How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

When I dropped Thomas off at daycare this morning, his head teacher told me that our little Thomas doesn't like to share. She said he takes toys from the other children and doesn't want to give them back.

He is only 9 months old, and he just started crawling two weeks ago. I have to do research on the topic, but from what I remember, children do not comprehend the concept of sharing until well into their toddler years (can anyone give more info. on this?). In my opinion, a 9 month old could not possibly understand what sharing is, and he is exploring his world and his surroundings by using his newfound crawling ability. Now that he can get around, he's probably crawling up to the other kids, and if a toy someone else is playing with interests him, he tries to play with it.

He is in the infant room within babies ranging from 4 months to approaching 18 months. He's just started to go from being the littlest baby in the room, to being able to keep up with the other crawlers and walkers in the room.

I am so upset about this... I like his teacher very much and it upsets me greatly that she would expect him to know how to share at this age. I am also upset with the way I handled it. I was caught completely off guard, and I acted surprised (which I was) and I asked her what I should do. I said when he plays with his half-brothers, ages 8 and 11, they obviously don't play with the same toys, so it's not an issue. She said when then are playing with him, not to let him have everything thing he wants because he's the little guy. I wish I would have said he's only 9 months, I will reinforce sharing, but he shouldn't be expected to fully understand it until he's (2, 3 4.. whatever the age is).

You know that hurt and defensive feeling you get if anything is said or done to your child??? This is how I feel right now...

Can anyone please help me with this?

Do I have a right to be upset with the teacher for expecting so much of him?

Should I say something to her or let it be?

Am I completely wrong here, and should he be expected to know not to take toys from other kids?

Of course I am going to reinforce sharing with him, I want him to learn to share. I could really use advice and honest opinions.

Thank you very much!!

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

IMHO there is nothing that you can do at this age except be consistent and if you see him grab or not share say, no we don't take from other people's hands and then take the toy away. You say it sweetly but firmly. When he cries, you say I'm sorry I know you are upset but lets see if we can play with something else.


This will go on for another year- and in my opinion- I have a VERY active and strongwilled DS at 14 months now (was walking and grabbing at 10.5 months) - there is nothing you can do but be consistent.

I am surprised that the teacher even said anything to you when it is such normal behavior?

ETA: maybe she just wanted to make you aware of it so you could start to teach him- without the expectation that he would understand or cooperate for a long time yet.

Message edited 2/5/2008 9:32:16 AM.

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

I know that feeling and to be honest...I'm not so sure that this is something that Thomas needs to work on at 9 months.

I mean...he's a baby and he's just learning that he has some independence to get himself around. He sees a toy that he likes and he takes it. If the daycare teacher is so concerned then SHE needs to nicely take the toy back and tell Thomas no...and give it back to the other child. Only when he is in the situation will he have the opportunity to learn.

What does she expect you to do...sit him down for a talk?

I am sure that every child that is mobile in that room has taken toys from other children. And personally I think that it's the type of thing that the children should work out. Thomas will learn very quickly who he can and cannot take toys from and with the right guidance at the time he will learn not to take any toys at all sooner or later.

My advice....as a parent that has been caught off guard at daycare...

Go back to the teacher...tell her that you appreciate her coming to you and her concern for your son. That you have thought it over and what you would like is for her help to guide Thomas. When she sees him taking a toy from someone to gently take it and give it back to the child. AND that if another child takes a toy from Thomas...to do the same. Dealing this at the time it happens will be the best learning experience for Thomas and the other children.

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

I still cannot get my 3 year old to share! lol be patient.. it's amazing how they learn the whole "MINE" thing early on.

ETA that I think that the teacher is being a little harsh.. he's JUST a BABY!!!

Message edited 2/5/2008 9:36:26 AM.

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

I can't get over the fact that they expect a 9 month old to be good at sharing...I would have a word with the head teacher there and let her know that is kind of silly.

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

I have another little boy here 5 days a week.

Josh is 13 months old. There is still always one staple item that I know he is not willing to share(currently his corn popper)...

from early on though, whenever one boy took from the other, I would always give it back to the original owner. They both know now not to take from the other.

I had to teach them though, when something was taken from Josh, first he yelled for me, then he had no problem slapping the other boy. I needed to end the hitting.

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

Logan is almost 9 months too and also just started crawling and climbing, etc.

He's into EVERYTHING now and there is just no way that he's mentally ready for the concept of sharing.

And while he has no issues so far, there is another little boy at daycare who is a SNATCHER!!

He grabs everything out of the other kids hands and makes them all cry.

What I have seen the daycare workers do is consistantly reward him when he gives something to someone else.

So they will have him hand the block to Logan and then cheer for being a good sharer.

I agree with Ang - tell daycare you appreciate the feedback, ask for their help and suggestions. Then follow-up with them daily to see how he is doing.

Maybe you can also enlist his half brothers to "play" with some of his toys and see what happens at home and what you can reinforce there.

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

Believe me, 9 months old is VERY young to even try to begin understanding the concept of sharing.

I have a 2 & a 3 year old and as Im sure you can imagine, the concept of "sharing" is instilled hourly....and its still difficult,although I am very much on top of it.
BUT..when you only have one young child at home, it is very difficult at this age to teach to share, because at this age they automatically think everything is theirs, which is normal.
You can go onto any parenting website to learn tatics on how to teach a baby how to grasp the concept, but for the time being, I would Definately tell the teacher that her comment concerned you, not because your son isnt sharing, but that SHE as a teacher would EXPECT this from an infant. (PS personally-not that not sharing is a "good thing", but Id rather my son be taking toys away from others, than finding out my son is being bullied or having his toys taken away from him!)

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

Thank you everyone so much for your thoughtful responses.

I really appreciate it, and it helps a lot.

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

I agree, they don't really get the concept at that age. But you can do what someone else posted they do at daycare and that's get him to share and then praise him for it. My DS didn't have an issue with this, but as an interactive game, at about 8 months, I started, "Can you give the ---- to Mommy?" I started by gicing him a block and he'd play with it and then I'd put my hand out and ask for him to give it to Mommy. He would just look at me and I'd take his hand and gently place the object in mine and praise him for it. I'd clap and say Thank You and give him a hug. After doing this a handful of times, he got it. Now, anybody can put their handout in front of him and ask him for whatever he's got in his hand and he'll give it to you at almost 10 mo. Also, this turned him into a sharer on his own. He'll just pick things up and give it to use and then smile and put his hands out like he wants a hug for sharing. It's something to try, but don't be upset if he doesn't "get" it at this age.

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

when i see my 9 month old at daycare grab for other kids toys, I say "christopher--thats not nice, you need to share"

I think they pick up more on tone then actual words

IMO it would be weird if kids didnt like claiming things for their own at this young age

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

When I picked Thomas up today, one of the other teachers told me how he's been napping great. I told her I was happy to hear that, and I mentioned what the other teacher said this morning. She said, oh yeah, he's a little toy thief! Then she said he's in that phase and that it's normal and all the kids do it. I felt a little better...

Re: How do you teach a 9 month old to share???

Oh wow...I personally feel that's ridiculous. My DD is 9 months also and I sort of put on a show and tell her to share her toys, but that's only for the benefit of her 2 year old sister--who still doesn't understand the concept of sharing either, mind you! You are right...I also read something that stated that children under the age of 3 (or something like that) cannot understand the concept.