Feeling SO pessisimistic...

I told DH today this has been by far our worst loss ever for me (we've had 6 losses, 2 of which the pregnancies were twins) ...
I'm SO down and SO negative. I started to feel hopeful after talking to my dr that we could start to move forward, and it lasted for SUCH a short amount of time. I hate who I've become...
We have a plan, and I'm basically already ruling out the possibility of it ever working... yet, the thought of taking more time off or even considering giving up sends me into tears.
I'm on bcps per dr's orders and bleeding heavily even while on them. I bled for 15 days straight after my D&C... and the bcps end this weekend which means I'll bleed yet again (or just continue to bleed at the rate I'm going)!!! I HATE THIS!!!!
Anyone else feeling like this after your loss? I'm wondering if this is normal... I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I remember being REALLY down in past losses, but this time feels the worst. Between the D&C and actually seeing and hearing their heartbeats.. this has been the hardest one yet.
And if one more person tells me "it could've been so much worse" or "be thankful it was early" I'm going to seriously hurt them. I KNOW it could've been worse--- I've heard some of my friends horror stories and have no clue how they survived them... it's a testament as to how strong they are. But you know what? I SAW AND HEARD our kids heartbeat... they were very much alive and very much ours and now just like that they're gone... again. Sorry... I guess I needed to get this off my chest. Vent over...

Message edited 10/28/2011 10:01:44 PM.

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

You have every right to be sad and angry. What you and your husband have been through is heartwrenching. As you get closer to your next transfer, it will get better. The waiting period is always the hardest.

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

i haven't been what you've gone through, so i won't begin to offer advice. i just wanted to give you some and remind you we are all here for you anytime you need to talk. and i completely understand, it is NO help to hear that you should be thankful it wasn't worse... someone always has it worse, but someone always has it better - and none of that makes any of what we endure easier. i hope your journey begins to head in the right direction

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

I feel so down as well... and what's scary is, I got to 17wks with my first baby.. I feel like the next time, I will never be able to feel like I'm in a 'safe' zone. I graduated from the RE.. I had a successful ultrascreen... Everything was going perfect, until it wasn't. I was determined to be more positive when I got pregnant with triplets. I figured I already experienced such torture that the triplet pregnancy was my gift. I was soooo wrong........ As soon as I let my guard down, we lost all 3 at once just shy of 8wks. It wasn't nearly as traumatizing as my first lost- but just goes to show you've never had your "share" of losses. I feel like I'll never be able to just enjoy a pregnancy, whenever that happens.

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

I've been feeling vey down too. I havent been through nearly as much as you, but I can agree to say that it really can change you as a person. I am not myself and all this stress of ttc again is really taking a toll on me and dh emotionally, physically and def taking a toll on our marriage....all because of this m/c. I had a sever breakdown the other night. I hate the way things are right now and can only hope for a miracle.

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

You have been through so much, it's only normal to feel this way. Let yourself grieve your babies. You're right, they had heartbeats and they were very much real to you. I always hated the comments "It's meant to be" - because really??? How is it possible that it's meant to be?

Take care of yourself and get yourself strong. I think once you experience a loss it's so hard to ever feel comfortable with a pregnancy again.

I am so sorry

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

Thanks everyone.
Though I wish none of us were in this situation, I'm glad to not feel so alone.... and to know that I'm not alone.
Today is hard...Facebook is FULL of everyone posting pics of their kids... some ppl's comments are grating on my nerves- so I posted my Halloween pics of my 2 boys (my cats) in their costumes! and now I'm done looking at it for the rest of the day.
I'm taking my niece and nephews trick or treating later w/ my SIL which should be fun... so trying to just remain happy and hopeful today, as much as I can.
I have emailed my nurse twice and my dr twice and still no reply from either (it's been a week since the first email) and I'm starting to get REALLY annoyed... I need a more concrete plan than what we have, I really think it will help me to look forward more rather than focusing on the could have/should have beens... which isn't making me feel any better.

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

I am with you on this. So hard to get through some days. I was OK for the past few days and now I am in a slump again...O wait it could be b/c DH's friends called and said they were preggers, O and her due date is the day before mine would have been

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

I totally understand how you feel and agree with the others that you need to let yourself grieve and feel whatever feelings you have. It is so normal to feel the way you do!

I am really sorry for your loss

Re: Feeling SO pessisimistic...

Do the best you can and take each day one step at a time.