL comes by this week. Even just 1/2 hour can be so refreshing. I remember going to the grocery store for the first time by myself after my son was born was like going to a spa! It was refreshing to have time to myself, even if I was there to pick up diapers.

ANd remember not to be afraid to call your doc if the baby blues don't go away in a few weeks. They are there to help you.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

Posted by lastchance1222

I think u should def tt your gyno--I am thinking you have some post partum depression. They can def help u--with a anti-depressant until your hormones go back.
In the meantime and even after u tt your doc==always try to shower and do something for yourself--u will be surprised how much better u feel after u force yourself to do it.
When your hubby comes home leave for at least** a half hour--go do your nails--get a coffee---do anything to get out and get a break. its vimp....
Call everyone u know and invite them to see the baby--u will have company and help! and adult convo! it will work trust me!
and really really please tt your doc.
I do know how u feel about the disconnected feeling mine was from other reasons..(being knocked out and not seeing her for 2 days) u then carry guilt for kind of feeling like that.
It happens alot--don't be upset.
sometimes u think its like a part of u died when u go from career to mom--but its not!
its a new beginning! if u ever ever need to talk--fm me! I will call u immed!!!!!!
and heck! Ii will come for coffee!!

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

What you are feeling is totally normal. I too had some PPD. It wasnt extreme at all, but I felt the same way as you did. I still have my moments where I still get upset that we will never have our life, the way it used to be.

I love my DD so much and couldnt imagine life without her, but having a baby has to be the most challenging thing I have ever done, and im sure its the same for every mom out there. After a long day (when she goes to bed) I just cant wait to get an hour or so of me time. Everything will fall into place and you will feel better and you will get more sleep. Getting sleep helps soo much with feeling better.

I too was so nervous when DH went to work. I cried so much that first day. I didnt want to be by myself at all. But here I am 5 months later and so far so good.

Dont hesitate to get meds if you need it. My doc. prescribed Lexapro, and it has worked wonders especially with anxiety. It worked so well, that im still on it. Just hang in there it gets better. Thats what everyone told me and its true.

If you need someone to talk to FM me.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

Totally normal -- I felt the same way the first few days. DH took an extra day off work because I just couldn't face taking care of the baby alone yet.

It gets better -- hang in there....

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

I definitely remember being where you are. It will get better. I had DD in November so it was so hard being stuck inside with her for months. There were days that I didn't leave the apartment at all. I used to cry all the time in beginning. The sleep deprivation was a major issue for me. I love my sleep. It will get better. For me it got so much better when DD & I developed a routine. Just give yourself some time to adjust. It is such a huge life changing event. You are not crazy!!

ETA: someone mentioned the new moms group. I joined one at the hospital DD was delivered in and it was the BEST thing I ever did. It was so incredibly helpful.

Message edited 6/30/2007 9:11:38 PM.

Re: Feeling down and somewhat confused...Need advice...(Long)

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. I have the same feeling with baby # 2. Try to have family and friends come over and help out and just keep you company. A baby is a huge adjustment. Hang in there, things will get easier.