Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I feel the best way to support your DH is venting here or with friends, but you need to load on patience and understanding with him.

I understand you in the way that it can feel frustrating and overwhelming, specially having kids asking for their dad, plus having to work full time and getting no help in the house. But the best way to support him is not stressing him more with your own needs. Vent and let it all out with friends, so you don't do that with him.

I liked the idea that 2 PP suggested, about going on the planned vacation with your kids and a relative. Discuss with your DH first, but maybe it would be good in the way he can spend that time with his mom, your kids get the vacation and you can recharge some. I'm sorry about the whole situation.

How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

OP - just wanted to add. When we went through this, we cancelled our trip and did receive a refund from the airline and hotel. We were going to Florida and I think booked through Orbitz. We had to fax them my mothers diagnosis from the doc and they gave us a full refund. Maybe you can try that.

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Everyone’s responses on here seem so harsh. You are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do. Do you think your DH would consider going to counseling to help him deal with what’s going on?

Unfortunately, you are going to have to pick up some of the slack but do you think you could have a serious heart to heart with him? Discuss how you feel and how your kids are handling this? He may soften a little if you take yourself out of it and have him see it from your children’s perspective if that makes any sense.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not easy.

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I take it your are venting and giving us a shorthand dump of your stress. It’s ok to feel that way as long as ultimately you can be able to put it aside for now to step up and be supportive to the best of your ability. Are there any friends or family in your side that can help out, give you a night off?

How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I am sorry about your mother in law. It's a very sad time for your husband. I didn't take your post as insensitive at all, but as overwhelming for you during this time. There is no right or wrong way to handle life right now and you are both doing the best you can. You should be allowed to come on here and vent. Life still goes on and there are still responsibilities. I think if you can sit down and talk about it and let him realize you are also doing the best you can right now and still need help, too. Perhaps a mother's helper or babysitter will help out a little? Once you get more details from the doctors, you will hopefully fall into a better routine. It's not an easy time.

How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

He just found out his mother is dying. Give him a break. Sometimes part of marriage is picking up the slack when your spouse is going through something life changing.

I can understand not wanting to go away right now and this is why people buy travel insurance. You need to give him space and let him work through his feelings and what he thinks he needs to do to support his family. I understand that it can be frustrating to you, picking up the slack but you need to just suck it up because saying anything makes you look selfish and insensitive.

How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I think a lot of the replies are a bit harsh toward the OP quite honestly.

I think it's a super stressful time for everyone. And taking care of the house and kids and rearranging schedules i'm sure is taking a toll. I think the fact he's been nasty towards the OP is hard. Asking when he will be coming home shouldn't be met with hostility, though much can be forgiven of course during this time.

As an oncology RN I see first hand the toll that is taken on caregivers and the family that supports them.

Stage 4 cancer is terrifying. I'm sure he is a mess and super worried about his mom. When was the diagnosis? It takes time for shock to wear off and for a plan to be in place as they map out treatments and next steps.

I feel he can support his mother while also checking in with his wife and kids as well, especially if it's been a week or two since diagnosis. I'm not sure what cancer she has bc that plays a large part. Stage 4 pancreatic or melanoma can be very different in time line than say lung or breast. It's all scary and completely overwhelming, but I'm sure different factors are at play.

To the OP-hang in there. Your husband is probably just so scared and not thinking clearly, so do what you can to be supportive while still being respected. Wishing you all the best.

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I'm on parent #4 with cancer. It sucks.
It also sucks the life out of you.

This is all new to your DH, he has to figure out a balance between his home life and caring for his mom. You nagging at him is not going to help. Offer suggestions instead of telling DH what to do.
Your DH has a brother? Then they need to take turns being with their mom so that each is not overwhelmed and that each can still deal with their family life.
Can DH and FIL eat at your house instead of eating out every night ? Why does your DH have to pay for things for his brother ? What things ?

When MIL was diagnosed, DH dropped everything and was by her side. I got it, he's an only child, a mama's boy and she coddled him all his life. I gave him is space and helped where I could. DH was there for me when my mom was sick.

Go on vacation with the kids, take your mom in place of DH.
We went on vacation while my mom was sick, when MIL was sick. FIL got sick 3 days before we were supposed to leave for my 50th birthday trip to Nashville. That sucked big time.
Now my dad is sick and god bless my retired husband, he drove my dad every day for 28 days for radiation treatment. He takes my dad to doctor's appointments so that I don't have to take time off of work. I take time for the really important stuff.
This is how we have balanced our lives.

I understand that you should be the most important woman in DH's life, but mom was there first. Family helps family in times of need.

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

My own father is going through treatment for a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. 2 years ago, it was my FIL with stage 3. You do whatever your spouse needs you to do to support them. DH has stepped his game up around the house, watching the kids, etc. to help me so that I can be there for my family. I did the same for him when his father was sick. Now the snapping at you for every question is tough, but as other posters said, it's often the people closest to you that you hurt the most in times of distress. Though I have to wonder, is he snapping at you because you're harping on about a vacation? Because then maybe take a step back and think about your priorities. But if you feel he's snapping at you for talking reasonably, then try to be calm and tell him "I know you're going through a lot and I'm trying to help. Please don't take it out on me." Sometimes it's enough to hear it to get them to cool their heels. I know I need to hear it every once in awhile.

As for the vacation... its nothing- it's a stupid thing to be upset over. Sorry, but it is. You want to go with the kids, then go, but if he feels the need to spend the time with his mother then he should.

How far does his mother live from you? Why don't you take the kids over for a visit- for your DH and his mother. Honestly, my kids visiting is the best medicine for my father since his diagnosis.

