How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

Both my parents are like Wonder Woman and Superman. Healthy and tough as nails..work through the pain...never stop, keep going. You get the picture.

Now my mother has to have surgery and it's killing me.

I've never seen either of my parents incapacitated and neither have had a surgery since I was born.

My mother doesn't want me to go to the hospital, for fear of germs and it being flu season and all (as I am pregnant.)

How do you cope with this? It's so weird to me... I think I am more nervous than her!

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

i know what you mean... my dad is Superman to me... i feel like he hasnt changed at all (except that hes gray) since i was a kid... i can count on my hand the amount of times my dad has been sick...

he and my mom dont sleep in the same bed anymore... he has horrible night terrors and he yells and flails around in his sleep... and my mom was having a hard time... she was anxious going to bed because he was basically abusing her in his sleep lol...

my dad likes to joke about it... that his subconscious is doing what he cant to during the day to her... (obviously hes joking)...

but its scary for us all... hes been to several doctors and no one can figure out whats going on with him... its almost more terrifying knowing that something is happening inside him that is causing this and we have no idea what it is...

i really just try not to think about it too often because its upsetting...

ETA: i realize that you asked about surgery... but i still feel the sentiment is the same lol

Message edited 11/11/2010 10:44:17 PM.

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

My Mom just went through a nightmarish year and a half of back surgeries sepsis twice, staph in her spine(her Dr's told us we should be prepared for her to be wheelchair bound) and a hip replacement and she is fine. If you are a prayer then pray. Chances are everything will be fine. I also like to look up stuff on google and be knowledgable about the procedure but that freaks a lot of people out...Good luck to your Mom!

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

i have been through cancer and 2 operations with my dad....2 heart attacks and a stroke with my mom..with the stroke leaving paralysis on the right side of her body...2 operations with a 3 rd coming after the holidays

how do we get by...i have no idea..but we do..we pray we cry and we stay strong and hope for the best

in a hospital with my mom watching her try to speak but nothing coming out was prob the hardest thing i have ever seen..but with much therapy she can now speak..

i totally understand u wanting to be at hospital for ur mom and i would ask u r doc if he thinks its ok im sure when she wakes up from surgery she would love to see ur face..

best of luck to you and ur mom..hope everything is ok

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

You suck it up. You stay strong. You do what you can to help.

I went thru cancer surgery and subsequent treatments with my mom, and two months after my mom died started the whole process all over again with MIL until her death.

My parents lived with me.
I was my mom's caregiver - that meant taking her to doctor's appointments, chemo treatments, and when she became incapacitated, feeding her, bathing her and changing diapers.
It was really hard - I had some support from hospice and visiting nurse, but I also had to deal with my dad who was in denial about her sickness.

I bottled up everything inside me so that I could be strong, show my mom that I had everything under control. She needed to see that.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Good luck with your mom, and I hope she gets better soon.

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

It's amazing how you really become strong when you have to go through something like this.

My dad had a heartattached 2 years ago..we were blindsided by it. I was at work and got the call...mom was too. She was a WRECK. I drove home from LI to queens, picked her up and then drove her out the hospital- Good Sam. It took hours and she was just a mess- rightfully so. I had to be strong & support her. I had to remind her to eat. Convince her to go home and sleep and that I'd pick her up bright & early to go back to see him the next day. I didn't even get to cry until I got home ot DH- at about 2am.

Then this past summer my mom had her hip replaced. I took off work, stayed at the hospital, went to see her everyday. Showered her, dressed her, helped with everything (and I had DD who was 4 months old).

You get through. Just like they did when we were little and had medical issues. You really learn that you ARE strong and you can do it. I looked it at it as "they need me, they've always been there for me, I need to be there for them" It's tough, but you have to it. Then when you're alone wiht DH- it's okay to worry and stress, but don't let them see that. I know that nothing bothers my parents more than knowing that they could be a burden to their kids.


eta: Good luck with your mom, and I hope everything goes well.

Message edited 11/12/2010 9:11:25 AM.

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

Sorry to hear about this.

My own experience was terrifying.

Mom had a brain tumor. It was large, not many surgeons would do it and guarantee anything.

The first surgeon said it would take 12 hours and he had never done one like that. That was the best the insurance company could offer in their network.

We faced having to mortgage the house to get her a surgeon out of pocket.

After a few threats, health insurance cooperated and she got a great surgeon.

It was not cancer, but her rehab took years.

She was left disabled but she is still mom.

Scariest.Thing.Ever.

Seeing her in recovery while her brain was swelling and she was flailing around shook me to the core. I cried for days.

when she finally was conscious and was talking and eating is when we all rejoiced.

Dad was the main caretaker and I came over as much as I could to help her. She would get up in the middle of the night for no reason and she was not stable on her feet. There were many sleepless nights. I gave dad respite by sleeping with her and letting dad sleep somewhere else so he could get some rest.

Dad had his own struggles with stents in his heart and kidneys.

It's amazing but we all triumph over this and cope the best we can.

I know that we have faced some pretty messed up stuff and can face it again and get through it although circumstances have changed.

Make sure you have your support system in place. Talk to as many people as you need. Get rest..take care of yourself.

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

You just do it.

Within the last month my father was diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer. The weekend after we found out my mom had a mini stroke (or so they thought that at the time). I am the only child. It's been really rough, but you just deal.

Message edited 11/12/2010 9:22:08 AM.

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

I guess you just have to deal because what else can you do? My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer over 5 years ago. When she told me...I freaked out. Screaming and crying. I was hysterical. But after I got that out, I stood up tall and was there for my mom through surgery, chemo, hair loss and many sick nights in the hospital. After the inital shock of hearing my mom had cancer, I never cried again. She is now in remission and doing well. I still worry it will come back, but if it does I will stay strong, because that is what she needs.

My stepfather and MIL have also had health problems...they both have heart issues and I have been through a lot with them having surgery and my MIL even had a heart attack while she was being operated on. It was terrifying. But again, DH and I stayed strong for them because the last thing they need is to feel the stress of their children.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It really is a horrible feeling. I hope your mom has a quick recovery!

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

Thank you all! Good to know I am not alone. Well wishes to all of your families, as well.

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

Re: How do you cope when a parent has a big surgery?

Posted by speakthetruth

Thank you all! Good to know I am not alone. Well wishes to all of your families, as well.