General MIL question...

So many of us have so many issues with our MIL.

Mine did something last night that pi$$ed me off and when I was complaining to DH about it he posed the following question:

"If your mom did the same thing, would you be this mad?"

And honestly, the answer was no. If my mom did it I would have thought it was cute and thoughtful.

So my question(s) is (are) this:

How often do you get mad at your MIL for something that you wouldn't get mad at your own mom for doing?

And do we think that's fair?

And how do we stop the madness?

Re: General MIL question...

DW and I take turns b!tching about moms. It's pretty much even on both sides. We complain about the ILs, and our own relatives. Pretty sad, really. But, on the plus side, totally fair and even!

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Well, there are PLENTY of things my MIL does that annoy me. I have taken a step back when I ge mad and think about my own mother doing the same thing and no, I don't get mad at my mother. But, I feel like i don't get mad because if its something I don't like I feel I can tell my mother to stop and i don't feel comfortable telling my MIL. For instance, if my DD is comfortable and quiet just playing on the floor and my mother goes to grab her I tell her to just leave her be for alittle while since she's quiet. If I tell my MIL I feel like I look like a bitc*. But, my MIL does more that annoys me than my own mother.

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I can honestly say no, it's not just that she's not my mom. My our issues aren't things like she bought clothes or toys that I don't care for. It's a total lack of respect for both DH and I, and I'm tired of it. Both of my ILs constantly make snarky comments about us and think its ok.

Two examples:

Sarah's birthday is President's week in February. So airfare is more expensive. They didn't want to pay extra to come up for her first birthday, so she told DH over the phone that I said they weren't allowed to come to the party. When he said "No, you told Cathy the airfare was too much" MIL responded "Yes, that's what I meant." I can see how being a tightwad was confused with me refusing them in my house. They came up in January and March that year, so they could have just come up in Feb for less money.

When my BIL got engaged last year my MIL wanted to have a brunch for his future ILs, but she didn't have her apt up here yet, so I offered my house for it. The house they sold us for full market value, after talking us out of an inspection which would have turned up some serious issues. But I digress...During the brunch (which had only food I'm allergic to or couldn't eat as I was pregnant) my MIL asked DH how much money she wasted on a specific class he took in college. Meanwhile DH is and always has been employed in the field his degree is in, my BIL has never used his degree but the fact that his entire degree was a waste is never brought up.

Message edited 10/24/2007 10:58:24 AM.

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My DH complains about my Father and I find myself complain about his Mother, either way they both say things that are annoying and what can you do but suck it up.

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I'm the exact opposite...I adore my MIL. My mom is more likely to pi$$ me off then my MIL.

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Yes, if my mother acted the way my mil acted I would be very angry, probably even more upset...I pick my battles with mil, my own mother I tend to be very cut and dry with.

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There's a difference.

My mom wouldn't say the little comments that my MIL says.

For example, my mil introduced someone to my ds and she called him "my baby". My mom would never say that.

That's just ONE example of the many that I have experienced.

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Its not fair but here's the problem (at least for me). If my mom did something I didn't like, I can be honest with her, tell her or yell at her.....we'd get past it and move on to other things and I think we have a good enough relationship that she respects my opinion or my feelings enough to just agree to disagree and let it go, and I just don't feel like she's competing with me for DH....with MIL, I can't even hint at disagreeing with the things she does or says without it becoming a huge overblown issue that is never forgotten and thrown back at me for all time. I'm not her daughter, I'm just her son's wife and its not the same thing.

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No b/c my mom and my MIL are so completely different. The things my MIL does, my mom would never do.

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My MIL and Mom do different things to annoy me equally, LOL.

I can just tell my mom to stop it, I just complain to DH about his mom, LOL.

I have tried telling my MIL that she is doing something that upsets me, and it has actually worked. I just have to realize that I have to use a different tone wiht her then my mom. I can be snippy with my mom, she expects it, LOL.

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Re: General MIL question...

Posted by GoldenRod

DW and I take turns b!tching about moms. It's pretty much even on both sides. We complain about the ILs, and our own relatives. Pretty sad, really. But, on the plus side, totally fair and even!

Re: General MIL question...

In general I get along with my MIL, but here's the real reason I don't think MILs are easy to deal with.

You can't tell them to knock it off like you can your mom. I can tell my mom things are none of her business. I can tell my mom if she sugars my kids up, she's treading on thin ice.

If we could be just as honest with our MILs as we are to our moms (with the unconditional love part that our moms have for us), we would be in a lot better shape.

As for stopping the madness, the only way I can see it is to figure out how to communicate more effectively - if it's possible. I say that because thinking about some of the stuff I've read, there are some seriously toxic people out there. It doesn't work for everyone.

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First off my mom is no longer alive, but she would respect my iwshes and if she was watching my boys she would have done what I wanted and what I say. My MIL on the other hand does what SHE wants and will not do things I ask her, or if she doesnt agree with, and then plays it off like she didnt know......that is why I get mad

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I have tried being honest with my MIL as I do with my Mom. My MIL has selective hearing whether I am speaking to her or it's coming from her son. I will not cross lines with her like I can with my own Mother. But I have noticed my MIL's social skills are lacking since she & FIL never go out or socialize with their family

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i try not to place unreasonable expectations on my MIL- I've made peace that she is different than my mother- I cannot expect her to act the same way- it's just not fair. In the same way, I don't expect my DH to do things that I would do... we are all different people.

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I love my MIL. I never get mad at her unless she does something dumb with my kids like oh say letting my daughter play with a plastic bag when she was a baby.

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It is hard to communicate with MIL without the risk of offending and causing conflict. Where with my own Mom I can speak to her how I feel is necassary. In my case my MIL lacks the basic respect for me as a parent and the rules I want to follow. I think I give her a lot of slack becuase I dont want a war, but that has backfired becuase once you give an inch she wants 10 feet!

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I am very guilty of this. I don't know why and I don't know how to change.

DH never knows when I'm Po'ed at his mom though. He is very defensive of her. I let my Mom know and that isn't a good thing either.