ETA: You also mentioned she hasn't started treatment yet. Does she have a treatment plan in place? A prognosis? What's the end game here? For my father, he'll never be cancer free. So his treatment is trying to keep the cancer at bay while maintaining his quality of life. In that regards, I spend every weekend and often visit during the week so that I can spend time with him and my kids can spend time with him.

ETAA: And depending on the type of cancer and treatment, it may be far longer than a few months. My father is coming up on his 1 year anniversary of diagnosis. They have not given him a timeline or anything like that and do not feel he is on his deathbed. It varies so much.

Message edited 11/11/2019 9:00:00 AM.

How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Okay- everyone keeps harping on this damn vacation but it was just a PART of what the OP posted about. Mainly her concern is how to SUPPORT her husband because he essentially has forgotten about his wife and CHILDREN. I'm sorry, but he doesnt get to just walk away because his mom is sick. It sucks. Life sucks. Cancer sucks. But his wife and children are the ones who will still be there when his mom is gone. He cant pretend they aren't there. She also mentioned about having to take days off of work so he could be with his mom. Sorry- dont pay for stuff for your brother then if OP is losing time at work. He could have just as easily arranged child care. Or maybe taken his children to see their GRANDMOTHER who they will be losing soon as well. Its a really terrible situation, but I don't see how the OP isn't justified in her feelings at this point at all.

OP- I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you, but I'm terribly sorry for your situation and how terribly you're being beat up on right now.

Message edited 11/11/2019 12:42:06 PM.

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I am going to take it you have not had a sick parent that you have watched pass away. Thank goodness my husband was supportive in anyway I needed while my father died.
You need to stop thinking of you first right now. I get you need to vent too. I get you need support as well and that parenting on your own is hard. But this is just temporary because she is going to die from this and he will have lost his mother.
If you want to support him - wake up each morning and think of something that can make his day easier or better instead of thinking about where he is lacking in giving you what you need.

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I don't get what was so mean, horrible, nasty or high and mighty about what was said here. I think the OP got really good advice.
I said she sounded insensitive and IMO, she did. Her MIL is dying and her DH JUST found out and is in shock.
Reading through the responses, I don't see anything that awful.

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

whoa, his mom has stage 4 cancer and tumors throughtout her body - he doesn't know how long he has with her and with cancer there are no guarantees so suck it up and let him spend every minute of every day with her if he needs to while he comes to terms with it.

My dad has cancer - 5 years after surgery and 28 days of radiation and 7 weeks of chemo that sh*t is back, 5 effing years. And it hurts and it's scary and it feels at times like I can't go on and my DH just goes with the flow. I'm OOS and spent 10 days in NY (and I'd never, ever left my kids overnight) when my dad was sick over the summer. My DH took care of 2 kids, a dog, and worked and took days off (kids weren't in school so no break for him) and did anything and everything that had to be done and didn't blink an eye when I booked plane tickets to NY day of bc I decided that morning I was leaving. My RT tix cost us $650. And 2 weeks later I went back with my 2 kids in tow for another $800 in flights.

Just deal with it. Seriously. Your feelings are irrelevant right now. Her diagnosis is so recent. With time things will settle and he'll come to terms with some of it. As for vacation, who cares about the money - his mother might die.

And just in case you think that I don't know what the other side is like- my DH's mom has an incurable blood cancer so I've been on the other side and I always encouraged my DH to visit her, be with her in the hosptal for weeks when she had a stem cell transplant.

Message edited 11/13/2019 10:12:38 AM.

How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I definitely think people here are being way too harsh on you. I know that you are just venting and I also know you have little ones at home. It can't be easy taking care of twin toddlers by yourself, especially when you are working full time on top of that. But with that said, if she has stage 4 cancer you've gotta just let him take the time he needs to be with his mom. IF it becomes a bigger issue I think the approach needs to be really sensitive with him, because if it comes off as nagging or complaining, he will lash out on you and turn it all around to be your fault. I agree with some recommendations on here about seeing if someone can go on your vacation with you. I do know, however, that if there is a health issue that they can typically refund you the whole balance. If you get on the phone with the airline and describe there is a sudden illness in the family, they may just require some documentation in order to cancel. Based on the fact that he's been spending more money lately, it might be a good idea to push for the refund to off-set the other expenses

Message edited 11/13/2019 11:03:04 AM.

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I've been thinking a lot about your post and I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a terrible situation all around. It really is unfair that he's angry that you're going to work. Life still must go on. Would he take the kids with him to go see her? That way he can visit, kids spend time with their dad and their grandma, and you can work guilt free.

Also, the money thing is troublesome. I know how he feels. I truly do. You just want to wave your magic wand (or credit card) and take care of the whole family and not worry about what it costs down the line. Is his brother usually this type? That's a tough line to toe- you need to watch your spending but at the same time you can't insinuate his brother is being cheap. I wish I had better advice for you, I hope you're hanging in there.

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Yeah, I'm sorry, these posts are way too harsh. It would be one thing if your husband was appreciating all of the sacrifices you are making but instead he is making unilateral decisions and then dumping everything on you. His mom being sick is the excuse he is using to treat you like crap.

I lost my father at a relatively young age so I completely understand what it's like to lose a parent. It sucks, but going thru a rough time does not allow you to walk all over the people you love. I am sure you would be way more supportive if he showed some appreciation.

If I were in your shoes I would suck it up for a little while but then we would be having a serious sit down regarding the long term plan. Everyone is acting like his mother has days left to live. People with stage 4 cancer can live very long after this diagnose and even be cured. It is not necessarily a death sentence. She hasn't even said what his mother's prognosis is.

As for the vacation, I would go without him. Give him some space. Take the kids and have a good time. Maybe invite your mom to go. Life does go on even when people get sick. You can't put your life on hold indefinitely waiting for his mother to die. Sorry if I sound like an insensitive b*tch but life does need to go on and you have two very young children to take care of and think about.