Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

If youve seen my recent posts, DH and i have decided to move off LI. I can tell that my mom is taking it not so well. She has dreamed of being the babysitter when i eventually have a baby and to help out w/ childcare when i go back to work.

I am very confused. I want to move but i dont know how we are going to handle help when i do have baby.

If this has happened to anyone else, please give me your thoughts.

Thanks

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I grew up in Dutchess County, near where you are talking about moving. My family moved there for my father's job, and we had no family in the immediate area. The closest was LI.

It kind of stunk in that we didn't see family that often, and I know it was more difficult on my mom because we didn't have any family in the area to watch us when she had a dentist or doctor appt., etc. It made our family more reliant on friends and neighbors, but it definitely isn't the type of closeness with family that my SIL's kids have with their grandparents who live 2 towns over and who see them several times a week.

Honestly it made me decide that I want my kids to be close physically to my mother when they grow up. She's been such a huge influence in my life, and I wouldn't want them to miss out on seeing her that often. Others will say you have to do what is best for you and DH...But I would rather have a smaller house here on LI than be away from my family. Did we have a bigger house? Yes, but growing up, I would rather have been with family than in a huge house. It's easy to say that it is relatively close, but when you have kids that are playing on sports teams and in activities, the visits to family get further and further apart.

Message edited 11/5/2007 8:53:19 PM.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

Our families are 1200 miles away and it's hard. Very hard. Not only do we not have convenient and trustworthy childcare when we want to go out but I have to listen to my mom and MIL cry about missing out on their granddaughter.


2 hours away wouldn't be a big deal for us. It's close enough that they could come often but not close enough where they would be at our house every other day. It would require a little more planning for when they came and I'd expect them to stay overnight when they did visit, but I wouldn't mind that (my parents or his).

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I currently live 1000 miles away from LI, for law school. I'm trying to decide whether I want to move back to NY (long island or NYC) or if I want to stay here where the cost of living is way lower.

It's a tough decision. If where I live now was an hour away I'd stay here in a second but my parents would be heartbroken and I'd like to be near my family when I eventually have children.

I honestly don't know what to do....

FM me if you want to talk more.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

i am not in your situation but may be in a few years when we have children.... however, i think about howe hard my parents had it and they managed. both of my parents were immigrants and my mother had and still doesn't have a blood relative in the U.S. She was very lonely at times and wished her sisters and mother were with her as she raised her children. that said however, because my parents had no family here, their friends became their family. i look at my parents' friends who are like aunts and uncles to me... they helped my parents when they needed child care, they were so close... and did everything for each other.

i think when you are far away from your family, you meet good people in a similar situation and you becomes friends. also, i think a PP said you're moving upstate? i think that might be a nice compromise... you'd be close enough for weekend trips and visits, but far enough to have your own autonomy.

GOOD LUCK!

Message edited 11/5/2007 9:31:44 PM.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

i'm not familiar with your situation and how far from LI you plan on moving...DH and I had plans to move down to NC (still do). I never foresaw missing our family as a big issue. We live in NJ. DH's family is here and mine is on LI. After having DS 4 months ago I always think how hard it would have been is DH's family wasn't so close. And how much I wish that my family was closer. Our plans to move are still there but now I'm torn up about it because I would hate to take their grandson any further. But the reality for us is that we feel we could live a better life down there and not have to stress about our shoebox house and monster mortgage. we'll see though. I think they all are so obsessed with DS that I may be able to convince them to move with us.

It's not an easy choice...I found that I need them more than I ever knew I did. I still want to move, just hoping they will all follow.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

My advice is just get on with things. Don't move and constantly think about how much better things would be if, because you move and you were fully aware that things were going to be different. Just get into the swing of things and get on with your daily life.

It always annoys me when people go Oh life is better here, or things are better here there whatever...well if you aren't happy with your situation, do something about it!!!

I speak to my parents every day, we skype and I am happy with the choice that I have made. I have made a lot of friends and they are my support system here...that is what makes life here so successful. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Message edited 11/6/2007 5:12:26 AM.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I just recently went through this but my parents moved away from LI. It has been difficult since the summer but we don't have kids yet. We are 400+ miles away. My mom & I are very close, more like friends, so it has been an adjustment in terms of getting use to not seeing them. We speak on the phone every night & we plan trips to see each other every 6 weeks or so.

My mom was very upset when they decided to move bc she knew it would be difficult on her when the time comes that I have a baby. Of course, she will not be able to be in the daily life of our kids phyiscally but we plan on getting a webcam & still doing our trips as we did before. I am glad they moved away, bc they have a much better life then they had here on LI. Unfortunately, the cost of living here on LI is just ridiculous & I truly believe that eventually a lot of us will have to make the move. Don't put your plans to move though on hold bc of the future possibilities of you being away from family. In the end, it will all work out

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I moved 500 miles away from my family and I'm not going to lie, its hard. Especially having two grandparents who are sick, I hate being so far away from them.
Eventually my parents will move down, maybe sooner when we have a baby...but my mom is not ready to leave NY yet.

