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BikerGrl
Merry Christmas!
Member since 5/05 2875 total posts
Name: It's not the destination....it's the journey!
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George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
George Carlin's New Rules For 2007
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
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Posted 3/16/07 11:04 PM |
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DebG
Pick a cause & stand up for it
Member since 5/05 18602 total posts
Name: The cure IS worse!
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
those are last years.
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Posted 3/16/07 11:06 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
I love George Carlin
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Posted 3/16/07 11:08 PM |
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DebG
Pick a cause & stand up for it
Member since 5/05 18602 total posts
Name: The cure IS worse!
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
Posted by Shelly
I love George Carlin
Me toooo!
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Posted 3/16/07 11:09 PM |
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BikerGrl
Merry Christmas!
Member since 5/05 2875 total posts
Name: It's not the destination....it's the journey!
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
Posted by DebG
those are last years.
I just noticed the related posts at the bottom!!
I must have missed them or my brain is so shot I do not remember them from the first time around!
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Posted 3/16/07 11:10 PM |
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julz33
i run for bacon
Member since 5/05 20584 total posts
Name: julz
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
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Posted 3/16/07 11:11 PM |
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SupportACop
Momma's Boy & Lovin' it!!
Member since 5/06 2579 total posts
Name: C
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
Posted by DebG
Posted by Shelly
I love George Carlin
Me toooo!
He is great! I love his humor
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Posted 3/17/07 5:33 AM |
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LiPo
:(
Member since 9/06 1864 total posts
Name: Lisa
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
Posted by DebG
those are last years.
and not even written by George Carlin.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp
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Posted 3/17/07 6:01 AM |
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BikerGrl
Merry Christmas!
Member since 5/05 2875 total posts
Name: It's not the destination....it's the journey!
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
Hum....interesting! Well Bill Maher is funny to too............so props to him for this list!!!!
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Posted 3/17/07 6:35 AM |
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Lisa
I'm a PANK!!!
Member since 5/05 22334 total posts
Name: Professional Aunts No Kids
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
well whoever wrote it...its too funny!!
I especially LOVE the last one....so true!!!
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Posted 3/17/07 8:03 AM |
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MelToddJulia
Love my Family!
Member since 7/05 29064 total posts
Name: Mel
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
I love him, but those jokes are from last year....
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Posted 3/17/07 9:13 AM |
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Booklady1017
Information Goddess
Member since 5/05 4149 total posts
Name: Michelle
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
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Posted 3/17/07 9:35 AM |
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shell
:-)
Member since 6/06 2988 total posts
Name:
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
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Posted 3/17/07 10:54 AM |
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mrswask
Pookie Love
Member since 5/05 20229 total posts
Name: Michal
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!
I don't care when they're from or who wrote them - every last one of them is absolutely hysterical and rings true!!!
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Posted 3/17/07 12:26 PM |
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