Luckily we have made lots of friends who are like a family, we all help each other out when needed, so i know if we ever needed anything, they would be there.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I moved away from home at 18 and never looked back. I was 250 miles away, then 555 miles, now I am 650 miles away. In December it will be about 496 miles. I have always lived in a city with JetBlue so it is so easy to go visit. My BFF visits me once year and I visit her once a year. 7 years later, we still talk daily (she lived with me in college so it's only 7 years). I talk to my grandma once a week. DH's mom and her friend are planning a road trip to our new home.

It is actually quite nice having distance from your family because you talk to them more then when you lived near them.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

We moved to NC and the first 2 months were very hard -- I am extremely close with my mother. But, if we had to do it all over again, we'd still move down here. We are truly blessed with our house and jobs and good friends that we made down here. I speak to my mother every week and still miss her alot, but we would not struggle to make ends meet by staying up on LI. She understands that.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I moved off LI 9 years ago and I'm extremly close with my family. I live in NJ and my father lives out in Pt. Jeff. None of my family live here, they all live on LI. Same with DH's family. Aside from traffic we have no problems going out there on a Saturday or Sunday or having our families to visit us. It's really no big deal to us. Dutchess County is not all that far from LI.

Message edited 8/14/2009 12:50:15 PM.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I really don't have anything new to add to what the PPs have said. I live about 4.5 hours from my family on LI. I left for college and never lived on LI again, despite telling myself "the day will come and I will raise my kids near my parents".

Now that that is a few years away, I just don't see it happening. I like it here (in DC/Baltimore), I love my jobs, friends, and the area.

But I agonize over the fact that my parents won't be as geographically close to their grandchildren as they would like. I really wish I could move to LI and bring my house, job, and friends and everything would be perfect!

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I know how you feel. DH & I moved from LI almost 18 months ago. It was not an easy choice, my mom and I are very close. It wasn't easy on any of us. But talk every single day & we visit as much as we can. Thank God for Jet Blue! Please feel free to FM me if I can be of any help to you!

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

It's hard. We moved 600 miles away and just had a baby. I wish that our child could grow up around my family but it would be too much of a struggle to live on LI. I worked in the city, with a 2 hour commute each way. If we stayed, our child would see family but they would never see us. We decided that our child needed to see us during their waking hours and moving made that possible. We talk to our family all the time and have visited several times; we hope to always go back at least 2 times a year. We also hope the grandparents follow us down; but were not betting on that when we moved.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I can't really help much, but I can offer this. When my DH was offered the job in Chicago, it was very hard for me. We thought about it long and hard and the final choice was based on the money. Would it be enough to make us go? Improve our life? In the end, the money was not enough to uproot our life. We also thought, what if we have a baby? Can we handle being away from our parents? We didn't want that...BUT if our lifestyle would improve, if it would boost DH's career, then we knew we'd have to make the move. So I guess YOU have to decide...will the move bring us a better quality of life? Enough to make up for being away from family? Only you can make the choice. A girlfriend of mine lives here on LI; her DH's family is here on LI, too. Her family is out of state. Now that she has a baby, I know she wishes they were closer and she misses them dearly even though they visit every other month or so....

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

My family is in Queens and we are moving to New Paltz. It is definitely going to be more planning to get together than is required now, but I am actually looking forward to the time I spend with my family be quality time. It feels a little bit like we take each other for granted now.

It's not unrealistically far. DH's parents currently live in NP and we go visit them regularly. They will even come down just for the day.

I have a girlfriend who commutes from there to the city every day too. I've thought long and hard about how it would be to leave my parents, especially when children come, but for us it is our favorite place to be, we are getting an amazing house, it's just worth it.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I moved off of LI last year and just had a baby this past summer. It's hard because I always thought I would have kids that would see my mom all the time like I was able to see my grandparents growing up. But I think our quality of life is better where we are (in Orange County near where you are thinking of moving) than where we would have been able to afford & like on LI.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

We have no family here in NY. All of my family is in TN and Dh's is in Maryland and Cali. It is difficult now that we have our 5.5 mth old son, but we have an amazing group of friends who have become our 2nd family. Plus, when you start doing mommy and me things you build an even bigger network of support. Also, expect a lot of visits from the folks and inlaws after a baby. We have one set of parents here at least once a month.

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

We are in a very similar situation except our baby is already here. We had plans to move away (and still might have to) but this has made it very hard. My mother keeps asking about it and getting very sad about it. She is so attached already. Ultimately, you just have to do what is right for you I guess. For us, it's financial but we're going to try and look here on LI one more time. Good luck and you can always FM me if you want!

Re: Feeling sad- help from those who moved away from family

I moved off of LI (1000 miles away), got married and a few years later had my first child. While I missed my family and would of LOVED to have my daughter see her family more often and perhaps run to the store while a relative watched her or whatever, it just wasn't the case and I dealt. We have a great life here and wouldn't change it for anything. We miss family but don't need them (not to sound harsh on them). We have our own family now and you just make it work. You both hve to be a team and very supportive of one another to make it through and you will.